Advice

On almost but not quite

I’m having trouble committing to the guy who wants forever with me because I can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite a relationship” I had before. I want some space but I’m 90% sure the forever guy won’t wait for me to figure my shit out, and I don’t particularly blame him.

Am I going to be in limbo forever? Am I just being selfish? Help?

 

I know your type. The guy who wants forever is probably gonna end up being your next “almost but not quite.” If six months from now you wake up and suddenly feel that, please remember this post, recognize this is a pattern, and know the problem is you.

Meanwhile, if you need some space, you need some space, but if forever guy won’t wait a hot minute for you to get your shit together, then you probably should stop calling him forever guy.

And while I’m smacking you with a little truth, lemme get one more in so you feel it. The reason you’re having trouble committing isn’t because you can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite” guy. You’ve got it backwards. The reason you can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite” guy is because you’re having trouble committing.

This is just your particular flavor of self-destruct button. Watch. You’ll stop thinking about him the moment you detonate this current relationship.

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Advice

On a mysterious tattoo

Hey, I commissioned some art from a friend for a project that ended up going nowhere, and then fell out of touch with this friend. I’ve got all the rights to it, paid in full, but recently I’ve been thinking about getting it as a tattoo. It’s a really elaborate piece of art with a lot of deep personal blah blah blah, my real question is, should I tell the artist? I have no idea how they’d react, and I’d rather not push them further away, but at the same time they poured a fraction of their life into this.

And, on a related note, what’s the courtesy for folks who get tattoos of art they find online? Obviously the artist deserves some kind of support in return. Everyone should know that. What’s a fair rate?

 

It feels like you’re only asking me a fraction of your real question. “Should I tell the artist?” Dude. What the fuck is really going on? You’ve made it clear that you don’t owe the artist anything, but this inner conflict about giving notice feels very “tip of the iceberg.”

I think maybe you’re really asking this in the hope that I’ll order you to tell the artist, as if you somehow need me to give you a technical reason, a little push that obligates you to finally get back in contact with this person.

And your related note is not at all related. It’s a diversion. You want me to give you a dollar amount that you can compare to whatever number you have in your head. You want to offer your artist friend some money, but you don’t want it to be an insult or seem like charity, so you need me to establish a “fair rate” that justifies your desire to give.

Hmm. You cared very deeply for this person, and this piece of art is the last connection you have to them. So it’s either tattoo it onto your body and have them there forever, or risk reaching out to them, ruining everything all over again, and then poisoning the tattoo’s potential.

Tricky.

Here’s my two cents: The relationship is more important than its symbol. The connection you have to the artist is more important than the connection you have to the art.

Do with that what you will.

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Thoughts

On house of cards

Getting pumped up for HOC Season four. I’m re-watching all the episodes up to now, and I’m CONVINCED at this point that Frank is a homosexual who only has sexual relationships with women he can exploit for power. I also think he and Claire have (had) an unspoken understanding about the matter, which is why they’ve both been so cool about each other’s extramarital affairs.

Here’s where I’m probably reaching a bit, but I’m also fairly sure that Claire planned the whole Meechum 3-way business FOR Frank. Notice how she looks over her shoulder at Frank before leaving them together in the living room just before. They clearly love each other very much, but I’m pretty sure their marriage is more of a Will & Grace kind of arrangement than a sexual one. Thoughts?

 

No, no, no. Do not erase President Underwood’s bisexuality. (If Claire slept with the occasional woman, you wouldn’t call her a closeted lesbian. You’d call her bisexual. The same goes for Frank.) Claire Underwood is no beard. Trust me. If you’d ever been in an open relationship with a bisexual person, you would understand.

Frank and Claire are two highly intelligent, highly differentiated characters. Nothing about their relationship is unspoken. They share everything. Claire knows all the secrets, including every last detail about Frank’s bisexuality (which, honestly, is pretty low on the list of secrets when you consider all the conspiracy and murder.) They’re cool with each other’s extramarital affairs because their marriage is open to a certain degree. Other than the fact that they are both sociopaths, they have an incredibly healthy relationship. (In fact, it’s probably because they are both sociopaths that they have such a healthy relationship.)

I know it seems counterintuitive, but even the way Claire leaves Frank in the last episode is evidence of the strength of their marriage. Frank violated the terms of their relationship when he became consumed by the Office of the Presidency, and Claire was strong enough to enforce her boundaries.

That’s actually quite healthy of her, and I have no doubt that Frank will either see the error of his ways and capitulate, or he will implode. Either way, the key to remember is that nothing about their relationship is unspoken.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Are feelings rational?
Feelings are emotions that have come into awareness. It’s not that feelings are irrational. It’s just that rationality doesn’t apply to feelings. Rationality applies to thoughts. The way you think about your feelings and any subsequent behavior can be rational or irrational, but that speaks to the thoughts and behaviors, not the feelings themselves.

Love will never be possible for me because no one will ever live up to my standards. I want someone who’s smarter and more confident than me. Someone to make me a better person. Mostly I want a man and not a boy. So how do I go about solving this problem?
There is only one problem here to solve. You want someone to make you a better person. Fuck that. It’s poison. You will never be happy as long as you expect someone other than yourself to make you a better person. You can have all the rest of it, but you have to take responsibility for your own self-improvement.

My boyfriend of five years just told me he would buy me razor blades if I would kill myself with them. I feel low.
Yeah, you are a victim of emotional abuse. That’s real shit, and it has the same cycle with the same long-term damage as physical abuse. Five years is enough, wouldn’t you say? I know it’s scary, but I think you might find that you’ll feel surprisingly less low if he was out of your life.*

*I got your second letter. You don’t need a breakup. You need immediate domestic violence intervention. Your situation is very serious. Please send me your email and let me know what city you live in, and I will try and help point you to some local resources. 

We’ve been together three years. Aren’t the trust issues supposed to go away after a while?
Time isn’t what cures trust issues. Integrity is, but all the integrity in the world can’t get through without open, honest communication. That’s why it’s taking so long.

Why am I always suspicious of men who express an attraction to my looks? What am I afraid of?
It’s not that you’re afraid. It’s that on some fundamental level, you don’t believe them, and so that automatically makes you suspicious.

Hypothetically, let’s say I get permission from his wife to fuck him. Isn’t it still unethical because I’m responsible for taking away time from his home and kids?
Nah, if they’re in an open relationship and you get his wife’s permission, it’s no more unethical than if he took that same amount of time to go play a round of golf. Parents are entitled to personal recreation, and I’m sure he knows better than to be off fucking you instead of showing up to a parent/teacher conference.

On Friday we informally (on snapchat) joked (but not really) about not seeing anyone else but each other. On Saturday I had amazing (unplanned) sex with someone else…
If you’re writing me, you must be feeling guilty. That’s a good thing, because it means you have a conscience, and you also like this guy. If you want to be exclusive with him, make it a real conversation, and stick to your word.

What do people like you who happily go around saying ‘fuck the police’ think would really happen in a world without police?
There are many versions of a world without police. Some are a feudalistic horror show, and some are a utopian ideal. We haven’t reached a point in our sociological evolution where police aren’t necessary, but we have reached a point where it’s okay to acknowledge that they are, at best, a necessary evil. If you’d like to know more about what I mean when I say fuck the police, feel free to read, “On fucking the police.”

Do you think you’re in your last lifetime? I’m betting you’re an old soul and have learned a lot of past life lessons. Hence why you’ve become an “Accidental Guru.” Maybe you are more of a real one.
There is only one life.

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Advice

On relationship seppuku

You recently answered a question on the “cut-off date” for someone you’re not in love with. I am in love with my partner. However, I cried when I read the guideline questions you responded with (needs being met, effort required etc).

What difference does the fact that you’re in love with a person make to a cut-off date? Because at the moment it doesn’t feel like the love factor changes anything other than the level of hurt involved.

 

The love factor makes zero difference to the cutoff formula, but it changes the answer to the question, “Would it be worth it?”

Here’s the big question. Is your partner also in love with you? If so, and you’re both genuinely in love with one another, then the answer to whether it’s worth it becomes an almost definite yes.

You’re right, it will hurt, and it will take a shit-ton of relationship work, but if you’re both in love, that’s usually enough motivation to improve the relationship unless too much reality starts getting in the way.

Now, if your partner isn’t in love with you (and likely won’t be), then you’re really fucked. Sorry. You can’t be the only one making the effort to improve the relationship, especially if you’re the one whose physical, mental, and emotional needs aren’t being met.

Again, I’m sorry if that’s what’s happening with you. It really sucks to be stuck in love with someone who isn’t in love with you and refuses or is incapable of meeting your basic needs in a relationship. That is a recipe for undignified misery.

If that’s the case, and you know in your heart that it’s never gonna get any better no matter how much work you pour into it, then you need to summon up all your strength and commit the equivalent of relationship seppuku. When a relationship needs to end, I always recommend making a fast, clean, and merciful cut. Unfortunately, in this instance, you’d be the one who has to wield your own blade.

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Advice

On Hillary

Hillary is a a liar hiding a hawkish, plutocratic agenda behind women’s issues and gun control. She may even be worse than Obama on foreign policy issues.

I remember you saying that you supported Sanders but would give up when he had no chance. Amazingly, that still hasn’t happened. It appears all of those Monsanto/Goldman Sachs/Lockheed/fossil fuel dollars paid off last night.

People pay attention to you as an intellectual. We trust you. Why aren’t you criticizing her more?

 

First of all, complaining that a politician is a liar is like complaining about water being wet. They’re all liars. Grow up.

Secondly, I don’t grant your premise that Hillary is hiding a hawkish, plutocratic agenda. Hillary knows how to strategically apply U.S. force projection, but that’s not the same thing as being hawkish. In my humble opinion, she’s the only candidate who could beat Putin in a staring contest, but at the same time, she’s not gonna run around as if her hair’s on fire over ISIS like all those fear-mongering Republican numnards. Hillary is not war-loving. She’s strong. She’s diplomatically not to be fucked with, and nobody ever gives her enough credit for it.

Everyone is constantly complaining that Democrats are a bunch of pussies when it comes to foreign policy. Ironically, it’s gonna take the first President with a pussy to prove that Democrats actually have some balls.

Admittedly, I hate her position on Israel and Palestine, and her vote on the Iraq War will haunt her for the rest of her life, but at the same time, I’m sick and fucking tired of far-left wingers slamming Hillary for having to back up Obama’s foreign policy agenda as Secretary of State.

Also, you’re confusing her economic centrism for a plutocratic agenda. Hillary is not a plutocrat, though it’s an easy mistake to make, because any candidate standing next to Bernie Sanders will come off looking like a plutocrat. No, Hillary is merely a pragmatist when it comes to American capitalism. I’m okay with that. At the end of the day, she’s still a bleeding heart where it counts, and she would be far more effective at actually implementing a liberal domestic policy agenda than Bernie. To quote the philosopher Tina Fey, “bitches get stuff done.”

Oh, and for the record, women’s rights and gun control are not issues you hide behind. That’s incredibly insulting. Maybe you’re a man and you don’t give a shit, but the assault on women’s reproductive rights in this country is no fucking joke. The next President will likely be appointing more than one Supreme Court Justice, and that may or may not tip the balance of the court to one that could overturn Roe v Wade. That’s terrifying. We cannot allow that to happen. Ever. I trust that Hillary would appoint fantastic justices. (And yeah, I know it’s silly, but just the thought of Hillary appointing Obama to the Supreme Court makes me giddy.)

Obviously, Hillary is not perfect, but she is more qualified to be a U.S. President than any other candidate in this election cycle. I love Bernie Sanders and his ideas. Really. I love everything he stands for, but I’m also a huge fan of Hillary Clinton. It requires absolutely no cognitive dissonance to like them both. The idealist in me gets to vote for Bernie in the primary, and odds are, the realist in me will get to vote for Hillary in the general. I’m very happy with both of those votes.

Y’all can quit asking me to hate on Hillary. You know I’ll call her out on her shit when she deserves it, but I’d also be proud to have her as my President.

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Best-Of Advice

On being worthy of friendship

You answered a question about fixing your own broken-ness and not allowing broken people to burden you anymore by deciding you’re worthwhile. I get that in theory but I’m a people-pleaser all the way and I don’t know how else to make friends. Does the friend-making get easier when you decide you’re worthwhile or do you realize the friendships you wanted are less necessary because you don’t need to be validated? I want very much to be unbroken but I recognize that doing shit for others and letting them cross my boundaries comes from a place where I’m terrified people won’t like me otherwise. I don’t think I’m a funny person and I’m very shy but I’m capable and trustworthy and that’s what I’ve been trying to prove to people. I have a habit of ruining friendships and I’m just so terrible at relating to people and I’m so lonely. What happens when you decide you’re worthwhile anyway?

 

You don’t decide that you’re worthwhile. It’s not a decision. You simply are. That’s the thing you’re not getting.

You are worthwhile. You are worthy of friendship. It’s okay that you’re shy. It’s okay that you’re not funny, and being capable and trustworthy are good qualities, but they’re not the reason why you’re worthy of friendship. Again, you simply are.

Also, you don’t have a habit of ruining friendships. Stop thinking that about yourself. Those weren’t friendships. Those were just people you knew. While you’re at it, stop thinking that you’re terrible at relating to people. You know how to relate to people. You related to me just fine. You’re just a little socially awkward, and that’s something you can easily take steps to improve.

Speaking of improvement, you’re already halfway to a breakthrough by acknowledging that your people-pleasing behavior is based on the fear that people won’t like you otherwise. You recognize the problem. All you have to do now is let it be okay if people don’t like you.

Fuck ’em. It really is that simple.

Knowing in your heart that it’s okay if people don’t like you is the foundation upon which all of your boundaries can be built. If someone violates your boundaries, fuck ’em. You don’t need a person who does that to like you. If someone only sticks around to take advantage of your people-pleasing, fuck ’em. That’s not a friend, and your life will be better without them.

You are worthy of friendship, and it’s okay if people don’t like you. This isn’t a theory for you to get. Those are already stone cold truths. All you have to do now is believe them.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Was Amber Rose’s tweet about Kanye liking assplay homophobic and super awful? I feel like its small change compared to his whorephobia and misogyny but I’m afraid I’m biased.
Weigh in please.
It’s a fine line, but these days I think it’s a stretch to call that tweet homophobic. Her reply was definitely an attempt at emasculation, but I interpreted it as an assertion of sexual dominance, not an accusation of homosexuality. After all, the hashtag was #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch, not #FingersInTheBootyAssFaggot. Admittedly, the type of toxic masculinity that is emasculated by sexual dominance is the same type of toxic masculinity that equates assplay with homosexuality, which is why I say it’s a fine line. Still, that’s not on Amber Rose.

I’m happy again and I’m really afraid something is going to happen.
You may be in a happy place, but you’re not nearly as happy as you could be, because you haven’t gotten rid of your underlying anxiety. All you’ve done is shifted it into the future. Well, guess what? Something is going to happen. Eventually, life will come along and kick your ass. The trick is to let that be okay. An even better trick is to also let it be okay whenever it happens. I don’t mean roll over and take it. I just mean accept the inevitability of it. I know it’s easier said than done, but that kind of acceptance is the antidote to anxiety.

What’s the cutoff date for being with someone you’re not in love with? Where’s the line?
You gotta draw your own lines, but being in love isn’t a binary state. It’s fluid and messy and emulsified with all kinds of other emotions. If you’re in a relationship where too many of your physical, mental, and emotional needs aren’t being met, ask yourself, is it possible that they ever could be? If so, would it be worth the effort? They are tough questions, but if you can answer them honestly, then the day you’re absolutely sure that your answer is a firm no, you’ve found your cutoff date.

I’m at a university that has a much larger male population. I have my pick of guys, he has virtually no chance with anyone else. How do we deal with this power imbalance?
In a healthy relationship, that wouldn’t create a power imbalance. It only creates a power imbalance if one of you uses it as emotional leverage, and that would be a pretty strong indicator of something unhealthy. You asked this question because it’s obviously come up, but I don’t know whether he’s wielding it as a source of insecurity or you’re wielding it as an excuse to take him for granted. Either way, you two better button that shit up, or it’s gonna be the thing that ends the relationship.

Wait, so what is the difference between overfunctioning and underfunctioning relationships?
No, I wasn’t clear on that. An overfunctioning/underfunctioning relationship is a type of relationship in which one partner overfunctions and the other partner underfunctions. Think of it as being lopsided, but also reciprocal. One partner usually gets blamed for being dysfunctional, but it’s really both of them together who cause the dynamic.

I got pulled over for speeding and the cop let me off with a with a warning but gave me a ticket for not having a seatbelt on. I took the seatbelt off after I got pulled over. I should be happy that I got off on the speeding, but why does the seatbelt ticket bother me so much?
Think of it this way, if you hadn’t taken off your seatbelt, the cop would have written you up for speeding. You were gonna get a ticket no matter what. It’s not that he let you off with a warning so much as he wrote you up for the violation with the least likelihood of him having to show up for traffic court. (If you have the time, contest the violation. Fuck the police.)

I’m aware that I’m being manipulated but in the face of sad puppy eyes and other various circumstances I seem to let it happen. How do I build up my sad puppy defenses? This same person manipulates everyone else I know and it’s infuriating. No one seems to be immune.
This is one of those times when it’s smart to use your temper. (Don’t lose your temper. Just use it.) Train yourself to get a little angry when you’re being manipulated. That’s the best defense against sad puppy eyes. (You’ll get a bratty reaction, but if the manipulation no longer works, it will quickly stop.)

At what point do complementary personalities in a relationship become incompatible personalities?
When the things you have in common form dysfunctional patterns of behavior.

How do I stop craving Chinese food?
I find the quickest way is to eat some Chinese food.

My pride says no and my curiosity says yes. What do you say?
Let your conscience be the tie-breaker. (I am not your fucking conscience.)

If you’re all about killing your ego, why do you refer to yourself as a guru?
Because my ego isn’t dead, and it has a very dry sense of humor.

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Advice

On a nice guy vs a good man

What’s the difference between a nice guy and a good man? I was dating a guy who cheated on me, and even after that I was still convinced that he was a nice guy, but I know he’s not a good man.

 

See. You already know the difference, but let me make it clear. Being a good man is a matter of morality, and being a nice guy is a matter of etiquette.

Calling a guy “nice” doesn’t speak to his character. It just means he knows how to act, usually when he wants something. Nice guys know how to behave, but they typically have ulterior motives, and their true character is often revealed when they don’t get what they want.

On the other hand, calling a man “good” speaks directly to his character. It means that he lives up to a value system that you both share, which typically means he is both reliable and trustworthy.

A nice guy and a good man will often behave in the exact same manner to acquaintances at the surface level, which is why they’re hard to distinguish when you accept people at face value, but when you drill down and get to know either one, you’ll find that only the good man has integrity.

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Advice

On letting go of the anger

Regarding “On Your Grieving Process,” what if it is a year after a traumatic death? The one year anniversary of my brother’s death from cancer is coming up. He was only 32. Sometimes I am numb, but sometimes it punches me in the gut and I am right back in the thick of grief. Not to mention I went through a divorce in the middle of my brother’s illness.

Everyday I coached myself to “just get up and take a shower.” I’ve been seeing a therapist. They put me on medications. It has helped to curb the intensity of the emotions, but I can’t seem to shake my newly found cynicism. I can’t stop seeing/seeking an ulterior motive in everything someone says or does (advertisements, compliments, marriages, etc). It’s as if nothing is genuine or pure anymore because my brother doesn’t exist. It’s as if the world doesn’t make sense to me because my brother isn’t in it. I’m navigating in darkness trying to find a way through to make sense of life and our existence. It’s so exhausting.

I guess none of this really is a question (probably more like a nonsensical stream of consciousness) but I just needed to get it out there. Thanks Coquette.

 

A year is nothing in terms of grief, and the anniversaries will always be hard. It sounds like you’re still very angry, which is an easy place to get stuck when someone you love dies before their time.

I could say I’m sorry for your loss, and of course I am, but what I’m really sorry for is that you’re trying to make sense of something that is completely senseless. You’re exhausted because you’re chasing an answer that doesn’t exist, and you can’t shake your cynicism because you don’t want to yet. You’re not ready.

Naturally, you tell everyone (including your therapist) that you don’t want to feel this way anymore, but you do. Even if you don’t know it yourself. The cynicism is armor that you wear to make sure the world isn’t as pure anymore, because without your brother in it, how could it be? You won’t allow the world to be pure, because that would somehow mean it’s okay that your brother died.

Well, fuck that. It will never be okay that your brother died, and you will never let him go, but one day, you will let go of the cynicism and anger, and that will be a very good day for you.

It’s okay to let it go. It doesn’t mean you’re letting go of him.

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