There’s a hot and successful guy who keeps asking me out and I am unable to utter the words “I’m flattered but I have a boyfriend” so I just keep dodging him and I’m a terrible person and I just wanted to tell someone so there you go.

Tell your boyfriend. Seriously. Tell him.

You don’t have to be all serious about it. That kind of shit can be hilarious if you know how to spin it. Besides, if you aren’t comfortable enough in your relationship that you can talk to your boyfriend about other dudes throwing game at you, then what the fuck are you doing with your life?

Fuck it. Go deep or go home.

My boyfriend and I are poly and we recently went to a sex club that we like.  I had a great time, but at the end of the night when I overheard him asking the woman he’d been involved with if he could “call her sometime,” I found myself getting really upset.  I would be fine with that in any other context, but I had viewed this as a place where we went in, had fun, and got out.  He feels like we should be able to stay in contact with people we meet there because it’s hard to find poly people out in the world, but this place is teaming with them.  I think that makes sense, but it still makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason that I can’t fully identify.  Part of me wants to work through these feelings and try to be ok with staying in contact with people we meet there, and part of me just wants to say “I’m uncomfortable with it and so we can’t do that.”  What do you think?

Your issue isn’t that your boyfriend asked for this woman’s number. Your issue is that he didn’t check with you first. That’s why it’s bugging you.

He assumed you’d be cool with him swapping contact info, and you probably would have been, but he never explicitly asked to see how you felt about it, and now it’s turned into a thing.

Don’t worry. Shit like this is easy to fix. You just have to make a few minor adjustments to your sex club protocol. The couples that I’ve seen handle this the best are the ones who always involve each other in the decision to remain in contact with a play friend. They do it together.

If you’re there as as couple, then at the very least, your boyfriend should know to get your explicit permission before he asks to stay in contact with someone. Same rules apply to you. You shouldn’t give a dude your number without checking in with your boyfriend first.

Of course, just because one of you asks doesn’t mean the other has to say yes. If either of you get a bad vibes, you should both feel free to say no. It’s perfectly okay to stay in contact with people you meet at sex clubs, but there’s also nothing wrong with being picky about it.

Was Katy Perry’s AMA performance racist? Break it down for me, Coke.

Her performance was most certainly culturally appropriative — that much is obvious, but whether that appropriation rises to the level of racism depends on how you frame it.

If she had come out in blackface or wearing some sexed-up Pocahontas outfit and done the same type of performance using either African-American or Native-American cultural signifiers, then it’s an easy yes. As a rich, white American celebrity, that shit would have been racist.

It’s a little tougher to make the same call when it comes to Japanese culture, because there isn’t the same history of oppression that makes appropriation so inherently disrespectful. Then again, given America’s tumultuous relationship with the Japanese (let’s not forget those atomic bombs and internment camps), it’s not an impossible argument to make.

Again, it’s all in how you frame it. Is this an example of a Westerner cartoonishly lampooning an Eastern culture? Yep, it definitely looks that way. She didn’t have malice in her heart when she loaded up her performance with Japanese cultural signifiers, but that’s not really an excuse. She wasn’t intentionally trying to be disrespectful, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t a big fat stupid example of Ugly-Americanism writ large at the American Music Awards.

The problem with Katy Perry is that she should have known better. Normally when some American idiot gets obsessed with Japanese culture, she just annoys her high-school friends with a bunch of Hello Kitty nonsense until she grows out of it. Unfortunately, Katy Perry is a fucking superstar, so when she gets obsessed with kimonos and Geishas, dumb shit like this happens.

Ultimately, I’ll be curious to find out how actual Japanese people respond it. I’m comfortable calling Katy Perry’s performance a quintessential case of insensitive cultural appropriation, but that doesn’t automatically mean racism.

Whether it’s racist is for the Japanese to decide, and I honestly couldn’t tell you if they’ll embrace it, reject it, or even give a shit in the first place.

Reading your blog got me out of bed just now. It even got me a roll of baking paper and a black texta and writing an outline for the next 7 years. An outline that ended with, “Do you really want to get to the end of your life and think, well that turned out exactly how I thought it would?” Just in case I get too caged again.

I pulled up the blinds and threw open the window. The tiny crystal my brother gave me is flicking tiny rainbows onto my walls.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

Don’t worry. Your life won’t turn out how you think it will, but it’s nice to have a few goals on a roll of parchment.

If your tiny crystal is flicking rainbows, that means you’re somewhere on the other side of the world. Give the daylight my regards.

Your inspiration is my insomnia.

Hillary over Warren because Warren is not a viable candidate or because you actually prefer Hillary?

I actually prefer Hillary. At this point, she’s more qualified to be President than anyone else on the planet, including her husband.

Warren is fantastic, but she’s still more functionary than figurehead. She’d go great in Hillary’s cabinet, preferably as Treasury Secretary. With Yellen as Fed Chair, that would be an unprecedented triumvirate of women in charge of the whole goddamned monetary system.

I’m currently writing a book about millennial drug culture… this isn’t some “poor little rich girl” Cat Marnell-style name-drop fest either. I’m trying to really dig deep into my experiences as a festival lot rat the past 7 years (and Coachella does NOT count, I’m talking real festivals and real bands). And dig further into the concept that being a heavy recreational user in this era is just as important now as it was in the 60’s, I want to bring understanding that the counterculture didn’t die at Altamont, but lives on as the bastard child of the past 4 decades.

As someone who has wonderful taste in literature and values books, do you think writing a book is a total waste of time these days? I sincerely don’t think this whole concept could be fit into a blog but I can’t shake this feeling that the published word (no matter what its about) is being shoved aside and that this is a waste of efforts.

Writing a book is never a waste of time. The published word is an ever-evolving art form, and good storytelling will never be shoved aside as long as the human experiment continues.

Also, Coachella does count. Don’t be an asshole about this. Seven years is long enough for you to remember what that festival used to be, and the worst mistake you can make is pissing off legions of potential readers by telling them that the bands they love aren’t “real,” whatever that means.

While you’re at it, be careful not to eulogize the 60’s too much. That decade gets way more credit than it deserves. The fucking baby-boomers who were our age back then claim counterculture as their creation in the same way that every generation thinks they invented oral sex.

Fuck that noise. Sure, we all would’ve loved to have seen Hendrix live at the Fillmore, but our drugs are a helluva lot better, and I’m willing to bet that Miike Snow live at the Fonda was just as much of a religious experience for those who were there.

Don’t ever try and talk yourself out of writing a book. Leave the bullshit excuses about the state of the industry for the sad bastards who have already given up on their dream of being published.

If it’s in your head, get it the fuck out. Worst case, it’s a piece of shit that sits on a shelf, but that’s still infinitely better than daring yourself to do it and then never following through.

Whoa, back up here, please.

Parents need to support their children all the way. I’m not talking about financially spoiling them. I’m talking about helping their child to see that trying and failing is nothing that will kill you. They need to get behind their child and help them see how to focus. While you are almost definitely right on the nose with slashes, I feel you’re off the mark with support. This girls problem is that she’s unrealistic, not that her parents should or shouldn’t support her. Either her mom or dad should google her some auditions and give her some bus fare.

Um, no. Parents should love their children unconditionally. Supporting them unconditionally is how you get narcissistic monsters high on their own self-esteem.

The childish desire to be a singer/model/dancer/actor might be cute (if not annoying) in a seven year old, but it’s a glaring fucking character flaw in a seventeen year old.

Encouraging your children to pursue their interests is one thing, but don’t confuse developing their talents for indulging their egos. Getting your little girl dance or voice lessons is completely different from allowing her to grow up with some unspecified craving for celebrity.

It’s not like this kid is a C student with unrealistic dreams of getting into medical school. This is a fame-obsessed twit with the pathological desire to be the center of every stage.

Point is, there are dreams you get behind and help your child try even if they fail, and there are fantasies that simply just should not be supported.

Are there any movies that make you cry? Maybe not every time, but the first time you saw it?

Oh, hell yes. Shamelessly. When it comes to movies, I am a crying crier who cries. Off the top of my head, and in no particular order, here’s a list of the ones that fuckin’ got me:

Steel Magnolias
Searching for Sugar Man
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
Good Will Hunting
Dead Poets Society
American Beauty
Lars and the Real Girl
Donnie Darko
Igby Goes Down
Little Miss Sunshine
Forrest Motherfucking Gump (I was too young to know any better.)
Cast Away (Damn you, Wilson.)
Road to Perdition (Damn you, Tom Hanks.)
Cloud Atlas (Seriously, Tom Hanks. Quit it.)
Warrior (Holy shit, Tom Hardy.)
Cinema Paradiso
Boogie Nights
Blow
Marley and Me (Duh)
Requiem for a Dream
The series finale of Six Feet Under (I know it’s not a movie, but anyone who saw it knows exactly what I’m talking about.)
Philomena (Might as well make this a running list.)

I am a Jewish woman, with family who were killed in the Holocaust. I recently travelled to visit two of my close friends, and to see the country that they are from. While I was there visiting, I realised that some of their friends they were introducing to me are Nazis. I am ashamed to say that I didn’t say anything while there, and held my tongue until later where I confronted my friends. They admitted that they have many friends who are Nazis, but that they don’t see it as a problem. I don’t know what to think, am I being to sensitive? I haven’t spoken to my friends since I returned home, how can they condone such behaviour?!

Based on the way you write, I’m guessing you’re from somewhere in the UK, and so your trip was probably to Continental Europe, which is to say that you’re not talking about a couple of redneck white power douchebags. When you say Nazis, you mean actual fucking Nazis. Real live “Sieg Heil” motherfuckers.

Ugh, that’s so creepy.

Do I really have to say it? It’s not okay to associate with Nazis. If there are people you know who “have many friends who are Nazis,” and “don’t see it as a problem,” then those people simply can’t be in your life anymore.

Sorry. You gotta draw the line somewhere, and fucking around with Nazis is a pretty obvious place to start.

Is it not racist/sexist to assume that the black women in Lily Allen’s video had no choice and were being exploited? Are we assuming they’re oblivious too? They didn’t seem like they had a problem with it.

Had no choice? No, no. You’re misunderstanding the concept of exploitation in the context of media.

It’s not that the women in Lily Allen’s video were forced to perform against their will. They were free to enter into a contract and be compensated for their work, but then again, it’s not their labor as black women that’s being exploited (although I suppose that argument could be made.)

It’s their image as black women that’s being exploited. It’s a cultural and sexual exploitation that’s going on here, and no, we’re not assuming they’re oblivious to it. That would be condescending as hell.

Still, whether they themselves have a problem with it is somewhat beside the point. Their awareness and consent doesn’t negate the underlying exploitation.

Also, let’s not go too far down the rabbit hole here. It’s not as though Lily Allen committed some fresh and horrible crime. She merely made some poor creative decisions that were unintentionally racist and sexist while remaining oblivious to her white privilege and therefore unapologetic for the exploitation.

This kind of shit happens all the time. That’s kind of the point. It’s all a big hideous cliché.