Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On leverage.

At what point should you tell a nice girl that she is being cheated on?

A close male friend of mine has become a shittier and shittier person over the last couple of years. He’s religious- which would normally turn me away from befriending him in the first place- but has always open minded and outside the box enough to make an exception for.    He has recently proposed to a very christian girl who has never(at 31 years old) had a boyfriend before. She knows absolutely nothing about men. No brothers, no non- religious experimental girlfriends, no exposure. She has NO idea what she’s up against, and completely believes that he is every bit as religious and virtuous as she is- because that is what he pretends to be in front of her. She’s completely sweet, entirely naive, fully in love with who she THINKS she’s marrying- and does not deserve to be hurt by the very first guy that she ever gets close to. After taking her virginity (BEFORE the wedding date, mind you) he promptly began an affair with a married, mormon coworker of ours(with children, mind you)…and has not only balled her all over town, but has had the indecency to actually take his fiance to watch this other woman’s choir performances. Religious hypocrisy at it’s absolute fucking best. Gross.

Now, HE was my original friend- not the sweet little fiance- so I suppose that the rule is that my loyalty stays with him. However, he has also recently stabbed ME in the back, having ruined my credit by missing payments on a loan that I took out for him (for an engagement ring for another fiance he previously and briefly had before this one). This guy has begun showing me and everyone else around him what bad news he is and frankly, I don’t want anything to do with him anymore- having been exposed to his foul mistreatment of the people nearest to him and the revolting charade of his so called religious values has become too much for me to put up with.

So.
Here comes the question.
Is it enough for me to excuse myself from and refuse to be a part of his lies, ugliness and the entire disgusting situation… or is it my duty/responsibility to inform and warn this sweet, naive girl before she marries this selfish piece of shit? Is it any of my business?

The infidelity isn’t any of your business, but the loan sure as hell is.

You should definitely cut this guy out of your life, but not without first protecting yourself financially. He fucked up your credit once. You’re a fool if you think it won’t happen again. Let him know that you’re done being his cosigner, and insist that he repay the loan in full immediately.

If he gives you one ounce of shit, remind him how much you know about his infidelity. Make sure he knows that you’ll fuck up his whole world if he doesn’t pay off the loan.

If this seems too calculating for your tastes, I should remind you that if you expose his infidelity out of some misplaced sense of chivalry without first using it as leverage to protect your interests, he’ll stop making payments on that ring just to fuck with you. He’s that kind of asshole.

Your duty here is to yourself, not some bible-thumping babe in the woods.

Settle all business with this jerk and just move on.

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Advice

On winning the argument

A good friend of mine (otherwise seemingly rational. I don’t know what the fuck this was about) has it in his head that girls should have long hair, be willing to wear skirts or dresses or whatever-the-fuck sometimes, and generally submit to the dainty little expectations people have. He says “sometimes we just have to please other people.” I personally love my pixie cut and boyishness, but I’m not very eloquent. What’s a great way to tell him to go fuck himself while at the same time explaining that it’s important to have some self-respect when it comes to style (and that people who don’t conform to his standards aren’t all rebellious teens, but rather people with individual personalities they’re trying to project, just like the rest of the world)? Normally I’d quiet this kind of bullshit by ignoring the utter stupidity it presents, but he has potential for understanding. I just don’t know how to get it into his head.

First, get the chip off your shoulder. You may very well love your pixie cut and boyishness, but you’re coming off as a tad militant.

A go-fuck-yourself attitude is fine if you don’t care what the other person thinks, but here you do, so unfold your arms and get rid of the combative tone. Stop taking it personally.

You’ll never win your argument with this guy from a defensive position. In fact, argument is worthless. This is a sales job. You’ve got to sell him on a better way of looking at the world.

In a discussion about traditional gender roles, make your position about freedom and his position about oppression. It’s not about teenage rebellion or personal expression. It’s about a social contract that allows people the freedom to groom themselves in whatever manner they please.

In his mind, submitting to expectations is no big deal because he’s just talking about long hair and skirts, but what about Chinese foot binding or Islamic Burqas? It’s all just a matter of degree.

His notion that “sometimes we just have to please other people” is a misrepresentation of the social contract. Sure, we all have to put up with a certain level of bullshit to get along in the world, but enlightened cultures spread the bullshit around evenly regardless of race, color, creed, and gender.

If a certain type of attire becomes culturally mandatory for one class of citizens and not another, that’s an erosion of freedom. You’re selling equality here, and equality should never be confused with conformity.

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Advice

On toxic girls.

What’s the best way to deal with mixed signals? I’ve been getting jerked around by this girl. She’ll hook up with me, everything will be great, then we’ll go out again and she’ll shoot me down, then tell me a week later about the guy she fucked, then start the process again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, self-respect, etc, but she’s the type where she loves the idea that she’s getting to me. She’s one of those fucked up always feels like she has to win even when no one else is playing. I see this girl almost every day, too, for work/school purposes. I’m thinking the gradual fade out, but I really love the idea of telling her to stop with the bullshit and the games. The thing is, does anything good ever come of that? I feel like by showing that it’s getting to me and getting worked up about, I’m coming off like a pussy, and she won’t respect that.

Mixed signals? You mean mind games. There’s a big difference.

It sounds like your girl has something to prove. Not to you, by the way. You’re disposable. It’s nothing personal. I guarantee she thinks that about everyone but daddy.

She’s used to having boys wrapped around her finger. Fine. You seem to know that. Now the trick is not giving a shit. Get her out from under your skin. Girls like her are toxic. If you start trying to beat her at those mind games it will turn you into an asshole. She’s not worth it, I promise.

If it makes it any easier, just remember that it doesn’t matter what you do. She’s never going to respect you, so don’t bother trying to earn any.

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Advice

On a girl fling.

I am in a wonderful relationship with a guy who respects, loves, and treasures me. It’s been two years, and right now I see myself with him for a long time. If it doesn’t work out that way? So be it, but right now he makes me happy. So happy.

The only problem is, I met a girl. She’s… she’s beautiful. She adorable. She’s not someone I would want a relationship with, but goddamn, I wish I could hook up with her. I’ve only had sexual relations with females when drunk- and even then it’s only happened once. This girl is different, I am honestly, excruciatingly- and soberly- attracted to her.

My relationship is exclusive, and that’s never been a problem for either of us before. I don’t want to make it an open relationship, either. I feel like it wouldn’t work out that way.

Am I an immature whore? Is this just a passing phase that every girl goes through? I feel retarded. I am retarded. I need a slap or two, or some sort of guidance. I figured… a woman on the internet was my best bet.

No disrespect with that comment, I fucking love you.

My gut instinct is for you to respectfully ask your boyfriend for permission to have a quick fling with this girl. It’s not really fair for you to feel entitled to a lesbian love affair when you don’t want an open relationship, but he might be willing to give you a hall pass in her case.

You’d be taking advantage of the girl-on-girl bisexuality double standard, but it’s a smaller sin that cheating on your boyfriend with another woman. Still, if you’re boyfriend says no, then that’s the end of it. You’ve signed up for an exclusive relationship, and that’s how it goes.

Be careful with this. Your boyfriend could very easily get his hopes up for a threesome if you broach the subject the wrong way, and it doesn’t sound like his cock is a part of this fantasy.

Whatever you do, make sure you communicate your intentions clearly. Shit like this can get sticky if you’re not open and honest about your feelings for this girl. If you’re not prepared to make your boyfriend a part of the decision, you should just file this one away in the back of your mind under “to do when we break up.”

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Advice

On coachella baggage.

my ladies are bringing the fun (mollys, mushrooms, acid etc) to coachella next week, but out of respect for my BF of 3 years (who is completely drug-free/isn’t comfortable being around a fucked up-me), i will not be partaking in the altered good times. question is – how do i NOT let my jealousy/desire to be superfuckedup sabotage my own fun?

Your boyfriend is the one sabotaging the fun. Who the fuck goes to Coachella drug free? Seriously, that weekend is the closest thing we godless heathens have to a religious experience.

Ingesting psychotropics during a springtime music festival is a fucking sacrament, and your boyfriend would do well to back the fuck off and let you get a little shamanistic.

Let me guess, he’s one of those Heineken swilling douchebags who’ll repeatedly drag you to the beer gardens to drink piss-water out of a plastic cup all the while passing judgment on anybody who’d rather be high than drunk. Fuck that.

Tell him you prefer to expand your mind rather than dull your wits. If he’s got a problem with it, tell him to stay home. Nobody wants his type there anyways.

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Advice

On begging to differ.

after reading all your posts, i realized that your typical answer to questions like “how do i tell someone i want to fuck them?” is plain and simple: just fuck them. i beg to differ. it is not that easy, especially for people who are a bit shy and conservative. i am one of those.

i want to fuck this college senior who is probably going to become my graduate student supervisor. i guess it would be an awkward thing to do since it is likely that i will work with this guy for 2 years or so…but that still does not deter me from wanting him. would you please be so kind to give me some steps before actually getting to the just fuck him step?

You beg to differ? Okay, fine. Keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing over and over again until you get a different result.

Also, keep missing the point. Keep letting life experiences pass you by. Keep making excuses for yourself, as if anyone gives a fuck that you’re shy and conservative.

If you want something, go get it. It’s not my job to give you strength. All I can do is point out that you’re an idiot if you think any of this shit is supposed to be easy.

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Advice

On being pretentious.

“Painters paint. Real artists have a burning desire to create.”

Really? I don’t know what that kid’s story is or what your story is, but don’t you lot get tired of Rilke’s intolerable religiosity? So what, you read Letters to a Young Poet and now the only measurement for a “true” artist is that she perishes if she doesn’t exercise her artistry?

You know I’m immune to your sarcasm, right? I’m sure you’re used to making people second guess themselves with that holier-than-thou tone, but the full weight of your smirking ego doesn’t count as a valid point.

The measure of an artist is her art. We have a word for people who call themselves artists without a body of work to show for it — pretentious.

Funny thing, it’s the same word we use for smug college students who try to impress people with their summer reading list.

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Advice

On coincidences.

Is it a coincidence that your writing style is remarkably similar to that of Cecily Von Ziegesar’s?

I decided to include this one in hater day when I googled Cecily Von Ziegesar. Bitch writes harlequin romance for teenage girls. Really? You’re comparing my shit to Gossip Girl?

Whatever. Maybe they’re well written young adult novels, I don’t know. I’ll tell you one thing, if they turn my shit into a network television series, it’s going HBO or Showtime. Fuck that CW nonsense.

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Advice

On a better question.

Why are your answers bitchy and rude?

Better question, why are you so thin skinned and prissy? Even better question, what makes you think I don’t wear my impudence like a fucking badge?

Fuck your etiquette. Fuck your social norms. Fuck your sensible shoes and your purse sized hand sanitizer. Fuck everything about you that makes you common, from your common sense to your common courtesy.

Come at me with a smile, and I’ll smile back. Come at me with attitude, and I’ll take off your fucking head. Respect is earned, bitch. I treat people accordingly.

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