I thought kindness was a matter of compassion.
Nope. Good intentions are a matter of compassion. (Compassion is a passive emotion, whereas altruism is an active principle.)
On kind, good, and nice
What’s the difference between being kind, being good, and being nice?
Being kind is a matter of altruism. Being good is a matter of morality. Being nice is a matter of etiquette.
On long term and long distance
I can’t stop thinking about the person my partner dated before me. They only dated for a few months but I know it was really intense and even though we’ve been together for ages it keeps cropping up in my mind. I never used to be jealous before, why is this happening now, so far into our relationship? It’s completely irrational and it’s driving me fucking crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Let me make the problem obvious for you by translating some of your bullshit:
When you say, “I can’t stop thinking about the person my partner dated before me,” what you really mean is, “I can’t help projecting my own relationship insecurities onto the nearest available target.”
When you say “I know it was really intense and even though we’ve been together for ages it keeps cropping up in my mind,” what you really mean is, “I’m terrified that they had better sex than we do, especially now that things are getting stale between us.”
When you say, “It’s completely irrational and it’s driving me fucking crazy,” what you really mean is, “I’m not self-aware enough to recognize self-destructive patterns in my behavior.”
And of course, when you say, “I don’t know what to do anymore,” what you’re really saying is, “I’ve never really known how to handle the inevitable ennui that sets in with every long-term relationship I’ve ever had.”
My boyfriend and I have been together two years. We’re gonna have to do the distance thing next year— we’re graduating, and I found a job here while he found a job at home. Is this a terrible time to tell him that I still want to explore being poly? It’s either the best idea or the worst and I can’t tell which.
This all hangs on your use of the word “still.” If you’ve already explored polyamory together, or at the very least brought up the possibility of being polyamorous, you should already know how your boyfriend feels about it.
Don’t act like this shit is a mystery. You two can either handle it, or you can’t. Factor in the added stress of a long distance relationship, and you know damn well whether this is the best idea or the worst idea.
Either way, it’s still probably better than the alternative.
On fun-sized advice
I’m afraid that when I quit my job I’ll realize that it wasn’t the reason I am so unhappy.
The irony is that you’re unhappy because you’re afraid.
I would love to ask you something, but nothing comes to mind because I already have all the answers.
Awesome. Help me out with the answer to this one: Why is there something rather than nothing?
I wake up every day and think of how much i want to be dead for about an hour before i can force myself to get up from my bed. I’m scared to talk about this with my therapist or anyone else.
Read this to your therapist in your next session.
Why am I so scared of committing to a nice, sweet guy who I regularly hang out and sleep with? What’s stopping me from making it official?
You still think you can do better.
Sooo, after figuring out love n shit… whats good?
Money.
Is love after a week of being with someone just infatuation?
Yes.
Is it possible to love someone and be attracted to them without being romantically in love with them? Am I just deluding myself?
Yes and yes.
Do you believe in free will?
That’s kind of like asking if I believe in god, in that it’s pointless if you don’t define your terms.
What do you think of Rich Kids of Instagram?
I love RKOI. I like to think of each post as a crime photo, as if they’re tiny pieces of evidence that can be used at trial if the revolution ever comes.
How come I like you way more on twitter than on here?
Because twitter is candy, and here I make you eat your vegetables.
On trigger warnings
Trigger warnings on classic literature? Am I that calloused and cold hearted or is this really as ridiculous as it sounds?
It is cringe-inducingly ridiculous. When legitimately used, trigger warnings are a rare but occasionally necessary therapeutic consideration in establishing a safe space for trauma survivors. Unfortunately, trigger warnings have been seized upon with hypocritical zeal by left-wing thought police and warped into sanctimonious spoiler alerts for the delicate sensibilities of those whose political correctness is only outmatched by their victim mentality.
Speaking as someone who suffers from PTSD related panic attacks, trigger warnings as a pop-cultural fad are incredibly condescending, and I can’t wait to see them fall out of favor.
On making a difference
Is it possible to make a difference without coming off as a left wing activist nutjob?
I am a graphic designer and I want to use my abilities to help change the world for the better. I believe in sustainable food production and reversing climate change.
I know I can create compelling work, but how can I help my audience actually PAY ATTENTION?
Fuck all the insufferably trendy beliefs that you wear like fashion accessories for your identity. Fuck your untested self-esteem and the assumption that any of your work is the least bit compelling. Fuck whatever social media follower count you’ve confused for an actual audience.
Do you have any idea how much of a naive asshole you sound like when you say you want to change the world with your graphic design abilities? You will never “make a difference,” whatever that bullshit phrase means. Hell, you aren’t even interesting enough to come off as a left-wing activist nutjob. At least those people have something to say.
Nope, you’re just another insufferable twat with a popular pair of pet causes and a vague sense of self-importance who thinks that just because you breathe air and have an opinion, you deserve everyone’s undivided fucking attention.
Sorry, kid. You don’t deserve shit. You came knocking at the wrong fucking door if you wanted someone to blow smoke up your ass and slather your ego with Astroglide and affirmations.
No one gives a fuck about your hopes and dreams, and you don’t get credit for good intentions. Compelling work speaks for itself, so please, by all means, feel free to go off into the world and prove me wrong. Then again, you should also feel free to go fuck yourself.
Either way, somebody needed to tell you.
On fun-sized advice
If I want to read, write, see the world, etc., then why do I spend all of my time playing videogames?
Because your idealized self-image does not match reality.
If I might die today what is the point of saving money, or planning for the future at all really??
Sure, you might die today, but you probably won’t for quite some time. Don’t be an asshole about it, and deal with your shit.
Is there any truth to “fake it til you make it?”
Only if you make it.
My guy friend thinks that women just don’t have analytical brains, and that is why all of the top performers in “intellectual” professions are men. How do I stop giving a fuck about idiots like this so I don’t spend my life angry?
Stop being friends with them.
How do you define “losing your virginity”?
Your virginity isn’t something I care to define. Spend some time analyzing the cultural and historical implications of virginity, then decide for yourself whether you think it’s still a relevant concept.
Would you fuck Putin?
With a rainbow colored twelve inch strap-on.
Why am I so unsettled by George W. Bush’s paintings?
Because each shallow canvas is irrefutable evidence that a childlike simpleton spent eight long years as President of the United States.
What’s the difference between group sex and an orgy?
Name tags.
I like you but I think that I like you in the same way I like cheap vodka, an easy way out. Obviously you’re human but seriously your ego and sheer arrogance is painful to read. I once found your advice to be that of a big sister that I never had but I’ve lost the faith. Is it me or is it you? Both?
It’s not me. It’s the voice in your head you hear when you read me, which is really just a projection of yourself. You’re thinking more critically now, and that’s the whole point. I’m glad that you once found my advice sisterly, but at the same time, I’m just as happy for you to realize that I’m as completely full of shit as everyone else.
You seem to be a pretty negative person all-around. Does that ever get tiring?
Bitch, please. I’m a fucking pleasure.
On basic fucking morality
So I don’t really get this ‘thou shall not have sex with another woman’s man’ mantra. I’m not saying I agree with cheating, I’m just saying the blame is 100% on the actual cheater. Like, if you’re not friends, if you don’t know her, then you’re not breaking any loyalty. You don’t owe her anything. The person who cheated, they are breaking someone’s trust. So if you then decide that you don’t want to sleep with someone who has a partner, because they’re clearly a shitty person for wanting to, that’s different. I don’t really see how the person someone cheated with is morally reprehensible themselves, since the pain their partner will feel stems from the fact they cheated, not the fact they cheated with *you*. So, since you clearly don’t agree, I suppose my question is, why am I wrong?
You’re wrong because your moral code is weak, and your position is a perfect example of moral disengagement through diffusion of responsibility.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re friends with the other woman or not. If you knowingly have sex with another woman’s man, you are complicit in the affair. Yes, what he’s doing is much worse, but what you are doing is still wrong. Sorry, but you don’t get a free pass just because you have emotional distance from the person you’re hurting.
And don’t try and make this about loyalty. It’s not. It’s about common fucking decency, and fucking another woman’s man simply because “you don’t owe her anything” makes you a shitty person.
Honestly, this is entry-level morality we’re talking about here. Why is this stuff so hard for you people to understand?
On the subtleties of betrayal
I fucked a guy last night. He has a girlfriend, and has for over a year. I was aware this girlfriend existed when I fucked him, and in fact had met her before. They are not in an open relationship, so him having sex with someone else is bona fide cheating, and not okay. He’s swore me to secrecy on the subject and we agreed it wouldn’t happen again, though I have a feeling a part of him wants it to happen again. I don’t, because (at the risk of sounding like I’m wallowing in self pity) I’ve spent the entire day berating myself internally for having acted like a morally reprehensible whore. I guess what I’m asking is how is the best way to make peace with it, or should I make peace with it, or maybe I just want you to give me the metaphorical kick up the ass I deserve for this. Help.
I can’t help you. This shit’s on you. You did wrong. You deserve to feel like a morally reprehensible whore, and if you have the slightest bit of integrity, you’ll make peace with this incident by resolving never to do it again.
Don’t have sex with another woman’s man. It’s as simple as that. Obviously, the guy in this situation is a deplorable asshole, but this isn’t about him. It’s about his poor unfortunate girlfriend who you knew about ahead of time. Put yourself in her shoes, and recognize that she’s the one you hurt.
The good news is that you seem to have a conscience. Listen to it in the future, because this is some basic golden rule shit: Do unto other women’s boyfriends as you would have other women do unto yours.
My boyfriend knows I’m bisexual. The girl I’m seeing on the side (with his consent) know I’m bisexual. Hardly any of my friends know and the ones that do have reacted poorly, more so to the openness of my relationship with him than anything else. How do I explain it so that they understand I’m not betraying him?
You don’t have to explain yourself to close-minded people, but if it’s important to you that some of your more vanilla friends understand the type of relationship you have, start by letting them know that monogamy and fidelity aren’t the same thing. Being true and faithful in a relationship has no inherent connection to how many sexual partners you have.
Open relationships aren’t that big a deal. Bisexuality isn’t that big a deal. A bisexual woman with a primary boyfriend and a girlfriend on the side really isn’t that big a deal. In the spectrum of non-traditional relationships, your situation barely moves the needle on the freak-o-meter.
Not that your lifestyle choices are anyone else’s business, but if your friends aren’t even capable of wrapping their pointy little heads around the concept of open relationships, you might want to consider finding some new friends.
On surrounding yourself with good people
“Age 25: Surround yourself with good people.”
I’m 25. This is the point in my life that I have reached. What is it about being 25 that makes this so obvious and so important?
Around the time you reach your first quarter-century, most of your post-adolescence has been spent establishing your identity. You’ve come to know yourself well enough that you begin making long-term commitments to the people in your life.
As you start forming intimate, reciprocal relationships with friends, colleagues, and potential life partners, nothing is more important than surrounding yourself with good people — not your education, not your career, not your hopes and dreams — nothing.
Really, I can’t stress this enough. Choosing to build your life around good people while you’re in your twenties will have a greater impact on your future happiness than anything else you ever do.