My boyfriend is making me a chain smoker. Not literally obviously. I just can’t tolerate an hour with him without a cigarette. We’ve been together almost 3 years and we live together. I love him and I’m sure of that. But he gets on my fucking nerves. I mean the little shit like him not understanding my humor or never cleaning up after himself. I get so annoyed that it becomes near anger, and I’ve got to smoke to calm down before I become a bickering bitch. After my cigarette I’m nonchalant and fine and we continue on like nothing ever happened. I’m worried not only for my health but for the health of our relationship. Any advice?

Yeah, no. Your boyfriend is not making you a chain smoker. You are responsible for your own behavior, especially where addictive substances are concerned.

Now, as for the rapidly cycling conflict pattern you’ve described, that takes both of you, each playing your part, each getting something out of it, each satisfying a need whether you’re aware of it or not.

As far as I can tell, you get an excuse to smoke and a convenient way to avoid facing the painful fact that your boyfriend sucks, and he gets five minutes of peace and never has to be anything other than a dimwitted slob. There’s probably a lot more going on than that, but it’s certainly enough to keep the basic pattern endlessly repeating itself.

You’re right to be worried about the health of your relationship, because things aren’t fine after you’ve had your smoke. They haven’t been fine for a while, but every time you’re reminded of how unhappy you really are, you rush off to get your fix of nicotine and denial.

I’m guessing at this point you’re up to at least a half pack a day, and if the feedback loop keeps escalating without some kind of intervention in your relationship, you’ll be a pack a day smoker by the time this self-poisoning defense mechanism stops producing the desired effect and you finally decide you’ve had enough.

I don’t doubt that you love him, but having to be so sure of it is another sign that you’ve already gut-checked yourself on whether you want to be in this relationship. There’s also the inertia of three years and the convenience/inconvenience of living together. You’re in a tough spot.

If I were you, I’d quit smoking now. Cold turkey. Just get it over with. Stop the pattern, face your denial, and let the real fights happen. It’s okay for you to have standards. You don’t have to live with a dimwitted slob, and if your boyfriend isn’t capable of improving himself, then it’s also okay for you to leave him.

Stop poisoning yourself, physically and emotionally, merely to avoid facing the inevitable.

While I was on vacation with my friends I cheated on my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and fooled around with a guy I met. I came clean and he forgave me, but a week ago, he told me that after I confessed, he made out with a girl at a party. I feel like I don’t have the right to be mad, is that true? Are we even now? Do I have to forgive him because he forgave me?

It sounds as though he made out with this girl as a deliberate and direct act of retaliation to your infidelity, and if he felt the need to retaliate, then he never really forgave you. He may have said the words, but it wasn’t actual forgiveness.

You have a right to be mad because you are entitled to your emotions, and you don’t have to forgive him, even if he did forgive you (which he clearly didn’t.)

Still, you’ve both fucked up now. It’s not that you’re even, but in a way, a certain kind of balance has been restored. You’re both hurt and you’re both mad, but at least you’re both in the same boat. I think it’s probably best for both of you to really and truly forgive one another.

It’s okay if you’re both still low-key mad at each other, but you should talk openly about any anger or resentment so that it doesn’t build up and detonate your relationship.

You should also start talking openly and honestly because neither of you trusts the other anymore. That’s the worst part of all of this, and it’s the part that’s gonna keep gnawing at you, so if you can’t handle open and honest communication, consider ending things now, because this mutual infidelity is either gonna bring you two closer together, or a lack of trust will be the slow poison that kills your relationship.

He’s gorgeous and I’m average and I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. The thing is, he’s always been the one to pursue me, and I’ve been the one to pull away. I’m smart and accomplished and realize I’m worthy of pursuit, so it’s not so much a self-esteem thing as it is a perception of imbalance.

We’re giving it a proper go now, but I still can’t silence the voice that says that he should be with someone prettier. How do I tell her to shut the fuck up?

You’re lying to yourself. Lying, lying, lying.

It is a self-esteem thing. It’s entirely a self-esteem thing, and it’s not anything other than a self-esteem thing.

Quit lying to yourself and fucking embrace it. Your boyfriend could easily be with someone prettier, and that’s awesome, because he wants to be with you.

Don’t silence the voice that says he’s too good looking for you. Laugh at that dumb bitch, and enjoy your hot boyfriend.

This is a painfully embarrassing question but one that I have needed to ask since I ‘developed’ and my best friend shamed me.

My inner labia hang about a centimetre and my outers are tiny, I feel hideous and struggle to engage in foreplay because of this.

The boyish culture where I live means I frequently hear comments such as, pussy like a dropped lasagne, meat curtains etc to which girls and boys react by also shaming big ‘lips’.

should I get surgery?

Hell no.

Your pussy is beautiful, and you are surrounded by fucking idiots.

Say it with me, “My pussy is beautiful, and I am surrounded by fucking idiots.”

Everybody now, “My pussy is beautiful, and I am surrounded by fucking idiots.”

(As far as daily mantras go, you’ll be surprised how universal and deeply satisfying this one is.)

I’m having trouble committing to the guy who wants forever with me because I can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite a relationship” I had before. I want some space but I’m 90% sure the forever guy won’t wait for me to figure my shit out, and I don’t particularly blame him.

Am I going to be in limbo forever? Am I just being selfish? Help?

I know your type. The guy who wants forever is probably gonna end up being your next “almost but not quite.” If six months from now you wake up and suddenly feel that, please remember this post, recognize this is a pattern, and know the problem is you.

Meanwhile, if you need some space, you need some space, but if forever guy won’t wait a hot minute for you to get your shit together, then you probably should stop calling him forever guy.

And while I’m smacking you with a little truth, lemme get one more in so you feel it. The reason you’re having trouble committing isn’t because you can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite” guy. You’ve got it backwards. The reason you can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite” guy is because you’re having trouble committing.

This is just your particular flavor of self-destruct button. Watch. You’ll stop thinking about him the moment you detonate this current relationship.

Hey, I commissioned some art from a friend for a project that ended up going nowhere, and then fell out of touch with this friend. I’ve got all the rights to it, paid in full, but recently I’ve been thinking about getting it as a tattoo. It’s a really elaborate piece of art with a lot of deep personal blah blah blah, my real question is, should I tell the artist? I have no idea how they’d react, and I’d rather not push them further away, but at the same time they poured a fraction of their life into this.

And, on a related note, what’s the courtesy for folks who get tattoos of art they find online? Obviously the artist deserves some kind of support in return. Everyone should know that. What’s a fair rate?

It feels like you’re only asking me a fraction of your real question. “Should I tell the artist?” Dude. What the fuck is really going on? You’ve made it clear that you don’t owe the artist anything, but this inner conflict about giving notice feels very “tip of the iceberg.”

I think maybe you’re really asking this in the hope that I’ll order you to tell the artist, as if you somehow need me to give you a technical reason, a little push that obligates you to finally get back in contact with this person.

And your related note is not at all related. It’s a diversion. You want me to give you a dollar amount that you can compare to whatever number you have in your head. You want to offer your artist friend some money, but you don’t want it to be an insult or seem like charity, so you need me to establish a “fair rate” that justifies your desire to give.

Hmm. You cared very deeply for this person, and this piece of art is the last connection you have to them. So it’s either tattoo it onto your body and have them there forever, or risk reaching out to them, ruining everything all over again, and then poisoning the tattoo’s potential.

Tricky.

Here’s my two cents: The relationship is more important than its symbol. The connection you have to the artist is more important than the connection you have to the art.

Do with that what you will.

You recently answered a question on the “cut-off date” for someone you’re not in love with. I am in love with my partner. However, I cried when I read the guideline questions you responded with (needs being met, effort required etc).

What difference does the fact that you’re in love with a person make to a cut-off date? Because at the moment it doesn’t feel like the love factor changes anything other than the level of hurt involved.

The love factor makes zero difference to the cutoff formula, but it changes the answer to the question, “Would it be worth it?”

Here’s the big question. Is your partner also in love with you? If so, and you’re both genuinely in love with one another, then the answer to whether it’s worth it becomes an almost definite yes.

You’re right, it will hurt, and it will take a shit-ton of relationship work, but if you’re both in love, that’s usually enough motivation to improve the relationship unless too much reality starts getting in the way.

Now, if your partner isn’t in love with you (and likely won’t be), then you’re really fucked. Sorry. You can’t be the only one making the effort to improve the relationship, especially if you’re the one whose physical, mental, and emotional needs aren’t being met.

Again, I’m sorry if that’s what’s happening with you. It really sucks to be stuck in love with someone who isn’t in love with you and refuses or is incapable of meeting your basic needs in a relationship. That is a recipe for undignified misery.

If that’s the case, and you know in your heart that it’s never gonna get any better no matter how much work you pour into it, then you need to summon up all your strength and commit the equivalent of relationship seppuku. When a relationship needs to end, I always recommend making a fast, clean, and merciful cut. Unfortunately, in this instance, you’d be the one who has to wield your own blade.

Hillary is a a liar hiding a hawkish, plutocratic agenda behind women’s issues and gun control. She may even be worse than Obama on foreign policy issues.

I remember you saying that you supported Sanders but would give up when he had no chance. Amazingly, that still hasn’t happened. It appears all of those Monsanto/Goldman Sachs/Lockheed/fossil fuel dollars paid off last night.

People pay attention to you as an intellectual. We trust you. Why aren’t you criticizing her more?

First of all, complaining that a politician is a liar is like complaining about water being wet. They’re all liars. Grow up.

Secondly, I don’t grant your premise that Hillary is hiding a hawkish, plutocratic agenda. Hillary knows how to strategically apply U.S. force projection, but that’s not the same thing as being hawkish. In my humble opinion, she’s the only candidate who could beat Putin in a staring contest, but at the same time, she’s not gonna run around as if her hair’s on fire over ISIS like all those fear-mongering Republican numnards. Hillary is not war-loving. She’s strong. She’s diplomatically not to be fucked with, and nobody ever gives her enough credit for it.

Everyone is constantly complaining that Democrats are a bunch of pussies when it comes to foreign policy. Ironically, it’s gonna take the first President with a pussy to prove that Democrats actually have some balls.

Admittedly, I hate her position on Israel and Palestine, and her vote on the Iraq War will haunt her for the rest of her life, but at the same time, I’m sick and fucking tired of far-left wingers slamming Hillary for having to back up Obama’s foreign policy agenda as Secretary of State.

Also, you’re confusing her economic centrism for a plutocratic agenda. Hillary is not a plutocrat, though it’s an easy mistake to make, because any candidate standing next to Bernie Sanders will come off looking like a plutocrat. No, Hillary is merely a pragmatist when it comes to American capitalism. I’m okay with that. At the end of the day, she’s still a bleeding heart where it counts, and she would be far more effective at actually implementing a liberal domestic policy agenda than Bernie. To quote the philosopher Tina Fey, “bitches get stuff done.”

Oh, and for the record, women’s rights and gun control are not issues you hide behind. That’s incredibly insulting. Maybe you’re a man and you don’t give a shit, but the assault on women’s reproductive rights in this country is no fucking joke. The next President will likely be appointing more than one Supreme Court Justice, and that may or may not tip the balance of the court to one that could overturn Roe v Wade. That’s terrifying. We cannot allow that to happen. Ever. I trust that Hillary would appoint fantastic justices. (And yeah, I know it’s silly, but just the thought of Hillary appointing Obama to the Supreme Court makes me giddy.)

Obviously, Hillary is not perfect, but she is more qualified to be a U.S. President than any other candidate in this election cycle. I love Bernie Sanders and his ideas. Really. I love everything he stands for, but I’m also a huge fan of Hillary Clinton. It requires absolutely no cognitive dissonance to like them both. The idealist in me gets to vote for Bernie in the primary, and odds are, the realist in me will get to vote for Hillary in the general. I’m very happy with both of those votes.

Y’all can quit asking me to hate on Hillary. You know I’ll call her out on her shit when she deserves it, but I’d also be proud to have her as my President.

What’s the difference between a nice guy and a good man? I was dating a guy who cheated on me, and even after that I was still convinced that he was a nice guy, but I know he’s not a good man.

See. You already know the difference, but let me make it clear. Being a good man is a matter of morality, and being a nice guy is a matter of etiquette.

Calling a guy “nice” doesn’t speak to his character. It just means he knows how to act, usually when he wants something. Nice guys know how to behave, but they typically have ulterior motives, and their true character is often revealed when they don’t get what they want.

On the other hand, calling a man “good” speaks directly to his character. It means that he lives up to a value system that you both share, which typically means he is both reliable and trustworthy.

A nice guy and a good man will often behave in the exact same manner to acquaintances at the surface level, which is why they’re hard to distinguish when you accept people at face value, but when you drill down and get to know either one, you’ll find that only the good man has integrity.