David Bowie is gone. Why am I so scared?
Because we’ll never get to go to outer space.
On the second weekend
Please help me. I purchased weekend two wristbands for Coachella and am unclear on whether weekend two is actually going to be okay. I’m traveling there with a girlfriend, my third Coachella and her first, and she is unavailable to go weekend one. I’m picturing no lush polo field grass left and performers that aren’t taking it as seriously as weekend one. Thoughts?? I know I’m spoiled as fuck, but $400 is a lot to spend if it’s going to be far inferior.
Are you kidding me? The second weekend is always better. Always. The preening children have all gone home, the artists are trying to top their previous week’s performance, and everyone is more chill.
I’ll admit that the first weekend has more energy, but the crowd is also tainted with an aggressive self-absorption that can easily bleed some of the fun out of it. That goes doubly for this year’s first weekend, because it will be filled with a bunch of Gen X pilgrims who absolutely positively have to be at the first reunion shows of LCD and GNR.
Nah, if I go this year, it will only be to the second weekend. Trust me on this. You accidentally made the right decision.
On fun-sized advice
If I don’t have a concrete reason for not wanting to keep seeing a guy, is it okay to break it off? Or should I stick it out and see if I start feeling butterflies?
To your first question, you don’t need a concrete reason. It’s perfectly okay to break it off. To your second question, it’s also fine if you want to stick it out. Sometimes a slow burn is nice. You’ll know soon enough one way or the other.
I threw a party, and everyone showed up late. It bothered me more than it should have. I took it personally, which I see is the mistake. That they showed up at all is really is all that matters in the end. But it kind of brought me down the whole night. So how do I not take this shit personally?
Yes, one of your mistakes was taking it personally. A slightly larger mistake in this instance was not knowing ahead of time that everyone always shows up late to a party. That’s how it works. As the host, you get to pick a time when you’re ready to receive guests, but don’t ever confuse that with the time the party starts. They aren’t at all the same thing.
What’s wrong with a woman changing her last name? It’s just swapping out her fathers name for her husbands, and if she wants to, more power to her. Or does your feminism not give women the space to make their own choices?
Actually, my feminism gives women (and men) greater space to make more choices. For instance, what’s wrong with a man changing his last name? If he wants to take on his wife’s name, more power to him. Or is your world view so blinded by the patriarchy that you can’t see how inherently limiting it is to everyone’s choices?
I can only hook up with guys after I’ve had a couple of drinks. Otherwise I am way too anxious. What’s up with that?
Um, yeah. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. That’s kind of the point. The anxiety you feel while sober is also perfectly normal. My concern is your use of the word “only.” Be careful with that. It could lead to problems.
You’ve just become friends with a girl. Said girl has a boyfriend. She also knows that you like girls. She sends you a picture of her pussy, no caption included. What the fuck do you do?
Tell her she has a nice pussy.
I didn’t know sex could destroy a couch so mercilessly. Can’t get the fucking lady stain out. Tips?
Flip the cushion.
Will you please weigh in on this whole standoff situation in Oregon?
Bunch of assholes. Next.
I live in LA and can’t help but feel a little abandoned! Not totally seriously. . . but your posts about the city always really resonated with me, and made me feel at home. Is there hope for those of us still here? I don’t want to fall out of love with this place, not ever.
I don’t want to fall out of love with LA either. That’s why I left.
This should be simple but I still can’t figure it out: what’s the difference between being kind and being submissive.
Being submissive is about power. The selflessness of kindness has nothing to do with power. You’re confusing submissiveness with selflessness.
Is the human condition flawed?
Beautifully.
On your first trip to the psychiatrist
Hi Coquette. I’ve written to you many times and never pressed send, but you’ve been a very helpful presence in my life. I’m writing to you now because I’m going to a psychiatrist for the first time in two days. I’m 21 and I’ve been depressed since my early teens but my parents always told me that it’s just my character and never took me to get help. Now I don’t even know if I actually have depression or if it’s just my personality, I don’t feel like I have an actual personality or a sense of self. I’m scared that the doctor is just gonna brush me off and not give me meds which are my only hope. I feel like my brain is frozen up, I just want to know that there’s a chance I’ll feel something, that there’s something other than this robotic life for me, but then I don’t know if I can handle anything else. I don’t really know what my question is, I cried for the first time in two years while writing this, should I tell all this to the doctor? Everything I’ve read online about preparing for the first visit has only made me more nervous, like she won’t understand what I mean or believe me, because I’m functional and have done well in college and have friends so maybe she’ll think I don’t need medication but I do. But then I’ve felt this way since I was 12, maybe it is just me and there’s nothing to be done. It’s ok if you don’t answer before the visit or at all, I just wanted to tell someone who’d understand because my otherwise loving parents are being gigantic assholes and treating me like they’re doing me a favour by booking the appointment. Anyway, thanks for reading, love you.
The doctor is not going to brush you off. She will listen. She will listen to you like you’ve never been listened to before. Tell her everything. Tell her that you’ve been depressed since your early teens. Tell her about your parents. Tell her that you feel your brain is frozen up. Tell her that you cried for the first time in two years, and if she asks, tell her what happened to you when you were twelve. If it will make things easier, bring her the letter you wrote to me. Use it as a starting point for your conversation with her.
As she is a psychiatrist, the likelihood of her recommending medication is much higher than with other mental health professionals, especially if that’s the reason you showed up to her office. Whether she prescribes medication or not, you should know that meds are not your only hope. They can help, but don’t expect anti-depressants to be a miracle cure and be open minded about other therapeutic options that she might recommend.
Take a deep breath, kiddo. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous, but you’re going to be fine. You’re doing the right thing by taking care of yourself, and if your parents won’t say it then someone should: It’s okay to ask for help, and I’m proud of you for taking this step.
On fun-sized advice
last semester of college and my childhood best friend is moving away. Why do I feel so damn sad about it even though we’re in college anyway?
Because your childhood is over, and it’s a thing worth grieving.
What do you do when the man you love is marrying someone else?
You do what it takes to fall out of love. Step back. Reframe him. Let it hurt for a while, and then move on. He’s just a man. One day you’ll see that.
What are your thoughts on euthanasia?
I think people have the natural right to chose the time and manner of their own deaths.
I met a guy. Casually dated for a few weeks but I got too many bad vibes and wanted to dump him. He can’t take no for an answer but he’s not putting any effort into it. What do I do now?
End the relationship immediately, preferably over the phone with a friend by your side. Tell him it is over, and that you do not want any more contact with him. He doesn’t get to talk back. He doesn’t get to see you one more time. He doesn’t have a say in your decision. Do not reply to his texts. Do not answer his calls. If he shows up at your door, do not open it, and do not hesitate to call the police.
Why did I only feel comfortable telling him I loved him after I broke up with him?
Because after you broke up with him, there was no emotional risk.
Rank ’em: pancakes, waffles, french toast.
Waffles (as in Waffle House waffles, not that Belgian trash), french toast (as long as it’s not too tarted up), followed closely by pancakes, which are still delicious, but often better in theory than on the actual plate.
Are you still going to Coachella despite the move?
Guns N’ Roses, LCD Soundsystem, and Miike Snow might be enough to bring me back. We’ll see.
Amal Clooney? I don’t get it. . . do you think highly or lowly of her? Hard to tell. . .
My new twitter avatar is not an ironic choice. I think very highly and have immense respect for Amal. (Although I kind of wish she’d kept her maiden name.)
What makes your new crush “inappropriate?”
My crush is a colleague, one with whom I’ll be working closely for at least the next 18 months.
“Thoughts and advice from an accidental guru who will answer as long as you keep asking.” I like this! What prompted the change?
Personal growth. I no longer consider my advice to be shady, and I haven’t been a raging bitch for quite some time.
new crush and new city? this feels like the end of ‘the girls guide to hunting and fishing’. don’t disappear on me. i still need you to guide me through my first love.
That’s very sweet, but you can relax. I’m not disappearing. I’m just transitioning into a new stage of life.
On the eye of the beholder
I can’t help but envy the depth and texture of your life glimpsed through the anecdotes you’ve shared. It feels like my life choices, or maybe just my nature, have limited my opportunities for adventure and spontaneity. Then I remember conversations where friends or strangers would gape at my own more modest experiences. Is it all in the eye of the beholder? Is there some Rock Star bell curve we all fall onto or is it all in the presentation?
Both. There is a rock star bell curve, and still, it’s all in the presentation. There are echelons of heiresses and overachievers who make my minor adventures seem quaint, but I tell a better story than they do. Not that any of it really matters, because you can find depth and texture in any experience — and in anyone’s life — if you only bother to look. It’s the looking, the examination itself, that reveals the depth and texture.
Don’t envy the life you’ve glimpsed through my anecdotes. Don’t compare my life to yours. That feeling you have about your nature, that your life choices are somehow limiting your opportunities, it is the essence of wistfulness. Feeling wistful is a powerful emotion, one that can easily turn into envy and melancholy if you start comparing yourself to others. Resist the urge to compare, and never let the thought of missed adventures bother you.
You and I and everyone else are all inherently limited by our choices. There are an infinite number of adventures that we will never get to experience — some beautiful, some tragic, and some so magnificently transcendent that our tiny brains aren’t even capable of imagining them. Every choice we make collapses the possibility of every other, forever limiting our opportunities for all those grand and unknowable adventures, but that’s the singular nature of time and the human condition, so fuck it.
We only get one go of it, and the brutal truth is that some people have more fun than others. Some get a few more spins around the sun. Some get a pile of shit and suffering. None of it’s fair and none of it matters and the only way to get it wrong is to live an unexamined life.
The most important question you asked me is whether it’s all in the eye of the beholder, because that’s exactly where it is. All of it. The eye of the beholder is everything, and the sharper your eye, the closer you look at the world, and the deeper you examine your experiences, the more depth and texture you’ll reveal about your own life no matter what adventures come your way.
On fun-sized advice
If I’m in an open relationship and my primary partner knows my secondary partner but the secondary partner has no clue, is it cheating?
It depends on the terms of your secondary relationship. Is your secondary partner owed a clue? If so, you’re being emotionally dishonest. If not, you’re still keeping secrets. Either way, you shouldn’t toy with your secondary partners. Be respectful.
Every time I socialize for more than 3 hours, I’ll come home exhausted. Is this normal? How can I train myself to have more stamina? Thanks.
It’s perfectly normal for an introvert. Pay attention to what kinds of social interactions are most draining. Learn how to modify those interactions. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself intermittently for five minute breaks where you find a quiet spot to reflect and recharge.
How do I date my best friend?
Carefully, only once, and with the full knowledge that it could easily destroy the relationship.
A lot of people come to you when they’re suicidal; why don’t you just let them kill themselves?
Because they’re not asking me to help them die. They’re asking me to help them live.
When will this heartbreak stop hurting?
Late February/Early March.
There is a war coming towards us and I am frightened.
That’s what they want you to think, and that’s what they want you to feel.
My father is dying. I just want someone to tell me it will all be okay.
It will, but your father dying will also permanently alter your meaning of okay. This process is going to change you. Don’t be afraid of it, and do your best not to shrink away from the painful and difficult parts.
Do you ever choose not to answer someone’s question because they seem close to figuring it out for themselves?
Sure. I get questions all the time where people finish off by saying, “Oh wait, I think I just figured it out for myself.” Just typing it all out seems to help people tremendously.
Could your life be turned into a film?
Anyone’s life could be turned into a film.
On walking away from it all
Could you ever just walk away from it all? Not just a daydream you keep in your back pocket, but honestly drop everything and walk away.
I did.
A number of weeks ago, I dropped everything and walked away.
This past year, I fell in love with another city, which for the moment shall remain nameless. I spent some time there visiting friends over the summer, and on a whim, I found an adorable little apartment and put down a deposit.
When I got back to Los Angeles, I packed up my shit, tied up my loose ends, kissed everyone goodbye, and hit the fucking road.
It wasn’t difficult. I thought I might be emotional as I drove away, but I wasn’t. Not a bit. Los Angeles isn’t a sentimental town, and the wild and shimmering version that belonged to me, it ended years ago. I’ve had plenty of time to let go. I still love Los Angeles, but I’m over it. This was the perfect time to leave.
I’m still getting used to my new surroundings. This place that I’ve found is beautiful and mysterious and deeply satisfying. I’m happy here, but this city doesn’t belong to me yet. It probably never will. For now I’m the one who belongs to it, and I’m content to yield to all the raw and uncertain adventure.
On more fun-sized advice
Do you have any friends who are Republicans?
I mean, sure. I’ve been to Orange County.
I was a total dick to someone who was in to me and now I just got the door shut in my face by someone I have longed after for ages. Karma?
No, that’s not Karma. That’s cosmic irony.
What does my poor choice in men tell me about my self-esteem?
I dunno. Choices only become poor with hindsight. You chose those men for a reason, and those reasons satisfied a short-term emotional or physical need at the expense of your long-term happiness. What are those needs? Are they linked to your self-esteem? Are there patterns of behavior that you can identify and learn from and not repeat? You’re the one who has to answer this question for yourself. I can’t do the work for you.
Have you been in polyamorous relationships before?
I’ve been in a number of open relationships with a primary partner, but I prefer to think of that as ethical non-monogamy rather than polyamory. I’ve played the fourth wheel to a poly triad on occasion, but I consider that more an experience than a relationship. I don’t mean to overcomplicate my answer, but I’m very careful with labels, especially with a word like polyamorous that means different things to different people.
Am I still in love with my ex because I haven’t been attracted to anyone else yet, or have I not been attracted to anyone because I’m still in love with my ex?
I can’t really answer unless I know whether you’re actually still in love with your ex. You may simply not be over your ex, which isn’t the same thing as still being in love. Either way, it’s no big deal if you haven’t been attracted to anyone else yet. It’ll happen eventually, and there’s no need to rush it. Basically what I’m saying is to chill the fuck out and stop overthinking this shit.
Why does it bother me so much that my boyfriend likes pictures of half naked girls on Instagram?
What you’re feeling is a little bit disrespected, which is a manifestation of petty jealousy that stems from your underlying personal and relationship insecurities.
What role does ego play in your blog posts?
As little as possible, but inevitably some.
On fun-sized advice
2015 in five words.
Lines drawn. Pick a side.
Would we know if you had kids?
No. (But I don’t.)
If I wait, will the men I know grow up and stop balking at my expectations for (reciprocated) favors, support and emotional closeness in serious relationships and friendships, or am I the overbearing brat with codependent expectations that they act like I am?
The waiting is what makes you codependent. Don’t wait. If the men in your life aren’t meeting your (reasonable) expectations, find other men.
I have a fetish that’s hampered my sexual performance and made it difficult for me to form close relationships. How do I share it with someone without feeling like I’m forcing them to tolerate it?
Have you considered getting treatment for fetishistic disorder? Maybe some desensitization therapy? At the very least, you can work through those feelings and learn how to talk about it.
I’ve been working the same boring bank job for the past 3 years. In 6 months, I’ll have saved up around 30k. I think I’m going to quit, travel, then come back and do my MBA. Is that a bad idea?
Sounds great, as long as you have a specific reason to get an MBA. If you do, go ahead and lock in your MBA program before you plan your travel.
Thanks for keeping me current, keeping me honest with myself. I’m well on my way to telling people I’m gay. This year I plan to be more transparent. Hold me to that.
Okay. (You’ll get there.)
I’m going to kill myself. I see no reason not to.
There are plenty of reasons not to kill yourself. You’re just not in a place where you can see them. I know it’s asking a lot, but if you could do me a huge favor and hang around for a while, maybe we could get you some help.