Advice

On women ruling the world

Hillary over Warren because Warren is not a viable candidate or because you actually prefer Hillary?


I actually prefer Hillary. At this point, she’s more qualified to be President than anyone else on the planet, including her husband.

Warren is fantastic, but she’s still more functionary than figurehead. She’d go great in Hillary’s cabinet, preferably as Treasury Secretary. With Yellen as Fed Chair, that would be an unprecedented triumvirate of women in charge of the whole goddamned monetary system.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What do you think about monogamy?
I think it’s limiting, problematic, and too often confused with fidelity.

What do you think about Chuck Palahniuk?
I think he’s great. I want him to go all Roald Dahl and start writing children’s books.

How does George Zimmerman have a girlfriend?
Florida.

What do you think about Adam Levine?
I do not think about Adam Levine. At all. Ever. (Even just now, answering this question, didn’t think a single thing about him.)

You’ll be voting for Hillary, right?
Voting? Hell, I’d leave my job to work on her campaign.

Is Angelina Jolie for real? She seems so great, does all this great stuff, has these gorgeous kids she both adopted and created with Brad…what’s she hiding?
Nothing. Well, nothing unusual. Just crippling self doubt and decades worth of daddy issues. You know, just like the rest of us.

Why does my skin crawl whenever someone says “my parents taught me to be tolerant.”
Because what they’re really saying is “my parents taught me how to mask my arrogance and manage my white guilt with sanctimonious lip service to basic human decency.”

Have you ever had your IQ formally tested? Do you know what your actual IQ is? I ask for a paper I’m writing for my Intro to Psychology class.
Yep. I had my IQ formally tested for a research study back in school. I don’t know my score, but it was more than three standard deviations from the mean, so I couldn’t participate in the study. (At least, that’s what they told me.)

So tell us, how did you mend your heart over the last month?
Doing this.

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Advice

On writing your book

I’m currently writing a book about millennial drug culture… this isn’t some “poor little rich girl” Cat Marnell-style name-drop fest either. I’m trying to really dig deep into my experiences as a festival lot rat the past 7 years (and Coachella does NOT count, I’m talking real festivals and real bands). And dig further into the concept that being a heavy recreational user in this era is just as important now as it was in the 60’s, I want to bring understanding that the counterculture didn’t die at Altamont, but lives on as the bastard child of the past 4 decades.

As someone who has wonderful taste in literature and values books, do you think writing a book is a total waste of time these days? I sincerely don’t think this whole concept could be fit into a blog but I can’t shake this feeling that the published word (no matter what its about) is being shoved aside and that this is a waste of efforts.

 

Writing a book is never a waste of time. The published word is an ever-evolving art form, and good storytelling will never be shoved aside as long as the human experiment continues.

Also, Coachella does count. Don’t be an asshole about this. Seven years is long enough for you to remember what that festival used to be, and the worst mistake you can make is pissing off legions of potential readers by telling them that the bands they love aren’t “real,” whatever that means.

While you’re at it, be careful not to eulogize the 60’s too much. That decade gets way more credit than it deserves. The fucking baby-boomers who were our age back then claim counterculture as their creation in the same way that every generation thinks they invented oral sex.

Fuck that noise. Sure, we all would’ve loved to have seen Hendrix live at the Fillmore, but our drugs are a helluva lot better, and I’m willing to bet that Miike Snow live at the Fonda was just as much of a religious experience for those who were there.

Don’t ever try and talk yourself out of writing a book. Leave the bullshit excuses about the state of the industry for the sad bastards who have already given up on their dream of being published.

If it’s in your head, get it the fuck out. Worst case, it’s a piece of shit that sits on a shelf, but that’s still infinitely better than daring yourself to do it and then never following through.

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Advice

On supporting your children

Whoa, back up here, please.

Parents need to support their children all the way. I’m not talking about financially spoiling them. I’m talking about helping their child to see that trying and failing is nothing that will kill you. They need to get behind their child and help them see how to focus. While you are almost definitely right on the nose with slashes, I feel you’re off the mark with support. This girls problem is that she’s unrealistic, not that her parents should or shouldn’t support her. Either her mom or dad should google her some auditions and give her some bus fare.

Um, no. Parents should love their children unconditionally. Supporting them unconditionally is how you get narcissistic monsters high on their own self-esteem.

The childish desire to be a singer/model/dancer/actor might be cute (if not annoying) in a seven year old, but it’s a glaring fucking character flaw in a seventeen year old.

Encouraging your children to pursue their interests is one thing, but don’t confuse developing their talents for indulging their egos. Getting your little girl dance or voice lessons is completely different from allowing her to grow up with some unspecified craving for celebrity.

It’s not like this kid is a C student with unrealistic dreams of getting into medical school. This is a fame-obsessed twit with the pathological desire to be the center of every stage.

Point is, there are dreams you get behind and help your child try even if they fail, and there are fantasies that simply just should not be supported.

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Best-Of Advice

On achieving your stupid fantasies

Will I achieve my dreams of becoming what I’m passionate about which is being a Singer/Model/Dancer/Actor even tho I’m completely unsupported by my parents both morally and financially, because their totally against it should i give up is it worth carrying on and pursuing this dream or should i just give up.

 

You are never going to be a professional singer/model/dancer/actor. That’s not even a thing. In fact, you will never achieve your dreams if all they are is ridiculous fantasies.

You are not passionate about singing, modeling, dancing, and acting. You’re just a silly child who’s fascinated by the idea of fame, and your parents are right not to provide moral or financial support for your self-absorbed fantasy of becoming a singer/model/dancer/actor.

I’m sure your parents are intimately aware of what was obvious to me after reading what you consider to be just one sentence: you’re an idiot. They’re not going to tell you you’re an idiot because they love you, but to their credit, they’re also not going to encourage your idiocy.

Let me tell you a secret I’ve learned from all my years in Los Angeles. People who use slashes in their self-bestowed titles are losers. Always. Every time, with no exceptions. The more slashes, the bigger the loser. The most common form is model/actress, and they’re bad enough, but when you start adding singer/dancer/whatever into the mix, shit starts getting insufferable.

Do not become one of these sad, pathetic losers.

If you have a dream (not a fantasy) of becoming a performer of some kind, and that dream is backed up with a shit-ton of talent and a burning passion to dedicate your life to perfecting your craft, and you’re willing to spend years broke and hungry while paying your dues, grinding your way through mountains of bullshit, avoiding all the pitfalls and predators, getting your ass kicked repeatedly to maybe one day have enough blind fucking luck to get a shot at earning a meager living doing what you love, then there’s a outside chance that it might be possible for you to become a singer. Or maybe an actor. Probably not a dancer, and definitely not a model.

Point is, you can pick one. Just one. Get rid of the slashes. No one will ever take you seriously until you do, and even then, whatever stupid fame-whore dream you have is almost definitely not going to come true, even if you devote your life to it.

Oh, and if any of this seems harsh, it only further proves my point that you’re a silly child who doesn’t know the difference between a dream and a fantasy.

I’d tell you good luck, but I really don’t think it’s gonna matter.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Are all white people racist?
No, of course not, but all white people benefit from racism.

Why is it so hard to quit a jerk?
It’s hard to quit anyone once you’ve fallen for them. The more important question is why you pick jerks to begin with.

How is natural beauty an inherently hypocritical concept?
People present the concept of “natural beauty” as a rejection of common beauty standards, when in fact it is the purest form of an unattainable beauty standard. Thus the inherent hypocrisy.

My fuck buddy wants a relationship. What’s the least awkward way to tell him that I’m not looking for a commitment?
Use whatever words you’d like, but the least awkward way is to immediately stop fucking him.

I feel bad about this but I find it repulsive when men cry. What’s up with that?
Your dad was an asshole.

May we gush over Tom Hardy for a second, though?
Sploosh.

What do you think of people who police other people’s eating habits?
Not sure exactly how you mean, but you know, fuck the police.

What separates “video game enthusiast” from “undateable man-child”? My relationship might depend on your answer.
It’s not about the video games. Regardless of his enthusiasms, if you have to put with hissy-fits and passive-aggressive behavior in the face of reasonable expectations, you are in a relationship with a man-child.

How do I know whether or not my liking girls is a phase or permanent?
Everything is a phase. Nothing is permanent. Your sexual identity never has to be cast in stone, and your orientation can remain fluid throughout your life.

I don’t love Lena Dunham either, but you’re being a cyber bully.
Nope. Cyber bullies hit below the belt with cruel comments about her physical appearance. I make smart-ass remarks about her cultural influence. Valid social criticism isn’t bullying.

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Advice

On movies that make me cry

Are there any movies that make you cry? Maybe not every time, but the first time you saw it?


Oh, hell yes. Shamelessly. When it comes to movies, I am a crying crier who cries. Off the top of my head, and in no particular order, here’s a list of the ones that fuckin’ got me:

Steel Magnolias
Searching for Sugar Man
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
Good Will Hunting
Dead Poets Society
American Beauty
Lars and the Real Girl
Donnie Darko
Igby Goes Down
Little Miss Sunshine
Forrest Motherfucking Gump (I was too young to know any better.)
Cast Away (Damn you, Wilson.)
Road to Perdition (Damn you, Tom Hanks.)
Cloud Atlas (Seriously, Tom Hanks. Quit it.)
Warrior (Holy shit, Tom Hardy.)
Cinema Paradiso
Boogie Nights
Blow
Marley and Me (Duh)
Requiem for a Dream
The series finale of Six Feet Under (I know it’s not a movie, but anyone who saw it knows exactly what I’m talking about.)
Philomena (Might as well make this a running list.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

What is the difference between, “fucking,” “having sex,” and “making love”?
The kind of music playing in the background.

What is the difference between art and pornography?
The kind of music playing in the background.

Favorite and least favorite Real Housewife?
Favorite? NeNe. Love that bitch. Least favorite? Probably Alexis. Of all the gargoyles and garbage monsters, she represents the most evil. Teresa is pretty awful too, but her kids are so adorable that I let shit slide.

Why am I always attracted to my boyfriend’s friends more than other guys?
Proximity and ineligibility. That shit’ll get you high.

Why does Gaga’s new stuff seem so fucking tired?
Just because it’s new music doesn’t mean she’s evolved, and 2008 was a long fucking time ago.

Is it hypocritical of a person who advocates natural beauty to get a nose job?
Sure it is, but natural beauty is an inherently hypocritical concept. (Besides, just because you advocate it doesn’t mean you have any.)

Would you renounce your citizenship to live with your lover in Switzerland?
Hell no. I might get dual citizenship for a husband in Switzerland, but renouncing things for lovers is a stupid way to live your life. (Unless you’re permanently living abroad with a shit-ton of cash and trying not to get fucked by the new tax compliance act, I don’t recommend ever renouncing your US citizenship.)

Bitch, you’re totally a lawyer. It takes a lawyer to know a lawyer.
The lawyers think I’m a lawyer. The shrinks think I’m a shrink. The escorts think I’m an escort. I’m seeing a pattern here.

I’m in a sorority, and because I’m graduating this year I’m leaving the younger members a bound copy of every advice post you’ve done. You fucking rock.
Right on. Send me your contact information, and I’ll write your little freshman bitches an introduction or something.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Please tell me you hate Texas.
No, I don’t hate Texas. I just hate willful ignorance in the form of organized religion, jingoistic nationalism, and patriarchal machismo. Texas is a delicious bowl of chili, but unfortunately, a bunch of idiots keep adding those three beans to the recipe.

I get told that because I prefer older men I have some kind of father complex, and it bothers the hell out of me. What do I tell these people who keep insisting that my preferences are from having a lack of father in my life? I probably should ignore them but it’s really starting to get to me.
Ignore them if you want, but it’s not gonna stop bothering you until you come to accept the underlying truth in it. Of course, you also need to accept that it’s not a flaw. There’s absolutely no shame in the correlation.

I have friends who never stop babbling about how technology is the answer and how we’re so lucky to have the web and our smart phones etc. etc. I have other friends who get off hard to Walden and are constantly mourning this collective loss of physical experience to the virtual. I see both sides but can’t really vibe with either extreme. Where do you draw your lines?
Please. Thoreau would’ve never logged off of tumblr. We’re the luckiest motherfuckers in the history of the species to have the internet and all its accoutrements. There’s no need to make a false dichotomy out of the physical and the virtual. All you have to do is maintain a balance and draw the lines at common courtesy.

Thanks for posting so much lately! I’m sure I’m not alone in expressing how awesome it’s been. Just curious—why the change in pace?
Honestly? I’m procrastinating. There’s other shit I should be doing right now.

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Best-Of Advice

On making your bed

Is it strange that your advice to start by making your bed brought tears to my eyes? Being suicidal is basically the most difficult thing I’ve had to live with (pun slightly intended) and the simplicity of that first step… it just hit home. Thank you.

It may seem simple, but making your bed is quietly one of the most important daily rituals a person can have. I promise, it will change your life. I know that sounds like hyperbole, but it’s not. Those of you who already do it know exactly what I mean.

First and foremost, making your bed forces you to get out of it. That’s not necessarily a small feat, especially if you’re suffering from depression. Not only are you out of bed, but you can’t get back in. It’s a line of demarcation that officially starts your day.

More than that, though, it’s a ceremonial act of respect for oneself. It’s a deliberate measure of control that you can always take, even when the rest of your life is complete and utter chaos.

Do it. Every damn morning. It only takes a minute, but it will have a cascading effect that subtly improves everything else about the rest of your day, right up to the moment when you get to crawl back in to a well made bed at night.

When I think of all the truly successful people I’ve known in my life, the ones who really have their shit together, all of them — every last one — routinely make their beds every single morning. This is not a coincidence.

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