I was recently sexually assaulted by a guy I had just met that night. I feel like I am handling the situation as best as I can. I contacted the police, the university we attend, am seeing a psychologist, and am working on repairing myself.

The night the incident occurred, I made a horrible decision to call a previous one night stand as emotional support. Surprisingly, he was really great and for the entire first week after spoke to me daily and would check in on me. It was nice.

A week later, however, him and I were texting and I asked him if he thought I was easy. He said yes… and then proceeded to clarify for 20 minutes why he felt that way. I tried to tell him I only asked because it was my biggest fear about if that was why I had been sexually assaulted. He continued to stick to his story and defend his position. Needless to say, I was furious by the end of the conversation.

Since the conversation, he and I have not spoken besides a few short texts. I feel like I should text him and apologize or at least attempt to reach out, but something keeps me from actually doing that. Should I try and talk to him again? Given the situation, I don’t think we would have really spoken after our hook up if I had not called him the night of the incident. What is the best step to take in his and my friendship/relationship from here?

Go ahead and reach out. Forgive the guy for answering your question honestly. You asked him if he thought you were easy, and he flat out told you yes. He could have bullshitted you and told you what he thought you wanted to hear, but he didn’t. Good on him for being honest. Also, good on him for being emotionally available to you in a crisis.

Now, put this dude aside for a second and let’s focus on what’s important. The problem isn’t whether he thinks you’re easy. The problem is that you believe that it’s possible for your sexual availability to be the proximate cause of your sexual assault. It’s not. Really, I can’t stress that enough. You did not cause your own rape.

It’s perfectly normal for you to be asking yourself why it happened. Unfortunately, it’s also normal for you to blame yourself. After all, we live in a culture that makes excuses for the asshole who raped you while at the same time shaming you for enjoying your sexuality.

That’s what’s so fucked up here. Your instinct to blame yourself is born out of an internalized misogyny that makes you feel bad about being easy in the first place. Fuck that shit. There’s nothing wrong with you being easy. You shouldn’t feel the least bit bad about your sexuality or your sexual availability, but you do, and as a result you’ve allowed that sexual shame to turn into guilt even though none of this is your fault.

You weren’t sexually assaulted because you’re easy. You were sexually assaulted because a violent man made a despicable choice to commit a criminal act. No part of you is to blame for what happened. No behavior or choice you made is the reason you were sexually assaulted. The piece of shit who raped you is to blame. It’s entirely his fault. 100%. It’s on him and no one else.

I hope you come to know that soon.

you don’t deserve the influence you have gotten over people’s opinions and decisions. you should stop. these poor people that come to you are lost and want to make a god out of you – they actually believe you have it all figured out and take your word for gospel. it’s an online trick (not your fault) but you should retire…

Tell it to Fox News, asshole.

(But hey, thanks for reading.)

Getting turned on freaks me out.

My boyfriend and I aren’t having sex for faith-related reasons, but we’re not the sheltered religious types. We talk about sex and fetishes and fantasies and what have you. The whole category of topics is hardly taboo.

Waiting’s not the problem. The problem is that, in practice, I get freaked out by my own sexuality. Religious doctrine aside, I really believe that sex is this awesome activity that is a natural part of who humans are, something to be treated with respect, because it’s powerful, and enjoyed, not vilified. But still, getting turned on, and all the things that follow, makes me… sort of ashamed. Like my body’s doing these weird, gross things, and it shouldn’t be. I’d like to not be freaked out by the fact that my own sexuality is a real thing. I’d like to enjoy what the boyfriend and I do, but I get caught up in anxiety and shame and, past a certain level of intensity, stop enjoying myself. Which sucks.

So there’s this contradiction in my head between what I’m feeling, and what I believe, and I just want to enjoy having a sex drive. You take no shit and are brutally honest, which is why I’m asking you instead of, say, a therapist. I’m pretty much hoping you have some magical regimen that will help me shut the hell up and enjoy myself instead of feeling afraid.

Okay, here’s what you do: Go online and buy a giant dildo crucifix, slather it in bacon lube, and have your boyfriend ram it into your big dumb vagina while you scream, “There is no god! There is no god! There is no god!”

Seriously, though. You want a cure for your cognitive dissonance? Stop believing in stupid shit. Your religion is a bronze-age fiction passed down through the ages by the ruling classes to keep social order. Let go of that nonsense. It’s poisoning you.

It’s great that you think sex is awesome, but you can’t just put religious doctrine aside when it’s the source of your sexual repression. You have to reject all that bullshit outright.

Religious doctrine is a tool of subjugation, and right now, it’s subjugating your sex life. If you had enough perspective, you’d realize that biblical notions of virginity are just a primitive form of institutional slavery. The sexual shame you’re feeling is all a dirty trick designed by creepy old men to protect your value as a piece of property. It has nothing to do with anything spiritual.

Keep the god if you must, but you can’t keep the doctrine, because at the end of the day, you’re a gigantic asshole if you believe that the creator of our unimaginably vast universe gives two shits about what you cram into your nether regions.

Today someone told me that America should get over 9/11. They said that other countries have suffered bigger losses, which is completely true. I do think that the media needs to stop masturbating to the tragedy, but should we really just “get over it?” I was so shocked I didn’t respond.

America has gotten over it.

How do I accept that I was abused and raped without becoming a victim? I’ve been told my whole life that no one likes victims, and I blame myself for what happened, anyway. I just want to move on, but I feel like I’m still too emotionally messed up from everything, so I’ve tried to avoid getting close to anyone since then. I know that’s not healthy, but I also don’t think anyone will want to be in a relationship with someone who was dumb enough to let someone abuse them.

When folks say that no one likes victims, what they mean is that no one likes a victim mentality, because it’s pretty intolerable when someone acts like a victim when they aren’t one.

You don’t have that problem. Quite the opposite, actually. You’re both terrified and resentful of ever having to be labeled as a victim, but due to the abuse you suffered, you feel as if you already have a huge fucking V tattooed on your forehead.

You don’t. Being a victim is not in your nature. Sure, some horrible shit happened to you, but it didn’t break you. You survived it, and now you’re in the process of healing. That’s how you need to start looking at it. Accepting that you were abused and raped doesn’t make you a victim. It makes you a survivor.

Just so you know, every emotion you’re experiencing is perfectly normal. None of this is your fault. Eventually, you will move on, and you’ll be an even stronger person than you were before all this shit went down.

I promise, this won’t mess you up forever.

For a very long time I’ve wanted a sugar skull tattoo. But for all the research I’ve done, and all the personal meanings the symbol has, I’m still a white Jewish woman and I worry to get such a tattoo would be appropriative and insensitive.

Yeah, okay. What the fuck do you want from me? I’m not here to give you permission, nor am I here to give you the strength of your bland and unimaginative convictions. This is your decision.

The real problem is that you’re a weak and shallow person who’s terrified of what other people think. You’re afraid to just admit that you want a sugar skull tattoo because it looks cool, so you did a little research and invented some flimsy personal meaning to try and justify it.

You’re full of shit. Go ahead and admit it. Have the fucking integrity to recognize that your attachment to Day of the Dead iconography is purely aesthetic, and at the end of the day, all you’re doing is following a trend.

Yes, the tattoo would be culturally appropriative, and yes, a few social justice warriors might call you insensitive. So fucking what? Just because you’re a white Jewish woman doesn’t mean you’re relegated to tattoos of Martha Stewart and matzah ball soup.

Tattoo whatever stupid bullshit you want onto your thin, pasty skin. Or don’t. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck. Either way, grow your own fucking spine. No one else can do it for you.

When I wrote the pregnant teenager post I probably should have mentioned that he actually made them an appointment to go to Planned Parenthood, and she just refused to go. But he said he is giving her an ultimatum at the end of this week, either she goes to get a check-up and makes a decision, or he goes around her and tells her parents. I’m hoping for the best. Thanks again.

Just flat out refused to go, eh? Hmm. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion about this chick. After he gives her the ultimatum, write me back and let me know if she claims to have a miscarriage within the following 48 hours.

does instant messaging with a man twice my age who’s married to a wife i really admire and who just had an adorable baby make me feel nervous and guilty because i know he and i mutually think one another are awesome and even though i would never never never do anything, this is the way people who do things start out, or is it because i’d just like to tell myself i wouldn’t but I really would?

You’d never never do anything? Bullshit. If the two of you have to hide the instant messages from the wife, then you’ve already crossed the line.

A little flirtation can be harmless. Hell, a lot of flirtation can be harmless, but if it becomes a thing she would be hurt to discover, then you shouldn’t be doing it. The betrayal is in the secret, not the act itself.

Of course, you already know that, which is why you feel nervous and guilty.

I was printing something on my dad’s computer and saw an email notification about activity on an AshleyMadison.com profile. The username was definitely his. My parents seem relatively happy and have been married for 25 years. What the fuck do I do about this? I’m in over my head.

Option #1 (Cold War): Pretend like nothing happened. Act as if you never saw anything and let the betrayal and disillusionment fester. Allow your anger to manifest as passive aggressive and rebellious behavior that leads to an eventual rift in your relationship with your father followed by a lifetime of mild to moderate daddy issues.

Option #2 (Conventional War): Print out the email notification and confront your dad with it. Tell him to get his act together, that you won’t tolerate him stepping out on your mom, and that there will be hell to pay if you ever catch him doing some stupid shit.

Option #3 (Guerilla War): Figure out your dad’s password, login to the account, and (depending on how much you want to know) either learn the extent of his transgressions or simply delete the profile altogether.

Option #4 (The Nuclear Option): Send me your dad’s username, and let me take care of it.

Reader Submitted Options:

Option #5 (Police Action): Print the email notification and leave it on the keyboard with a note that says, “Not my problem, but you should know that I know.” (by whiskyvangoghgo)

Option #6 (Non-Intervention Strategy): Mind your own business. He might have this worked out with your mother already. (by veritasnoir)

Option #7 (UN Sanctions): Print the email out and take it to Thanksgiving dinner. (by cyrilslady)