For many months I have had trouble getting wet with my sexy and all around 5 star boyfriend. Once we tried some KY lube and it severely burned me and my partner’s genitals. What the fuck? It was bullshit! I think lube would help us a lot but I haven’t been inspired to shop around for any since that incident. Why did that happen, and what product can I trust?

You probably used KY Intense or Kissable Sensations or some other bullshit grocery store product line that tries to convince you that a mild chemical burn is a “warming and tingling sensation.” Fuck that.

If you insist on buying your lube from the same place you buy your beer, go with the basics. Just get Astroglide or KY Liquid. Don’t get distracted by colorful packaging, and never buy anything with warming, cooling, tingling, or flavored on the label.

I’ve recommended it before, but if you want the good stuff, there’s still no better brand than Sliquid. My personal favorite has always been Sliquid Silk.

So here’s the deal coketalk. I’ve slept with two guys in the same flat in the course of a few months. They were both just casual sex and its not awkward at all between anyone. We’re in dorms and so I see these guys pretty often at predrinks and such. The thing is, one of the girls attending these predrinks gets to be quite a loud-mouth when she’s drunk and always says inappropriate things in front of everyone like asking who was better/bigger etc. making an awkward situation. She’s always talking about sex when she’s drunk and its just sort of the way she is, I don’t think she can help it. Plus I think if I confronted her one-on-one she’d just somehow manipulate what I said when telling all her girl friends and just create bigger problems. How do I play it off in front of everyone without showing embarrassment?

Own that shit. You have no reason to feel embarrassed, so don’t. If you can’t help but feel embarrassment, own that shit too. Don’t try and play it off. Acknowledge it.

Awkwardness only happens when people are trying to pretend there’s not an elephant in the room. Fuck that shit. Point at it and laugh, because I promise you, there is no hiding it.

Just shake your head and tell the dumb bitch to handle her liquor. You don’t have to be confrontational, and you don’t have to be mean. In fact, the cooler the better.

Remind her that nobody likes the loud-mouth drunk girl at the party. Call her out on her tacky behavior. Make it about her.

This is me, being vulnerable.  I’ve been dating this guys for around 6 months now—never been closer to someone faster, never fallen so effortlessly into a relationship.  He’s great, if a little needy at times.

So here’s the thing.  During a very long, relationship-y talk, he let it slip/hinted that he was sexually abused as a child.  Awful and incomprehensible.  And I checked (read: googled) around, and it explains a lot of mysterious problems—like his inability to orgasm but huge sexual drive.  I don’t know when, I don’t know who, and I don’t know how much.  All I know is that I want to be there for him and also that it absolutely terrifies me to take on that kind of emotional baggage so soon into a relationship.  So what do you think…is this a dealbreaker?  Am I just running scared from something real?

p.s. Just recently moved to LA and you’re helping me hate it less.

Welcome to LA. Try thinking of it as the first class cabin where the overhead compartments are a bit roomier. They have to be, because we’re all carrying a little extra emotional baggage on this flight.

Your new boyfriend’s childhood trauma isn’t anything to fear. There’s no need for something like this to be a dealbreaker, but it is something to take seriously. Don’t try and armchair psych this kind of situation. The last thing you should be doing is using google as a diagnostic manual.

In other words, his inability to orgasm isn’t necessarily a direct result of his past sexual abuse. It might be, but it might just as well be something else altogether. Leave that kind of shit to the pros. Be his romantic partner, not his shrink.

Don’t scapegoat his childhood trauma by attributing it to every little relationship problem. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Don’t be there for him. Be there with him.

LA Hotels: Where would Coketalk recommend that a young couple that likes to party and is looking for a little trouble stay during a weekend in LA? Looking for something nice and a little permissive, but not too sketch, we’re thinking a couple of late-nights, not all-nighters. Cost isn’t really an issue, I’ve learned nice hotels are usually worth the money if you are short on time and in a new city.

Cost isn’t an issue? A bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. Duh.

My father hired a private investigator in order to prevent me from being with the man with whom I am in love because our relationship violates social norms. I’m not a minor, but I am financially dependent on my father. I don’t want to comply but he is paying for my tuition and literally everything else in my life. I don’t know how I could survive without his income, but I know there are ways and I am willing to do what it takes. My boyfriend thinks I should hang in there until I graduate even if it means we can’t see each other for over a year. I would most likely have to give up literally every material possession I own and  my continuing education but I would rather that than let myself be treated this way. Coke Talk, I feel violated and cornered and if this were a therapy session, I would tell you how fucking pissed I am for being unable to protect myself. Instead I want to ask you what you think. Does enduring the current injustices make me a spineless child or is it the smarter choice considering what I would be giving up?

So daddy’s little drama queen is dating outside her race again?

Sorry, princess. You won’t get any sympathy from me by whining about your insulated notions of injustice on MLK Day. You haven’t had to endure shit yet, but don’t worry. You will.

You’ve got an ugly choice to make. Fall in line or tell the money faucet to go fuck himself. It’s entirely up to you.

You’re gonna have to walk away from young love and harden up from the inside out, or you’re gonna have to walk away from financial stability and harden up from the outside in. Either way, your spineless childhood is coming to an end.

Make a conscious choice. Accept the consequences. That’s what adults do.

There is no right or wrong here, by the way. Not really. Romantic twits and heartless pragmatists would disagree, but the only wrong way to handle this would be to ignore the choice and let others decide on your behalf. That’s what children do.

Good luck with whichever way you go.

I don’t get how someone as smart as you fell in the Assange/wikileaks trap. He’s obviously made up. You think there is someone so powerful as to manage to put secret documents online and governments can’t find a way to shut it down?

There is too much fuss about it. He’s too charismatic. And I didn’t need wikileaks to know the kind of stuff that they revealed. They revealed nothing too shocking or too compromising.

You know what? They build it. They created it. Wikileaks will only help keep the masses undercontrol.

The truth has always been there. In front of us for most to deny it and few to accept it.

I assume you read 1984. Well, don’t you see it? There you have your own government-invented Goldstein, just a bit more attractive, right to be at pace with the contemporary age.

Paranoid conspiracy theories are on par with all the other grandiose delusions that manage to put your otherwise insignificant ego at the center of some vast and organized plan. At the end of the day, a dystopian vision is just as self-serving as a utopian one.

Sorry, Mr. Crazypants. There is no “they” just like there is no god.

Just take your meds, and please don’t buy a gun.

Girl, you opened comments! That is wonderful 🙂

Yes! It’s probably something I should have done a long time ago, but after the site got a makeover last month, I finally figured out Disqus, and I’m really looking forward to reading what everybody has to say.

Fair warning, I will be moderating comments.

Feel free to talk all the shit you want, but to make sure things stay copacetic, every comment has to be at least one of three things: intelligent, respectful, or entertaining.

If your comments aren’t intelligent, they’d better be entertaining or respectful.

If your comments aren’t respectful, they’d better be intelligent or entertaining.

If your comments aren’t entertaining, they’d better be respectful or intelligent.

We’ll call it the IRE test. (Yeah, I just invented a cheesy new acronym.) Any comment that fails on all three counts may be deleted, but don’t worry, I’ve got a thick skin and a brutal sense of humor.

This should be fun.

My boyfriend and I have been together since we were teenagers. We were each other’s first everything, etc, etc. Recently, he expressed some regret that he’d never had the opportunity to experiment with different people. I told him that I would be perfectly comfortable with him going out and fucking some hot people as long as he came home and told me about it while he fucked me. Am I inserting myself in a fantasy where I’m not welcome?

You’re definitely inserting yourself into a fantasy, but just because you weren’t invited that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome.

Besides, requiring that he come home and give you all the juicy details while fucking you is a small price to pay for his hall pass. If you really are that cool, he should respect your desire to make it a shared experience.

Now, what about you? Are you ever gonna have a hankering for some strange dick? If and when that happens, will your boyfriend extend you the same courtesy you’re extending to him? You might want to find out now before putting yourself in a position for him to later say no where you already said yes.

That shit could get sticky.

I was pretty surprised to read (on the coquette) that you’re such a fan of fake breasts. Do you have fake tits too? Don’t you think it’s a bit…tacky? Trashy? For someone who seems to advocate being as real as possible with people, what is the appeal of bolted on plastic boobs? I just don’t see the point. They feel awful (I’ve groped a few myself), and to me it just screams “I have no self confidence and am desperate for attention from men”. So, what are your opinions on fake tits, or plastic surgery in general if you like?

What if I told you my friend was getting reconstructive implants after a mastectomy due to breast cancer? What if I told you she was getting a mommy makeover breast lift to restore their original shape? What if I told you she was a Vegas stripper who could earn more money with double D’s?

Each of those examples represent a close friend of mine who got her tits done. They are all beautiful and intelligent women brimming with self-confidence and self-respect.

I’m not a fan of fake breasts, asshole. I’m a fan of the raddest bitches in the universe who make informed decisions to get their tits done. If the women you know with fake tits are tacky and trashy, that’s on you.

Tacky and trashy are value judgments, and frankly, your assumption that a woman’s decision to augment her breast is inherently tied to male attention says more about you than anything else.

With your skanky brand of gender politics, of course you don’t see the point. Fuck you for even suggesting that it has anything to do with what you like to grope.

As a result of heavy drinking, my partner, best friend, and I ended up having a threesome. The three of us had joked about having one a few months past, but nothing came out of it. Given the heavy drinking involved, a lot of things got blurred.

To get to the point:
A week later, I found out my best friend feels that they were violated by my partner during the act. I’m not looking for a lecture on how the three of us entered this wrong. Trust me, sober me knows we missed some vital steps in ensuring everyone had a healthy good time.

I’m in over my head as to how to handle this. How do I support my friend and to what end? To what extent should I accept responsibility for this happening? I was the one who suggested it, and I should have been sober enough to monitor and make sure everything was consensual throughout. Do I tell my partner?  I’m also worried that, being implicated in the act, I can’t help my best friend through this.

Please help.

Sincerely,
I Royally Fucked Up

I have no idea if this scenario is three dudes, three chicks, or just a good old fashioned two-on-one mix. You’ve gone out of your way not to give away anyone’s gender, which leads me to believe gender is of some unusual significance in your situation.

Maybe your best friend was violated. Then again, maybe your best friend is merely expressing guilt and regret for sexual experimentation. I don’t know, but you need to figure it out.

You were there. Sure, everyone was fucked up, but did your partner violate your best friend? This can’t be about picking sides. It has to be about all three of you getting on the same page about what exactly happened, and if a line was crossed, you have to see this thing through all the way to apologies and acceptance. Even if a line wasn’t crossed, you still have to sort out the underlying emotional issues with your best friend.

Don’t cover this up. Don’t ignore the situation and hope it goes away. You have to get this shit aired out, and since you seem to be at the top of this triangle, it’s gonna fall on you to deal with it.