Dear Coquette,

A family friend used to molest me for years. I never said anything to my mom as I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me. Three of my friends who didn’t know one another had reported he had touched them, at three completely different times. My mom called all three of them liars, and would still ship me over to Uncle Perv’s house for unsupervised sleepovers for the weekend. It makes me sick to my stomach even typing this now, as it’s the first time I’ve even admitted to myself that this happened.

I’m in my late 20s now and have grown very distant from my family. Other than the obligatory phone call on birthdays and holidays, I avoid them at all costs.

My question is, do I tell my mom now? She is still close with this “uncle” figure. And, frankly, I don’t see how telling her will be a benefit. She can’t change the past and all it will do is make her potentially hate herself. I feel I am a well-adjusted adult, but I just want to completely cut all ties with my family so I never have to think about it again. 

You may be a well-adjusted adult, but that doesn’t mean you’re emotionally healthy. Your abuse is still very much an unresolved issue, and while you may have found methods of coping, you haven’t found any peace.

An emotionally healthy person wouldn’t want to cut all ties with her family to avoid processing her childhood sexual trauma. I’m sure you’ve got plenty of other reasons for avoiding your mom, but Uncle Perv shouldn’t have to be one of them.

It’s pretty clear your mother has a powerful mechanism for denial, and I think you’re afraid of it. I get the feeling that on some fundamental level, you very much want to tell your mother what happened, but you’re worried that her denial will allow her to somehow keep this man in her life.

In other words, you’re afraid that if you tell her, she’ll pick him over you.

Well, you’ve got to look past that. You can’t change what happened, but you can’t deny it either, and you’re not going to find any peace until you tell your mom the whole truth. She probably won’t handle it well, but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that you unburden yourself. This is for you, not her. You deserve to move past this.

Dear Coquette,

My father has agreed that I shouldn’t have to attend church if I don’t want to, but I should find another morally enriching pastime to take up my Sunday mornings to help appease my religious mother’s rage. Any suggestions of altruistic ways for this 18-year-old to spend her time?

Volunteer at a hospital. Serve at a soup kitchen. Become a big sister. Don’t do it to appease your mother’s sanctimonious rage. Do it because it’s a better use of your time.

Putting in actual work on behalf of those less fortunate than you is infinitely more righteous than wasting your Sunday in supplication to some imaginary dictator in the sky.

A very close friend of mine recently moved in with a woman he’s been on and off with for the past year. I really don’t like her. She bosses my friend around and insults his friends and family to their faces. I want to stay in my friend’s life, but it’s getting harder to hold my tongue around her and I’m afraid I’ll say something one day that will damage my friendship with him irreparably. Do I disappear before it gets messy, or can I do something to cope with her behavior? He’s made it very clear that they’re a package deal. I’m happy and in a relationship, so I don’t think jealousy is coloring this situation. I just hate to see him with someone that acts like such a manipulative, pretentious bitch.

Your friend has made his choice, and if he wants to move in with a bitch, he’ll have to suffer the consequences of alienating his friends and family. Maybe he’ll learn his lesson. Maybe he won’t. Either way, you’re not obligated to stick around and put up with the girlfriend’s negativity.

At the very least, you should let your friend know that things aren’t going to end well. Shoot him straight. Let him know how you feel. Tell him you’ll do your best to bite your tongue, but if you can’t, then you’ll have to make yourself scarce while she’s around.

Just remember, mouthing off to the girlfriend will get you nothing but a brief moment of satisfaction, and it will cripple your friendship as long as they’re together.

Why does cutting myself make me feel better? I don’t cut deep. Is it really that bad if it “centers” me when I’m at my worst?

Cutting doesn’t center you. It just sends a rush of endorphins through your system. All you’re doing is chasing a cheap high because you don’t have the coping skills to handle your emotions. Find a healthier way. Don’t rationalize self-harm.

Dear Coquette,

I’m a bisexual woman in a stable, long-term relationship with a man. He is very understanding and supportive of my sexuality, so much so that I’m free to be with women in whatever capacity I need. My problem is the guilt that comes with this freedom, and the worry that one day he will change his mind and that eating the proverbial cake will become the death of my relationship.

It would be different if my trysts with women were varied and unimportant, but they aren’t. There’s just one woman, and she’s been around longer than he has. She is, essentially, the Fermina Daza to my Florentino Ariza. I always have and always will pine for her, and if my man were to split, I would pursue her. I have been with other women, before and after starting my relationship with my boyfriend, but it always comes back to her. This doesn’t take away from what I have with him in the least, which makes choosing one over the other inconceivable.

She has been with only me and one other woman, and has come to the conclusion that I am the exception to her otherwise heterosexual preference. So my question is, do I keep satisfying my need for women with someone who is otherwise satisfied by men, and risk exhausting my boyfriend’s mellow attitude about the whole thing? Or am I being sexually selfish and have the responsibility to choose one gender over the other?

I don’t want to complicate the lives of two absolutely gorgeous and wonderful people just because they happen to be okay with the arrangement right now. But then again, perhaps my possibly unnecessary guilt is making me read too deeply into the situation and I should just calm down and accept them both. I’m lost in this.

You have embraced your bisexuality, and that’s great, but this isn’t about sex. You’re lost in this because it’s about intimacy and love, and you’re not quite comfortable with polyamory.

You feel guilty because an internal set of values is in conflict with an external set of circumstances. Specifically, you’re in an intimate relationship of romantic love with both a man and a woman at the same time, and on some fundamental level, your value system is telling you that such a thing is wrong.

It’s not wrong, though. You’re being open and honest with both of them, and your guilt seems to be arising from the nontraditional nature of the relationships rather than from any lack of integrity on your part. That’s a good thing, and that’s why a situation like this can work if you continue being open and honest not only with them, but also with yourself.

You see, this isn’t about choosing one gender over the other, and this doesn’t have to be about choosing one person over the other. This is merely about choosing a nontraditional set of values over traditional ones. Are you and your romantic partners all cool with that?

It sounds like your boyfriend and girlfriend are willing to share you with each other physically, but are they willing to share you emotionally? I bet they are, and if so, you should definitely calm down and accept them both. You’re already in a nontraditional arrangement as it is, so relax and enjoy it. After all, complex relationships are not the same thing as complicated ones.