Dear Coquette,

I’m scared of dying. I think about it every day, several times a day. I’ve had several people close to me pass away and ever since I’ve been ruminating about how life is so temporary, and how we are so little and insignificant, and every moment I’m away from the people I love is another moment lost without them. Even when I’m with them, I’m freaking out inside about how I need to hold on to each moment for dear life and it stops me from enjoying my time with them.

I can’t handle the unknown. People tell me “carpe diem,” but really the idea that I have to live life to the fullest scares me to death. The reality is I can’t live life to the fullest. I have to make money to support myself and so on; I don’t have the chance to go skydiving and backpacking and such.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t live my life in fear every day. I would rather die and have it over with than go through every moment with that tight feeling in my chest, knowing that nothing will last. I’m not sure what I’m asking of you — maybe for some inspiration, but more likely for a good kick in the ass to snap me back into reality.

I’d be happy to give you a good kick in the ass, but I doubt it would do much for your anxiety disorder. There’s not much I can say, either. You’re gonna die. We all are. Sorry, dude.

One day, you will exhale your last breath, your heart will stop beating, and your consciousness will simply cease to exist. It all ends for every last one of us, but that’s no excuse to freak out. In fact, your goal in life should be to embrace your fleeting insignificance. Allow it to become a source of freedom, not a source of dread.

If that seems impossible, it’s because your mind is too busy reeling at the idea of an unknowable future, one that you inevitably aren’t living to the fullest. Even carpe diem is a prompt for your anxiety. Thing is, you’re missing the point. Seizing the day isn’t some goal-oriented, skydiving-and-backpacking sort of thing. The wisdom lies in recognizing that the only time you’ll ever have is right now. It’s about being present in the moment, wherever you are, regardless of the circumstances.

In fact, that’s the rest of the quotation. Carpe diem quam minime credula postero. It means “Seize the day, believing as little as possible in the future.” Did you catch that? Believing as little as possible in the future. Horace knew what he was talking about.

You are believing way too much in the future. You’re constantly up in your head about it, and yet none of that stuff in your head is real. That vast and scary unknown? It doesn’t really exist. The future is an invention of your mind, one that is paralyzing you. It’s all just useless anxiety fodder that fills your heart with ice water and turns your spine to glass.

When the fear hits, you gotta push past that mess. Remind yourself that it’s not real. Believe as little as possible in the future. Focus on the here and now, and let go of the rest. Just let it all go, and allow yourself to be present in the moment.

This is easier said than done, I know, but it’s worth the effort. You can try breathing exercises, meditation, maybe even a shrink to whack you with a few milligrams of Xanax. But at the end of the day, you’re the one who has to find freedom in your fleeting insignificance.

Good luck.

Dear Coquette,

I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful man. After a string of unhealthy and abusive relationships, I finally got my act together enough to quit seeking sadists and take up with a total package man who is smart, hot and incredibly good to me. What we have is the real thing. I don’t want to screw it up, for my sake and for my son’s sake, who the wonderful man is now being a wonderful dad.

But despite a ton of therapy and hard work, my self-destructive tendencies aren’t gone for good. I’ve been cheating on him with a jerk from my past. There’s no good reason to do it. The sex isn’t very good, he treats me terribly, and I know if I continue to mess around with him I’ll lose the wonderful man in my life. I’m sure of it. 

I’m self-aware enough to know that this is a facet of my psychology that gets off on the betrayal and deceit of cheating. And no, it’s no coincidence that I’m cheating on the man of my dreams with a sleazebag who feeds my self-loathing. My therapist’s best advice is to just not give in, to take it one day at a time, and just say no. And that works just fine, until it doesn’t. As soon as he presses to see me a little, I cave. It’s like I just can’t wait to go back for more abuse.

How the hell can I force myself to stop this horrible behavior before it destroys my life and the lives of the two people I love most? I already know what I need to do. What I need from you is something, anything to help me succeed.  

Take it one day at a time and just say no? Your shrink sounds like Nancy Reagan at an AA meeting. Success isn’t not giving in. Success is not having anything to give in to. This isn’t about saying no. This is about not getting off on sleazebags in the first place.  

Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’ve gotten your act together. You’ve only learned how to play house. You are still damaged goods. You know it, I know it, and all the sleazebags sure as hell know it. You may be intelligent and self-aware, but that’s no cure for your flavor of crazy. Your intelligence merely allows for more complicated means of self-sabotage, and your self-awareness merely prepares you for the inevitable disasters.

Come on, girl. Just because therapy got you to stop looking for sadists, that doesn’t mean you’re cured of masochism. All that introspection just armed you with the ability to mask the same self destructive tendencies you’ve always had. Your therapist calls it progress because that’s what he’s trained to do, but you’re still a hot mess.

Sure, you’ve come a long way now that you’ve landed a guy who treats you with respect and looks after your little boy, but that’s all window dressing until your partner knows your whole heart. Unfortunately, you’d never show him, because you’re terrified that he’d run screaming for the hills. 

Well, guess what? He won’t. Just because you want to run screaming from yourself, that doesn’t mean the people in your life feel the same way. He’ll stick by your side, but you have to be brave enough to let him.

If this is the man you’re going to marry, then you have to share yourself completely. I’m not suggesting you confess your infidelity. You shouldn’t, not yet anyway. Confession isn’t the same thing as baring your soul, and showing him what you’re capable of doing isn’t the same thing as telling him what you’ve done.

Until you really dig deep and entrust your fiance with all the dark and sticky parts of yourself, you’ll never believe in the kind of love that he gives you. Of course, that’s your real problem. You’ve felt worthless all your life. You still do, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary. So much of your identity is still tied up in hating yourself that you act out in ways that you know damn well may ruin your life.

Quit it. There’s no excuse. Enough with all the psychological Band-Aids. Success is finally realizing that you’re an amazing woman who deserves the love that you’re getting in your healthy relationship. Once you finally feel worthy of that love, the thought of betraying it with some sleazebag will seem repugnant.

Dear Coquette,

My long-distance boyfriend’s grandfather just passed away.

The funeral will be this weekend and is located about three hours away from where I currently live. He will be there for it. I do not have plans to see him again for two more months, at which time I am supposed to be moving in with him. I volunteered to come and be supportive and yes, get to see him briefly. He apparently asked his mom if I could stay with them for the weekend and was denied by her saying it should only be family. He told me not to come.

I had mentioned beforehand that I did not have to stay the weekend, and in fact, could only come for the day, but that was not discussed as an option by him.

I feel kind of like a bitch for being a little upset about this. However, we are both in our 20s and we are pre-engaged (as in, we went shopping for an engagement ring a little bit ago). I feel like that should result in me being treated like more than the casual slut he is screwing by his mother. He could have at least tried to persuade her. I still get though that it is an awkward situation and I don’t want to intrude on their family time. I don’t get how that means I can’t even come up for a few hours to have dinner or something.

Is this even a question? I don’t know anymore. Help.

No, this is not a question. Let’s just pretend you were venting. That way, I won’t skewer you for being a thoughtless, self-centered little twit.

If you had any class and grace at all, you’d offer your condolences and shut the hell up. His parents are dealing with the loss of a father. They are going through an extraordinarily difficult time, and you don’t need to be adding even the slightest bit of static to the situation.

Don’t for one second make this about your needs or your ego. In no way should you expect him to try and persuade his mother of anything right now. You have no business expecting an invitation, much less inviting yourself. You are not part of the family, and at this rate, I doubt you ever will be. 

That’s right, kiddo. Pre-engaged? If only you knew how ridiculous that sounded. You aren’t pre-engaged. You’re in a frighteningly insecure long-distance relationship with a mama’s boy who took you to the jewelry store at the mall one time just to shut you up.

Take this whole situation as a massive clue. Your boyfriend’s mother doesn’t know about you, or she doesn’t like you. Either way, you are grossly overestimating the status of your relationship, and if you don’t back the hell off both your boyfriend and his family, I guarantee that ring is never gonna make it on your finger. 

Be cool, and quit assuming that your self-proclaimed pre-engagement entitles you to squat.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

OK, so I love this guy. We have tried dating, but I went crazy on him. More than once. Now he refuses to date me but still insists on hanging out and telling me that he cares and wants me in his life. My friends say he’s a jerk and that I should move on. I simply can’t! Whats a crazy girl to do?!

This right here is the reason I should start my own consulting firm with the mission of helping bitches turn crazy into wild. I’d call it Booze & Company, and I’d bill by the hour.

Seriously, girl. If I knew the flavor of crazy you unleashed on him, I could whip up the antidote in no time. In lieu of knowing just how nutter-butters you really are, let me just give you some generic advice.

The relationship started as a romantic one, and it will continue to exist as a romantic one. That means you can afford to stop getting caught up in the labels. Dating. Not Dating. It’s complicated. Who cares?

The Facebook status of your relationship is far less important than the foundation upon which it is established. You need to take a step back and recognize that you’re still in what amounts to a prolonged, awkward negotiation phase over the terms of the relationship.

Your negotiating position is significantly weakened by all the crazypants you’ve been wearing, but he still cares. He still wants you in his life. If you pull it together, you can still salvage things.

Now, my guess is whatever whack-job thing you did to freak him out was the result of garden variety jealousy based on even more garden variety insecurity on your part. You love this guy, after all. It scares the hell out of you, and as a result, you get a little tweaked.

Well, at the end of the day, this has to become an exercise in embracing your vulnerability. Your vulnerability is the dark and sticky part that terrifies you, and if you want this to work, you’re gonna have to get all warm and cozy with whatever it is at your core that brings out the batshit. After all, batshit is just a couple ingredients away from gunpowder, and if you know how to handle it, you can take over the world.

Embracing your vulnerability is the extra ingredient you need right now to turn the part of you that’s a weakness into the part of you that’s powerful. Coming to terms with your underlying insecurity is the difference between crazy and wild. It’s what turns a jealous nature into an adventurous one.

Thing is, I can’t really tell you how to do that. It’s for you to figure out. One thing to keep in mind, though. This relationship isn’t going to last forever. It will putter along for a while, and you guys may even be quite happy for a time, but this isn’t gonna be the guy you marry or anything.

I’m not saying that to be mean. I’m only saying that to add a little perspective to the proceedings, because ultimately, the goal here should be for you to embrace your vulnerability for your own sake, not for his.

Good luck, babe. I hope you turn that crazy into wild.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.