Nothing pulls at me. I have a great self-care routine, generally have my shit together, and I have good friends, but I feel like my life is still characterized by fleeing pain and loneliness at a low level. It’s been this way for years. What now?
If nothing pulls at you, go push on a few things until something moves. (And for the record, fleeting pain and loneliness at a low level is a fairly normal resting existential state. There’s nothing wrong with you at all.)

Do you think people have to learn to be by themselves (i.e. Happy and content being single) before getting in a healthy non-codependent relationship?
It’s not that people have to learn to be by themselves. It’s that people simply need to learn to be themselves. Being single isn’t the important part. The important part is being health and happy as an individual whether or not you’re single. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s critical to healthy relationships.

If you could implement any single policy through the US legislature with the guarantee that it would go through, what would that be?
If I only get one, it would be a massive campaign finance, lobbying, and redistricting reform package via Constitutional Amendment with a line item that included open, early, and mandatory voting. (It has a lot of moving parts, but I consider process reform to be one single policy.) Essentially, I would get all the money out of politics, end gerrymandering, and involve every citizen in the democratic process at both the state and federal level. Do that, and suddenly all good things are possible.

Voting Strategy – I’m registered Independent in NC so I get to choose which party I want to vote for in the primary. Personally, I would love to see Bernie get the nomination and the presidency. Do I choose Republican and vote for Trump as I think he is the easiest republican to beat or do I choose Democrat and vote for Bernie who I would like to see win it all?
Vote for Bernie. There will come a day when you’ll be proud to say you did. (Similarly, if you vote for Trump, there will also come a day when you deeply regret it.)

My boyfriend and I live in Asia. He’s just been gone on a long trip where he’s had a shitload of fun and taken a shitload of drugs. We’re in a monogamous relationship, so would it be a trust issue if I asked him to get tested before we have sex when he gets back?
Yes, it would be a trust issue, but hey, if you feel the need to ask, then ask.

I truly wish the world were quieter.
Move to Alaska.

Would you go monogamous for a starmate?
Sure, but the point is that I wouldn’t have to.

Do you play chess?
Of course I do.

How many submissions a day do you get since you left tumblr?
Hundreds. (Way more since leaving tumblr.)

Why is it I can’t find people physically attractive until I know them a little?
Because physicality is more than just how someone looks, and genuine attraction isn’t a superficial response. (You’re much more normal in this regard than you think you are.)

If he says he wouldn’t want to see his ex again because she’s toxic, does that mean he isn’t over her?
Pay attention to the subtleties of how he says she’s toxic. If he’s telling you that she’s toxic, he’s over her. If he’s telling himself that she’s toxic, he’s not over her.

Why do women still fake orgasms? What is the root of that confusion-inducing performance? It does nothing but hurt us all in the end.
The root of that confusion-inducing performance is the fundamental fragility of the male ego, which is really the thing that hurts us all in the end.

Where/How do you draw the line between having self-respect and “Well why not? He’s really hot”?
I don’t have to draw a line because my self-respect isn’t tied to patriarchal notions of chastity and sexual shame.

The divorce is almost official and I just kicked him off my Hulu account. Such a little thing, but it really was splendid.
It’s always the little things. (Congratulations on your divorce.)

It’s really hard when you’re surrounded by dumb people not to become one of them.
Yes, but it’s worth the effort.

Do you have trouble with the physical aspects of aging?
I’d prefer that the physical aspects of aging not occur, but there’s really no point in having trouble with inevitability.

Is it morally wrong/illegal to resell items full price that you buy at a discount because you work for that company?
It’s neither morally wrong nor illegal. Although, it’s ethically shady and would probably get you fired, so keep that shit to yourself.

Are you down with Trevor Noah? I tried to give the new Daily Show a chance but I can’t get into it.
Trevor showed so much promise, but the man can’t land a joke to save his life, and with the exception of the brilliant Jessica Williams, the correspondents are all a bunch of undisciplined hacks. It’s painful to watch what the Daily Show has become. (I take solace in watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, who turned out to be the true heir of the Stewart legacy.)

I NEED A NEW PLAYLIST. PLEASE THIS IS LIKE FUCKING PURGATORY.
Okay, okay. Here it is.

My life is a painful cycle of ups and downs with him, but I feel dead inside without him. What do I do?
Stop making it about him. This is about you and how you allow yourself to be emotionally dependent on another person. Stop doing that. Individuate. Take responsibility for your own emotional states and don’t give other people the power to define your life. This goes for everyone you know — friends, family members, and all your future boyfriends. (Yes. Future boyfriends. Your current relationship is going to end. The sooner the better.)

I love my girlfriend of three years but I don’t want to fuck her anymore. We have a really nice life together. What now?
“What now?” is the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself, “Why now?” I couldn’t possibly have an answer for you, but that’s what you should be working to figure out for yourself.

Does the fact that I secretly hope my father (whom I resent and have a fraught relationship with) isn’t around (read: alive) for my wedding (whenever the fuck that is) make me a terrible person?
Do you see what you’ve done here? Dead or alive, you’ve given your father the power to ruin your future wedding. Stop giving him that kind of power. Come to terms with his limitations. Accept him. (That doesn’t mean involve him in your life. It just means accept that he’ll never be who you need him to be and let that shit go.)

Where is the line between being on her side and being an enabler?
The line is crossed the moment your actions begin to reinforce her maladaptive patterns of behavior.

I’m in love with my cheating ex – what to do?
Are you sure it’s him you’re in love with? I mean him. Who he really is right now as a human being — not his potential, not who he was when you met, not the idea of him you have in your head — him. Be honest.

I’m a poet, he’s a songwriter. Most of my poems are about him, none of his songs are about me. I have no doubt that he loves me, but why doesn’t he show it in his art?
I honestly don’t know how he tolerates you.

Do you regret telling the two exes about your secret identity?
Not at all. Loyalty and trust can extend beyond relationships, and those are two ride or die motherfuckers, the kind I wouldn’t hesitate to call if I needed help getting rid of a body. Besides, none of this ridiculousness would have been possible without them.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone religious?
Nope. I’ve made sinners out of several, but nothing close to love. (That’s an odd detail to pull out of me. Why do you ask?)

Don’t let the sycophantic comments section get to your head, love.
Please. You needn’t worry about the sycophants, darling. The hate mail is my source of pride.

How do you ethically defend eating meat? I do too, but I’m conflicted about it all the time.
I don’t defend eating meat with an ethical argument. The argument against eating meat has the ethical high ground. I defend eating meat simply by saying it’s delicious, which it is, and I accept the fact that I am not ethically pure in that regard.

I’m 29, does that mean I’m a millennial? It’s confusing, it seems like these labels are very American-centric but they travel (thank you globalization) and still apply to an extent.
Yes. You are a Millennial. Not that firm borders exist, but typically, anyone born between 1961 and 1979 is considered Generation X, anyone born between 1980 and 2001 is a Millennial, and anyone born between 1977-1983 is a Gen X/Millennial cusper.

I’m scared I’m going to drink myself to death.
Maybe it’s time for rehab. You sound ready. Go get some help.

Honestly, do you think Hillary Clinton would win against Trump if the election were held, as it were, tomorrow??
Of course. Hillary would destroy Trump. It would be a double-digit landslide win.

My mother told me that if I vote for Bernie Sanders she’s “never going speak to [me] again.”
The proper response to that is, “Challenge accepted.”

Why is it that everywhere I look, I only see signs of how much of a failure I am?
Because that’s what you want to see.

I can think of a thousand reasons why but I want to know, why don’t you give parenting advice?
People don’t ask me about their children.

How honest are you about your life here that people know well can find this blog and not know it’s you?
The things I write about my life are honest, but I’m a trickster with the details. It’s necessary to protect my anonymity. Still, as Tony Montana once said, “I always tell the truth, even when I lie.”

So why did you change your style? Lose your brutality? You’re boring now.
The rest of us grew up a little. If you’re bored, feel free to fuck off.

You suddenly stopped writing as much. Does this mean you found someone?
Those of you paying attention to what week it is will understand why I’m busy.

Everything aside, what do you think of the very idea of separate bedrooms, given that both the partners willingly agree and there is no power imbalance?
It’s perfectly fine under healthy circumstances, but a willing agreement and no power imbalance doesn’t necessarily make it healthy. Separate bedrooms has to be the result of a couple leading independent lives, but not distant lives. Independence is healthy. Distance isn’t.

I’ve had the same straight, even length hair style all my life. Does that mean I stopped growing as a person?
All your life? From your baby pictures through your teenage years and on into adulthood? The same hairstyle? No, I don’t think so. If that were true (and it isn’t) it would mean that you never formed an identity by making decisions about your own appearance, which means you never started growing in the first place.

Wait, so if I don’t change my hair that means I’ve stopped growing as a person? I just think black hair and front bangs suits me best, I’m not trying to seem stagnant.
No, it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped growing as a person. Not at all. You guys seem to be missing the point about the hair thing. If you want to understand where I was coming from, read this. (And I’m sure black front bangs is a great look for you now, but will it be in five years? In ten? In twenty? Come on.)

I have two cats and a roommate. My roommate refers to my cats as her cats. I don’t want to be a psycho but they’re my fucking cats. Why does this bother me so much???
Because they’re your fucking cats. Duh.

Why is it that whenever I recognize that I’m content that immediately after I feel a sense of sadness?
Because that’s all there is.

How do you avoid paying retail for designer clothes?
I believe Liam Neeson summed it up best when he said, “…I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.”

My 59 year old mother quoted you at me about moving to Asheville. My head damn near exploded. Your influence spreads far and wide!
Is she trying to get you to move? That’s adorable. (And yeah, some of my new audience is skewing much older, which makes it a little weird for me. I don’t even give parenting advice, so it’s not like I’m gonna start answering questions about menopause and shit.)

At what point in a friendship/dating relationship do you tell people about your alter ego?
I don’t tell anyone. Ever. One lawyer, one agent, one editor, one therapist, two exes, and three friends. That’s it. Those are the only people I’ve told. I don’t tell new friends, and I don’t tell new partners, especially now that I’m in a new place.

My dad is approaching retirement and has just started grasping the idea of his white privilege and the need for action on racial equity. Any book recommendations to get him from “dipping a toe in” to “fully involved”?
Maybe start him off with The Heart of Whiteness by Robert Jensen. (I haven’t read it, but I’ve read Jensen’s other book Getting Off, and his writing is very easy to digest. Plus, he’s a white guy, so it’ll probably be an easier fit for your dad.)

How do I end this 9 year relationship?
Start with two words: “It’s over.” Then make your arrangements, gather your things, and leave.

I know what the answer to my problem is but I don’t want to follow through. Tell me to stop being a pussy.
No.

Is it possible for a belly button ring to be classy?
Yes, but probably not how you mean it. (If you’re contemplating a piercing and this is your concern, it’s best to just not go there.)

A while back you wrote about the significance of women changing their hair, so I was curious: is there a reason a friend of mine (early 60s) has had the exact same bottle blonde bob for 30+ years?
Yes. Something happened around the time she turned thirty that caused her to stop growing as a person.

Why am I having so much difficulty accepting my bisexuality?
Because you’re feeling either guilt or shame. When you figure out which it is, relief will come from either forgiveness or acceptance.

When I read all the bullshit power dynamics and shenanigans that the women who write you deal with I really don’t understand why I can’t find someone. I’m not saying I am without issue; but Jesus fucking Christ I have respect and integrity.
Well yeah, it’s easy to find someone you don’t respect if you’re a person without integrity. That’s what it means to be a predator. By all means, have respect and integrity, but quit with the whining. Getting it right isn’t supposed to be easy.

I’m Armenian. Does that mean I’m a “person of color?” I’m so confused.
Nope, not in America. When it comes to race, you gotta check the box that says “white,” although you should feel free to write in “Armenian” as your ethnicity.

I hate Kanye West.
Yeah, that’s wasted energy. Consider ignoring Kanye and hating celebrity culture and wealth inequality instead.

Do you ever reply to people who leave you their email?
All the time.

Favorite, realistic replacement for Scalia?
Kamala Harris

Do you find it difficult to be bombarded with so many people’s pain, ignorance and confusion?
No way. Are you kidding? I have a magical vault of a hundred thousand secrets.

You have great taste and an eye for quality, so I’m super curious: what sex toys would you recommend?
The ones that make you cum.

My little sister (17) is going through her first breakup and is devastated. Can you give me a pearl of wisdom to pass on?
Tell her to enjoy the devastation. She’ll never get to feel this kind of pain for the first time ever again. This is a special moment in her life. It’s important, and she should savor it. I’m almost envious of her. Not even joking.

He told me that fucking me was like fucking an animal.
I mean sure, that sort of a compliment, but you might wanna ask what animals he’s been fucking. Either that or just politely teach him the word “animalistic.”

I’m a girl who’s being desensitized by the porn I watch. I can’t really have an orgasm without it. Can I fix that by not watching porn anymore? Please, just some quick advice.
Yes. You have to totally abstain from all porn. That’s the only way to fix it. It takes time, and it will be incredibly frustrating, but if you want the ability to orgasm with an actual human being totally unaided by porn, that’s what you gotta do.

How do you get over a hardcore crush that is at least 85% projection and born of loneliness and boredom? I KNOW that’s why I have these feelings but it doesn’t make them any less intense and I want them to go away. This is really fucking with me.
Find something else to do with your time. I’m not being trite. That’s really what has to happen.

Jesus was way more radical than Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, but Bernie Sanders actually exists.

Am I shit person for saying “Yaaaaaaaaasssss” when I heard that Scalia died? I feel like I should at least wait until his body is cold but I’m so fucking happy he’s gone.
Nope. Fuck that guy. Fuck him right in his fat dead face.

My cousin said the same thing about Obama nominating himself on facebook at almost the same moment you said it on twitter. I like how this is something many people are considering.
It’s a silly fantasy, but one I enjoy pondering.

I have a ton of anger about being female and I don’t know what to do about it.
Reframe the way you think. You don’t have a ton of anger about being female. You have a ton of anger about living in a patriarchal society. That way, instead of your anger manifesting as internalized misogyny, it will manifest as externalized defiance.

“There was an officer safety risk preceding the shooting of Tamir Rice, and for that reason, his shooting was justified.” For or against this position?
Radically against.

Please tell me it gets better.
Sometimes it does. Mostly it just changes.

Is 30 still young?
Relative to what?

Nobody believes I can do it. Are they right?
Are you nobody?

Is it possible to be an extrovert with social anxiety? I think I’ve been mislabeling myself “introvert” my whole life.
Of course it’s possible. Then again, people ascribe way too much value to being labeled extrovert or introvert. It’s not a binary, and where you fall on the spectrum can change depending on your phase of life. Worry less about the label and focus more on dealing with your anxiety.

I don’t have enough worth/self-value to demand the things I actually need out of my relationships. “Know yourself know your worth” is easier said than done. Give me a mantra or a first step or SOMETHING to get started, O Wise One?
People think self-worth is some kind of armor that you wear on the inside that strengthens you. It’s not. Self-worth is an active process. The reason it’s easier said than done is because it requires that you actually do something. Self-worth is the very act of demanding your needs, and it’s your willingness to walk the fuck away. Self-worth is expecting rather than needing. It is your convictions firmly held

With all of this new posting, any chance we could get a style blog revival? Even a mini series would be nice…
I’m not going to revive the style blog. Managing three blogs while having a career and a life was an absurd amount work. I’ve integrated some of the old style stuff on my personal blog, and I might add some new style stuff, but we’ll see.

I’m single this year. What should I get into on Valentine’s Day? I was thinking wine and budgeting, do you have any other suggestions?
One of the greatest parts about being single is not even having to acknowledge that ridiculous Hallmark holiday. I suggest you spend your weekend doing whatever the fuck you want.

Regarding the question about the guy who signed the card “always,” what does it mean when he signs it “much love”?
Oh, Valentines Day. You bring me so many sad and desperate questions. Okay, listen up. This answer applies to anyone asking about how he signed your stupid card: Any word other than “Love” means “Not Love.” Any word that mitigates “Love,” including “Much” or “With” means “Not Quite Love.” Any words that amplify “Love,” including “With Deepest,” “All My,” or “And Affection” means he’s either cheating on you or he’s a douche. (You all deserve this for participating in such a stupid ritual.)

Kasich, huh? Well you did call it. Do you think the sane outnumber the crazies in the GOP or has one of the two major political parties in this county completely lost its mind?
The crazies are only a vocal minority of the GOP, and when it comes to actually pulling the lever, GOP voters don’t fuck around. Trump was never going to get more than 25% of the lunatic fringe, everyone hates Cruz, Rubio is a child, Bush is a chump, and Kasich has been low-key presidential this whole time. Now that the primaries are here, Kasich is gonna pop. I said it last year, and I still stand by it.

Why do I want to know what celebrities’ vaginas look like?
It serves two purposes. One, it sexually arouses you. Two, in a culture that worships celebrity, it humanizes them in your eyes. (That’s me being gracious. I could also say it degrades them in your eyes, in which case you would be a creepy creeping creep. I’ll let you decide that for yourself.)

Do I need to talk to my boyfriend about my impossible crush on one of his best friends or should I just keep that shit to myself and wait for it to go away?
If you tell him, the triangle that forms will detonate your relationship, which was most likely your subconscious plan all along. You’re asking me whether to push the self-destruct button on your relationship, and that’s not my decision. It’s yours, but you should at least know what it is that you’re really doing.

Can you explain more about EMDR? My doctor suggested it could help me, and everything she said sounded a little freaky-deaky, tbh.
It sounds a little freaky-deaky because the human brain is, in fact, a little freaky-deaky. Google that shit. It’s real science. It really works.

Why am I attracted to older men who are in positions of power over me? Is it because my dad is super old?
It’s not just because your dad is super old. It’s also because your mom is much younger. That’s the dynamic you learned. That’s the pattern you’re repeating.

Why does everyone suddenly hate feminism? Do we need to find a better word to describe ourselves?
I don’t accept the premise of your first question, and the answer to your second question is fuck no.

people need to learn 50% of lifestyle is attitude. (the rest is opportunity.)
Preach. (But opportunity is privilege. Never forget that.)

What is an asshole, even.
Might I recommend one of my favorite little books, Assholes: A Theory by Aaron James. It covers the topic brilliantly.

What does it mean when a guy sends you flowers and signs the card, “Always”?
It means he went out of his way to not use the word “Love.”

Art should demand something of its audience. Agree or disagree?
Art is the demand.

this is crazy. im a girl who likes anal sex. i’m scared to break up with my boyfriend in part because i worry about finding another guy who is into that, and into it respectfully. is this irrational??
Okay, it’s this “in part” thing that matters here. What are the other reasons you’re scared to break up with your boyfriend? For real, are you ready for the relationship to end? You have to be honest with yourself. If you’re done, you’re done. Worrying about who’s gonna respectfully fuck you in the ass just seems like an expression of denial over your inevitable break-up.

Is this really all there is to life? Work, eat healthily, exercise, make friends, lose friends, date, etc? I thought the future would be cooler. Then again, I thought I would be an Astronaut or a Pop Star or an Actor so maybe my expectations needed to lower at some point.
Why did you capitalize those professions? Such an odd thing to do. As for your expectations, even astronauts, pop stars, and actors have to do all that shit you listed, so I don’t quite know what you’re bitching about. This is a pretty awesome time to be alive. If you’re bored, it’s your own damn fault.

Do you ever sell your old books? It would be cool to receive a book from the library of the Coquette.
I don’t sell them, but I’m constantly giving them away, especially the ones that I love. It tends to leave my bookshelves filled with good-but-not-great books, which is fine I suppose, because anybody who makes it back to my place ain’t judging me for my book collection.

Why does Amal Clooney even matter to you?
Better question: Why does Amal Clooney mattering to me even matter to you?

Why have you chosen not to take drugs anymore?
I didn’t say I’ve chosen not to take drugs anymore. I said I’ve deliberately chosen not to find drug connects in my new town. (Just because you don’t want the number to the local Domino’s doesn’t mean you’ve stopped eating pizza.)

You haven’t moved to fucking Tulsa have you?
I would move to a mental hospital before I would move to Tulsa.