Hi Coquette. I’ve written to you many times and never pressed send, but you’ve been a very helpful presence in my life. I’m writing to you now because I’m going to a psychiatrist for the first time in two days. I’m 21 and I’ve been depressed since my early teens but my parents always told me that it’s just my character and never took me to get help. Now I don’t even know if I actually have depression or if it’s just my personality, I don’t feel like I have an actual personality or a sense of self. I’m scared that the doctor is just gonna brush me off and not give me meds which are my only hope. I feel like my brain is frozen up, I just want to know that there’s a chance I’ll feel something, that there’s something other than this robotic life for me, but then I don’t know if I can handle anything else. I don’t really know what my question is, I cried for the first time in two years while writing this, should I tell all this to the doctor? Everything I’ve read online about preparing for the first visit has only made me more nervous, like she won’t understand what I mean or believe me, because I’m functional and have done well in college and have friends so maybe she’ll think I don’t need medication but I do. But then I’ve felt this way since I was 12, maybe it is just me and there’s nothing to be done. It’s ok if you don’t answer before the visit or at all, I just wanted to tell someone who’d understand because my otherwise loving parents are being gigantic assholes and treating me like they’re doing me a favour by booking the appointment. Anyway, thanks for reading, love you.

The doctor is not going to brush you off. She will listen. She will listen to you like you’ve never been listened to before. Tell her everything. Tell her that you’ve been depressed since your early teens. Tell her about your parents. Tell her that you feel your brain is frozen up. Tell her that you cried for the first time in two years, and if she asks, tell her what happened to you when you were twelve. If it will make things easier, bring her the letter you wrote to me. Use it as a starting point for your conversation with her.

As she is a psychiatrist, the likelihood of her recommending medication is much higher than with other mental health professionals, especially if that’s the reason you showed up to her office. Whether she prescribes medication or not, you should know that meds are not your only hope. They can help, but don’t expect anti-depressants to be a miracle cure and be open minded about other therapeutic options that she might recommend.

Take a deep breath, kiddo. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous, but you’re going to be fine. You’re doing the right thing by taking care of yourself, and if your parents won’t say it then someone should: It’s okay to ask for help, and I’m proud of you for taking this step.

What kind of answer can I give when they asked where I want to be in 5 years? The truth is, I just want to still want to be alive in 5 years.

Tell them you expect to be a different person in five years. A better person. A wiser person.

And the same goes for the five years after that, and the five years after that, and every five years or so for the rest of your life. Always improving. Always learning. Growing and accepting change.

Tell them it’s not about where you want to be. It’s about who you want to be. Tell them you don’t know who that is yet. You can’t, but you’re looking forward to finding out.

My ex has hurt and raped women, myself included. I cut him out of my life, but I can’t get rid of the guilt. I feel responsible for what he did (and probably continues to do) to these women. I know that I’m not, but I feel like I am. I’m in therapy. I’m working on it. It’s just so hard.

I guess I don’t really have a question. I just want to know if this is going to get easier. I don’t think there’s an answer to that. This is kind of like screaming into nothing. I don’t need a response. I just want to write the words and have them disappear.

This is going to get easier. You will feel it one day.

You will forgive yourself.

So, based on your descriptions, I’m between a red flag and a yellow flag. (26/f). I know why- I’m extremely insecure etc…but, now that I am labeled as an orange flag, what am I supposed to do? Should I just expect to be dismissed based on my flag status?

Okay. I’ve been getting a bunch of comments and submissions about the red flag answer, and I’ve come to realize that we all have very different ideas about what a red flag means.

Speaking from personal experience, a red flag isn’t that big of a deal. It’s merely a warning, something to notice as a potential problem. Everyone I’ve ever dated has had multiple red flags, and I personally am a walking collection of red flags. Most of us are.

In fact, it’s impossible to not have at least one red flag, because If I meet someone who doesn’t have any red flags, that’s a red flag.

See what I’m getting at? Red flags aren’t a penalty or a punishment. They’re just indicators. By themselves, they aren’t cause for dismissal, and they don’t disqualify you from anything.

I was talking to a friend about why I cut an “alcoholic prick” out of my life. She responded that it was unfair of me to call him a “prick” because he is an alcoholic and alcoholism is an illness and he’s had a really rough life. She said I was being moralistic about an illness.

I was really irritated by her comments – I found them really moralistic, actually. I know those things, and I wasn’t making like, a commentary on alcoholism. And I also know that this person has consistently been an inconsiderate prick to me – and I don’t mean just being non-committal, frustrating, inconsiderate, etc. I mean some level where I’ve cleaned up for him, been shouted at by strangers for his behavior, felt like his human trash can, etc. I’ve come to think he’s not just an alcoholic, but that he’s an alcoholic AND an entitled prick.

But my mind still goes around and around and I do have guilt and questions – and my friend’s comments upset me. I’m not sure how to frame my question to you. But I’d like your broad thoughts.

If your friend thinks it’s unfair to characterize this guy as a prick because he’s also an alcoholic, then she doesn’t understand the disease model of addiction.

Yes, alcoholism can be considered a disease. That’s one way of looking at it, but alcoholism in no way excuses a person’s shitty behavior. Neither does having had a really rough life.

A prick is a prick. This guy sure sounds like a one. It’s okay for you to say it, and it’s okay for you to cut him out of your life. Quit feeling guilty about finally not being a doormat. While you’re at it, tell your friend that if she’s not gonna be supportive, then she should shut the fuck up.

I am a physicist working at a fairly high end university researching fusion and renewable energy sources. Some of us here including myself recently made a discovery that, upon entering the light of the mainstream world; would drastically change how we view energy. The discovery was made quite a while ago but the research never saw the light of day and it has been about a year. The researchers obviously handed in all evidence of it and was initially hidden and we were all congratulated on our discoveries but we were essentially forced to stay quiet about it as other scientists took over research. I know the answer is looking me in the face, but why did it never see the light of day? Why did the school ever bother funding our experiments if it was just to be sealed in a vault and not actually put into application? Personal note: I kept a copy of some of our final experiments. What would you do in my position?

Send me the research and I’ll let you know.

I’m in my mid thirties and have just become single for the first time since college. Last night I ran into a guy I used to work with. He offered to buy me a drink so we went to a bar and chatted, and then we made out in the parking lot like high school kids for like ten minutes before I went home. He’s invited me over for friendly sex tomorrow which I’m totally down for. I feel weird showing up at his place empty-handed; should I bring wine? Is there etiquette to booty calls when you’re no longer in your twenties?

Sure, if you want, bring wine. Also bring condoms and a change of underwear.

As for etiquette, don’t expect to sleep over unless he specifically asks you to, and even then, don’t feel obligated unless you genuinely want to. (It’s best to have an exit strategy in place to avoid any post-sex awkwardness. A simple, “I have to be up early tomorrow” will get the job done in most cases.)

Other than that, just have fun.

What do you do about someone who starts raving about how sapiosexuals are oppressed and part of the LGBT spectrum and are a real sexuality which should be respected too?  Because ranting back “intelligence is not a gender preference,” or “most of us consider a mental connection to just be a normal part of creating a close relationship,” or “holy shit you’re just straight, you are a dude who is only into chicks but is even more into yourself” obviously doesn’t go anywhere, and just gritting my teeth is really starting to wear out the enamel.

Sapiosexuality isn’t an orientation. At best, it’s a preference. At worst, it’s something you call yourself in a dating profile to seem more interesting.

It’s fine if you’re turned on by intelligence, but that has nothing to do with whether you’re LGBT or even Q. Only a magnificent asshole with a victim complex would try and claim they were oppressed as a sapiosexual, and you should feel free to point out the irony that no one with any intelligence would ever fuck somebody who says shit that stupid.

I accidentally scratched the paint of another car while making a turn in a parking lot. I took a picture of the scratch and their license plate. I was going to report the incident to the local police and my insurance company. However, a friend informed me that I could be charged with fleeing the scene and sued. He recommended I keep the incident to myself. The scratch, although slight, is noticeable on both of our cars. I would have liked to pay for the damages. I don’t know if there were cameras around. I do not like being sneaky. I have been driving for five years and have never had an accident or violation before. What should I do?

The right thing to have done would have been to leave your contact information for the other driver to find, customarily in the form of a quick note tucked under their windshield wiper.

It’s too late for that now, unless you randomly happen to see that same car parked in the same lot again over the next few days. (If you do, your note should just say something like, “Call me about that scratch on your bumper.” Don’t apologize or make offers to pay in writing.)

Do not involve the police or your insurance company over minor accidental scratches. That is a waste of everyone’s time, and it will only cause you more problems.

It’s good that you don’t like being sneaky, but this isn’t you being sneaky. This is you fucking up. It happens. You’re gonna feel like a shithead for a few days, but that’s what you get, and now you’ve learned your lesson.