Advice

On rebounds, sorority girls, and douchebags.

Dear Coquette,

My new guy still has dreams about his ex. I’m not sure what to think about this. Is he still hung up on her? We’ve been dating a month. They lived together for several years and had a year of breaking up and getting back together, which ended about two months ago.

Sweetheart, not only is he still hung up on his ex, but guess what? You are the rebound.

It’s no one’s fault, really. It’s just a timing thing. He’s fresh out of a long-term live-in relationship, so unless he’s a serial relationship junkie, don’t expect much in the way of commitment.

That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. Keep dating him if you want. Have fun, but for your own sake, don’t get too emotionally invested. Odds are, you’re not gonna make it to girlfriend status with this one.


I have a terrible reputation due to my general bad behavior. For a while I decided to run with it, but it is getting to the point where I have zero credibility and others can willfully do mean-spirited things to me with no repercussions. This abuse has extended from normal girls in my sorority all the way up to the girls in charge, who have done things like search my room and make me move mid-semester just because they could. Hatred and ostracism have reached a fever pitch, and I feel like my life is crumbling. How do I change my reputation? Is this one of those things that I will have to ride out, or will it ever get better? I’ve cleaned up my behavior drastically in the last semester, but no one seemed to notice. I am dreading returning in the fall to the same treatment I received last spring. Help me, Coquette. I’m a mess.

Hatred and ostracism have reached a fever pitch? Don’t be such a drama queen. You’re not a mess. Your life isn’t crumbling. You’re just dizzy because you think the world keeps revolving around you.

Listen, kid. The world is full of shallow, self-centered sorority girls who think they have a reputation, when in fact, they’re all just living at the center of a tiny college-girl bubble fueled by estrogen and Adderall. You do not have a reputation, terrible or otherwise. You are not special. No one cares.

When you get back to school in the fall, treat people with kindness and respect. Do not be petty. Do not be mean. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter, and practice not saying the word “I” in every sentence. In other words, grow up. You’ll be fine. I promise.


He was a douchebag who wasn’t good enough for me, and I don’t want to be with him, but why do I still care so much about him?

Because you don’t actually believe that he’s not good enough for you.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

Dear Coquette,

Why when I think I like a guy do I always over analyze everything and then end up convincing myself that I don’t like him?
Because you don’t know yourself.


Does kissing have a more romantic connotation than sex?
Kissing costs extra for a reason, darling.


How do I get rid of all this angst?

Homemade soup.


Do you think a pro-choicer and a pro-lifer could ever date?

Sure. They’d better use condoms, though.


I’m scared that no one will come to my funeral.

That means you’re either lonely or an asshole. It’ll be too late to do anything at your funeral, so I suggest you start dealing with your problems now.


What’s your take on Unitarian Universalism? They don’t have a creed or care if you believe in God or anything.

Unitarian Universalism is the non-alcoholic beer of religions. Sure, they’ve taken out all the stuff that’ll get you stupid, but at that point, why even bother swallowing it?


Do you believe that one must conform to societal norms in order to survive?

If all you’re aiming for is survival, it’s best that you just conform to societal norms, but if you’re aiming for success, you’ll have to learn how to maneuver around them. 


He’s 19, I’m 31. Thoughts?

You’re both consenting adults. Barely. Do what makes you happy.


What’s the deal with furries?

I’m pretty sure it boils down to ugly people finding creative ways to paper-bag themselves, but hey, no judgment. Let your freak flag fly.


Do you think Sarah Palin is truly an idiot (which isn’t hard to believe), or that she’s secretly an evil genius? It’s three in the morning, and it’s really scaring me.

She’s not an idiot, nor is she a secret evil genius. Sarah Palin is mundane and middling, a paragon of American unexceptionalism. It’s her mediocrity that should terrify you.


What’s the point in being hard to get? I don’t understand why it’s better than being easy. Why are harder to get people more deserving of respect?

The point isn’t to be hard to get. The point is to have high standards. You don’t understand because you don’t know the difference.

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Advice

On carmageddon.

Work is booking me a hotel on the west side during carmageddon. They asked me how awesome it should be, what hotel should i ask for?

Might I suggest the Hotel Angeleno? It’s that circular building perched right at the base of the Getty by the 405. It’s a former Holiday Inn, but Joie De Vivre renovated the hell out of it a few years back, and it’s pretty decent.

There are other hotels that I would normally recommend, but given the strangeness of carmageddon, I’d pick the Angeleno and request an upper floor room with a view of the interstate. It will be eerie as fuck during the shut down. You’ll have a front row seat, so to speak.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

Any tips for running an anonymous blog?
Um, don’t put your name on it, and don’t tell anyone that you write it. Duh.

Surely someone has asked you about Casey Anthony by now?
Casey who?

Who’s your favorite KCRW DJ?
Anne Litt

What do you think of guys who tell you things like, “I’m hung”?
Very little.

I smoke weed everyday, is that too often?
You’ve probably crossed the line from smoking recreationally to using it as a coping method. Don’t let that shit become a crutch. Get your life in balance.

I want to have anal sex with my boyfriend and all these “give yourself an enema” website recommendations are making me nervous. Is that really necessary???
It’s overkill. Just take a shit and a shower, and you’ll be fine.

Today is the 7th anniversary of my brother’s death. I know heaven doesn’t exist and that he isn’t watching over me. Does it make me stupid and/or a hypocrite to still “talk” to my brother when I miss him?
Talk to your brother all you’d like. There is no heaven, and he’s not watching over you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still very much a part of you.

i recently returned from a deployment to iraq, where we would frequent your writings for a brief reprieve of humor.  thank you for incredible wordsmithing.
Awesome. I hope you never have to go back.

How do you find purpose and meaning in a life that might be/is inherently meaningless?
Find out where you are on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Aim higher.

Read through the CT archives during a sleepless night. Good shit. Why don’t you believe in role models, though?
In our culture, fame is the first and often only criteria for becoming a role model, and that is insane. Besides, heroes are for children and idiots.

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Advice

On taking care

I was “A Girl With Real Problems” a few months ago, and I wanted to give you an update since the time that you answered my cry for help.

My dad used the whole “you’re under 18 and therefore what I say goes” thing on me and stopped me from getting on medication, but I recently turned 18 and was able to take your advice and start the medication for my bipolar and OCD. Let me tell you… it has already made a world of difference. I still have some things to work on, and I need a few more adjustments to the medication, but it already has given me a control on my life that I never had before. Although I couldn’t immediately fix the problem and get on medication right after you answered my question, your kind words and support helped me keep hope when it all started weighing me down.

Thank you so much, Coke Talk!

It’s all you, babe. Give yourself some props. You’re a badass for knuckling down and taking care of yourself. That shit ain’t easy.

Be proud of every step you take towards independence and happiness, and when things get dark, do your best to remind yourself it will get better again.

Keep on keepin’ on.

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Advice

On a small world.

I met this amazing guy about two weeks ago when he first moved to LA. We have been hanging out about every other day since, so things just happened quickly and I really like him. He says he likes me too . During one of our dates it came up in conversation how odd it is that we two white people are dating because I usually go for Latino guys and he usually goes for Asian girls. So, it seems his only friend in my city is an Asian girl, who he went to Venice beach with, cooked curry with when she went to his house to use his laundry machine, and is going out in Hollywood with tonight with her friends. He says he isn’t seeing anyone else, but am I being paranoid to wonder about this friend? I mean I know people have friends of the opposite sex, but honestly how rare is it that you spend one on one time with a friend of the opposite sex and it doesn’t go anywhere? Especially when he’s gorgeous and likes Asian girls. I want to be trusting but honestly I’m a little worried. I guess I just have to put myself out there and hope for the best, and if it doesn’t work out then I need to accept the bad cheating karma I think I have coming my way? Ugh I have not been this excited about a guy in a long time and he said he feels the same way. I’m loving finally getting swept off my feet but I’m worried he’s this charming with his friend too. Any advice?

Oh, you’re dating Trevor? Yeah, he’s not new to LA. He just moved from Venice Beach to Hollywood. Total player. Hot as fuck. He’s got Asian bitches lined up around the block.

Have fun.

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Advice

On saying goodbye.

Tomorrow I’m bringing my 16 year old family dog to be euthanised. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I can’t stop taking photos of him. I’ve taken 367 so far. I’m trying not to think about tomorrow, because every time I do, I start tearing up. I don’t even know what I’m asking. How do I cope, maybe? It must seem silly, to be so torn up over a dog. Fuck it, I’m a dog lover and he’s been my best friend since I was a kid.

Been there. It fucking sucks. The vet’s gonna ask if you want to be in the room when they put him down. It’s your call, but know the answer ahead of time.

If you can handle it, I’d recommend being by his side through the procedure. That’s what I did. It’s tough, but being able to hold him, say goodbye, and be there all the way to the end is something you won’t regret.

Cry all you want. Don’t feel silly. Don’t invalidate your emotions just because he’s a dog. He deserves to be mourned, and it’s perfectly okay to be a mess over this.

Hell, I’m wiping away a few tears right now just thinking about it.

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Advice

On being misguided.

I read a post on your blog regarding gay marriage (it’s not recent) where you call anyone who is not in support of gay marriage a small minded bigot? Isn’t that a bit too extreme? Aren’t some people just misguided? Don’t some people just have the right not to support it because of their moral judgement?

Sure, misguided people have the right not to support gay marriage because of their moral judgment. Naturally, I have the right to point out that they are, in fact, small minded bigots.

If you don’t like that, by all means, go fuck yourself.

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Advice

On equality.

I don’t get it. You (as a rational human being) abhor the idea and stupidities of marriage, but you applaud New York for passing laws that condone same-sex marriage. Why? Marriage isn’t some great, sacrosanct union. Civil unions based on love, respect and mutual admiration (not to mention sexual interest) are to be cherished. A business contract overwhelmingly consumed by religious idiocies with some legal implications (e.g. marriage) isn’t. So why support the new NY legislature?

Equality, dumbass.

And who gives a fuck what you or I think of marriage? Our personal opinions don’t deserve to be enshrined in legislation. Only assholes think like that.

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Advice

On your day.

Dear Coquette,

I’m newly engaged and have started thinking about and talking about wedding plans with my fiancé. We have chosen our bridal party and decided where we want to get married. My mother is not happy with either decision. She insists that my brother should be a groomsman even though my fiancé does not feel he has a close enough relationship to my brother to make him one. My brother is going to be involved in the wedding. He will be walking down our grandmothers and our mother. He will also be giving a speech and will be announced at the beginning of the reception for the entrances. My mother does not think this is good enough because he won’t be at the altar. My fiancés stance is that it is our wedding and my mother should just get over it.

My mother is also not happy with our location. Weve decided we want to get married somewhere that is about four hours away from where we live. My fiancés family lives there, and he and I plan to move there once were married. My family either lives four hours away or farther. My mother thinks it is unfair for us to pick a location so far away from our family because it is a hassle to travel. He and I are in love with this town, and, like I said, we plan to build our life together there.

The tension is becoming insane and unbearable. Im afraid to have a conversation with my mother in case she starts ranting about the wedding location or crying because my brother isn’t a groomsman. What do I do, Coquette? Is my fiancé right? Should we just say, Sorry, this is our wedding; we get what we want. Or is there some sort of compromise in this? Also, I’m afraid that the rest of the planning will be like torture because of all this tension already built. The last thing I want is my mother or my fiancé to be miserable on my wedding day because if theyre miserable, Ill be miserable. Please help.

You’re the bride, sweetheart. That means you’re in charge. Not your mom. Not your fiancé. You. 

Sure, everyone in your family is gonna give you an earful of opinions. But for better or for worse, when conflicts arise, the buck stops with you. Step up and start laying down the law. 

Not that what I have to say should matter in the least, but since you asked, here’s what I think. On the one hand, your crazy-ass mother should quiet down and let you have your wedding wherever you damn well please. On the other hand, your fiancé is being a thoughtless douche for not immediately and graciously allowing your brother to be a groomsman.

Throw your mother a bone. Tell your fiancé that that your brother is gonna be a groomsman, but then insist that your mother shut the hell up about the location. Boom. Done. 

While you’re at it, stop trying to please everyone all the time. It’s impossible and attempting to do so will end in disaster. The sooner you grow a spine and start telling everyone the way it’s gonna be, the sooner they can all start getting over themselves.

Take control. Be firm. This is your day. Own it.

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