I want to fuck my best friend. We’re both spoken for; neither of us would ever ruin what we’ve got for sex.  My self-control isn’t worth a damn. Is there something you can say that will ruin my libido for him? I’ve stepped a toe (fuck it, a whole damn foot) over the line and I don’t know how to let this go.
 

You’re in love with your best friend, which terrifies you, which is why you’re distracting yourself with the possibility of acting out sexually.

Fucking him is a big red self-destruct button, and you’re prepared to blow everything up (and take innocent bystanders down with you) just to avoid dealing with all those complicated emotions.

Don’t make this about your libido. Be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling. That’s the only way you can start letting it go.

There are people who live by the script. They don’t really question it; they play the game they were born into and that’s enough for them. Then there are those who see the game for what it is, and they try to change it to suit their needs. They define what happiness and success is for them and seek it out. And then there are those who can’t get past the inherent bullshit that we as a society need any kind of game, and they say fuck it. They refuse to play.

I think I’m in the second category. My ex is in the third. A part of me admires him for what others see as laziness but what I see as rebellion. It’s over, and it’s never going to get better. At the end of the day, I need someone who also self identifies as being in the third category. I need a partner who will stand up and fight with me. So I finally got closure on this previous relationship, because that was never going to be him. My question I guess is whether you see him as brave or selfish? Or is it a bit of both, and my friends and I are both right? I can’t get past their dismissive disdain for someone that I still care about – and whose principles I ultimately agree with.

Yeah, your ex is just a lazy piece of shit, and even though the relationship is over, you’re still kind of romanticizing the fact that he’s a loser. That’s fine. You’re in the middle of a post-breakup emotional autopsy, and it’s perfectly normal to be picking apart your feelings on shit like this.

The reason that you can’t get past the dismissive disdain from your friends (even though deep down you already agree with them) is that you’re taking it personally. You feel like they’re somehow being critical of you. They’re not. At most, they’re being critical of your romantic choices.

The problem is you’re not ready to admit that you’re mad at yourself for being with this guy. You’re not ready to admit he’s a loser. Don’t worry. You’ll get there eventually. Trust me, in a year or two, you’ll look back and realize that your friends were right. You’ll realize that he wasn’t the one with principles — you were — and he just knew how to turn your principles into bullshit excuses.

(Again, it will take some time for you to fully internalize it, but one of the most important lessons you can take away from this relationship is that there’s a difference between having principles and making excuses.)

I recently had to deal with a socially conservative asshole who essentially made this point:

Now that gay marriage has to be recognized in all 50 states, my concealed handgun license that was only recognized by 36 states must now be recognized by all 50 states as well. That “now, no state has the right to infringe upon my Second Amendment right. If the violation of federalism works ok for LGBTs — then it works well for gun owners. I can’t wait to see how the gun-hating liberals try to get themselves out of this one.”

Please tell me what the fuck I can say to this person to shut them down, in the most Coke-tastic way possible.

I don’t know what this idiot means by a “violation of federalism,” but he’s misinterpreting the effects of the Full Faith and Credit Clause for the simple reason that sexual orientation is a protected class, whereas gun ownership is not, nor should it be. Guns may be a part of this douchebag’s identity, but owning them is still just a consumer preference, and not at all worthy of special consideration under Federal anti-discrimination law.

What he doesn’t seem to understand is that it’s perfectly fine for states to have different laws and regulations that apply equally to everyone. New York can have different speed limits than Utah. A medical board in Vermont can have different requirements than a medical board in Iowa. California can have different gun laws than Texas. On the other hand, Utah can’t have different speed limits for women. The medical board in Iowa can’t have different requirements for black people, and Texas can’t have gun laws that only apply to homosexuals.

This whiny asshole could legitimately claim to be a victim of discrimination if he were denied a conceal carry permit based upon his age, race, gender, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation, but that’s not the case. He’s just doesn’t like the fact that 14 states don’t honor the multi-state conceal carry permit for anyone, regardless of their age, race, gender, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation.

In your two most recent Fun Sized Advice blurbs, you gave one woman the advice that “if you don’t wanna take it up the ass, don’t fucking take it up the ass,” then you gave another woman the advice that her husband not wanting a vibrator in bed is just a sign of a “small minded man with a fragile ego.” The implication of the first one was that people shouldn’t have to do stuff in bed if they aren’t comfortable, and the implication of the second was that the guy should just put his feelings aside and do it.

Why is it okay for one to be an assertion of consent for things done in the bedroom, and the other is just a small-mind thing?

The implication isn’t that the guy should put his feelings aside and do it. The implication is that he’s a small-minded man with a fragile ego. He still has every right to say no to pleasing his wife with a vibrator, but it’s a bit ridiculous for you to compare that kind of ineffectual selfishness with pressuring your girlfriend into having anal sex against her will.

And just to be clear, if the wife had been complaining that her husband refused to take a vibrator up his own ass, I would have given both women the exact same advice. Instead, she was complaining that her husband refused to use a vibrator on her. Surely you see the difference with regard to issues of consent and bodily autonomy.

Please tell me you’re not confused about the obvious distinction here. Please tell me you’re just a douche playing a game of devil’s advocate with this passive-tense question of false equivalence, and you’re not some self-absorbed narcissist who can only frame an argument from the perspective of your own needs.

Why the serif font? It works well in headlines; it reads not so well on a screen. Just curious and readjusting to the new platform. BTW, you handled the transition very well.

Thank you. The theme came with these fonts out of the box, and my primary concern was just getting the site up an running again.

If you’ve got an eye for this sort of thing, feel free to leave a comment. I’m totally open to any font suggestions, feature requests, or notes on the user interface.

Now’s the time to make changes while it’s all still fresh.

I went out drinking with some friends last night. It was eventful, and now I have the phone number of a very nice male stripper who is really into me. I looked him up on Facebook (because I couldn’t remember what he looked like), and it seems like he’s extremely conservative (like, I think he might be a GW Bush supporter). I do remember that he’s a good dancer, was respectful of my personal space, and helped me find my friends at the end of the night. Not even sure what my question is. What’s a good hangover food?

A good hangover food is the celery stalk that comes with a freshly made Bloody Mary.

Also, you should totally go on a date with the Republican stripper, if for no other reason than for the rest of your life you’ll be able to use the phrase, “that one time I dated a Republican stripper.”

Coquette, you have been such an incredible influence in my life over the past five years. I didn’t realize how much you meant until you were so rudely taken away. Your prose is so clear, crisp and cutting, it’s one of the most refreshing things on the internet. Like a lot of people, I used to troll old posts just to remind myself of some shit I needed to hear- not just your advice, but hearing about the experience of others or conversations your readers would get into. This was a feminist, humanist, intellectual space where people worked shit out and it was awesome to see.

Please keep writing, and if you can, share it. Though to be honest I’ll be just as happy if you publish shit and I have to go buy it. I would probably get more work done on my computer anyway. But yeah, thank you. You have changed a lot of people’s lives, probably more than you think. So many of us don’t find their real life Coke Talk until a lot of these shitty mistakes have already been made, and so many of us need to be reminded that we’re entitled to some fucking dignity. Thank you.

Nah, thank you. Thank all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve appreciated the kind words you guys have sent my way these past few days.

I’m not sure what my personal blogging plans are for the coming weeks and months, but I wanted to get Dear Coquette back up and running as quickly as possible. I don’t know how permanent this new version will be, but I think it’s a pretty decent emergency solution. The notes and comments are unfortunately lost, and some of the links within the text are probably broken, but almost all of the posts themselves were salvaged.

The good news is, my submission system never missed a beat. I still have every one of the hundreds of thousands of letters you’ve sent me over the years, and as long as you all keep sending them, I’ll keep answering them.

Thanks again, and be sure and subscribe for news and updates as I figure out what’s next.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR OTHER TUMBLR?? AH! 

Tumblr terminated the coketalk account this morning. Again.

After the last time this happened, I made a separate backup account over at killcoketalk, but they deleted that too.

I’ll be blogging from notcoketalk until I figure out what’s next.

For years me and my brother have been living with abuse from my mother. She’s had a rough life riddled with the most terrible shit and mental illness to go with it.

Recently, we’ve come to the end of our ropes with her. The abuse has affected both of us in our adult lives –manifesting in social anxiety and fear of confrontation.

I want to cut her out of my life, but I don’t know if I should just stop speaking to her forever or write a letter detailing the harm done and why I can no longer have her in my life.

To make the whole thing more difficult, and honestly the reason why we’re still in contact with her at all, she threatens to kill herself whenever anyone confronts her about this behaviour. A part of me is afraid of pushing her over the edge, because we’re all she has left. But, I guess another part of me is wanting to call her bluff.

Is my thinking clear? Am I completely fucked up on the matter? I feel altogether ill-equipped for this situation. While I want to choose inaction, she’s been forcing my hand by harassing me with messages.

Thank you for listening if you have the time. I hope you’re keeping hydrated.

Write the letter, but write it for yourself knowing that you’re not going to send it to your mother. Be brutally honest, don’t edit yourself, and put it all down on paper. It will be a useful exercise in expressing exactly what you wish you could say to her.

Once you’ve written it, set it aside for a while. Come back to it whenever you need to add more thoughts. Feel free to start new drafts. Let it become a living document, a reference for all the negative shit you feel. Give it a while for the message to solidify and become strong.

In the meantime, try not to interact with your mother unless it’s on your terms. Establish firm boundaries and practice enforcing them. Eventually, your goal will be to only have contact when and if you want it. Cutting her out of your life will be a process, so don’t stop speaking to her all at once. Like you said, you aren’t equipped for that yet.

She may be your mother, but you’re the one who makes the rules now. She doesn’t get to force your hand. Don’t give her that power, and don’t let her manipulate you with threats of self harm.

Remember, you can’t choose inaction. All of this will be a deliberate, active choice, so let it be a conscious decision that comes from a place of strength.

Your fingerprints are all over the new season of Orange is the New Black.

And I see you schilling out for Netflix shit right now in preparation for when you talk about Orange – because you will, and have for the last two seasons- so that it doesn’t seem suspicious. You’ve clearly got a thing going with Netflix, and that’s why you’re schilling for them in the first place.

Which made me wonder if maybe your blog was started all the way back in 2009 as a sort of preemptive grass-roots advertising movement devised personally for Netflix by our generation’s Leo Burnett. That would take some extreme foresight and dedication to carrying out that plan, though, because it was certainly a long pay off. It depressed me to think of you in that way- whoever you are- so I decided to table that idea for later.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that the Nicky episode is real on point. I felt real feelings watching that entire episode, from top to bottom.

I also wanted you to know that I can see that you’ve spent the last three years dipping your pen in a lot of different ink, and I appreciate the impact you’re having on popular culture- whether it’s through work that you are personally doing, or through just putting your ideas out there on the internet for other people to read and integrate into their own work.

Thank you for that. Godspeed, bitch.

Okay, I appreciate the kind words, but you’re a little bit paranoid if you think I’m part of some grandiose Madison Avenue conspiracy.

I don’t shill. I make Netflix recommendations because I have a subscription. I’m the one paying them. They are not paying me. (Although I’d be happy to sell them a TV show.)

I haven’t started OINTB3 yet. It’s something I’ll have to binge watch, and I don’t have enough free time until later this month, but now you’ve got me curious about what you think my fingerprints look like.

Thanks for giving me more credit than I deserve. Godspeed back at’cha.