Well I like a guy who initiated our talks, got me to fall for him, and then went back saying that he cannot continue the relationship because he is still in love with his ex, who by the way is married and has two kids. So its like he is mourning a relationship which is 7 years old. Now he pushes me away and then writes sentimental messages that pull me. I am in a fix , is he indifferent, is he seriously in love with his ex, or is he playing me. P.S he has not given me any information about himself, but has all of mine.

Classic. You are being fucked with by an emotionally unavailable fuckboy. If you’re smart, you’ll never speak to him again.

I’ve been accepted to Stanford, Northwestern, Columbia, and Georgetown Law schools; as well as Sandra Day O’Connor at ASU (my sure thing, in case I didn’t get into any of the others).

Money isn’t a problem. Whichever one you tell me to attend, I will attend.

Damn. Congratulations. Go to Stanford.

(If you know now that you eventually want to practice law in New York or DC, then consider Columbia or Georgetown respectively, but only if there’s value in establishing yourself in those cities during law school.)

I have a boring adulthood question for you. My rent is going up, I need to buy a car this summer, and my hourly wage is not keeping up. I work at a large university; the positions are very structured and extremely carefully regulated by HR. That is to say, raises and promotions don’t really happen around here. Generally, to get paid more, one must look for another exiting position. I really like my department and my coworkers. I’ve been doing some extra work recently to cover for a coworker who is on maternity leave. Also, there’s a possibility of a promotion in a year when my supervisor retires. Do I a) ask for a raise, even though it’s very unusual; b) sit tight, build karma, and hope the promotion pans out; or c) just look for another (probably less pleasant but higher paying) job?

You’re forgetting option D: Find another job that pays more and use it as leverage for a raise in your current job. (That’s how you get raises and promotions in places that don’t usually offer them.) Of course, the trick is you actually have to deserve the raise. Your bosses have to be willing to go to bat for you with HR. They have to want you to stay more than you want to leave. You can’t be easily replaceable, and it’s a card you can only play once every few years at the most. (You also have to be fully willing to leave and take the other job. You can’t be bluffing, but then again, if they aren’t willing to keep you, then they probably weren’t ever gonna promote you.)

I read your advice blog all the time and recently used it yesterday when I found sexts from another woman to my husband on my home computer.  I want to forward you the email bc it has incriminating pictures I need to send to a third party I can trust.  I think my husband might try to delete it through my email; he already deleted the photos on dropbox and changed his password.  Thanks for you help I would not have known to do this without you.

Okay, first of all, gross. I really didn’t need to open up my inbox this morning to find it filled with pics of this hoochie’s pale open ass and beer-soaked tits. Not cool.

In the future, if you’re in a hurry to stash photos like this, don’t email them to an anonymous stranger on the internet. I appreciate that you trust me, but you don’t know me, and it’s ridiculously inappropriate for you to enlist me in your little conspiracy without my consent.

Just so you know, I won’t be keeping them. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sorry, kiddo, but I’m not some revenge porn escrow agent. I want no part of your drama. In the future, create your own secret gmail account and forward the incriminating photos to that address.

Also, never send threats via email. No doubt this bitch is a home wrecker, and she deserves a warning, but the email you sent her contains an overt threat of retaliation. Shit like that is stupid and dangerous. It can be used against you. Point is, do what you gotta do, but don’t leave a trail of evidence behind with your name on it.

A friend of mine has been in a relationship for 8 years and he recently told me he’s been unhappy for the last 4. His girlfriend broke up with him last week (she has been unhappy too) and moved out, but it was a bit of a shock for both of them and they are now trying to see if they can “fix things.”

I think he should remain single and feel like he’s falling back to her because he’s lonely and unsure he will find someone else. Should I tell him my opinion or mind my own business?

Your friend is enjoying the misery. This will end up being his favorite part of the relationship. He is an emotional masochist, and the ache and futility of trying to fix a broken thing gives him a romantic purpose he hasn’t felt in years.

Your opinion doesn’t mean shit in the face of that kind of exquisite suffering. He’ll move on when the pain turns to numbness, when he finally has no dignity left. Until then, don’t even bother trying to interfere.

Asking as a 20-something woman who has voted in every election since Obama Round 1: can you sell me on Hillary? I try to stay informed on all the current political events but there’s so much crap to sort through I don’t even know how to begin researching candidates. There’s no chance in hell I’ll vote Republican but I still want to make an informed decision.

There’s gonna be plenty of time in the coming months to talk about politics, so if there’s no chance in hell you’ll vote Republican, then I really don’t have to sell you on Hillary at all, unless of course, she wins the nomination and then Bernie Sanders decides to run as an independent in the general election, in which case, ask me this question again in a year.

This may sound weird but reading your column over the past few years gave me enough courage to file a restraining order against my deranged fuck buddy who tried to break in to my house last night. I recognized that his behavior would only escalate and probably become violent, so I got the restraining order now instead of later. I did what I thought you would do, and I feel safer and more powerful for it. Thanks for that. I know I was the one who made the decision, but you helped shape my thinking so that I’d make the safe and healthy choice. Thanks for that.

Damn. Good for you. It sucks that you’re having to deal with this, but I’m glad that you took action with the restraining order. You definitely did the right thing.

(Just to be clear, someone trying to break into your house is an act of violence. He doesn’t have to physically injure you for it to count.)

I earn $35,000 a year. He earns $74,000 a year. We’re currently searching for a new apartment after spending 4 years in different cities. He wants to split the rent 50/50; I would be more comfortable paying an equal proportion of our incomes. Thoughts?

Yeah, you’d be even more comfortable if he’d just pay the rent for the both of you, but he’s obviously not that kind of guy.

If he wants to split the rent 50/50, then it’s only fair for that number to be tied to your ability to pay, not his. In other words, how much can you responsibly afford to pay per month in rent on a $35,000 salary?

It’s entirely up to you, but using the standard 30% of your net-income rule, let’s say you’re willing and able to kick in about $650 a month in rent. (That’s a completely arbitrary number, though. You can set it wherever you’d like, but the point is, you set that number for yourself.) If he kicks in $650 as well, that means the two of you can afford a $1300 apartment.

This is where he’ll have to start to compromise. If you guys can’t find an apartment that you both like renting for $1300, then he should be the one to make up the difference. (If he’s not willing to do that, then you should consider what it’s going to be like living with a miserly asshole.)

Of course, all of this should be part of a much larger discussion about your mutual finances. Are both of your names going on the lease? Are you splitting the utilities? Who’s buying the groceries, and who’s paying for cable? You gotta start talking about all that shit.

(Oh, and if you think the money stuff is hard, good luck cohabitating after four years of long distance.)

My therapist threatened to leave me because I frustrated her too much. I kept skipping sessions because of my inability to get out of bed due to my depression and drinking and she told me…through tears….that “it was as if I want people to treat me like shit and that’s the only way I know how to act” I don’t know if that’s valid but it fucked with me pretty hard. You know, when even your therapist thinks you are a lost cause. I am a people pleaser that attracts users and fucked up boyfriends. I don’t want people to treat me like shit. I didn’t use to be this way but after a bout in a coma and subsequent trauma, I just don’t want to upset anybody or be alone. No matter how shitty they treat me. I don’t want to be this person.

If your therapist told you anything through tears, find another therapist. You’re the one who gets to cry in therapy, not her.

Then again, I doubt she “threatened to leave you.” That’s just your interpretation of what sounds like her setting an ultimatum of mandatory attendance. If you can’t even show up for sessions, then she very well may drop you as a patient. That doesn’t mean she thinks you’re a lost cause. That just means she won’t put up with your bullshit. After all, her time is her livelihood, and it’s not cool for you to waste it because you’re too hungover to drag your ass out of bed.

Now, I also don’t know whether you’re clinically depressed and self medicating with alcohol or you’re just some flake with a victim mentality who drinks too much. Either way, you need to stop using your past trauma as an excuse for your current patterns of self-destructive behavior.

Sure, your past trauma may be one of the significant reasons for your current patterns of self-destructive behavior, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. A reason is not an excuse. You still have to be held accountable for your actions. More importantly, you have to start holding yourself accountable.

Oh, and here’s a nickel’s worth of free therapy: You are not a people pleaser that attracts losers. You’re a textbook codependent who needs to work on her assertiveness skills. If you don’t want to be this person anymore, stop drinking so much, show up for your fucking therapy sessions, and tell your therapist you’d like to work on becoming more assertive.

I’ve written you a few times in the past, each time felt like a fucking life or death situation at the time, but looking back I can’t even remember what it was I asked.

I’m writing to you now because I’ve always thought of you as my badass therapist, and I need advice.

I’ve been in a monogamous lesbian relationship for over two years. I love her completely, and I’ve fought for our relationship many times. Recently, I’ve found myself attracted to men. One man in particular has me questioning my entire relationship. My girl intuited that I’ve been craving dick and gave me the go-ahead to have an open relationship. I know this isn’t what she really wants. But, she said she knows she can’t fulfill all my needs and she doesn’t want me to be unhappy.

I’m so tempted to tell her that’s what I want, but so fearful that I’ll break her heart by doing so. Meanwhile, all I can think about is him.

What the hell do I do?

She’s setting you up. It’s probably not malicious, but she’s handing you the long, hard rope you’ll use to hang yourself. That dick will be the end of your relationship.

I mean, shit. If you hop on it really fast, get the dick out of your system without getting emotionally involved with the guy, and if you’re completely honest about all of it with everyone, then there’s a slight chance your relationship might make it past your little dick season, but I doubt it.

It’s a tough call, and it wouldn’t be right for me to tell you what to do. Ultimately, you’re just gonna have to decide which decision you’ll regret less.