Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

What is one of your sexual fantasies? Go ahead, be vulnerable.
Being able to lose my innocence again.

How long does it take to get famous?
These days, not nearly long enough.

I’m very lost. I’m very sad. I’m very confused. I’m very sober.
Stay off Hollywood Boulevard, because you’re just how Scientology likes ‘em.


I’ve recently started having sex. Everyone says that by the third or fourth time, it starts feeling good. But it still hurts like a bitch. What do I do?

Use lube. Slow down. Quit letting your inexperienced boyfriend fuck shit up.

He told me to fuck off, I cried for a week straight and now he’s banging on my door drunk and calling me. What do I do?
Pick a better one next time.

What is up with all your Ghandi-like advice lately?
Same as it ever was, babe. If my shit seems different, it’s your enlightenment, not mine. Welcome to the party.

Do you care about your readers ?
Of course I do. How the fuck would this be possible if I didn’t?

How do I let go of the only guy I’ve ever loved?
Quit using the words only and ever.

Have you ever cheated on someone?
Fuck no.

Are you Alexi Wasser?
Why do you all keep asking me this? No disrespect to everybody’s favorite hipster manic pixie dream girl, but if you can’t tell the glaring and fundamental differences between her thing and mine, please stay the fuck out of our city.

ok so if Ayn Rand is methadone, than what would be pure, state-sponsored heroin (like they have in Switzerland)?
Oh, come on. What’s always been the opiate of the masses? Religion.

I’m thinking of coming out to my extended family over Thanksgiving dinner. Should I do it before or after dessert, and with or without graphic details of why I am getting a sex change?
Don’t make Thanksgiving dinner all about your giblets. That’s tacky. Let everyone finish their pie before telling them about the sex change.

bitch, im gonna put your shit on a tshirt and sell it to your whole blog. What’re you gonna do? Sue me? Good! Then we will know who you are.
Bitch, if you think lawyers are my weapon of choice, you haven’t been paying attention. Not that it matters. My fans would know better than to buy your shit.

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Best-Of Advice

On loneliness

i’m going through a lot of shit right now, and i just need to tell someone who is a complete third party who doesn’t know me who isn’t my dad just trying to give advice or my friends who don’t actually give a shit. but i’m trying not to make any definitive statements, because that’s a serious flaw i have.

anyway, i’m not happy, basically. the cure seems pretty fucking simple. be happy in the present moment, don’t take anything for granted, be grateful for your lucky ass life (i mean, i really am lucky to have everything i have. it’s not like i’m poor on the streets), be kind and blah blah.

but i’m going through a serious dilemma of having friends. one of my tumblr friends just said, “fuck ‘em. if people wanna be your friend they will be, you just have to be content living with yourself.” which i agree with but i don’t know. i don’t HAVE to be completely alone just because. it seems when i do make efforts to hang out with the people i’ve met (i’m in college away from home, by the way. third year) they seem to have an excuse. i don’t think i’m trying hard enough but if they make an excuse but never ask me back to hang out later, shouldn’t i take the hint?

 

You need to separate the idea of loneliness from the idea of being alone.

Loneliness is the negative emotion you feel when you are disconnected from others. Being alone is merely not being in the physical presence of others.

You can be lonely in a room full of people you call friends. You can also feel connected to every other living soul while still being completely by yourself.

Once you separate loneliness from being alone, you can better analyze the true nature of your underlying emotions. Are you reacting to genuine loneliness, or are you reacting to the social stigma attached to the experience of being alone? They are two totally different problems.

Once you understand the difference, instead of trying to remedy loneliness by not being alone, you’ll start to remedy loneliness by connecting with others.

The difference may seem subtle, but it’s everything.

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Best-Of Advice

On your inner child

Sometimes, in the midst of a brand-new relationship, I’m plagued by the sound of my mother’s voice, coupled with my screaming ovaries and the emotional stability of a 13-year old inner child, I get confused. I forget what’s important. I forget myself. And what/who could be enchanting/enchanted for the next 5-10-50 years. So can you help me quiet the anxious voices? Just long enough to be enchanting?

First of all, your inner child is the most emotionally stable part about you. Your inner child is that little girl who can still find utter joy in the present moment. She’s the always smiling kid who isn’t worried about yesterday’s bullshit or what’s gonna happen tomorrow. The whole fucking world is her candy store.

Your inner child is not that confused, angst-ridden thirteen year old you have in your head. That version of yourself is just a projection of your anxiety. So is the voice of your mother. So are your screaming ovaries. None of them are real. They are just manifestations of negativity, complete figments of your imagination.

But your inner child is very real, and you can always count on that kooky little bitch to save the day. Find her. Listen to her. I promise, if it’s enchantment you seek, she will show it to you wherever you are. If you want to be enchanting, she’s the one that will make you glow from the inside out, and all will notice.

When you find yourself plagued by confusion and anxiety, take a step back in your mind and invite your inner child out to play instead.

Take a deep breath, and let her make fun of you for a quick second for being worried about something as ridiculous as the next fifty years or as useless as your mother’s nagging voice.

Shake it off, and then let her play or laugh or sing or dance. Hell, let her do whatever spontaneous happy thing she wants, because I guarantee, the kid knows how to have fun no matter where she is.

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Advice

On merchandising.

Just letting you know my love, you need to make a fuckin’ T-Shirt already.

Thanks, babe. That’s not my style. My shit’s not gonna get screened onto American Apparel.

If I ever decided to put out a line, seamstresses would be involved. Some lucky designer would get to cross brands with me and make a funky fresh high fashion love child. Bitches would be able to write me questions on the wall by the Coke Talk racks at Opening Ceremony.

I don’t fuck around.

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Advice

On a man’s world

Is it a mans world? btw I love you. Your blunt honesty makes me rethink the world and makes me want to be more observant and take better care of myself. thanks. but is it a man’s world in your opinion?

It’s not a man’s world. It’s not a woman’s world. Don’t even let your mind think like that. Gender isn’t meant to oppose and compete.

This is your world. The only one you’ve got, and you’re sharing it with seven billion other people. Don’t define it by our differences.

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On owning that shit

What color manicure should I get? I want gold but I think it’s too much. I’d have to wear it to a wedding… maybe I’ll do purple like i ALWAYS DO or do fucking pale pink. Thoughts?

Bitch, if those nails aren’t gold at that wedding, you’re fired from life.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

When did you first become passionate about writing? What led to your interest?
Oxygen and orgasms, my friend. When it comes to writing, you might as well be asking about breathing or fucking.


Why do you think it’s getting colder as we go higher up in the atmosphere even though we are getting closer to the sun!?

Well, Violent J, that’s an excellent question — for a fifth grader. Maybe if you didn’t use lead-based face paint, these kinds of things wouldn’t confuse you. Good luck with those fucking magnets.


Ugh I’m such a fucking procrastinator. Advice?

Not right now.


Is dating your supervisor wrong?

If it’s a job requirement.

Any advice for maintaining a long-distance relationship?
Shorten the distance.


Yeah you are oozing with privilege. Fuck you.

Yeah. Fuck me. That’s the way to handle it.

Do you think girls and guys can be friends?
Of course they can, and the underlying premise of this all-too-common question and the infantile assumptions it makes about gender, interpersonal relationships, and human sexuality well and truly break my fucking heart.


What would you do if all recreational drugs, including alcohol, disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow?

Ridiculously stupid thought experiments like this only demonstrate your gross misunderstanding of chemistry, biology, and human nature. The fucking tragedy is that this kind of retarded thinking has been shaping US drug policy for years.

Reading Atlas Shrugged right now, your thoughts on it?
I consider Rand and her philosophy to be the epistemological equivalent of methadone. A controlled dose of objectivism is a hell of a lot better than the dirty street junk most people shoot into their arms, but it’s still no way to live.

Am I a bad feminist because I used to be anorexic?
Absolutely not. You’re a bad feminist for hating women. Well, one woman actually. Yourself. Quit it. You haven’t done anything wrong, girl. You are never your disease. Ever. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself instead.

I’ve been working my ass off for years trying to get where I want to be in life. It’s not working, and it’s starting to seem like it never will start working. When do I throw in the towel and settle for mediocrity?
Mediocrity isn’t a measure of your title or your tax bracket, fucko. It’s a measure of your state of mind. Never settle for mediocrity.

What are your thoughts on using coke to lose weight?
Please don’t do stupid shit like this. You will build up an addiction, fuck up your brain chemistry, and wreak havoc on your cardiovascular system ten times over before the appetite suppressing effects of cocaine will aid you in losing any actual weight.

How do you feel about trying to seduced engaged men? Engaged isn’t married right?
Marital status is immaterial. It’s not okay to willfully inflict chaos on other people’s relationships. Come on, this is basic fucking golden rule integrity. Would you want selfish cunts seducing your fiance? No? Then don’t be a selfish cunt.

Do you participate in the Black Friday madness?
If by participate, you mean run an annual death pool on the number of shopping related fatalities (including miscarriages), then yes, I suppose I do participate.

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Advice

On the four agreements

I have an old friend that I see very rarely. I’ve known him for years, but have seen him only three times the past year. I recently saw him around town and he was very short with me. I wrote him a message that night apologizing if I pissed him off in some way and said he should come hang. A month later, he replied with “You’ve tainted all of my interests in life. Fuck you (my name). I hate you.” What the fuck? I need a witty response for this shit.

No you don’t. This is one of those instances where you need a quick reminder of each of the Four Agreements.

First, be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Sure, you could fire off a bitchy counter-reply, but is that going to be a good use of of your word? Would it do any good at all?

Second, but perhaps most importantly, don’t take anything personally. Remember, you’ve only seen this guy a few times in past year. The shit he’s talking may be at you, but it’s not about you. Whatever his reason for lashing out, it’s not you. Never was, never will be.

Third, don’t make assumptions. You clearly don’t know what’s going on with him, so now is not the time for a witty response. He slapped you with a cry-for-help style attention-seeking email. Either open up communication by asking legitimate questions about why he’s in pain, or just ignore it altogether and stay the fuck out of his problems.

Finally, always do your best. Your best is gonna change from moment to moment. Sometimes, talking shit right back would be the best thing you can do. Not in this instance, though. I don’t know your capabilities, but a simple forgive and forget situation may be in order here.

Trust me. Take the high road on this one. This guy sounds like he’s hurting pretty bad. I doubt you want to get involved as a shoulder to cry on, but there’s no need to add fuel to the fire either.

Just let it go.

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On being a kept woman

I’m pretty sure I just want to marry a rich man and never work a day in my life. Thoughts?

A little wish thinking is fine every once in a while if you’re stuck in traffic or run out of magazines at the airport, but why imagine yourself as somebody’s lap dog?

This kind of bullshit only highlights how poisonous the prince charming myth really is. For fuck’s sake, even in your fantasy world, you aren’t the captain of your own fortune.

The least you could do is fantasize about falling deeply in love and then winning the lottery. It’s a subtle difference, but the difference is everything.

Now, if this really is your primary life goal, to be kept like a fucking pet, then you have my deepest condolences on the loss of your dignity, independence, and personhood.

There’s a small chance that you’ll find redemption in some transformative life experience.

It’s probably too late for your mother, though.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun sized advice

What do you have against adverbs?
Nothing. I don’t have anything against beer either, but these are college kids. We’re not talking about a couple of cold ones after work. We’re talking about keg stands in a frat house basement.

I have a crush and it’s distracting me from achieving my goals, what should I do?
Choose.

What does it take to be successful in this day and age?
Success.

bitch, i fucking love you. come to vegas and party with me.
Tiger Woods, quit actin’ all divorced and shit.

Why do I like watching America’s Next Top Model?
Because one day, smoldering cracks will appear under Tyra’s cheekbones. Her hair will burst into flames and her demon mask will melt away with a sulphured glow as the models and judges run screaming for their lives, and on that day, you will be watching.

Suck my motherfucking dick you dumb fucking scumbag whore.
Look down at your WWJD bracelet and know that you’re doing it wrong.

What response can you give to a nosy relative who keeps telling you that you’re not acting prim, proper and ladylike?
Sweetheart, you’re basically asking for a transcript of my Thanksgiving holiday.

I hate Sarah Palin, she’s a fucking idiot. Why am I so jealous of Bristol?
You’re not jealous of Bristol. You’re envious of her, which means you resent and feel desire for her perceived advantages. Both feeling that way and not knowing the difference kinda makes you an idiot too.

This guy gives me vibes that he really likes me, kisses me, but now he tells me he just wants to be friends and to keep our options open. WTF?
Yeah, that’s how it goes. What do you want? Go write some country music.

Are you concerned about levamisole turning up in your nose candy? I certain am.
Ugh. You’re the girl who asks if it’s okay to take more than one Aleve for the headache she got from blowing a half dozen rails up the same nostril. Babe. It’s fucking cocaine. The shit’s already dangerous. How are you this easy to scare?

You’re getting predictable and boring.
I’m glad you said something. I’ve felt the same way for a while now. In fact, I’m relieved I can finally get this off my chest — I think we should break up. We can still follow each other, but I think it’s time we both started reading other blogs. No, wait. Please don’t cry. I know you can be mature about this.

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