Advice

On private lives

Jay Z and Beyoncé exploit their own relationship. It might as well be our business what they do in their private lives if they’re offering it to us to buy and admire.

Hell no. Anyone who wears a wedding ring publicly exploits their own relationship. That doesn’t make it any of our damn business. Every last one of us has a public, a private, and a secret life. We would all do well to respect the difference, even for those who are famous.

Jay Z and Beyonce may be the closest thing we have to American royalty, but their fame doesn’t entitle us to their private lives. I know there’s an entire bottom-feeding industry of celebrity gossip that would have you believe otherwise, but TMZ is wrong.

It’s none of our fucking business.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Do you think Beyonce & Jay-Z have a monogamous marriage?
I don’t think it’s any of our motherfucking business.

Why do I scare guys I like away, and attract the ones I don’t?
That’s just your confirmation bias talking.

Why is it so fucking hard to lose those last 10 pounds?
Because the law of diminishing returns is a real thing.

The moment’s passed, obviously, but any advice as to what to do when I’m blowing a guy (on and off again bf), I look up and he’s checking his fucking phone, mid-fellatio?
If you’re just trying to get him off, feel free to immediately end the blowjob. If there’s something in it for you (like you’re getting him hard enough to fuck, or you simply enjoy sucking dick) then it’s up to you whether to give a shit. In my experience, it’s better to find that kind of thing funny rather than insulting.

To be a lawyer, do you think one should completely be abiding of the law? I get the feeling the answer’s already ‘no’, but I just don’t have any grasp of how to explain why.
No one can nor should be completely abiding of the law. If you want a better grasp on explaining why, first learn the fundamental differences between the concepts of morality, ethics, justice, and the law.

What age or when should I stop fighting wrinkles?
That’s entirely up to you, but there’s a difference between fighting wrinkles and taking care of your skin. Taking care of your skin is something you do for your own personal good health and well being. Fighting wrinkles is something you do in furtherance of ageist, patriarchal beauty standards. The regimens may be identical, but the underlying rationale makes all the difference in the world.

Thoughts on the end of Californication? You were an early fan. Have you stuck with it to the end or did you give up a couple seasons back when it got really bad?
I stuck with it, but it was awful. I was glad to see it end. Hank Moody deserved better than to become a boring clown surrounded by misogynistic cartoons.

What does your dream wedding dress look like?
The one Stephanie Seymour wore in the November Rain video. (That’s not so much a dream wedding dress as it is a “sex dream” wedding dress.)

What’s the best insult you’ve ever come up with?
I don’t know about the best, but I’m particularly fond of this one.

Advice

On feminists and vegans

I’m curious as to what you think about the “To be a Feminist is to be a Vegan” argument? Considering you’re a feminist, and clearly not vegan or vegetarian.

I had to google this ridiculousness. The argument is basically a self-serious application of the otherwise frivolous thought exercise, “If meat is murder, then are eggs are rape?” It’s an attempt to take intersectionality to an illogical conclusion by overextending intersectional feminism to include the concept of interspecies feminism.

Feminism is a movement that applies to structural inequalities in human social institutions, so the “To be a Feminist is to be a Vegan” argument ultimately fails because it conflates patriarchy with anthroparchy.

Essentially, it’s a logical fallacy of false equivalence. The problems of a male dominated society are not the same as the problems of a human dominated society. Meat may very well be murder, and eggs may very well be rape, but the exploitation of animals by humans is a completely separate issue from that of human gender equality.

Best-Of Advice

On a good person

Do you think you’re a good person?

Sure, but that’s not the right question.

I’m human. I’m capable of both good and evil, to the extent that those concepts even have meaning beyond our limited moral comprehension of the universe. I do what I can to alleviate suffering and add some measure of benefit to this bizarre little experiment we call a world, but it’s all ultimately insignificant.

It doesn’t matter whether I think I’m a good person. It only matters whether I am good to other people.

Advice

On basic skullduggery

I was recently handed information that could be the tipping point for a co-worker who has an extensive history of sub-par performance and general bitchery. She and I have never got along that well as I just don’t trust her – my gut knows she’s shady. But, she is also a human, a single mother, and has come a long way in life. My question is, do I go to my boss with what I know, potentially ending my co-workers career and feel a little like a rat or do I hold on to what I know and let things unfold without my involvement? I am supremely upset by my coworker’s behavior, but am not sure I am in the position to tear her little playhouse down and it be the best thing I can do right now. What would be the Coquette move here?

This is all very vague, and you sound a little too pleased with yourself. You’ve got some shit on a co-worker that may or may not be useful as leverage, but to what end? What do you really want to have happen here?

Do you gain anything out of getting this bitch fired? Even if you do, is it worth the potential blowback? What’s really in it for you? And remember, if you tear down your co-worker’s playhouse just to watch it fall, then that makes you pretty shady too.

Don’t waste leverage just to create drama. Either use it to achieve a specific goal — and be prepared for the consequences — or just shut the fuck up and do your job.

Advice

On the coquette troll

Long time reader here. I didn’t pose the original question, but let me just say — I totally understand the broader implications of your reply, and still thought that was the most insufferable bit of advice I’ve ever seen from you.

Yeah, I’m starting a new thing. From now on, when twits and twats submit their ridiculous opinions about individual posts through Dear Coquette, I’m just gonna stick ‘em in the comments section where they belong.

They’ll show up as the Coquette Troll.

Advice

On getting into hotel rooftop pools

This is probably the most stupid question you’ll get today, but how does one get into rooftop hotel pools? Do you have to check in first? Do you book a room for that particular afternoon to read books by the pool? This is a 100% serious question.

Actually, the stupidest questions today have been about what I think of Burger King’s viral marketing of gay hamburgers. (I’m sure Baudrillard would have something to say about simulacra with cheese, but I really can’t be bothered.)

As for rooftop pools, this isn’t as shallow a question as it seems. (Yes, I made a pun. Sue me.) You think you’re asking about the customs and process involved in finding your way onto a hotel chaise lounge, but there’s a fundamental lesson here about learning social norms and codes of behavior.

So, how does one get into rooftop hotel pools? It’s painfully simple: One belongs there. That’s all there is to it. Really.

I know you don’t like hearing that. It seems trite and dismissive, but it’s not. Besides, it’s not like I can give you some special secret handshake answer, because your question isn’t specific enough in the first place. (What works at the Mondrian on a Saturday doesn’t fly at the Chateau on a Tuesday.)

Point is, if you want to go to the pool, just go to the fucking pool. If you don’t already know, there’s no other way to figure out how, and if you pay attention and you’re not an asshole, someone who’s already there will happily fill you in on how it works.

I hope you get the broader implications of this advice.

This is a 100% serious answer.

Best-Of Advice

On the gender of your neighbor’s baby

Our neighbours just had a baby and are trying out the idea of not revealing its gender in order to disrupt and challenge the gender expectations people will invariably place on the baby. I get it, but find this kind of self-righteousness nonetheless annoying.

They also have a 3 yr old boy and are delighted when he chooses to wear one of his many dresses – they bring it up at every opportunity. It’s like they’re in a competition to be the most progressive, challenging parents on the block, but it seems to be all about their own self aggrandizement. Thoughts?

Meh. Using your offspring to challenge gender expectations is pretty much like shopping at Whole Foods. It’s not really progressive anymore. It’s just something trendy hippies do.

I dunno, maybe it’s still controversial in your corner of the world, but rich white assholes in Los Angeles have been pulling this kind of special snowflake bullshit since before Laurel Canyon had its first Prius. I mean sure, if the boy next door wants to wear dresses, that’s perfectly fine, but that doesn’t mean his parents deserve extra kale in their smoothies.

Nobody should raise a waxed eyebrow over any child’s choice of gender expression, but if your neighbors insist on challenging you to a sanctimonious game of guess-the-gender with an infant, you shouldn’t hesitate to challenge them right back.

Obviously I’m not saying you should impose traditional gender norms on their baby. (Come on, it’s not like we’re Republicans.) All I mean is that it’s fun to fuck with people who love the smell of their own farts.

Trust me, I know these types. They can’t wait to correct you when you use gendered pronouns such as “he” or “she” when referring to their human larva. That’s why you should always refer to their baby as “it,” which has the benefit of being both gender neutral and passive aggressive.

If you really want to ruffle some feathers, instead of labeling their baby as a “boy” or a “girl,” go ahead and just refer to it as an “accessory.” That’s how they’re treating it after all, as a fashionable accoutrement for their smug sense of superiority.

Sure, it’s wonderful that this next generation will grow up with the choice to proudly and openly express themselves as something other than cisgendered and heteronormative. Good for them. Still, that doesn’t mean your neighbors aren’t jerks for using their infant as a prop for a self-righteous object lesson in gender politics.

(Nerve)

Best-Of Advice

On an open marriage full of lies

My husband’s been cheating on me. We are supposed to have an open marriage, and the agreed terms are that we know what each other has been up to. Not that he hasn’t denied doing anything until he has to bring me antibiotics from the clinic because he’s caught something.

I don’t mind the sex, I mind the lying for I don’t know how long, at least a year. Not just not telling, lying when asked. I’m not possessive or weird, but we had an agreement about how this was supposed to work. If one of us wants to change the terms, it’s a negotiation, not an unilateral change.

We’ve been married for nine years. We both want an open marriage, but this whole time he has had trouble actually admitting that he is doing it with anyone else.

If it matters, we’re both bi, and he’s mostly hooked up with men, though I just learned there was one woman 10 months ago, maybe more, I don’t know. Now what?

It’s entirely up to you.

First, you need to make a rational and realistic assessment of your husband’s character, and then decide whether his potential for infidelity is enough of a glaring flaw to end your marriage.

You need to take into account that an open marriage isn’t enough for him, and it probably never will be. Cheating itself is obviously part of the thrill. He’d rather tell lies and keep secrets than put the minimum amount of effort required to keep an open marriage healthy, and that’s not something you can easily remedy.

It’s a terrible thing to learn that your husband can’t be trusted, and I’m sure he’ll come up with a long list of bullshit reasons why he lied, but at the end of the day, the fundamental reason is that he just couldn’t be bothered to be honest.

In an open marriage, he was morally lazy. It was simply easier for him to lie — and perhaps even more fun — right up until the moment it wasn’t. The question you have to ask yourself now is, can you see yourself ever being in a position to trust your husband again? Better yet, do you want to even bother?

Nine years is a long time. Maybe you want to try and make it work. Then again, nine years is a long time. Maybe you’re ready to move on.

What do you want to do?

Sure, it’s a tough decision either way, but if you do a gut check, you probably already know which way you want to go. Don’t be afraid if you have an answer. Even if he can’t be honest with you, you still have to be honest with yourself.

(Nerve)

Best-Of Advice

On the methods to my madness

Ugh coke, what happened to you? you used to be witty and funny in your cynicism. now you just sound like a jaded old dried out cunt whose lost her thunder.

I was never a cynic, fucknuts. There just happened to be a moment when you and I disliked the same things, and during that time you thought my writing was witty and funny.

Now that we don’t dislike the same things anymore — or more likely, we happen to disagree on one particular issue — I’m suddenly a “jaded old dried out cunt whose [sic] lost her thunder.” How convenient. (Keep reaching for those clichés, by the way.)

Over the past five years, I’ve grown very in tune with the cyclical nature of both building and maintaining a large base of readers. Most people think growing an audience is a steady upward climb. It’s not. The metrics are far more fascinating than that. What actually happens is that you gain readers in discrete bursts and you lose readers in discrete bursts. It’s an elaborate wave function.

Folks who pay attention to this stuff are usually satisfied to gain as many readers as they can during a positive burst and lose as few readers as they can during a negative burst, thus ensuring the maximum readership over time.

This type of behavior consists of two basic public relations postures that are fairly easy to spot. During positive bursts, the posture is one of relentless self-promotion followed by repetition of whatever gained popularity (otherwise known as “publicity.”) During negative bursts, the posture is one of apologetic self-flagellation followed by relative silence (otherwise known as “damage control.”)

So yeah, aside from the consistent output of quality content, the only trick to engaging your largest possible audience is knowing when to say, “Look at me!” and when to say, “I’m sorry.” (I’m not going to discuss deliberate attempts to gain readers in discrete bursts. That’s called marketing, and paying for it is called advertising. Either way, it’s artificial growth, and people can tell when you’re doing it.)

Now, I bring all this up, because while most people who do this kind of thing are interested in building the largest possible readership, that’s not always the goal. It’s certainly not why I do what I do here. Sure, I love having a large audience, but large is not the same thing as wide. I’m much more interested in keeping the right readers over time than I am in keeping the most readers over time.

The trick to doing this is in my ability to spot the negative bursts as they happen and then use them to my advantage. Case in point: Yesterday, I dashed off an angry response that ended with, “You should kill yourself.”

Despite the fact that I was being sarcastic in the face of outrageous misogyny, I immediately felt the initial rumblings of a negative burst. (So be it. You can’t control when these things happen, but I do find it hilarious that no one seems to remember that I ran an entire side-blog called “Just Kill Yourself” back in the Dear Coke Talk days.)

If my goal had been to maintain maximum readership, I simply would have replaced the, “You should kill yourself” line with, “I hope you die in a fire.” (This in itself would have been a subtle dig at the silly whims of political correctness, because while it may be fashionable to scold people for joking about suicide, no one gives a shit about the delicate sensibilities of burn victims.)

I abhor political correctness, and tumblr is awash in hashtag activists and social justice warriors who take immense delight in their duties as semiprofessional finger waggers. Those are exactly the kind of people I don’t want hanging around, so later that afternoon, I loaded the top three answers of a fun-sized advice with incendiary language to provoke a deliberate response. Right on cue, my inbox fills up with whiny self-righteousness. I picked the submission that best represented a certain type of person, and then crafted an ad hominem attack specifically designed to personally offend that certain type of person.

It worked. It always works. (If you’ve read this far, you’re probably a regular reader, and you can remember any number of occasions when I left my ring on during a bitch slap.) Point is, I’d much rather have a say in the type of readers I lose when it inevitably comes time to lose them. I lost a couple hundred followers with that last post, and probably pissed off a thousand more. That’s fine with me. I’m glad they’re gone.

This isn’t something I do because I disagree with a particular point of view. It’s something I do because every once in a while, it’s good to clear the echo chamber of all the whiners. It becomes so much easier to hear the relevant conversations when they’re not around.