Best-Of Advice

On a dirty whore

I’m a stripper, and I recently had a guy I’ve been sleeping with say I can come over after work, but only if I “shower off all the lapdances first.” I ride my bike a lot, sometimes to work, and I asked if it was about being sweaty (just to absolutely clarify) and he said that my sweat in his bed was encouraged, but that other men’s was not. What the fuck is his problem? That doesn’t even make sense. Why does me showering make him feel like somehow I didn’t just get done lap dancing for money?

Oh and PS. I’m also the girl from Redneck problems. My husband and I didn’t work out, but I DID take your advice and get a degree. He is happily remarried and I am happily educated and stripping in Portland, OR. Thank you!

 
Happy to hear from you, babe. Glad that it all worked out. (That marriage was never gonna make it, but getting your degree was important.)

Here’s some brutal truth. The guy you’ve been sleeping with is an ignorant misogynist who likes the idea of fucking a stripper, but doesn’t respect you or what you do for a living.

He asks you to take a shower because he secretly believes that you are an unclean woman. Not literally. Figuratively. He thinks you’re a dirty whore, and making you shower off after your job is his weirdo way of keeping you as his whore but getting rid of the dirty part. It’s outrageously disrespectful and more than just a little bit creepy.

Don’t put up with that kind of negative bullshit for one damn second. Call him out for being disrespectful, and if he gives you even the slightest bit of attitude, stop fucking him.

Say it with me now: Good dick is never worth disrespect.

Good dick is never worth disrespect.

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Advice

On being an artist

What’s the difference between an artist and a craftsman? I’ve always wanted to be an artist but my dad is adamant that artists are born, not made, and the most I’d ever be is a crafts person, which is better left as a hobby. I’m 27, is it too late?

Your dad is a dream-killing asshole. He’s also wrong about artists being born. There’s nothing magical about being an artist. Artists make themselves, so if you have art in you, go make it. That’s not to say it will ever become your career, but who gives a shit? Just because you keep your day job, that doesn’t mean you’re not an artist.

(Oh, and since you asked, an artist masters a medium for the sake of the artist’s expression. A craftsman masters a medium for the sake of the mastery of the craft itself. It’s a subtle distinction with quite a bit of overlap.)

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Advice

On a selfish cheating asshole

I drunk fucked a guy I work with. I’m 24 and he’s in his late 30’s. He’s married and has a kid, I have a boyfriend I moved states for. Its an all around bad situation . The sex was amazing, but it was just sex.Theres no chemistry on either side that is anything close to how it is with each of our SO’s. But I’m worried its going to happen again … The sex was so good. I don’t want to lose everything but I am young and I want to have good sex while I can. Am I going to hell?

There is no hell, you selfish cheating asshole. What you did is wrong. Don’t fuck your married coworker ever again, and don’t use alcohol or your youth as an excuse for your shitty behavior. If you need a more adventurous sex life, then either be honest with your boyfriend and open up your relationship, or break up with him and start fucking some non-married non-coworkers.

Have some fucking integrity, bitch.

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Advice

On being an expert

I just graduated and got an ‘important’ government job. I can’t handle people regarding me as an expert. It’s frightening for me, and it should be frightening for the world.

Oh, please. None of us know what we’re doing. We’re all faking it. Every last one of us, especially the experts. Our species has consistently been wrong about almost everything we’ve ever thought or believed.

So, as a freshly minted expert, work hard, do your best not to fuck things up, and don’t take your important government job so damned seriously, because human civilization is just a thin topcoat of sheer dumb luck, and it could all collapse at any moment. 

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do cops get away with murdering people?
Because the system too easily allows police to justify use of deadly force.


Do you ever feel like an anarchist?
No. I’m an anti-authoritarian, not an anarchist. My problem isn’t with systems of government per se, but rather with the systemic violence inherent to concentrations
of power.


Why do men always want to fold me into a pretzel during sex?
Porn.


I just broke up with my boyfriend and it was seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Does that make me soft?
You’re soft now, but doing hard things is what hardens you.


How fucked up is it that we can’t talk about transgenderism as a mental illness?
Your world view is the mental illness.


Is it possible to just avoid my friend’s shitty husband until they inevitably get a divorce?
Yes. I do it all the time.


Is it shallow to leave an otherwise good relationship because the sex isn’t good?
Maybe. It depends on things like your age and the depth of the relationship. Perhaps spend some time and effort examining *why* the sex isn’t good. If it’s just a lack of communication about personal preferences, things might improve with a little work. If it’s a fundamental lack of sexual chemistry, ending the relationship certainly makes more sense.


Why doesn’t it feel like he loves me?
I can’t tell you why, although it’s probably because he doesn’t. Even if he does, it certainly isn’t in a manner that satisfies your basic emotional needs, and that’s not the kind if thing that changes on its own.


You have the rhetoric of someone who’s been to rehab. Right or wrong?
The rhetoric of rehab entered the popular lexicon well over a decade ago. (And no, I haven’t been to rehab.)


so are you totally opposed to the idea of long-term romantic relationships or what
No. I prefer long-term romantic relationships. I’m just opposed to staying in unhealthy or imbalanced ones.


Have you changed much since your mid-20s?
I’ve slowed down quite a bit. I have fewer acquaintances and closer friends. I’m weirder, but I make more sense. My hair is different.

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Best-Of Advice

On a pirate queen

I’m indian-American but when I wear bindis and shit people treat me differently (negatively, like terrorist or poor deli owner or generally ugly to look at—I’m hot as shit, btw, in western clothes more people like it, w/e). When my white girlfriends borrow my clothes they look “sooo beautiful”, which is true kinda. I mean, they’re beautiful but not all indian clothes compliment their skin tone and it shows so sometimes the “you’re beautiful” is really “you’re so cultured” and I dunno. I guess I am mostly complaining because I’m cultured too, and pretty and it just bothers me, how can I change this?

The only way to change this is to build a time machine, travel back to about 1600 and become a pirate queen in the Bay of Bengal, capturing all the various Dutch, Portuguese, and English trade vessels and establishing your own private armada so that the Mughal Emperor has no choice but to allow you to invade Elizabethan England, preferably in November of 1605 so as to take advantage of the tumult and treason of the failed Gunpowder Plot.

Your invasion force would need to jail or execute everyone in the House of Lords, depose King James, and install nine year old Elizabeth Stuart as the puppet queen while forming the foundation of what would eventually become an Indian protectorate, directly controlling all trade with the rest of the world from your seat of naval power in the new Indian province of Britain.

You would need to rule with an iron fist, actively spreading art, fashion, and Hinduism throughout Europe through a massive campaign of Indian enculturation, thus altering the nature of colonial imperialism to such a degree that four hundred years later, a complete inversion of our current cultural hegemony has taken place.

I know it seems a bit extreme, but that’s really the only way you can change the way things are now. As an alternative, I suggest you wear bindis and traditional Indian fashion whenever you damn well please, because you are hot as shit, and fuck what anyone else thinks.

Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to suffer racial microaggressions. It bothers you, and it damn well should, so if someone treats you like a terrorist or a poor deli owner for wearing traditional dress, just remember that not only are you beautiful, but you’re also a motherfucking pirate queen, and you should feel free to take that asshole’s head.

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Best-Of Advice

On proto-exclusivity

Found out my guy was sleeping with somebody else in the first few months we were dating. We weren’t calling it a relationship but it was exclusive (or so I thought). It was a year ago but I’ve only found out now. I’m devastated but I love him. Fight or flight? 

If you weren’t even calling it a relationship yet, then it certainly wasn’t exclusive. Like you said, you just thought it was. That doesn’t mean it was acceptable behavior, but it does put in in a grey area. Here’s something to ask yourself: Are you devastated that your boyfriend’s dick was entering another vagina concurrently with yours? Or are you devastated that your boyfriend may have engaged in willful deception early on in your relationship? One is a manifestation of petty jealousy, and you should just get over it in time. The other is a legitimate concern for what may have been a breach of integrity.

Ultimately, the question you need to answer is do you trust your boyfriend now, within the context of your long-term relationship? If you think you can trust him, then stick around, be pissed for a little while, and then get over it. If you don’t think you can trust him, either find a way to repair that trust, or get the fuck out of the relationship.

Don’t make this about some girl your boyfriend used to fuck. Make it about your boyfriend’s integrity as it applies to your current relationship.

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Advice

On house of cards

Aren’t you done binging House of Cards? I’m not as happy with this season for some reason.

The reason is obvious. The acquisition of power makes for a more compelling story than the maintenance of it. Plus, season three was essentially the second half of the second act of a three act story. It left you unsatisfied because that’s the most dark and painful part of any hero’s journey. Season four will be the third and final act, a fucking roller coaster by comparison to season three.


I’ve got a question for you about House of Cards S3. Are you caught up? I don’t want to spoil anything. I’m on S03E02. Why does Doug syringe booze into his mouth hole?

It seems kinky, but it’s fairly typical addict behavior. It’s a combination of ritualization and rationalization. The ritualized dosing with the syringe is a way for him to feel like he still has control over his addiction, and the use of the syringe itself is a rationalization that it’s medicinal rather than recreational.

Doug justifies using Bourbon as pain medication because he never filled the prescription for those painkillers. Plus, it’s a super creepy visual representation of how his mind works. It’s a brilliant bit of character development in my opinion.


The Underwoods have an extraordinary relationship. No?

They have an extraordinary partnership. Subtle difference, but critical to understanding the nature of their marriage.


Scratch what I said about relationships. TEAM CLAIRE, baby.

Yes, this was Claire’s season, and she was by far the most interesting character.

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Advice

On a white person with dreadlocks

I’m white and having my dreadlocks properly rolled/crocheted into my hair today. No this isn’t some pathetic “I’m worried I’m offending people because of race” post. FUCK THAT. I work in the marijuana industry, am proud of my line of work and am in upper management at one.

So I’ve got a list of things to throw back at people, basically along the lines of if MY dreads are cultural appropriation then so is your nose ring and tattoos so apologize to the people of India for lifting their traditions because you think it looks cute. Any other good ones you’ve got hiding?

Nah. Do what you want with the hair on your own stupid head, but I’m not gonna give you any verbal ammunition to use against people who call you out for cultural appropriation. That might be interpreted as tacit approval of your poor aesthetic choices. Instead, I’ll give you some friendly advice:

Shut the fuck up.

If someone calls you out for appropriating black culture, simply acknowledge the fact that yes, you are. Don’t get defensive, and don’t counterattack, especially over things like nose rings and tattoos. Nose rings aren’t appropriative of Indian culture. You’re thinking of Bindis, and unless you can name the specific tribe associated with someone’s tribal tattoo, you’re only going to look like more of an asshole when trying to accuse someone of also being culturally appropriative.

Please just shut the fuck up. Seriously, there’s no way you can win this kind of argument. You *are* being culturally appropriative, so accept it, thank the person for pointing it out to you, and then smile. That’s your only move.

You’re already an asshole. Don’t be a gaping one.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What exactly characterizes the border between pursuing a love interest and being creepy/obsessive?
Putting your wishes ahead of theirs.

Where’s the line between “let yourself feel your emotions” and “just fucking get over it already”?
Self pity.


What’s the difference between cunning and manipulation?
Cunning is a skill. Manipulation is a tool, the proper use of which requires that skill.


Is marrying your partner for a visa a bad idea? I don’t want a married life and never have. But I feel like things can stay the same, regardless of this piece of paper.
I’m not sure you appreciate the legally binding nature of contracts.


I keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again. It makes me feel terrible but I can’t figure out how to stop. Any advice?
The behavior won’t change until you do. “You” aren’t going to stop, but you can become the person who will.


The last two guys I’ve had sex were healthy guys in their mid 20s and both had issues with E.D. Both claimed that it was because of their use of porn they were having issues with impotence and/or delayed ejaculation. Is this becoming a regular trend with young men?
In my completely unscientific opinion, absolutely yes.


Any difference between going for a “bad boy” versus going for an asshole?
Not really. One comes with a leather jacket and a stickshift, the other comes with a sport coat and leather seats.


Just broke up with my boyfriend of six years. I love him, but I’m only 22, and it seemed like the right thing to do. I feel like shit. Any advice?
This is your first time being single as an adult. Enjoy it. Find yourself. Learn new things. Don’t be in a rush to scramble back into a state of couplehood.


You’re kind of a bitch, but I’d totally let you fuck me with a strap on.
Putin? Is that you?

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