I just found nude pictures of my mom, addressed to a woman who was at her wedding. She has suggested in the past that this woman and her husband are swingers, but she said she’s “not into that”.

What the fuck do I do?

Put the pictures back where you found them. Make a mental note to never, ever look at them again. Take a deep breath, meditate for a moment on the fact that you owe your existence to your mom getting laid, and then laugh hysterically at the whole situation.

I’m a 25 year old female and had my very first orgasm tonight. I know that’s not a question, I just needed somewhere to gush.

Literally.

Congratulations, babe.

I just got into Yale! (I wrote about you for one of my essays, an influential person in my life.) Meet me in four years, at the graduation ceremony of the Class of ‘15?

Thanks, Coke Talk. For everything.

Congratu-fucking-lations! Send me the essay. I wanna read that shit.

Oh, and I promise, if LA hasn’t fallen off into the Pacific by the time you graduate, hop on out to the west coast and we’ll do a glass of champagne together at Bar Marmont.

Have a fucking blast in New Haven. Really. Devour as many fascinating and brilliant motherfuckers as you possibly can. Book and Snake it up, bitch.

So this is a follow up to your bad boy question. So say that you are in college and you find this guy who is the token bad boy. For a couple weeks he gives you the impression that he wants to hook up with like texting you, touching you and even knocking on your window at five am. Then he decides to stop even acknowledging you. What the fuck is this kids deal?

Please, for the love of all that is unholy, don’t ever put me in a position where I have to type the words, “He’s just not that into you.”

I mean, seriously.

There’s this dude I totally want to fuck at school. I’m in high school, for clarity. The problem is, he’s from ‘that’ crowd. The group of kids who’re never actually at school, or completely high when they are. He gets in fights all the time.

And I really want to fuck him. I’ve never been attracted to men like him. This isn’t a badass phase for me. Him in particular I want to fuck.

So how do I do it, and simultaneously ensure nobody will ever know? Is it too much trouble? He’s sensible enough to use protection, etc. Is there any way I can pull this off, or should I abandon the notion?

It’s a “bad boy” phase, not a “badass” phase, and don’t fucking kid yourself, that is exactly what this is for you.

Every last one of you bitches think you’re not attracted to “men like him” the first time out. Sure, your bad boy is special. He’s different. You want to fuck him in spite of all the chaos and drama, not because of it.

Yeah, right.

Trust me, little sister. You are entering a world of hurt.

The least predictable thing on the planet is a teenage boy who’s high and violent, and if you’re concerned with issues of propriety and secrecy, then you’re an idiot to get involved with one that goes to your school.

I don’t care how pretty he is, don’t fuck him. There’s a time and a place for getting a little taste of bad boy. Graduate first, and then we’ll talk.

“the wrong-headed assholes in the religious right will never be content to live and let live. They’re the ones fucking with my reproductive rights and gay people’s civil rights and everyone else’s rights not to be routinely poisoned by ignorance.”

you seem like one who would like to characterize yourself as someone who doesn’t judge or put other people into stereotypes. I don’t know who you think you are or your personal experiences with people who are “religious” but you lumping all religious people into one category is ridiculous. sorry dear, but i’m religious and i’m not taking away your rights, neither is my mom, my pastor or my religious friends. Your being stereotypical and making anyone who is religious out to be the bad guy. thats like me saying “anyone who isn’t religious is ruining the world.” Yeah… no.

I’m not lumping religious people into one category. I’m lumping the religious right into one category, but since you don’t understand the difference between stereotyping and being stereotypical, I’d hardly expect you to get the distinction.

I don’t give a flying fuck about your personal beliefs, my dear. If you need a messiah, that’s your business. You, your mom, your pastor, and all your religious friends can go speak in tongues for all I care, but the second you politicize your religious beliefs, you’ve crossed the line.

You say you’re not taking away my rights, but with your hand on the bible, could you honestly swear that you wouldn’t vote against gay marriage? Could you honestly swear that you wouldn’t vote against my reproductive rights?

Yeah, no.

Don’t talk to me about being stereotypical, you ignorant twit. You don’t even know what that shit means.

What do you think about people who kind of brag about growing up poor, like it somehow was a badge of honor that they survived it?  I grew up poor and don’t find anything particularly noble about it, other than the fact that we eventually crawled out of it due to privilege. I’m not even sure why I’m asking this, other than it pops into my head whenever some Libertarian starts talking about “boot straps” and “personal liberty.”

It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin’ on the porch with my family, singin’ and dancin’ down in Mississippi…

I agree with your description of nihilism, but that particular post about the lawyer sat uncomfortably with me, too, particularly in terms of the voice I’ve come to expect from this blog.

I’m not sure if it’s because you previously mentioned never to let politics get in the way of family, or if it’s because you come off a little as a liberal who judges others aren’t as liberal as you. I’m sure the irony of that isn’t lost on you, but it’s always a been a bug bear of mine, this pseudo-liberal elitist attitude of today’s outspoken.

Live and let live must apply to everyone, even those that are wrong, in order for it to be an effective attitude.

Not quite, bitch.

Live and let live must be applied by everyone, especially those that are wrong, in order for it to be an effective attitude.

Unfortunately, the wrong-headed assholes in the religious right will never be content to live and let live. They’re the ones fucking with my reproductive rights and gay people’s civil rights and everyone else’s rights not to be routinely poisoned by ignorance.

If they would just let us live our lives, we would be happy to let them live theirs. Speaking for all the pseudo-liberal elitists, we’d love nothing more than to kick back and let those sanctimonious pricks be wrong all day long, but we can’t, because they insist on politicizing their imaginary friend in the sky.

They’re the one trying to tell us how to live, not the other way around, so fuck your bug bear, fuck it right in its hairy ass until it sits uncomfortably with the irony that you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.

I’ve been reading your blog several months now, and I noticed that you often explain things in two ways that seem somewhat contradictory.

You write, “Anyone with the slightest sense of scale recognizes that nothing we do matters. In a universe so infinitely vast, our lives are entirely without meaning. The trick is being able to laugh at the abyss because you recognize the freedom it affords you,” but you also say things like in the last post about the importance of integrity.

I really am not attacking what you say, because I agree with both. I just am wondering how you (and I) can reconcile those two seemingly contradictory things. How can someone do whatever the hell they want, but with integrity? Isn’t that lawyer who works against gay marriage just doing whatever the hell he wants, because it pays the bill and “nothing we do matters”?

Honestly, I’m not sticking up for that person or trying to defend him, because I think that his job is pretty disgusting. But how can something be morally inappropriate through a nihilistic lens?

Just because nothing matters, that doesn’t mean you get to be a dick.

Nihilism isn’t moral relativism. The freedom that comes from embracing your insignificance has no bearing on morality. You’re still a human being. You still have a conscience. You are still obligated to play well with others.

Nobody gets to do whatever the hell they want. We live in a world filled with traffic lights and tax forms, and only sociopaths think their personal philosophy somehow nullifies the social contract.

There is no contradiction, because your universal insignificance itself becomes insignificant when faced with the day to day pursuit of happiness.

Shit doesn’t have to matter in any grand scheme for you to be a good person leading a happy life. It’s like, the impending abyss is always there, but fuck it.

Be cool and have a sandwich.