Do you have any advice for girl’s with body issues? I beat myself up over this newly developed cellulite that I assume just comes with the territory of getting older (I’m 27). I am in really good shape but can’t help but get depressed whenever I see my ass in the mirror.

When you turn around to look at yourself, arch your back, lean forward at the waist, and stick your butt up and out like a Playboy centerfold. Now squint.

Best I can do without lasers.

Why the fuck is there a light in the refrigerator but not in the freezer? I mean, I know they make those side to side ones that have them, but I’m talking traditional old frig/freezer combos, stacked.

Please, please answer this question. I have a bet with my dog and if he wins another one I’m going to have to reconsider living.

There are no lights in freezers for the same reason that there are no seat belts in school buses.

Back in 1954, a closeted homosexual with a buzz cut and an engineering degree sat in front of a drawing board at GE and decided to fuck the world.

Tell your dog to pay up.

What are your thoughts on the Monroe piercing? I’ve never had a facial piercing before, but I’m pretty sure I could rock it. Plus I’m a college student, and I work in an environment that is down with body modification (to an extent). But does it scream “rebelling adolescent?” I’d rather avoid that.

Don’t worry. These days, a monroe piercing does not scream “rebelling adolescent.” It merely screams “adolescent.”

That’s fine, really. You’re in college. Perfectly appropriate time to stick shit in your face.

Best of luck. I hope that you do, in fact, rock it.

What are your thoughts on dating Persian men?

Based on the overly aggressive, mildly annoying way you submitted this question seventeen times in a row, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you’re Persian.

I’m also going to assume that what you’re really doing is asking me to speak on behalf of all LA party girls as to why you’re constantly being rejected in the clubs. You’re using me as a barometer to measure whether there’s any latent cultural bias out there.

You’ve seen the kind of shit I talk, and you want to use any derogatory statements I might make as ammunition in your pity party. You can’t wait for me to start throwing around words like swarthy, sleazy, greasy, and creepy so that you can quietly self-confirm that it’s not your fault — stuck-up bitches just hate on Persians.

Well, the real answer is going to annoy you. I don’t care about nationality. I don’t want to care about nationality. If you happen to be Persian, fine cool whatever. On the other hand, if you identify as a Persian, I’m much less likely to give you the time of day.

Now, don’t get your Ed Hardy briefs in a twist. The same goes for every nationality. I don’t care if you’re Persian, Israeli, Armenian, Mexican, Irish, or motherfucking Cherokee. If the most interesting thing about you is based on whatever war-torn shit-hole your grandparents decided to flee, I’m just not going to be that interested.

Nationality is right up there with religion and professional sports teams as one of the most annoying things that one-dimesional, weak-minded people use as a substitute for an actual personality.

What do you do if you want to get a guy’s attention? Start with the “subtle” options then work your way up?

I hope you appreciate the irony of putting emphasis on the word subtle.

By the way, just because you use quotation marks as if you’re winking at me, it doesn’t mean I can read your mind or anything. I have no idea whether you’re implying “subtle” eye contact or a “subtle” blowjob.

I suppose either one will get a guy’s attention if you do it right.

I thought I would flip things and ask a question regarding you for a change. From your earlier posts, it seems that you are in the throws of a long distance relationship. How have you been able to keep this relationship going and stable? Do you both not mind each other sleeping with other people? I know you feel sex is one thing and love it quite a different beast, however, how do/did you come to terms with him sleeping with other women? Jealousy is a basic human emotion that you simply can’t turn off with a flip of a switch. I know some part of you deep down wishes he would be waiting for you and only you.

Yep, I’m still in the throes of a long distance romance. Shit’s working, too. We’ve started tossing around the L word, and I honestly can’t remember ever being this happy in a relationship I knew was healthy.

We’ve kept it going by making an effort to see each other regularly. We spent the holidays together, and for the past five months, we’d usually make it about ten days before one of us would hop on a Southwest puddle-jumper for a long weekend of sex and candy.

But that’s just logistics. The real trick is that we’re both strong enough to handle it, and neither of us is hung up on monogamy. I know it’s hard for you to comprehend, but I really don’t care if he sleeps with other women, because he does it the right way.

I’ll give you an example. He was on a business trip in Puerto Vallarta a couple months back and met a girl. He made it a point to whip out an international calling card, dial my number and check to make sure it was okay with me before he spent the night with her. Hell, I talked to the chick. She was cool as fuck. Next time she’s in LA, we’re all gonna hang out.

Even though our relationship was still pretty new at the time, he respected me enough to get a thumbs up. He knew I’d be cool with it, but he still called. The same goes for me, by the way. It’s a two way street, we’re both completely open with each other, and it works.

Besides, it’s not like we’re constantly giving each other hall passes. We’re both pretty slammed with work, and we end up seeing each other in what free time we do have. It’s much more likely that we’d wind up in a hotel room hooking up with a random couple when we’re together.

But all that stuff, hey, it’s just recreation. It’s just crazy fun. At the end of the day, we get to curl up with each other and fall asleep together. That’s all that matters.

Sure, it can be hard sometimes. I miss him a lot. The long distance routine is a bitch, but it’s worth it. We’re just so fucking good together.

You insist that some part of me deep down wishes he would be waiting for me and only me, but the thing is, I already know he is.

I get to see him this weekend, by the way.

I can’t fucking wait.

I was wondering about your use of cocaine. You seem like a highly intelligent woman, and yet I was under the assumption that cocaine kills brain cells? Especially after repeated use.

Forgive me for any ignorance.

Sure, cocaine might kill a few brain cells. You know what else might? Damn near every other modern product you can drink, swallow, or inhale, starting with that vodka tonic you’re sipping on right now.

Honestly, I don’t know why everybody’s so possessive about a few neurons. If you make it to eighty with every last one of your brain cells, you aren’t gonna have any stories worth telling the grandkids.

I’m not saying you should run out and start smoking crack, but don’t be a pussy either. Stop listening to all the silly anti-drug propaganda and do your own research.

At the end of the day, it’s all just a pile of chemicals. Whether it’s an aspirin or an E tab, there’s nothing to be afraid of if you know what you’re doing.

As for your concern regarding repeated use, I say moderation in all things, including moderation.