Dear Coquette,

I’m in a serious relationship with a man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, but I’ve just been offered my dream job with an amazing team on the opposite side of the country. My boyfriend is in a good place at work, and it’d be unfair to ask him to uproot himself from the career he has worked so hard to build. In addition, he’s trying to reach a point where he can support his little sister in high school (and soon, college), so his parents can retire.

Moving isn’t an option to him. He originally had hoped that we would get married within the next two or three years. If I take the job, it would be a four-year commitment. Realistically speaking, I won’t be able to get an equivalent opportunity again, since my college GPA was low and I got the offer through some aggressive networking while interning at the company.

I feel like I have to choose between my career or family before I have either. Is there any way this could work? I’m just being selfish, right? To want to leave for four years and ask him to wait for me. He has said he would, but he’s incredibly hurt that I even applied for the position.

I should probably mention … we spent the last 18 months apart while I studied/temped out of state and we’ve been together two years. Knock some sense into me, please.

First of all, congratulations on your hustle. It’s not an easy thing to land your dream job in today’s economy, and it sounds like you’ve done what it takes to get your shot. You should be proud of yourself.

For what it’s worth, you’re not choosing between a career or a family. You’re choosing between a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to follow your dreams and a boyfriend who, despite a lot of talk, hasn’t put a ring on your finger.

The good news is, you’re still gonna have a family. The bad news is, it’s just not gonna be with your current dude. I know that’s an unimaginable thing to hear when you’re young and in love, but that’s just the way these things go. Sorry, kiddo. You have to sacrifice for what you want in life, and we both know damn well what you really want.

Take the dream job and don’t look back. Don’t ask him to wait for you. That’s not fair, nor is it realistic. You have to accept that moving across the country for half a decade will be the end of the relationship. It doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you selfish.

This guy isn’t your fiancé, much less your husband, so all your talk about wanting to spend the rest of your life with him sounds silly in light of your own self-made opportunity. I know right now you’re head over heels, but that kind of thing mellows with time, and if you pass up on your dreams just to stick around and be his girlfriend, eventually you will resent him for it.

Dear Coquette,

My boyfriend just went to jail. He had a court date and they took him into custody for not complying with his probation. His sentencing isn’t for another month and I’m going to do everything I can to be there. He knows I’m here for him, as does his family, and I already told him I’d wait, no matter how long it takes. I’ve been completely in love with him since I was a teen, but between the time I met him (when I was 14 years old) and now, I’ve been with other guys. While he’s away now, I’m just going to keep to myself. I really don’t want anyone else. He’s everything I want, even though he’s made mistakes. I accept him for who he is and he does the same with me. I have two kids that he absolutely adores and they adore him, too. Never, in my life, has anyone made me feel like this. I just know he’s the one. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that everything will be fine.

Everything will not be fine. Sorry, kiddo. You’ve made a string of poor life decisions, and you’re too dumb and in love to start changing that anytime soon. It sucks, because you brought two kids into this world when you probably shouldn’t have, and it’s not their fault you’re such a loser.

Yeah, that’s right. I called you a loser. I know it’s not good manners to just come out and say it like that, but it’s the damn truth, and if you’re ever gonna start changing your life, you need to feel a little shame for the choices you’ve made thus far.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person. Hell, I’m not even saying that your boyfriend is a bad person. I’m simply saying that it’s not okay to be a single mother with a boyfriend in jail. You’ve got to set higher standards for yourself than that. You’re a loser in love with a loser, and both of your kids will grow up to be losers unless you do what you can to stop being a loser.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to do that. Sure, I can tell you to raise your standards, end your relationship with this guy, get an education, and spend a lifetime working hard to provide an even better education for your kids, but you aren’t ready to hear that right now. All you want to hear is that it’s okay to keep acting like a love-stoned teenager. Well, it’s not. Your time for fooling around with bad boys ended the second you made the decision to become a mother.

No one with a clue could possibly give you any reassurance right now. Life is only going to get harder, and by the time you’re wise enough to want more for yourself, it’ll probably be too late to do a damn thing about it. Still, I hope you get it together one day. I really do. In the meantime, quit worrying about your love life and focus on motherhood.

Dear Coquette,

I had sex for the first time the other night, and ever since, I’ve been down on myself. It’s gotten to the point where whenever I read, “Virgins are like unicorns these days” or some stuff like that, I get this cringe-y feeling in my stomach. I just feel depressed. How do I overcome this? I’m probably just being hormonal, huh?

Nope, it’s not hormones. What you’re experiencing is a thick warm slice of good old-fashioned sexual shame. It’s ugly stuff, and the best way to overcome it is to start critically examining the cultural cues that cause you to feel that way. You can’t help but live in a society that shames you for having sex, but you sure as hell don’t have to listen to it.

You’ve been conditioned to believe that virginity is sacred and sex is dirty, when neither is particularly true. If you’re ready to be sexually active, that’s OK. If you’re not, that’s OK too. Either way, your sexuality isn’t a bad thing. It’s a natural part of the human condition, and as long as you’re smart about it and practice safe sex, you have no reason to feel ashamed.

The sex is getting boring after two and half years. He’s not putting in the same effort to get me into it like he used to. We’ll just be lying together still and quiet, and he’ll very abruptly ask for it. It’s not sexy at all, and then I feel reluctant. How do I fix it?

It took two and a half years for the sex to get boring? That’s not bad, considering you sound like the type who just lies there. Light your own damn fire, lady. It’s not his job to get you into it. If you want foreplay, initiate it yourself. Tell him what you want. Make an effort, and I have no doubt he’ll reciprocate.

I’m dating an older man. He’s sexy, funny, successful and charming, but recently he’s been having some erectile issues. He’s avoiding Viagra as a point of pride, but I know it would help. How do I convince him to use the little blue pill without hurting his feelings?

Yeah, been there. You might wanna suggest taking it together recreationally. That way, it becomes a kinky thing instead of a dysfunction thing. Most likely, you’ll only need to get him to try it once. After that, he’ll keep a bottle by the bedside table.