Regarding “On Your Grieving Process,” what if it is a year after a traumatic death? The one year anniversary of my brother’s death from cancer is coming up. He was only 32. Sometimes I am numb, but sometimes it punches me in the gut and I am right back in the thick of grief. Not to mention I went through a divorce in the middle of my brother’s illness.

Everyday I coached myself to “just get up and take a shower.” I’ve been seeing a therapist. They put me on medications. It has helped to curb the intensity of the emotions, but I can’t seem to shake my newly found cynicism. I can’t stop seeing/seeking an ulterior motive in everything someone says or does (advertisements, compliments, marriages, etc). It’s as if nothing is genuine or pure anymore because my brother doesn’t exist. It’s as if the world doesn’t make sense to me because my brother isn’t in it. I’m navigating in darkness trying to find a way through to make sense of life and our existence. It’s so exhausting.

I guess none of this really is a question (probably more like a nonsensical stream of consciousness) but I just needed to get it out there. Thanks Coquette.

A year is nothing in terms of grief, and the anniversaries will always be hard. It sounds like you’re still very angry, which is an easy place to get stuck when someone you love dies before their time.

I could say I’m sorry for your loss, and of course I am, but what I’m really sorry for is that you’re trying to make sense of something that is completely senseless. You’re exhausted because you’re chasing an answer that doesn’t exist, and you can’t shake your cynicism because you don’t want to yet. You’re not ready.

Naturally, you tell everyone (including your therapist) that you don’t want to feel this way anymore, but you do. Even if you don’t know it yourself. The cynicism is armor that you wear to make sure the world isn’t as pure anymore, because without your brother in it, how could it be? You won’t allow the world to be pure, because that would somehow mean it’s okay that your brother died.

Well, fuck that. It will never be okay that your brother died, and you will never let him go, but one day, you will let go of the cynicism and anger, and that will be a very good day for you.

It’s okay to let it go. It doesn’t mean you’re letting go of him.

My mom is dying. How do I avoid existential crisis? How do I stop being such a sour bitch to the people around me? How do I put my game face on and continue to show up to life when I don’t fucking want to, without medicating with red wine? Will I ever feel normal again?

Also: New relationship of 3 months. He says I’m not burdening him, but I’m not myself. I feel like a goddamn drag most of the time.

Tell me everything is going to be OK.

Everything is not going to be okay. Your mom is dying.

Then again, it’s okay that everything’s not going to be okay. You’re supposed to be miserable, and you’re not supposed to be yourself. What you’re experiencing isn’t an existential crisis. That’s not what’s happening. The death of a parent is its own unique kind of trauma, and your grief process has already started.

Everything you’re feeling is part of that process, and your instincts are correct, you do still have to show up for life even though you don’t fucking want to, and you do need to avoid being a sour bitch to people around you. There is no trick to it. You have to drag your ass out of bed every morning and put on a big fake smile for the rest of the world. As for medicating with red wine, don’t let it become a habit, but this is gonna be one of those periods when it happens. Just keep it under control.

Also, the relationship is tricky, especially at three months. On the one hand, I highly recommend you use every available shoulder to cry on, but at the same time, be very careful about falling in love right now. You would be shocked at how many people suddenly find themselves married soon after the death of a parent, and then a year or two later wonder what in the fuck were they thinking. I’m not kidding. That’s a thing that really happens.

The key to all of this is to let yourself grieve. You gotta feel all that horrible shit. You can’t go around it, and you can’t stay where you are. You have to go through it, and you have to come out the other side. You are facing one of the most painful and difficult experiences of your life, and it’s going to suck. The only way to make it suck any less is to accept the grieving process itself in the same way that you’ll have to accept your mother’s death.

Oh, and if it helps, you will feel normal again one day. It won’t come until well after your mother is gone, and even then, you will never feel quite the same. It will be a new normal, but you will get there. It will take time, but eventually you will be okay.

You recently advised on a father’s limitations. Does this advice extend to romantic partners?

No. Romantic parters are not members of your family of origin, so my advice changes dramatically depending on the circumstances.

If by romantic partner, you just mean a typical boyfriend/girlfriend type exclusive relationship (long or short-term), then my advice would be to immediately get the fuck out. Do not stay in a dysfunctional romantic relationship that is causing you serious emotional damage. Of course, that’s easier said than done, but in the end, getting out will always have been the smart move.

If by romantic partner, you mean a spouse, then my advice would be to probably still get the fuck out, but before you go through the stress and cost of getting a divorce, try at least a few months of couples counseling to see if there’s any hope that your partner is capable of change. A marriage is worth improving unless you know for sure it’s hopeless. Basically, go the extra mile with professional help to see if you can become functional before getting the fuck out. (This advice only applies to emotional damage. If you’re the victim of domestic violence, skip the couples counseling and immediately get the fuck out.)

If by romantic partner, you mean anyone — boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or one-night-stand — with whom you share any offspring, then the question suddenly shifts: What is in the best interests of your child? That’s all that matters. Yes, your mental and physical well-being are also important, but your child’s is more important. If your romantic relationship is causing you serious emotional damage, it’s also likely causing your child damage too, so it still may be wise to get the fuck out. Thing is, you will always be tied to your child’s other parent, so no matter what happens, things become much more complicated. There will be negotiations and arrangements, all of which should be centered around what’s best for your child.

When it comes to relationships that are causing you serious emotional damage, this advice also applies to friends, acquaintances, and colleagues. You can’t pick your family-of-origin, but you can pick your families-of-choice. You’re stuck with your parents, siblings, and children for life, but that’s it. Even if you ultimately decide to cut them off, they are still the only people for whom you have to accept limitations. Everyone else you can choose, so choose wisely, never give up your power to choose, and don’t stick around if you’ve made a bad choice.

The relationship between my father and my sister has seriously deteriorated. No physical altercations, but all their interactions, even the ones that should be straightforward and mundane, just leave them both feeling hurt and angry and misunderstood. To the extent that blame matters, I think it’s more his fault than hers because a) he’s the parent and he therefore has the larger responsibility to control his emotions and think of his daughter’s wellbeing over his own and b) he is just naturally overall inattentive to and unappreciative of the basic emotional labor required to make relationships work. E.g., she knows (we both know) what he’s struggling with, what he’s worried about, quirks and favorite things, whereas he has barely any idea of what interests her and consistently fails to pay her the simple courtesy of listening at least 60% of the time when she’s talking.

He’s probably not going to change. He’s definitely not going to change enough. But my sister is hurting, and since I left for college, I feel like the only thing I can do for her is give her a hug and maybe a place to stay for a few days if she wants to get away from it all. Is there anything else I can do for her? Some word of wisdom that will help her not to feel so attacked and alone in her own home?

If there’s anything I’m not doing, please tell me. I just want her not to have to cry every time he talks to her.

It sucks to leave a younger sibling behind when you know things are dysfunctional at home. I’m sorry for both you and your sister.

The good news is that you’re close to the truth. You say your father is probably not going to change, and that he’s definitely not going to change enough. That means you’re only one step away from what you and your sister will both eventually have to accept: Your father is never going to be the kind of parent that you need him to be. Ever.

You’ve got some distance and a little perspective. That truth will be easier for you to process than it will be for your sister. The best thing you can do for her is help her understand that truth, because the closer she can come to accepting your father’s limitations, the better off she’ll be.

Right now, she’s in a cycle where if she can’t get your father’s love and approval, she’ll provoke his anger instead, because that means at least she still gets his attention. It’s incredibly painful, and it’s causing her serious emotional damage, but his rage still hurts her less than his indifference, so she’ll take it. She probably doesn’t even realize that’s what she’s doing.

Help her see that. Help her come to terms with his indifference. Help her accept the fact that he is never going to be the kind of father that she needs him to be, and perhaps most importantly, help her know that none of it is her fault.

My new job is really hard. I’m a nurse in a nursing home. I take care of 23 residents for eight hours a day, five days a week. I’ve been working for the floor for three weeks and I’ve already watched four people pass on. I don’t know why, I don’t know these people that well, but when I found out about the fourth person that died, I suddenly felt really overwhelmed. Here I am, in a new environment, living this new life, accepting all of this change, and everything at work, all these people’s lives were changing as well.

It’s really comforting to me to know that I was there for some of these people at the end. I was there to rub their backs and hold their hands. But this job is hard. There’s been a lot of death and everyone is stressed out. A lot of the nurses… It feels like a ‘Trust No Bitch’ environment and I’ve never worked at a place where I don’t really feel like I can trust my team.

I came home after my shift last night and I just distinctly felt like coming home and wanting a person who would care if I died to be there and hold me.

This doesn’t feel existential for me, and I know all of those people I took care of that died, it was their time to go. But I can’t put my finger on why I’m crying.

You’re crying because it’s a perfectly normal emotional reaction to all of that brutally real shit you just described.

When you’re on the floor functioning as a nurse, you have to suppress emotions. It’s not just a part of the job. It’s a part of your role. Combine that with the loneliness of being surrounded by those people all day, plus the new environment, and you’re bound to have a good cry when you get home and crash.

You will cry less and less, because you will get used to things. You will find your place. Your role will become a part of your identity, and you won’t have to suppress as much emotion. In the meantime, know that it’s both necessary and healthy to have that emotional release.

You’re fine. This is all just a part of you growing stronger.

More about this, please:

“If you understand the cognitive/emotional process and have some control over your emotions (easier said than done), then with a little self-discipline, you can effectively end inconvenient crushes on your own schedule.”

Emotions are primal — eat, fuck, fight, flight — it’s the stuff of your reptilian brain, below even the human capacity for language. Feelings are emotions that have come into your awareness. You can give them a name — hunger, lust, anger, fear. Feelings are a product of emotion, but they are not the same thing. Thoughts are where the ego kicks in. They are how your conscious mind processes all those feelings and spits out everything from where you want to go for lunch to how to plan the perfect murder and all the sticky stuff in between.

So, if you want to have some control over your emotions, particularly where a crush is concerned, the trick is knowing that lust or jealousy or infatuation aren’t what you’re trying to control. What you’re really trying to control is the primal urge to fuck or fight or bond. That’s why I say it’s easier said than done, because you can’t come at it with a thinking mind. You have to come at it with an unthinking mind.

I know this is starting to get esoteric, but what I mean by unthinking mind is essentially you have to learn how to use conscious methods of manipulating your autonomic nervous system. It’s where mental meets visceral, and it’s fucking hard to do. Breathing exercises. Meditation. Conscious deescalation of arousal states. They’re all blunt tools that can sometimes get the job done, but that’s the level of control I’m talking about.

It’s a process, one that requires practice, but here’s what can happen. If you can consciously deescalate an arousal state in the presence of your crush, then the lust goes away. If you use breathing exercises to interfere with the fight-or-flight response in the presence of your crush, then the jealousy and all those butterflies in your stomach will disappear.

With a little self-discipline, you can control your emotions, and your feelings will change in kind. You’ll have different feelings to be sure, but you’ll also suddenly find yourself thinking different thoughts as well. You might even find more room for thoughts unattached to any particular feeling at all, and the next thing you know, you don’t have a crush anymore.

That’s how you accelerate the end of an inconvenient crush. (Or for that matter, control road rage, tolerate extended meals with family members, or deal with authority in all its various forms.)

I had just the most outrageous crush on someone at work for like a year. Then, I woke up one morning, and it was just gone. I was over it, like that, and it stayed that way. How does that happen??

It ends the same way it begins, with a little neurochemistry and timing. Also, cognitively speaking, a crush starts out as raw emotion, then becomes a set of feelings, which then develop into thoughts. If those thoughts don’t develop into actions, eventually the underlying emotion fades, and once you’re done thinking about it, the crush is over. You wake up one morning and the feelings are gone.

On a side note, if you understand the cognitive/emotional process and have some control over your emotions (easier said than done), then with a little self-discipline, you can effectively end inconvenient crushes on your own schedule.

Please fucking help. Watching Sarah Palin endorse Trump is like tripping balls on acid and looking into a refrigerator of insanity and not being able to decide what fire to eat. I need John Stewart back sooooo fucking badly. But I know you can say something to chase this away. It’s a lucid recognition of completely explosive fuckery strapped to a psychotic bomb. Please make it stop!! Please fucking pleeease!

Don’t fight the hallucinations. Watch them not with fear, but with joy, for this election cycle is evidence that the illuminati are finally winning the great secret war against the lizard people. The mind control is weakening. Soon, we will all be awakened to the world of the real, and you won’t need to borrow a pair of Roddy Piper’s sunglasses to see it.

Prepare yourselves. Keep your wits about you. Pray that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are able to keep Blue Ivy safe long enough to fulfill the prophecy, and know that Jon Stewart is not gone, for the Jew from the East shall rise again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his syndication shall have no end.

How many times have you re-written material for a book? I’m beginning my second draft and reading back parts of the first – it sounds so shitty, it’s making me want to give up.

First drafts are garbage. You should literally throw them away and start from scratch. Second drafts are shit. No one should see them. Third drafts are bad, but you can start showing them to people you trust for critique. Fourth drafts you can send to agents, publishers, and other professionals. Fifth drafts are starting to get good, especially if you’re working with an editor, but they can always get better… you see where I’m going with this.

Writing is rewriting. It never ends, and you can’t give up. You just have to keep hacking away at it. Also, realizing that your first draft is shitty isn’t a bad thing. It’s a gift. It means you know what needs changing, and it means you’re a real writer, because only an amateur thinks the first draft is any good.

Please help me. I purchased weekend two wristbands for Coachella and am unclear on whether weekend two is actually going to be okay. I’m traveling there with a girlfriend, my third Coachella and her first, and she is unavailable to go weekend one. I’m picturing no lush polo field grass left and performers that aren’t taking it as seriously as weekend one. Thoughts?? I know I’m spoiled as fuck, but $400 is a lot to spend if it’s going to be far inferior.

Are you kidding me? The second weekend is always better. Always. The preening children have all gone home, the artists are trying to top their previous week’s performance, and everyone is more chill.

I’ll admit that the first weekend has more energy, but the crowd is also tainted with an aggressive self-absorption that can easily bleed some of the fun out of it. That goes doubly for this year’s first weekend, because it will be filled with a bunch of Gen X pilgrims who absolutely positively have to be at the first reunion shows of LCD and GNR.

Nah, if I go this year, it will only be to the second weekend. Trust me on this. You accidentally made the right decision.