Is dating ever not-stupid? I mean dating as in “we had a couple of dates,” not as a synonym for having relationships. All the worthwhile couples I know either became a full fledged couple (whether monogamous or not) pretty much on the week that they met, or just hung out in the same social circles.

Every generation has its own unique set of courtship rituals. In our corner of the world, the formal dating ritual is on the cusp of becoming an anachronism. That doesn’t mean dating is stupid. It’s just no longer the dominant paradigm.

There will always be a process by which we choose mates, but the equalization of gender roles and shifting cultural values no longer make it necessary to follow a scripted, rules-based model of the get-to-know-you game. Courtship hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just more casual.

If you’re asking this question because you’d prefer dating to today’s amorphous style of courtship, don’t get frustrated. You can still date. The world is full of people who prefer antiques. Just because dating is outdated, that doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant.

On the other hand, if you were just confirming what you already felt to be true about dating, then yes. You can ignore your mother’s rules.

Either way, just enjoy yourself. We’re lucky to live in an era where our livelihoods no longer depend on it.

So I dated this guy for 2 and a half months or so. It was pretty great. Just as I was getting comfortable and starting to see it as a relationship that might actually last long term, shit starts to happen. Basically, he finds out that a girl he used to hook up with last semester got roofied and raped, which resulted in her relapsing on coke and failing out of school. The problem is that he still has feelings for her, despite knowing that it would never work out between them. After several days of being miserable over not being able to do anything to help her, he confesses that he still loves her, and says that he can’t be in a relationship with me right now. That’s fair – I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else either. So we agreed to just be friends.

I can’t blame him and I can’t be mad, because I feel he was well within his rights to try to move on, even if it leaves me feeling a little deceived. But I still can’t deny the fact that I still have feelings for him and I still care about him a lot. It’s hard to get over a relationship when I feel it never got to play itself out, instead being cut off by external events.

What do I do? Do I cut him out of my life until I get over him? Do I continue to hang out with him as friends, (because we do get along amazingly and we have fun together) while always missing what used to be? Do I wait around for him to finally get over this chick and take me back? Help me out, Coke Talk.

You’re awfully fucking noble. Good for you, I suppose. Still, you should feel free to have a moment of righteous seething anger at this guy for pushing you out of a moving vehicle so he could swing back around and pick up last semester’s bag of crazy.

Wake up and smell the douchebag. The relationship did play itself out. It wasn’t cut off by external events. He didn’t die in a fiery plane crash. He fucking broke up with you.

At this point he’s not a friend. He’s an ex, an ex who’s obviously got a thing for damaged goods, so unless you suddenly become a dysfunctional drama queen, don’t expect him to come looking to take you back.

Don’t wait around. Have some dignity and move on.

What is the distinction between loving someone and being “in love” with them? Aren’t these just arbitrary constructs?

Yes, quite arbitrary.

The classical distinction is that between the concepts of Philia and Eros, the notions of brotherly love versus romantic love.

The modern distinction tends to be less sophisticated, and pretty much boils down to whether you still want to fuck somebody.

Reading your advice, it’s ironic that you would refer to others as cliches when you yourself fit the mould. Your assertiveness, feminine yet durable. Your unwillingness to waiver on your beliefs. I can see someone making a movie about you some day, sort of like a Julie and Julia, except you meet a boy, fall in love and find yourself incapable of following any of your own advice when you have problems with him. The ending however will be subject to your ability to man up and write the truth about everything you’ve ever said before bullshit, or carrying on living a lie. This will be your end. Love conquers all.

Let me get this straight. Durability is a contrast to femininity as it relates to my assertiveness? That’s kind of a mealy-mouthed way of calling women weak willed. You might want to reconsider such poetic usage of the word “yet.”

I’m not even going to take a swing at the fragmented remark about my unwavering beliefs, because it’s safe to assume you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about.

As for my movie, I appreciate your story notes. Given the choice between complete moral bankruptcy or traditional monogamous couplehood, I’m sure my character (played by a perky Amy Adams) will base her decision on such fortune cookie favorites as “love conquers all.”

I can tell you have a real knack for three act structure, and you will no doubt enjoy a shining career as a development executive given your firm grasp on both irony and cliche.

Thanks for your consideration, and best of luck in your future endeavors.

I’m 15 and I recently broke up with my first boyfriend, after 2 and a half years of dating and a year and a half of long distance. I’m over him, but since I was just 13 when I got together with him, I’m new to this whole being single thing, and it bothers me that people see me as available, because I don’t consider myself to be available.

Then I met this guy who I kinda fell for real hard, and he seems to be falling for me too. The thing is, he not only has a girlfriend, he’s one of those people who likes to indulge in other girls while dating someone. People like him always bothered me, but now I just want to take whatever he gives and run with it.

He’s also a really close friend of mine and he shares his problems and all with me, like girl problems, too. And it hurts when he talks about her. A couple of days ago, they were having a huge fight, and I could have gotten in his head and broken them up, I guess, but I didn’t. I told him he should hang on and try to make it work.

Would you say it’s either of the things I’m doing is a good idea? I just need a little help, please.

Your numbers don’t add up, but for the sake of argument lets just go with the stereotype and assume you’re bad at math.

As it stands, you’re a fifteen year old girl coming out of a four year relationship whose primary complaint is that men are finding you too available. Right, well. That’s already nice and creepy.

Let me guess. You’ve had tits since you were eleven, and you come from central Florida or some other third-world country. You’re a little bit overweight, a little bit religious, and you swallow male attention without chewing it.

You’ve figured out the awkward power you have over boys, but you don’t have a fucking clue what to do with it. That makes you a dangerous little creature, a backwoods shotgun wedding waiting to happen.

Whatever you do, sweetie, please don’t get pregnant. I’m willing to bet it’s a long drive to planned parenthood, and you don’t even have a learner’s permit.

As for the stupid mind games you’re playing, just be a good person and treat yourself with respect. I promise, you’ll have lots of crushes. Most of it’s bullshit and none of it really matters for a few more years.

Your only goal should be to learn to love yourself. If you can pull that off before the real world gets you, it’ll be a different kind of life.