Best-Of Advice

On existential crisis management

I don’t know what the shit to do with my life. I feel like all along since childhood I’ve been bred and pressured into conventional views of success: I graduated from one of the top high schools in the nation, then from an Ivy League institution with a degree in Biology. Since then I’ve managed to earn my freedom from my overbearing parents and am paying for all my bills myself. But now that this freedom has all come at once (along with adult obligation), I’m at a sudden loss at what to do with my life. I want to pursue my dreams, but they’re so vague since it seems that side of me has become retarded from lack of nurturing as I forced myself to take classes in subjects I didn’t enjoy. After many, many intense arguments I’ve finally been told I can do what I like. But now I feel like I’ve spent so much time rebelling that I no longer have a cause. What the fuck should I do with myself?

Congratulations on your first existential crisis.

I’m guessing that you’re single with no kids, otherwise you’d be too busy to bother with this kind of thing so early. I’m also guessing that you’ve spent your life surrounded by hollow institutions.

You were raised in a church, but you have no religion. You knew your place in respectable society, but you have no sense of community. You’ve been a typical consumer who’s never really needed anything. Yeah, that shit never helps.

So now what? Have a dream? Find a cause? As you said, all you know about are goals. Hell, you don’t even know where to start shopping for the stuff you need.

Now you’re asking me for directions, like I’m some blue vested Walmart greeter who’ll point you down aisle nine and tell you the dreams and causes are between the sporting goods and the kitchen appliances, right next to the American Idol Karaoke Machines.

Sorry, dude. We’re fresh out of dreams, and we sold our last cause to a bunch of mouth-breathing fundamentalists who didn’t see that it was well past its expiration date. You’re on your own. It’s likely that you’ll run out the clock on your remaining half century and never know what it’s like to belong to something greater than yourself.

That’s not a bad thing, really. You can still enjoy yourself without any canned causes, and life will definitely be less ordinary without any cheap, storebought dreams.

Just be your own person. All you need to do is figure yourself out. Pull focus on that hazy homemade shit. Sharpen those dreams up. You know, the ones that feed your soul when nodody’s looking. Chase after ‘em for a little while, even if there’s no hope of supporting yourself financially in the process.

Don’t worry. This is usually what passes for a period of self-exploration in our generation. Go for it now, while your still young. If you’re lucky, you’ll stumble onto a greater purpose.

Be careful, though. Our generation has no attention span and very little discipline, so a period of self-exploration can often degrade into a period of self-indulgence. Unless you’ve got a trust fund, I don’t recommend periods of self-indulgence.

Oh, and one more thing. This is important, too. What’s all this about being told you can do what you like? As if finally, someone gave you permission to be yourself. That’s bullshit. I’m happy for you and all, but you need to change up the way you see your circumstances. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do what you want. You never did.

Until you have kids you are beholden to no one, not even your overbearing parents. Remember, if you allow someone to grant you your freedom, you’re not really free.

Internalize that. Until you believe that shit at a core level, you’ll never feel right going after your dreams.

Good luck with the existential crisis. I hope you figure it all out.

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Advice

On fading out.

My boyfriend and I of a year broke up a couple of months ago. We love each other very much, it just wasn’t working for us. We had a very clean break up and promised to stay friends. Although, lately we have been growing distant and we really have nothing to talk about. I really did want us to stay close for years to come. Any thoughts?

There’s no disrespect in both of you just letting shit go. It was a clean break, after all. Don’t fuck it up now.

It’s better to fade out and remember each other fondly than try and force some awkward post-relationship relationship.

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Advice

On shutting the fuck up.

I’m a 17 year old, relatively cute girl. Finding a date isn’t hard for me, but keeping a date is impossible. Things tend to go well until they find out I’m bisexual. There have been people who have flat-out told me that being bisexual was the issue and there have been people who immediately cut me out of their life upon my mini “coming out” with no goodbye.

Some assume that just because I appreciate both sexes I must be a giant, unfaithful slut. Others are certain that I’m an attention seeking, straight-as-an-arrow girl with daddy issues.

I’m neither and I hate that people assume I’m lying or incapable of a monogamous relationship, like it’s incomprehensible that I’m not attracted to strictly one sex.

Should I just avoid telling partners about my sexuality and hope for the best?

You’re bisexual. Whoop-dee-fuckin’-doo. Quit making such a big deal out of it.

It’s just like a self-centered teenager to think people should give her extra credit for swinging both ways. It’s even more like a teenager to assume that everyone else is assuming all kinds of dramatic things about her sexuality.

I think you’d be surprised how little people actually give a fuck. Trust me, if you can’t keep a date at your age, it’s not because you’re bisexual. It’s because you’re annoying.

And yes. Shut the fuck up about your sexuality. Mini coming outs? How tacky. Not only is it nobody else’s business, but no one likes a drama queen.

Have some discretion and tact. With a little emotional maturity, I think you’ll find people will stop running for the hills.

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Advice

On my permission.

the past couple of months i’ve been thinking (almost non-stop, it seems) about fucking many of my guy friends. i know a lot of attractive men, and i entertain myself imagining how fun it would be to fuck them. i live in an area where “traditional values” are the norm, and any girl that has sex with more than one dude is automatically considered little miss sexual deviant. that said, i must admit that i really don’t give a damn what some sexually-deprived half-wit has to say about me and my sexual appetite. so, should i go for the platter of tempting man meat in front of me (especially if my boyfriend gives me the go-ahead) or continue to sit with my legs crossed and pretend i’m not a sexual being?

What? You want my permission or something? Go fuck.

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Advice

On the best girls.

WHY, oh, WHY, must all the best girls be straight?

Gay girls bitching that all the best girls are straight is just as silly as straight girls bitching that all the best boys are gay.

In either case, it usually means the girl doing the bitching has a taste for forbidden fruit. Is that it? Is there a ripe, delicious peach just out of arm’s length? Mmm. It looks so good up there, glistening and ready to be plucked. If only you could reach up and grab it.

Oh please, straight pussy doesn’t taste any sweeter than gay pussy. If you think it does, it’s all in your head. Maybe you love a challenge. Maybe it’s a bit of self-sabotage to prevent you from being in a position where you’re truly vulnerable.

Whatever it is, chill the fuck out and recognize that you’re the one making a problem for yourself. After all, the best girls are the ones that love you back.

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Advice

On small town politics.

The neighbor’s boy is stalking me. I’m 17, and I live in a small, religious town. I dated this guy when I was 15, and since we went to the same church I told him that Jesus wanted me to be single.

Now he’s following me to work, school, church, pretty much anywhere I go. I went for a drive in the country and he followed me for two hours straight. My parents think it’s cute, and his dad is the chief of police.

It was tolerable (horrid, but tolerable), but now I have an intelligent, older boyfriend from a nearby city. And he’s getting creepier. He’s talking to me about the things he sees me do and how Jesus wouldn’t like it (bong hits) but I don’t have any way out of this rat-trap town other than moving in with my boyfriend. My 21-year-old, college-educated boyfriend who just so happens to love a 17-year-old girl from a pop. 900 town.

I’m country, not stupid. How the fuck do I get safe or get out?

A town of 900 people has a police force? You mean three guys who share a shotgun and rusty crown vic, right? Seriously, don’t be intimidated by your town’s chief of police. There are mall cops with more jurisdictional authority than him.

If I were you, my first step would be to type this boy a letter expressing your concerns. Explain in no uncertain terms that he is making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, and that you consider him to be a stalker.

Cite every specific example of his inappropriate behavior that you can remember, and formally express your desire for him to leave you alone. Make it clear, you wish there to be no further contact between the two of you.

Cc both your parents and the boy’s father on the letter. They each get a copy. Give the letter to your parents first, and let them know that you intend to hand deliver the boy’s copy and his father’s copy directly to the father in his capacity as chief of police.

At this point, your parents will probably freak out and have an opinion on the matter. Be strong. It’s time for them to take you seriously. You’re sick of being followed around, and you feel unsafe. This shit isn’t cute, and they either help protect you in their own way or allow you to deal with it yourself. If your father is half a man, he’ll go down to the police station with you.

Assuming your parents don’t have any better ideas, drive on down to the police station and ask for ten minutes of the chief’s time. Hand over the letters. Be respectful. Be firm. Explain that as both the chief of police and the boy’s father, he’s getting a copy. Ask him to deliver the letter to his son and thank him for taking care of the matter.

That’s really all you need to do. The letter is a powerful thing. You’ve started a paper trail. It’s tangible. It’s a record of events. It’s evidence. It will force a conversation between father and son, and I can almost guarantee that it will be enough to change things in your favor all on its own.

In a small town, something like this is better than a restraining order. After all, small town personal politics runs on embarrassment, and as chief of police, he’ll understand that this is a warning shot.

He’ll see that you’re the type who documents things, and he won’t want the next round of letters going to the church or the town council.


(Oh, and if you end up writing this thing, I’ll be happy to look it over for you.)

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Advice

On nuking your lady parts.

I just saw the one on permanent birth control, and I followed your (excellent) advice and looked at the Essure website, because I’m in the same boat.

Everything looked dandy until I read the part that said, “Essure does not contain hormones to interfere with your natural menstrual cycle. Your periods should more or less continue in their natural state.”

What. The. Eff.

So, a woman can be free from having to worry about pregnancy but still has to go through the pointless monthly hell that is a period? What fucking genius came up with this shit, because I can guarantee you it wasn’t a woman.

This is what pisses me off: Why has no one yet found a cure for the common rag? We have drugs that can make an old man’s dick unnaturally hard, drugs that will keep a dude from going bald, drugs that keep old men from having to embarrass themselves by needing to drain the liz’ every 10 minutes, and so on. And yet, Western medicine is unable to do something about an incredibly annoying and often painful condition that affects half of the population of this planet? Really?

Yeah, you can take birth control for months straight and not have a period (I’ve been doing this for years), but that’s merely a side effect that was never the intention of the makers of the pill, and leaves the women whose bodies do not tolerate birth control or who cannot afford pills in the first place with no options to stop aunt flo’s monthly visits. Why haven’t researchers come up with something that stops the cycle altogether when a woman has no need for it, and is affordable and within reach for all women?

What you want is called endometrial ablation. They basically nuke your lady parts with a James Bond style laser.

A good friend of mine had the procedure, and she swears by it. Admittedly, she was done having kids and had a couple other issues that made it necessary, but she couldn’t be happier with the results. No more periods. None.

The biological imperative to reproduce is a strong one, ladies. No need to get pissed at the boys for having Viagra. Just do your research. We live in an age where if you can dream it, there’s a laser that will do it.

Remember, you’re battling nature here. That bitch knows how to put up a fight.

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Advice

On permanent birth control.

Why can’t birth control be free?

I am an intelligent, self supported adult who hates children. Recently, the price of my Nuvaring was jacked up so high that even with insurance, the copay is is like a monthly kidney punch. I can’t find a clinic who will tie my tubes under my insurance- if I could, I’d be sealed off in a heartbeat. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough- but that’s my point. It shouldn’t BE a hassle to prevent pregnancy. I’ve been in a relationship for a few years, and we don’t WANT to use condoms- both because we just don’t like them and we’d go through them like tic tacs if we did begrudgingly wrap the wang each and every time. I think that birth control that people might actually WANT to use should be free- considering that the world is grossly overpopulated and that 90% of the breeders out there shouldn’t be allowed to procreate in the first place.

Fuck, it’s ridiculous. I’m sure if I lobotomized myself and started popping out brats, the government would shell out all kinds of resources to help me support them- why can’t they make it easier to prevent them? Is it really so expensive to mass produce a generic version of the pill?

Any advice on the easiest method of sterilization for a lower middle class individual with health insurance?

Have you looked into the Essure procedure? It’s less expensive, non-surgical, and permanent. Theoretically, it’s also covered by your insurance.

Check out their website. Find a doctor who’ll pair up with your coverage and work with you to keep costs low.

Never be afraid to haggle with your insurance company. It’s their job to automatically say no, but if you end up speaking to actual human beings who understand math, ask them to add up the costs to the company for your birth control regimen over the next five years.

Better yet, ask them what their average costs are for pre-natal care these days. Show them it makes sense to drop a little up-front coin on something like this.

Good luck, and don’t let the hassle grind you down.

(Oh, and have you gone to Planned Parenthood? If you wanna stick with Nuvaring or the pill, word on the street is they give away free shit to those who qualify.)

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Advice

On making me laugh.

Of course you are white. Seriously. You wouldn’t have such an overstated trendy little thing for Obama’s dick if you weren’t. I love you, but seriously.

Whoever wrote this, I love you too. I’m so glad there are people like you out there getting the joke.

I almost started taking this shit seriously for a second, and then you went and cracked me up.

Thank you. I needed that.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice.

Why did you not answer my question?
I got over a thousand questions last month. It’s nothing personal.

Why are you so cranky and bitchy?
That’s how I react to stupidity.

Are you addicted to cigarettes?
Nope. I smoke when I’m with smokers.


What do you think of men like tucker max?

Men? No, no. Those are boys.


Do you think that we are all bisexual people?

That assumes only two genders.


I’m pregnant. How do I tell him?

After the abortion.


How do you tell your best friend that her boyfriend is truly unfortunate looking?

Start off by being shallow and then say something condescending that you’ll regret later.


Do you think Chuck Taylor shoes are sexy on girls?

On girls, sometimes yes. Oddly enough, never on guys.

Your hatred for cats is completely understandable. But do you hate dogs, too?
I love puppies! Puppies, puppies, puppies!

Young woman learning to be a bartender; any tips?
Cleavage and a smile, babe.

Why isn’t life as exciting as a Gossip Girl episode?
Gossip Girl? You have very low standards.


What is the difference between Republicans and Democrats?

Nascar.

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