I bought myself a new vibrator. How do I responsibly dispose of my old one?
It’s a fucking vibrator, not a spent fuel rod from a nuclear reactor. Just throw the damn thing away.

I’m becoming the person my younger self would lols at.  And I’m completely fine w/ that.  Am I growing up, or just giving up?
Growing up. (And you’ve got a long way to go.)

In a weird series of events, I found out my boyfriend’s old fling had an abortion. He doesn’t know. He’s religious and it would upset him. I’m allowed to keep this secret to my grave? Yes?
Definitely, yes. (It’s really not your place to tell him.)

Do people have an obligation towards the country they were born in?
Fuck no.

What does “I want to be with you, I’m 100% committed to this relationship, and if you asked me to marry you I would say yes, but a wedding is a whole big thing” mean? I kind of feel shitty for wanting to get married, now.
Quit feeling shitty. (That’s one of your most annoying personality traits.) Your potential fiancé is rightfully terrified of having to plan and pay for a wedding. You obviously have no idea how stressful and expensive that shit really is.

Relationships are difficult and don’t work out, what’s the point?
Relationships are the point. They’re all we’ve got. Quit whining and get back out there.

I’m in my mid-20s and may have just fallen in love for the first time. I have no idea if I am. My palms are sweaty, I want to cry and laugh thinking about him, my heart races I get dizzy. We connect on so many levels, and I don’t think love = marriage but I’m too scared to even tell him. Is this something THE ice queen Coke has felt?
Many, many times. Enjoy it. That shit is the best drug on the planet.

How do you deal with being fucking tired of smiling and nodding, though? Like, I don’t put up with blatant disrespect in my personal life but I still have to bobblehead so much to get by that it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. Does it get easier as you get older?
It’s not that it gets easier. It’s that you just don’t have to do it as often.

Why has tumblr become so horrible?
Because I got kicked off it. Duh.

Whats the difference between embracing your vulnerability and being a total wimp?
Those two things are completely unrelated. I think maybe you’re categorically misunderstanding what it means to embrace your vulnerability. (Embracing does not mean expressing, and vulnerability does not mean weakness.)

What do you think of the group harm theory of prostitution? That prostitution can never be ok because it subjugates women as a group?
Prostitution doesn’t subjugate women. Prostitution can certainly be a result of subjugation, but in a patriarchal society, the actual source of that subjugation is inevitably something more insidious such as oppression, poverty, abuse, addiction, or in more extreme cases, outright sexual slavery.

What do you do when, after you fuck your best friend, you notice it seems like they’re pushing you away?
If your best friend is pushing you away, step back quickly, wait for them to lose their balance and fall over, then help pick them up. (If they don’t fall over when you step back, too bad. That’s what you get for fucking your best friend. Go find a new one.)

I need a reason to get out of the house every day. Should I get a lame job?
If you don’t need the money, skip the lame job and volunteer instead.

Why does it bother me so much that I never confronted my shitty ex about the way he treated me?
Because you still give a shit about what he thinks of you.

He’s hot, but he’s a cop. Should I go on a date with him? Should I fuck him? It’s silly, but I’m honestly torn.
Don’t fuck the police. Fuck the police.

Why is sex always something a man has to win from me? Why is it wrong when I give it because I want to?
It isn’t, and it isn’t.

Life just seems meaningless. I am not deriving joy from the things I used to. Doing nothing at all seems better than anything.
Life is meaningless. Now quit whining and go try something new.

I worry that I will never feel I’ve lived enough.
You never will. (One life ain’t enough, but it’s all you get. Sorry.)

What if a democrat isn’t elected?
America will double down on its perpetual state of war, the wealth gap will widen, and perhaps worst of all, the Supreme Court will get filled up with a supermajority of regressive right-wing corporate stooges who will fuck up the country for the next quarter century.

What made you decide to own a gun?
I was a victim of gun violence, and for a while, handguns and gunshots were triggers for some pretty serious PTSD symptoms. Becoming a gun owner and learning how to shoot had significant therapeutic value for me. It still does. I suppose there’s also some symbolic value as well, but I would never be so thick-headed as to suggest that I own a gun for “protection.” People who repeat that absurd cliché are such delusional fucking idiots.

We’ve been dating for 4 years. He wants to get married in another two years, I wanted to have been married like yesterday. It feels shitty to give in to his timeline of events and yet – if we both agree on the end goal – why can’t I just be happy and enjoy the wait?
Because deep down you know damn well he’s just stringing you along. (I mean, come on. Is there even a ring on your finger? I didn’t think so.) If he wanted to be married to you, he would be married to you. Clearly, he doesn’t. Hell, it doesn’t even seem like he wants to be engaged to you, so unless there’s some super obvious reason for waiting two years, you should really consider the possibility that he’s only agreeing to marriage on some far-off, theoretical horizon just to shut you up.

I thought I was fine, but he found someone else and now I’m losing my shit. I’ve been with a few dudes since him but haven’t been able to catch any feelings. How do I poise myself against something that unexpectedly hurts like hell all over again?
Yeah, you gotta let it hurt. Fresh pain after your ex falls for someone else is a pretty standard breakup aftershock. Learn to expect that shit, especially if they catch feelings first.

Will going back home ever not make me feel like I’m suffocating?
Maybe, but you’ll have to make yourself a new home before going back to the old one doesn’t suffocate you anymore.

Why does it bug me so much when guys call me a tease?
Because not only are they implying that you use your sexuality as currency, they’re also suggesting that they’re owed some of it.

He said he loved me. Then he left. What to do?
Have some breakfast.

Why do I measure my self worth by the quality of men that I date?
Because you live by an unspoken rule that the value of a woman is determined by men.

Your ego has fooled you into believing that you can sometimes kill it.
No. My ego fools itself into believing that I exist in the first place.

Maybe it’s way too early to ask…but you might get to it later. How do you feel about Trevor Noah?
It’s different, but it’s working.

The girls at the MAC counter were rude to me. What would coketalk do?
I would teach them a hard lesson about which side of the counter they were on. (The Catch-22 is that they aren’t rude to the kind of people who know how to teach them that lesson.)

I am planning on having sex. I love the guy. I don’t know if he loves me. We might break up soon. I am not doing it to save my relationship. But I would like to have sex with someone special to me for my first time. And I know if we end, I’ll have loads of sex with other men. Views?
Yeah, okay. Be safe.

What is your perfume/fragrance of choice lately?
At the moment, I’m kinda into Cinema by Yves Saint Laurent.

Why do so many working class white people in rural areas vote against their best interests?
Because they’ve been institutionally conditioned to use their vote as a means of justifying their belief system rather than protecting their interests.

Do you also feel like punching all the social media accounts in the world that perpetuate the nonsensical shit term “on fleek”?
Violently, but don’t worry. “On fleek” is well past its saturation point. It will be gone by the holidays.

Are you as fucking sick of this “Cool” Pope shit as I am? Congratulations your organization advanced into the early 20th century.
Meh. I don’t mind the cool pope. I mean sure, the Catholic Church is a grotesquely evil institution that spreads ignorance and fear throughout the globe, but as long as we gotta have a pope, I’d rather him be a progressive liberal. (Relatively, of course.)

Can you help me articulate why I feel blinding anger when, after doing something unprofessional and shitty, my boss apologizes and says, “Are we cool?” and if I don’t say “Yes,” he pouts? What is the exact phrase for the manipulative bullshit he is pulling?
He’s not apologizing. He’s trying excuse himself, and he’s demanding your complicity. Real apologies don’t come with emotional strings attached.

I said I wanted to be the one called instead of doing the calling. He said he’d call. He hasn’t. Do I call, which feels like caving, or do I read the subtext and let it go, which feels like giving up?
Take the fucking hint.

You mentioned that Bernie Sanders has a legitimate chance of winning the White House. Do you think the same is true for Trump? Does this worry you at all?
No. Bush is gonna win the Republican nomination.

Why the fuck are Republicans so determined to shut down Planned Parenthood anyway? Do they not understand that they’re alienating even their own voting base? Are they seriously so anti-women that they want to keep us from getting cancer screenings? What could they possibly gain from this?
They’re not alienating their base. They’re catering to it. America is full of selfish, bible-banging halfwits who genuinely believe that defunding Planned Parenthood is a righteous cause.

What do you think about the niqab?
Well, it’s certainly not for me, and I don’t recommend it for tanning.

Is your ego really dead?
No, but I kill it whenever I can.

How can I stop being bitter when the world is full of such shitty things?
You don’t have to fill yourself with the shitty things.

Why am I so afraid to be mad at my boyfriend?
You are mad at him. You’re afraid of something else.

I had sex with a sleazy guy in the bathroom at a party 10 minutes after meeting him. It didn’t hurt anyone, so why do I feel so shitty about it?
Because that’s what you’ve been programmed to feel.

Do you get better at choosing people as you go on? This year’s been full of getting burned by people I trusted.
You only get better at it if you actually change how you choose them.

I’m terrified of taking medication for depression because I’m afraid that I won’t ever be able to do without it. Is that a thing that can happen? I can’t ask a doctor, I really don’t think they’d be honest with me.
Okay, but you can ask a doctor. You should, actually. If possible, ask more than one, and don’t be afraid to ask direct questions. They’re not gonna lie to you. (I appreciate that you trust me, but don’t let your anxiety prevent you from getting the treatment that you need.)

I miss him so much that I cry myself into a half-sleep every night. But it’s been a month since we broke up, and I have shit to do. How can I speed up the process?
You can’t, but that’s no excuse not to get your shit done.

Is refusing to shower a justifiable reason for ending a friendship? His whole house smells like his feet but all my other friends adore him.
It’s a justifiable reason to not go over to his house. If that ends the friendship, it’s not on you.

What does it mean when a guy doesn’t want to get into a relationship with you because he doesn’t want to disappoint you?
It means he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

What happens when everything is on point but the attraction?
Friendship. (Or disaster.)

What do you prefer to be called when you’re a domme?
You assume I even give permission to speak.

My boyfriend is part of said “ever-growing man-child demographic.” Can they ever become men?
What would be the point?

I have my first counseling session tomorrow and I’m nervous. I’m terrified of being judged for my issues and criticized for my choices. I’m sure everything will go smoothly, and this is just my anxiety talking, but today and tomorrow are going to be a struggle. <3
Your counselor isn’t gonna judge or criticize you for your choices. That’s kind of the whole idea. (It’s fine to be nervous at first, but you’re really gonna enjoy the counselor/client relationship.)

I recently just got into my first same sex relationship. Right now, I’m dealing with a lot of my family members who aren’t comfortable with it, because they’re using my facebook profile to determine my sexuality and then ‘rat’ me out to the rest of the family. Is there a way to deal with this without being an asshat?
Block the shit out of them.

I broke up with him. I didn’t waiver. I broke my own fucking heart in the process but I didn’t expect this much pain. What now?
Feel the pain and move on.

I’m having a tough time finding a smart dude who’s masculine enough for me.  I also sort of feel like a shithead for having masculinity on my radar at all. What’s up? Are these just daddy issues talking?
I dunno what your dad was like, and I dunno how you define masculinity, but if you’re finding it to be mutually exclusive with intelligence, then there’s definitely an issue somewhere.

I think I’m in love. Why am I crying?
Sorry to break it to you, but crying is a big part of being in love.

why does it bother me so much that my boyfriend thinks Mike Tyson is innocent?
Because if you were raped, all it would take for your boyfriend not to believe you is for your rapist to be someone famous.

The major I’m pursuing in college is an individualized study, meaning I can essentially create my own major. My question for you: what would coquette do?
I would create a Bachelor of Science in Morality. The major would be a mix of traditional philosophy, psychology, sociology, and ethics courses with a little bit of comparative religion tossed in for seasoning. At the upper level of independent study, I’d design a curriculum and subsequent thesis that resulted in some kind of original contribution to the field of moral science.

Is it patronizing to buy a friend’s art if you think it’s really good but are mainly doing it because they’re struggling financially and would never accept help?
You just described exactly what it means to be a patron. So yeah, it’s literally patronizing, but that’s really not a bad thing in this context.

I’m so fucking sick of Star Wars everything. Why won’t it go away?
Because a few years ago, Disney bet George Lucas that they could squeeze at least four more billion dollars out of America’s ever-growing man-child demographic.

Should I buy a bag that cost two months of my rent? I saved up for it and it’s my 35th birthday, but it seems wrong.
Maybe hold on to your money for now. Maybe knowing that you *could* own the bag brings you more joy than actually owning it. Maybe it goes on sale and maybe you treat yourself, or maybe you spend the money in some other way that finally feels right. Whatever you end up doing, happy fucking birthday.

What do you think about the porn kills love movement? (Pornkillslove.com) I feel like I disagree, I am a woman who likes watching porn and I know my boyfriend does also and we have a very loving relationship.
No, no. “Porn Kills Love” is not a movement. It’s just a bunch of slightly creepy yet freshly scrubbed Mormon kids who found a clever way to squeeze tax deductible donations out of every pearl-clutching PTA mom from here to Salt Lake City. At most, it’ll become suburbia’s next annoying bumper sticker, and you really needn’t waste your time disagreeing with things you read on minivans.

Self respect is important. But to what extent is it important to gain respect from others? Should I care? I don’t mean to sound shitty. I say this because I knew this girl who I always wanted to gain respect from. Her opinion mattered to me, I’m starting to wonder why it did and whether it should have.
You didn’t want that girl’s respect. You wanted her approval. (Not understanding the difference is why you never had her respect.)

Sometimes I think you’re a product and consumer of the system as much as anyone is.
Of course I am. Just because I understand systems theory, that doesn’t mean I’ve transcended the system. I enjoy air conditioning, steak, and premium channels way too much to be any kind of counterculture drop-out.

At what point, if any, is it okay/right/appropriate/required to tell a new partner that you were raped a few years ago? Honest by nature, but also terrified of opening up.
It’s never required. It’s okay if you want to, and it’s okay if you don’t. Appropriateness depends on the context. It’s perfectly appropriate to tell your new partner in the natural course of growing intimate, but it might be inappropriate if you use it as some sort of relationship test. In your case, maybe wait until you’re not so terrified. A little anxiety is normal, but too much might mean it’s too soon to share.

Why do I absolutely hate the fact that my best friend stays friends with all of her exes? It makes my blood boil and I don’t know why.
If I had to guess, it’s probably a manifestation of your resentment over having to put up with her bullshit during the break-ups.

Please tell me you watch Mr. Robot.
I’m saving it for a binge.

Is it tacky for a man in his 30s to wear an apple watch?
Presently, yes. (It’s impossible not to look like an asshole while wearing a little blank screen on your wrist, so until the Apple Watch has “always on” capability that is both subtle and handsome, it’s pretty much a hot piece of garbage.)

Business is starting to boom. How do I know when it’s time to switch to a burner phone?
Too late. Have the burner in place *before* you start doing business, and never do business on a phone that’s in your own name. Now go start from scratch with two new numbers.

What is it about having babies that makes intelligent people suddenly start talking exclusively in clichés and platitudes?
They’re high on oxytocin and sleep deprived. Don’t worry. It usually wears off in a year or two.

the more time passes that frank ocean doesn’t release anything, the more pressure he puts on himself to make sure the albums “perfect” and the less likely he is to release anything…..please say it isn’t so. do you think he’s just being a dick by not saying anything? Im asking you because you are like a pencil sharpener of pop culture and public relations savvy (not to mention psychology and partying). We are the pencils I guess LOVE YOU
As in all things, not releasing can be more exquisite than the release. Let that be your lesson.

Is Donald Trump as terrifying as he seems?
Nah, Trump is a clown. It’s the people who would vote for him that are terrifying.

Is it possible to ask for more communication and/or more time together in a relationship while still remaining casual?
Yes. Ask for what you want. Know what it is and be specific, but just fucking ask.

Is it acceptable to be more attracted to one race than to others?
Not when you make it about race. (Cultural conditioning affects what you find attractive. It’s not your fault that your attraction is conditioned by hegemonic beauty standards, but you should recognize how those standards play an insidious role in systemic racism.)

Chère Coquette, I’m 40 years old, divorced 5 years ago and just starting to feel better after a long grief of having become a broken family (fuck you, ex-husband) and a depression related to this event. I have an amazing 11 years old daughter, I love my job and own a great apartment in the coolest part of Montreal. Why do I feel stalled, stuck and unable to start the next chapter of my life?
Because you still feel the need to say “fuck you” to your ex husband.

Do you have any advice on how to write college app essays when you feel completely uninspired by the prompts? Btw, thanks for everything Coquette. You answered an ask of mine once when I was in middle school, feels like it’s sort of come full circle <3
Write *around* the prompts. Just pour yourself into the essay. Having a clear voice is more important than following the letter of the question.

PLEASE comment on the raid of Rentboy.com’s headquarters. From your perspective, what was the real motive behind it?
Motive? Please. The entire Department of Homeland Security is bored and stupid. They literally have nothing better to do.