I’m a girl, I fancy my best mate, a guy.

Problem: He’s gay.

He’s not been in a relationship in over two years, but when he talks about other guys he likes, I get super jealous.

I really want to get into his pants.

Persuade me he’s a dickhead or tell me rohypnol is OK.

He’s not the dickhead. You are.

Come on, a fag hag who lusts after her gay best friend? You’re a fucked out sitcom cliche. Please go find a heterosexual male to fool around with before you ruin a perfectly good friendship.

I want nothing more than to fuck a friend of mine. Sometimes, I swear that my body is full of electricity when I think about the idea!

The problem here is this: she’s a girl, I’m a girl and I’m not openly bisexual. I haven’t come to terms with this, it’s not an issue, but I’ve never felt this compelled to throw caution to the wind. I’m at odds with what to do because I believe in patiently waiting on what the endurance of a crush really is. Most of the time, it’s just fizzled out sparks.

She and I hang out often, which is something I’m trying not to do as much anymore. She texts me all the time; when she wakes up, with random little things, etc. We can also go for hours texting back and forth with messages that if read, someone would definitely think there was some kind of relationship going. Her flirtation definitely borders on intrusion and in public I can undeniably say we’ve made a lot people uncomfortable. When we drink, our threat level becomes orange because she loves to dance on me. She’ll typically grind on me and it drives me crazy (she does this sober as well) and just taking it is all I can do as to not tear her apart right then and there. Most recently, I think we went a little too far in front of friends. I was drunk, she was high, and I kept feeling up on her butt. This was only because she wanted me to rearrange what she had in her back pockets. I kept rearranging at her beck, but it just looked like I was fondling her and admiring, sort of the way a man holds a woman by her ass and looks down at her. That same night, she wasn’t reluctant to touch my lips with her fingers just to get me to talk after a moment of being silent. That sent a straight up electric shock through me. Her touching my lips is something I don’t want to foolishly over-analyze but what I’m really thinking is, who does that??

When we’re alone, though, it’s different. We’re friends and we giggle about stupid boy stuff, her ex-boyfriend situation, our “moments” and everything else in between. When I made a comment about our borderline flirting to our group of friends, they just returned with “that’s just how Jane Doe is!” And when I confided in another friend about how often Jane Doe wants to hang out, she noted how someone had actually thought Jane Doe had been “on my ass” lately.

If I had none of this to add on to the fact that she broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago and is definitely trying to live it up, then I could easily say that she’s not interested.

I don’t want to ruin what can definitely thrive as a friendship. I don’t want to ruin the dynamic I’ve got with my friends and I don’t want to complicate anything in my life at the moment by making a stupid mistake as in believing this girl is into me when really it might just be that I’m seeing what I want to see. But she can go very far in what she says to me and if she wants to fuck, I really want to fuck her too.

Damn. Now I want to fuck her too. You paint a vivid picture, sweetie.

Here’s the thing. Odds are, she wants to experiment, even if it’s just once. If you want it to be with you, the trick is to make her feel safe and let her know that it won’t affect the friendship.

You’re both girls, but to pull this off you’re gonna have to man up. She’s a flirt, a tease. She’s the type who likes it when guys take control. Well, now that guy is you. You have to make the first move. It has to be firm. No hesitation.

Pick an evening where it’s just the two of you. Set the mood. Plan it out in your mind. Hell, this weekend is Valentine’s Day. You’re both broken up. It’s a perfect opportunity to playfully be each others valentines. Make it a girls night and don’t take it too seriously. Once you’re back at your place and both slightly toasted, pin her up against the wall and kiss her like you’ve always wanted to.

Keep going. Whatever you do, don’t stop. Don’t start talking, and don’t get all giggly. Just get lost in the moment, and you’ll be naked together in no time.

Afterwards, you can both blame it on Valentine.

Or, you can fuck each other again.

Best of luck.

Dating your best friend?

Bad idea.

You can fuck ‘em. You can even marry ‘em. Whatever you do, don’t date ‘em.

i want to kiss the scruffy faces of ruggedly handsome men and the ass-soft cheeks of beautifully feminine girls

why does the world seem to think i’m such a bad person because of that?

The world doesn’t think you’re a bad person. A few ignorant, close-minded people who’ve been poisoned by religion think that.

If you also happen to be good looking, you can be sure to add a few good old fashioned haters to the list. Those miserable jealous fucks don’t need religion. Haters gonna hate.

In either case, ignore them. Pity them. Better yet, taunt them.

Whatever you do, don’t start thinking the world gives a fuck.

I’m sixteen years old and in my second semester of college, which makes people think that I’m super smart and talented and that I’m going places. Ha. Right. Really, I’m just here because I needed to get out of high school ASAP and, at the time, college seemed like the best option.

The thing is, now I feel trapped. My parents are paying loads of money to send me here, and I can’t help them out because no one wants to hire a sixteen-year-old chick that can’t drive and has no job experience. Plus, I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. Right now, I’m focusing on neuroscience and psychology, but neuropsychology isn’t exactly a field you should enter without being damn sure it’s what you want to do with your life, and I’m just not.

Don’t get me wrong: neuropsychology is a ridiculously fascinating subject. I could literally go on about all the different disorders for ages upon ages. It’s just, I’m scared that I’m never going to visit Egypt and England and Japan, or publish a hilariously bad romance novel, or do any of the things that I told myself I would when I was a little kid. I’m stuck being this girl that people think is smarter than she actually is, trying to live up to their expectations, and, fuck, isn’t sixteen too young to be having a mid-life crisis?

Whoa. Chill the fuck out, kid.

You’re not trapped. You’re just in a bubble, and you have no sense of scale. At your age, you could go off and have an entire career in neuropsychology, decide to change paths, and still be young enough to qualify as a cast member for MTV’s Real World.

Also, your parents want to pay for you education. It’s a point of personal pride for them. The work-study wage you can’t earn yet is a drop in the fucking bucket anyways, so stop feeling guilty and start taking advantage of the situation.

The only expectations you have to live up to are your own, and I’m guessing that you know damn well what you’re capable of doing. Hell, you could have a fucking PhD and still need a fake ID to buy beer.

Life is long, kiddo. Knock college out like you did high school, and then go off and do something cool. When you’re done, go do something else. After that, write a shitty book or go to Egypt.

You’ve got plenty of fucking time.

If you say coke is harmless (use not abuse) then why is everyone telling me it IS harmful? I’m asking because I don’t know what to believe right now, not because I’m against drugs or anything.

I didn’t say coke is harmless. It has its risks. So do french fries and asian drivers, but hey, that’s life in the big city.

Good for you, by the way. Not knowing what to believe is an excellent first step. Keep questioning authority. Learn to spot political agendas. Recognize when you’re being sold.

Believe whatever you want, kid. Just remember — belief isn’t knowledge, and knowledge sure as hell isn’t wisdom.

I suspect I may be bisexual. Problem is, I have limited sexual experience in general. This has led to an awful catch-22.

My “new” (or newly accepted) interest in my own gender means lately I’ve been less interested in pursuing the opposite gender. But my lack of experience with the opposite gender makes me absolutely terrified of pursuing or even talking about my new interest… with anyone except a random girl on the internet.

So, two questions. One, is it possible to realize something like this about yourself when you don’t have that much experience? It’s not like I have a lot for comparison here. Two, what the fuck should I do in general Coke Talk?

You don’t need sexual experience to recognize your own sexual orientation, but recognizing it and being comfortable with it are two different things. Being comfortable with your bisexuality does take experience. Relax. It’ll come.

Oh, and yes. If you suspect that you might be bisexual, it’s because you are. No big deal. So is everybody else. Really. It’s all just a matter of degree. Stop worrying about the label.

One day, you’re gonna start fucking — girls, guys, whatever — you’ll eventually get to swapping some bodily fluids. Until you do, you’re going to be a bundle of nerves. It’s perfectly normal to be freaked out by sex when it’s right in front of you the first few times. Enjoy the thrill.

Look ‘em in the eye and take it like a man — or give it like a woman — I honestly have no idea what your gender is, nor does it matter. Whatever turns you on, just be safe and go with it. If you’re lucky, the people you want to fuck will want to fuck you back.

Go knock it out and have some fun.

I just started out stripping 3 days ago and when i ask any customers for a lap dance they always say they don’t have any money, but i see them walk off and get 600$ dances from other girls.

i’m a very attractive girl and i have a good body, can your give me tips on how to talk these men into getting a lap dance from me?

ps. girls usually get most of their money from lap dances.

Yes, my dear. I am quite aware of the cash flow model of the average strip club, but it was very sweet of you to point out what you learned in your first few hours on the job. (The dollar sign goes in front of the number, by the way.)

Now, as for your problem. You need to shift your thinking a bit. Being a very attractive girl and having a great body is all it takes to get male attention outside the strip club walls, but once you’re inside the rules are temporarily suspended.

Gender roles are reversed. Women become the aggressors while men sit back and soak up female attention. It’s what they’re really paying for, and it’s all bullshit. You know it. They know it. The trick is to get them to temporarily forget that it’s all a lie. That’s how you make the big bucks.

They don’t pay you because they find you attractive. They pay you because you find them attractive. It’s called hustling, and it’s a hell of a lot harder than just standing around looking pretty.

Unless you want more than the occasional free drink and a few dollar bills at the pole, I suggest you start letting those men know how irresistibly sexy they are.

Good luck meaning it.

(Also, I highly recommend you follow both The Dame and Kat’s Blog. The Dame is a pole dancing bad ass who gives great advice, and Kat is a smirking genius whose blog is basically the Huffington Post of strip club culture.)