I am a selfish but content fag with a female friend who is a sympathy addict and pill-head basket case. How do I escape her woe is me shit?

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on during legitimate crisis, but crisis isn’t supposed to be constant. If she’s a gaping sink hole of endless chaos and drama, you might want to decide whether you want her in your life at all.

If you do, it’s time for some tough love. If you don’t, cut her off.

Either way, don’t put up with her shit. Whenever she starts sucking the positive energy out of the room, just hang up the phone or show her the door. She’ll call you names, but you’ve heard worse.

Over the past couple/few months I’ve been feeling really fucking down. I barely manage to get out of bed, the slightest things are making me burst into tears, I don’t want to see anybody and for the first time in my life I’ve actually been thinking about how I wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow.

I was thinking about going to the doctor, I just don’t want them to put it down to ‘teenage hormones’ and send me on my way. I am only a teenager, but I think I know the different between hormones and feeling like this.

Do you think I’m being overdramatic, or should I go see somebody?

You’re probably being overdramatic, but you might as well go see somebody. Let a shrink throw some pills at you and see what sticks.

I’m seventeen and a couple of months ago I did something which was very painful: I dumped my former boyfried (my first one by the way), who was the typical “perfect in paper” boy and who I loved very much, but with who I had never been in love and didn’t like anymore after four months with him. He was totally devoted to me, he adored me, spoiled me and had told me I was the first girl he had ever fallen in love with. We had an awesome time together, and I dind’t feel guilty at all for not being in love. At the beginning I wasn’t totally sure if I didn’t feel the same anymore, and I told him about it. He said I shouldn’t worry, that I was feeling a bit weird because of the ending of the summer and the pms (which was true, I have a quite horrible pms), that the feeling would go away, and that if it dind’t, we’d work things out. But it didn’t, and after waiting for some absolutely painful weeks (he had to do some exams), I broke up with him. It was the most sincere, amicable and tender breakup you can imagine. He was great, and told me I was one of the best persons he had ever met ad that he would want us to be friends after a while. After a month and a half (!) he sent me an sms telling me he wanted to talk with me, but I told him I wasn’t ready yet. The thing is, even if I am 100% sure of having made the right decision, I still think of him everyday and feel nostalgic and gloomy. I know two months are not a lot of time, but I am a bit scared that this will continue for months and months. Maybe it’s the fact that I wanted him so much as a person, or that he was my first boyfriend, or that I felt so loved by him, but I can’t seem to get over it. Oh, and I would love being friends with him but I don’t think that’s possible. Do you? Any advice/wisdom that will make me feel better? Thanks a lot.

What the fuck? You broke up with him.

Actions have consequences, kiddo. In other words, tough shit. Deal with it.

You’re a fucking teenager, so don’t start with the whole “love but not in love” bullshit. I know that any relationship spanning multiple weekends seems like a major commitment when you still measure time in semesters, but four months is barely long enough for grown-ups to even start using the L word.

You had a great boyfriend. You got bored. You broke it off. Now you’re confused because you don’t have the emotional intelligence to figure out whether you’re heartbroken, regretful, or merely bored for lack of male attention.

Well, too bad. Time to learn from your mistakes and do better on the next boy.

As for “being friends,” it’s up to you whether you want to keep your exes in your life. Don’t kid yourself, though. He’s an ex, not a friend. If you can’t see the difference, then you’re probably not ready to handle it.

i got kicked out of college last week, yeah i fucked up blah blah blah… I wondered if you had any suggestions on what i should do from now until next september when i reapply? i have a part time job already but i need something else to do to stop me from shooting myself in the face out of boredem.
something a bit crazy, but plausible.
ta.

Join a cult.

You give the best advice I know of, and I’m a little stuck, so let’s give this a try.

I’ve been in a fantastic relationship with an amazing guy – let’s call him Jasper – for a little over a year and a half. When we first started going out, one of his friends (who he had previously made out with but never had an actual romantic relationship with), I’ll call her Grace, was pretty much in love with him. She was pretty disappointed, but never really said much past that she felt a little betrayed. He apologized (even though he’d TOLD her about a week after they made out that it was a mistake and he wanted them to remain friends) and no further discussion took place. About 6 months later, Grace started going out with a guy that she’s been with ever since, so we figured that she was well over him. She and I became friends, and everything seemed normal and relaxed between her and Jasper.

Now it turns out Grace’s had what seems to be massive amounts of pent-up emotions. She made a Myspace bulletin about a month ago that basically consisted of her complaining about how long she’s kept her feelings bottled up and she was going to start basically deleting people from her life. Jasper and I were two of those people. She told him that she still felt betrayed by him and can’t forgive him for what he did, and she told me that she just thought we were incompatible as friends and she had too many problems with my boyfriend to continue being friends with me. He was pretty bummed about it for a while, I passed her off as a somewhat-crazy bitch and we both got over it.

Just the other day, Grace sent a message to Jasper saying that for the past 3 nights, she’s had dreams about him and has woke up crying so hard each time that she’s felt sick. Just out of the fucking blue. She also told him that she STILL can’t get over what he did to her and she hates seeing him with me – she says she doesn’t know if it’s because she’s jealous or because she hates seeing him happy, but it’s one of the two. The conversation continued in that vein until he told her she needs to get her shit straight before she speaks to him again. I went a little nuclear when he told me about all this; a fucking year and a half later and she STILL a) obviously still has feelings for him and b) blames him for “fucking her over”.

Now my problem is: Grace recently moved in with one of my and Jasper’s closest friends, Jason. How are we supposed to deal with this girl when we’re over at Jason’s house (which is not very often)? She has her own room that she can go in, so hopefully she’ll pretend to be a big girl for a while and sit tight in there, but if she talks to me or Jasper I’m not going to hold back. Everything she’s done indicates that she still likes him (which is a betrayal of her OWN boyfriend) and I am by no means willing to act nice with her.

Should I just flat out tell her that I don’t give a shit what she has to say? Or should I just not even bother with wondering what to do?

If this is the whole story, then that bitch is boil-your-bunny crazy.

On the other hand, there could be more here. Have you ever wondered in the dark sticky corners of your mind that your boyfriend might have done something traumatic to her? Is that even remotely possible?

I don’t know. Eighteen months later and she’s got night terrors? It’s a bit fishy.

Regardless of whatever happened in the past, she’s not emotionally healthy. Better to keep your distance whenever possible unless you want to start some shit.

My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 19. I’m now 24 and feel that I have missed out on my single life. I’ve only been with him sexually and also feel that I have missed out on sexual opportunities. When I first starting feeling this way I also felt very guilty since my boyfriend has been nothing less of great to me. There is not a single thing to make me want to leave him except for this annoying feeling that I’ve been missing out. When I started to talk to my friends about this issue my crazy single friends said JOIN US you’re young and you shouldn’t be tied down. My friends in relationships said I’d never find another guy like my boyfriend. I’ve told my boyfriend everything and now he feels guilty for me never having my young and crazy single stage in life. He offered for me to have a one night stand, to go on break to figure things out or to date another guy at the same time. He said all he wants is my happiness and if that means to breakup so I can go wild and free, so be it. After he did all that I felt even worse because he was making such an effort to try to help me. I don’t know what to do but I feel its a lose-lose situation. Either I stay with him and always feel I missed out or I go single and loose probably the boyfriend I’ll ever have.

…

I just wanted to add something on my previous question on whether or not to go for the single life or to stay with my boyfriend. I’m a horny kinky bitch. My boyfriend is awesome in bed, but since I’ve never been with anyone else I really can’t compare. But I always fantasize over other guys, and what they would do, and how they would have sex. I’m also curious about being with a woman. And from reading all of your blogs, I can say I’m truly jealous of your lifestyle. I used to picture myself as a wild thing, untamed, never falling in love and never dealing with the “normal” part of life. I just don’t know how I got here. Help.

Lose-lose? Fuck that. Turn this into a win-win.

Where is it written that you can’t have the best of both worlds? Become swingers. Fuck other people together. Your boyfriend seems like he can handle it, and clearly you need it.

You really can have it both ways. I promise. Not only can it work, but it can be amazing. You can strengthen your relationship at the same time you’re indulging in all your sexual fantasies.

Talk it over with your man. Do some research together. If you need a good starting point, I recommend creating a couple’s profile on lifestylelounge.com. It’s the only social networking site for swingers that is straight-up, no bullshit. The people on it are real, and they’re very helpful when it comes to easing newbies in to the lifestyle.

Let me know how it goes.

in the past two months, i think i’ve become more self-aware than i have in most of my teenage existence. i realized i was gay in around seventh grade, hooked up with one measley [asian] kid my junior year, and here i am three years later, still alone.

i know i shouldn’t be so upset with the fact that i’m still a virgin, but it frustrates me to no end. my own mother told me that i’m the most sexually frustrated person she’s ever met (an exaggeration, i hope).

i can’t help but think that i’m too nice to fuck, too unattractive to be noticed, and too bland to be interesting. i’ve definitely been doing my own thing by not living up to shitty stereotypes, but what the fuck? not a single guy? i don’t want to meet a guy at some rainbow alliance meeting, because i find that special interest club bullshit uninteresting and a waste of time. i don’t want help finding a guy through setups from friends, because they’ve always gotten the wrong impression of what kind of guy i like— i’m introduced with a mascara-flaunting hep-B slut of a man.

so, i know it seems like i’m venting my frustrations for being 20 & perpetually single, but i just don’t know how i can change my “too nice to fuck” personality without changing who i am. i know i can make a guy very happy, because i think of myself as a romantic, but i’m starting to resent all my friends with their luck in relationships & supposedly constant sex.

please help with any advice in this window, because i have no one else to turn to for honest, brutal insight.

You’re twenty years old. Why are you bitching about relationships? Do you even know how to just go have some fun? And “too nice to fuck” — I don’t even know what that means.

It’s not your job to make a guy happy, and nobody cares if you’re a romantic virgin. Quit saying no to everything. Quit being so negative. Quit with the resentment.

Dude, quit acting like such a fag and go enjoy being gay.

“Somewhere back at LAX, I imagine there is a TSA break room where Shanaynay and Shaniqua are wearing my blonde and red wigs while singing karaoke into my travel dildo.”

“The moral of the story is pretty simple — white people are benevolent do-gooders, and black people are helpless, scary animals”

I guess they can be luggage handlers or thieves too?

Well, aren’t you clever?

Look at you, juxtaposing two contrasting statements out of context followed by a smug, passive-aggressive question to make a nebulous ad hominem accusation of racism.

Glenn Beck would be proud.

Are you a TSA agent named Shanaynay or Shaniqua? Is your mom? Unless you can answer yes to one or both of those questions, you have no business being personally offended by that line.

Since you seem to have a sense of self-righteousness where a sense of humor should go, I suggest you stop reading my blog and just stick to Oprah’s book club.