Advice

On rebounding.

Dilemma: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and my only sexual partner ever. Guy I barely know but have talked to occasionally over the past 3 years wants to fuck. He’s wanted to since we met but I was in said relationship. Now potential fuck is an up-and-coming big shot NYC photographer with a 200k car. I’ve always been pretty conservative but I’m feeling like it would be fun just to fuck this guy and help get rid of the sexual attachment to the ex. Bad move?

This isn’t a dilemma. It’s an opportunity to have some fun. Fuck him if you want. Enjoy yourself. Rebound a little. Don’t get emotionally attached, though. Artists who drive outrageously expensive cars are inevitably damaged goods.

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Advice

On love and war.

He cheated.

We were married with kids, he left me for her, now he keeps coming around (calling daily) saying he wants to be “friends.”

He’s still with her.

Sometimes (okay, regularly) he still wants to fuck me.

I admit, I still love him, which I realize probably makes me a total retard.

I’m ashamed to ask: do you think he’ll eventually try to come back?

But really, what should I do? Grow a pair and get over it? Then what? Ignore him?

Or is it okay to be vulnerable in this case (long term marriage + kids + I still love him = hard habit to break) and hold out hope?

And importantly: can I justify telling her (that he and I are still fucking) just to spite her? Or must I keep that to myself to preserve civility for the sake of our kids? Because yeah, I want her to suffer a bit.

Help, please.

If you had brass balls, you’d seduce her and then break the news to him.

Short of that, you should feel free to tell her all about the hot hot sex you’re still having with your ex-husband. In fact, take some pictures and show her. This is one of those all’s-fair-in-love-and-war type situations, so go ahead and ruin their relationship. It’s not like he doesn’t deserve it.

You’re the mother of his children, so for better or worse you’re stuck with him for life. He’s also stuck with you, which means you can totally get away with giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Don’t ever count on getting him back, though. That’s not the point. Fuck him. You shouldn’t take him back if he comes crawling. Maybe for the sake of the kids, but you know what? That ain’t gonna happen.

This isn’t about you holding out hope. This about you taking back control. This is about you having some fucking self respect.

No matter what else happens, you have to get over him. It’s tricky because he’ll always be in your life, but you have to move on.

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Advice

On a jezebel death match.

Dear Ms. Talk,

I was thinking about a fight to the death between you and any random Jezebel staff writer.  I figure you’d win, but was wondering. What would some of your key moves be?

Cordially,
Florence Nightingale

Dearest Flo,

Does it really have to be a fight to the death?

I mean shit, if we gotta go thunderdome style I’ll be sure to bring my knives, but before we get all “two bitches enter, one bitch leaves,” can’t we just start off with a little creamed corn bikini wrestling?

It’s not that I’m afraid of a little blood, it’s just that I’ve always thought Tracie Egan was kinda hot, and I’d much rather pin her luscious body between my slippery thighs than crush her skull with an IBM Selectric in a post-apocalyptic cage match, you know?

Sex over violence, is all I’m saying. Think about the the pay-per-view revenue.

Yours in sin,

Coke Talk

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Advice

On bucking the fuck up

Do you ever actually put yourself in other people’s shoes? You tell people to, but the thing is, you’re self described as smart, well-off, hot, and cool, and desirable as hell. Most of the rest of us aren’t. How are we seriously supposed to be able to behave and act the same way you do, and carry ourselves with your crazy confidence, and live our lives with so much dignity and confidence that you do, when most of us are barely one of those things? Get off your high horse sometimes and realize that most of us don’t possess the qualities you have, and it’s not because we haven’t tried hard enough or we’re spending too much self pitying. It’s because that’s the way it fucking is.

Get off my high horse? Fuck you.

Quit whining and do something fabulous with your life. You have an internet connection and a firm grasp of the English language. That’s already more than most.

I’m sorry that you didn’t win the genetic lottery, but tough shit. Most people are ugly, and none of us are as pretty as the freaks on TV. Get over it.

Buck up and have some fucking character. Chisel the chip off your shoulder and develop a little personal style.

Be interesting. Be positive. Be your own person.

Remember, dignity and confidence doesn’t flow from beauty. Beauty flows from dignity and confidence.

That’s the way it fucking is.

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Best-Of Advice

On new levels of stupidity

i am currently dating a few guys, and have been proposed to by two (one, i think because the other one did). guy#1 is my best friend, but he is a little small in the undies department. he has never left me unsatisfied… HE is the one who has a problem with it… and trust me, he knows how to use it.  he is even willing to let me have other “friends” to make up for his inadequacies.

guy#2-makes more money, is adequately sized (although he claims he is “bigger than average” which he is NOT). He and I have been friends for a long time, and I am not sure if he only asked me because he feels that is what i want because the other guy proposed first.

what do i do? you will tell me straight.

I think you should finish getting your Ph.D. in astrophysics from Caltech.

Really, I don’t know what the guys at the Jet Propulsion Lab would do without you if you decided to give up your budding career as a rocket scientist just to marry a man with a slightly less than average penis.

I know, at the moment nothing seems more important than choosing your life partner based on the size of his genitalia, but have you considered what a blow this will be to the scientific community? A mind like yours, wasted on a man who is “a little small in the undies department.”

Please, I’m begging you, for the sake of humanity, don’t allow yourself to be distracted by suitors of middling girth like some common shallow whore.

A genius of your caliber deserves nothing less than to marry a man with a truly massive cock. We’re talking two coke cans stacked end-to-end. Flaccid. Your research is too important to mankind for you to settle for anything less.

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Advice

On cats.

I have two siamese cats. I love them to death- especially the way they pull books out of my bookshelf at night- but I also have a somewhat drastic allergy to them. They shed so much between the two of them that every article of clothing I own is covered in cat hair and, subsequently, cat dander. When I sit in class, people think I’m crying because my own shirt makes my eyes water and itch like I poured a jug of blow into them. Please advise me, oh cracked one.

You won’t listen to your own body, but you’ll ask me for advice?

Every fiber of your physical being is screaming for you to get rid of those horrid little creatures, and yet you insist on letting them skulk around your apartment, scratching and shitting and wreaking nocturnal havoc on your bookshelves. Ugh. What the fuck are you thinking?

I’m not saying you have to drown them in a bucket or anything, but come on. Pay attention to your own immune system. Evict those evil little gremlins.

I know there are legions of crazy cat people out there who will curse my name and tell you to just start shoveling your face full of Zyrtec, but fuck that noise. Just because I don’t like cats, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

For your own health, just find them a new home.

Oh, and if you insist on keeping pets in the future, try finding a species that’s both hypoallergenic and not a miniature killing machine constantly plotting your death while you sleep.

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Advice

On the brutal truth.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. We’ve had our share of problems, but every time we’ve found a way to work through them. Until now, or so it seems.

It seems now, that every time we’re together, we’re either fucking, or just sitting there, not talking. Both of us are very aware of this and have even talked about it, but this is the one time where I haven’t known how to solve a problem in our relationship. It’s almost like we have NOTHING to talk about. I’m not quite sure what to do, I guess.

Yeah. Time to break up.

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Advice

On purgatory.

This is straight out of some girlie song from the fifties, but: Is there a deadline for love? I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we don’t love each other. He’s never said those “three little words” to me, and I’ve never said them to him. In fact, I have no idea if I love him, and if he told me he did, I’m not sure how I’d react.

Catch: My previous boyfriends have said it first, and probably a little too quickly, so I’ve never been in this position before. I’ve always heard it first and then figured out what to say based on whether I felt like fainting in a good way, or a bad way.

I’ve got no desire to break up but I’ve been thinking about this whole love thing a lot lately. How long can a relationship linger in the purgatory of “I like you, a lot”?

Forever.

Good luck overcoming inertia.

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Advice

On gropers

what do you do when a complete stranger comes up and touches you/slaps your ass/etc? i chased the dude half a block threatening to cut off his nutsack. too intense? i would have killed him if i had the chance.

You are well within your rights to break a fucking finger. I try not to let it ruin my night, though. I can communicate my intention to castrate a motherfucker with a stern look. That’s usually all it takes.

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