Best-Of Advice

On philosophers and fools

Heartbreak is not inevitable…why are you so bitter? Sure there are hard times but some people who say “forever” mean it. I’m sorry that has not been your experience. Every time I read your articles I end up thinking about you and how miserable your existence must be and what horrible life experiences you must have had. I am so sorry for you!

Sweetheart, I’m not bitter. I’m just not a candy-headed twit. Please save your shallow pity for sad puppies in Sarah McLachlan commercials, because I certainly don’t need it.

I’m over here leading a charmed life of self-realized happiness, but you aren’t equipped to spot something like that. I’m sure you’re a decent enough person — earnest, Wonder Bread wholesome, sweet in a saccharine sort of way — but you couldn’t find enlightenment if it was in the rollback bin at Walmart.

That’s okay. I don’t need you to understand that what you consider bitterness, I consider a healthy dose of pragmatism. What you consider sin, I consider a celebration of the human condition. What you consider bliss, I consider ignorance.

I welcome heartbreak as an inevitability because I have no childish illusions about true love or happily ever after. That doesn’t mean I don’t love deeply. I do. I just don’t need it to be a fairy tale.

And yes, some people who say forever mean it, but forever is a word for philosophers and fools. If you’re using it to describe your love life, I’ll let you guess which of the two you are.

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Advice

On pragmatic romanticism

Dear Coquette,

I am an educated, independent 29-year-old woman in an amazing relationship. I amsatisfied with my life and proud of the choices I have made. I do not have painful emotional baggage from childhood, and my head is pretty much screwed on straight as far as I can tell.

I’ve been with this guy for a year, and it is the first adult relationship I have ever experienced. By that I mean it’s the first time I’ve ever dated someone who was not an emotionally stunted narcissist who was sowing his wild oats and living in the moment. This is a genuine, caring and intelligent human being. He treats me with respect and challenges my sensibilities. He holds me accountable, yet supports my need to grow as an individual. I trust him. The sex is amazing and I have no doubt that it will only get better. I can only hope that I offer him the same in return, and it would break my heart to find out otherwise. He is everything I stopped looking for because, for a time, I realized there is no such thing as Prince Charming. But here he is, wonderful and true. He is the jingle to my jangle. Even my dad — the hero of my life — is giving me the thumbs up. All systems are go.

This man is going to ask me to marry him, and everything feels right. He wants me and I want him right back. Except — surprise — my rational brain is attempting to repress my romantic heart. Now, I realize that I have never wanted a traditional marriage because I’ve only dated Neanderthals who could never earn, let alone sustain, the golden-ticket pleasure of my lifelong companionship, but the current problem is that I find it practically impossible to claim “forever” with this dude.

I am a realist, and, let’s be honest, only time can tell that kind of thing. Similarly, but somehow altogether differently, I believe the American Pragmatists were really cooking with fire when they laid out their whole “experience” bit. You know the one: You have to try something in order to find out the consequences.

I’m comfortable with change, I’m into taking leaps, but I fear that I will always have this nagging “you said ‘forever’ but didn’t reeeally mean it” thingamajig jamming up my cogs. I want it to be true, but I can’t predict the future. Is this, like, way easier than I think it is? I would hate to lose such an amazing human being because a lifetime of philosophy has ruined my ability to be a sucker for Hallmark holidays and antiquated social norms. 


Damn, girl. You don’t need a marriage license. You need a learner’s permit.

 You also need to quit over-thinking this. I know you’ve got a lot going on upstairs, but it’s a bit too easy for you to retreat up into the cozy confines of your well-educated head. Quit spinning on the notion of forever, because there is no such thing. It doesn’t matter if it’s in five years when one of you catches the other cheating, or if it’s in fifty when one of you dies in your sleep from old age — one day your relationship is going to end.

As brutal as that sounds, the pragmatist in you knows what I’m getting at. Nothing lasts forever, so how can you make commitments that last that long? Honestly, you can’t. Still, that’s no excuse for you not to get married. It’s just a contract, after all. No one’s saying you can’t draft your own agreement. If you’re not a sucker for antiquated norms, then why abide by them?

This is your marriage, on your terms, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, and even in sickness and in health. If the whole “until death do us part” routine is freaking you out, stick an asterisk in there. Write your own vows. Change the word ‘death’ to ‘fate.’ Make whatever promises to each other you’re willing to keep, and if the sky falls, so be it.

In the meantime, take the leap. Enjoy being in love. Say yes when he asks you to marry him. Sure, heartbreak is inevitable and tomorrow is promised to no one, but that’s no reason to talk yourself out of happiness today.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Best-Of Advice

On the drug war

What are your thoughts on ruthless violence of the drug cartels in Latin America? That shit is almost entirely funded by our greedy demand for and mindless consumption of cocaine. I just spent two weeks down there and got a much better sense of how grave the crisis really is. I’ve now decided to kick the habit and stick to good ol’ California-hippie-grown pot from now on and I think you should hop on board.

Just sayin’…

Two whole weeks? Wow, you’re like an honorary Latin American or something. I guess I should really listen to you. You’re like an expert. I bet you even know how to ask for bottled water in Spanish.

Listen, when you’re done patting yourself on the back for supporting your local pot farmer, maybe you could set aside your smug sense of self-appreciation for going on a field trip and take a hot minute to learn the basic principles of a black market economy.

When it comes to cocaine, it’s not our greedy demand nor our mindless consumption that’s causing the ruthless violence. It’s prohibition. The law is to blame. The illegality of cocaine is what vastly inflates its price above the cost of production creating an artificial price bubble worth hundreds of billions each year. That money is the ultimate cause of all the violence.

If the United States ended the war on drugs tomorrow and the DEA became strictly a regulatory agency, the market price of cocaine would collapse and the cartel violence would end almost immediately. Not only that, but the demand and consumption of cocaine wouldn’t really change all that much. It’s not like the drug war actually keeps people off drugs.

You’re an idiot if you think there’s any moral superiority in saying no to blow for political reasons, because as a citizen of a country waging this kind of war on drugs, you’ll always have blood on your hands.

Just sayin’…

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Advice

On pointy-headed numnards

What do you think about those who are saying that the recent natural devastation in Japan is karmic revenge for the bombing of Pearl Harbor?

Well, first let’s all agree that those kind of ignorant fucks don’t have the slightest clue what the concept of karma is actually about. Let’s also not be afraid to describe them as ignorant fucks, because that’s what they are — low grade minds made more inferior with low grade beliefs.

We’re talking about the same pointy-headed numnards who think that homosexuality is to blame whenever an earthquake hits San Francisco, or that abortionists and feminists were to blame for the September 11th attacks.

It’s absurd, but this is what simpletons do in the face of catastrophe. While the rest of us try our best to process horrible events rationally, they’re off justifying their egocentric world views with superstition and schadenfreude.

Ugh. I have no patience for the willfully ignorant. Compassionless morons with uninformed opinions really are the worst among us.

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Best-Of Advice

On being a grown-up

Dear Coquette,

I’m in my mid-20s, but sometimes I fall into the habit of acting far less mature than my age when I’m around other people. It’s something I find myself regretting later on when I’m finally by myself. I feel childish just asking this question, but is this really what it’s like to be a grown-up? Wasn’t I supposed to get married or something?

Yep. This is it. 

Welcome to 21st-century adulthood.

You’ve been out of college a few years now, and you know what it’s like to put in some of that entry-level grind. Maybe you’re waiting tables. Maybe you’re in grad school. Maybe you’re bucking for some junior-level corporate gig. Whatever. Point is, you’re not the new girl anymore, but you aren’t management yet either.

Take a good look around at the view, because for better or worse, this is all you can expect out of being a grown-up. Sure, you might squeeze out a child of your own in a few years, but other than that, the American experience isn’t gonna come along and saddle you with any life-changing, pillbox hat-wearing, polyester blend responsibility that would otherwise clearly indicate you’re not still one yourself.

Sorry, kiddo — it doesn’t work like that anymore.

Your state of emotional maturity might seem stunted by previous generations’ standards, but we Millennials have been blessed and cursed with an unusually extended adolescence filled with social networks, smoking bans, and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

The befuddled boomers and bitter Gen Xers before us are quick to talk all kinds of smack about our relative immaturity, but do your best to ignore the negativity, because quite frankly, this is how they raised us. Besides, it’s their turn to be old and in the way, and they should shut up and be thankful that we’re willing to pick up the tab on their ballooning Social Security and Medicare. But I digress. How tacky.

Speaking of attention deficit disorder, our generation’s extended adolescence is part and parcel to a much grander sociological cycle that also includes the crumbling of the institution of marriage and the death of the American dream. Good times. I’m not suggesting that you owe your individual immaturity to such abstract generalizations, but it’s food for thought next time you find yourself with nothing but a throbbing hangover and morning-after regret. 

Marriage was once the threshold to adulthood. It wasn’t just something you wanted to do in a happily-ever-after sort of way, it was also something you needed to do to survive, but shifting gender roles and skyrocketing divorce rates came along and turned an economic necessity into a lifestyle option, and in so doing, unblazed the trail to official grown-up status. 

Things are different now. There is no clear demarcation line, but you know what? It’s better this way. Such things were always arbitrary. Forty years ago, a housewife in her mid-20s was no more a grown-up than you are today. She just thought she was, and ultimately her confusion resulted in things like daytime television, ennui, and the aforementioned skyrocketing divorce rates.

You’re just as confused, but don’t worry — that’s what your twenties are all about.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Best-Of Advice

On profanity

I find it amusing that you contradict your intelligent outlook on life by using stupid swear words all the time – especially when you’ve said in the past “I’m perfectly capable of expressing my emotional state with actual words.” – which really is the height of unintelligence, particularly when expressing yourself.  You remind me of some fourteen-year-olds I went to high school with who all thought they were so cool when they started to call each other bitches and sluts, and had extended their vocabulary to include words like fuck. Could you perhaps tell me the point of swearing so often? Do you even know?

I use profanity because I’m profane, you persnickety cunt.

When it comes to creative use of the language, swear words aren’t the height of unintelligence. Cliche and close-mindedness are, and sweetheart, you’re a walking close-minded cliche.

Someone has you convinced that vulgarity and irreverence are synonymous with stupidity when nothing could be further from the truth. Profanity is a weapon for someone like me. It’s a linguistic tool with a blunt face and a sharp edge. It’s dangerous and essential.

Find it amusing all you want, but you’re the smug little bitch going through life with your nose in the air, constantly judging others with a value system you haven’t even taken the time to examine.

Now that’s what I find amusing.

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Advice

On drawing a line

Dear Coquette,

My best friend and my roommate (who is also one of my best friends) started having sex last year. My roommate was cheating on his girlfriend at the time, and my best friend got pissed off when he chose his girlfriend over her. He got pissed off that she read more into their sex than he intended, even though I’m not so sure she did. After the giant explosion of drama that I only caught shock waves of because I was working out of state for the summer, they kind of made up. They’ve been sporadically having sex ever since.

Here’s where it gets especially stupid. 1) They have sex. 2) He starts feeling bad because when he remembers that he thinks she’s unintelligent and that he doesn’t respect her. (He has said this to me.) He gets defensive and starts acting like a complete jackass to her. 3) She sees him acting like a jackass so she starts acting like a jackass. She’s disappointed because she thought things had changed, since he was being nice to her right before the sex. 4) Their mutual jackassery makes it really difficult to be around them because they make everything super-awkward. Her roommate and I have to listen to them complain about each other all the time. 5) After about a month or so, he starts being nice to her again because he wants to get laid. 6) They have sex and it starts all over again.

It’s starting again, and I’m so incredibly tired of it. If they had the ability to act like adults, I’d be able to stay out of it because I wouldn’t be involved in the first place. So what am I “allowed” to say? Anything? Nothing?

Ugh. I’m sick of all three of you just from reading that drama.

This ridiculousness is under your roof, so you should feel free to say whatever you want. Go ahead and verbally spank them. I would. Actually, I would lay down the law. Neither of them would be allowed to speak ill of the other. No whining. No complaining. No jackassery whatsoever.

This isn’t about you telling them what to do. This is about you refusing to let them pollute your environment with chaos. This is about their actions having consequences that extend beyond the immediate swirling mess of their own dysfunctional relationship.

Of course, the two of them can do whatever they want. They are adults, after all. Still, they don’t get to cross the threshold of your home or your head with another cycle of negativity.

Just remember, you are not obligated to put up with their immaturity, nor do you have to involve yourself by picking sides. It really is that simple. Just draw a line and don’t let either one cross it. Let ’em know. You’re sick of their behavior, both of them, and you refuse to tolerate another round of childishness.

If they can’t live up to your very reasonable expectations, be prepared to go stone cold on them. Total radio silence. If they can’t respect you enough to keep it to themselves, then consider moving on.

At the end of the day, you’re the one responsible for having mature, emotionally healthy people in your life.


Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

I’m a boy and I want to buy some coketalk stuff too!
You can, dude. The fuck rings and coke rings come in size 8.5 for all the fellas.


Do you genuinely appreciate hearing from me? Do you REALLY?

Fuckin’ love it.

What is the difference between being promiscuous and being slutty?
Your vocabulary.

When will it stop hurting?
When you quit being a little emo bitch.

i’m hot but i don’t want to remove my awesome flying unicorn sweatshirt. WHAT DO I DO?
Don’t worry, you’re not hot.

Do you have Bieber Fever?
No. I’m still around 98 degrees. *zing*

how did you get so frackin wealthy?! Were you born into this? What do you do for a living?!
I work my fucking ass off, thank you very much. I was born with a lot of gifts, but money wasn’t one of them.

What’s your opinion on the Brandon Davies getting suspended from BYU sex scandal?
Brandon could’ve gone to Penn or Berkeley, but no, he is a Mormon who deliberately chose a religious school with an honor code that institutionalizes sexual repression, so fuck him. Tough shit. This is what he gets for belonging to that ridiculous cult.

I recently realized I’ve poured 5 years of my life into an education that means almost nothing in the real world… what the fuck do I do now?
Get a job.

What do you do when you realize you love your significant other more than they love you?
Embrace your vulnerability.

What’s the trick to life? I mean, what is your personal trick to feeling fulfilled more often than not?
It’s not a trick.

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Advice

On beginnings and endings.

The legal definition of death is the end of brain activity, right? So the definition of life must be the converse – the existence of brain activity. But since brain activity starts fairly early in utero, wouldn’t that render abortion at most stages … murder? I’m just reading “On The Religion Of Pro-Life” and this is an argument against abortion that isn’t about religion, it’s about legal consistency. I guess the missing warrant is that legal systems need to be internally consistent as a pre-requisite to treating people as moral equals, I just don’t understand how to reconcile the legal definition of life with the legal viability of abortion.

Just fyi, i’m totally pro-choice because i think individual liberty outweighs (and because my moral intuition demands it), i just want to know what you think about the legal issue.

I’ll grant you that legal consistency is important, but come on, it’s ridiculous to define neurogenesis in terms of neuronal necrosis. The beginning of life has nothing to do with the converse of “the end of brain activity.” You’re playing a semantic game with faulty logic to arrive at a wildly inappropriate conclusion, especially one that ends in murder.

The moral implications of terminating a pregnancy are much more akin to those in taking a family member off life support. If you suffer massive brain damage, reducing the level of your brain function to that of a human fetus, you’re a goner. Bummer, dude. I hope you signed your organ donor card.

If and when your next of kin make the decision to pull the plug, they aren’t committing murder. Likewise, when a woman makes the decision to terminate her pregnancy, she isn’t committing murder. There’s your legal consistency.

These are terrible decisions to have to make, but in both cases, we’re dealing with non-viable human brains that require equivalent levels of either ICU or in utero life support. I’m sorry, but a flicker of incoherent electrical activity in your grey matter doesn’t confer moral status as a living human being.

As always, it’s more complicated than that.

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