Advice

On a dick tease

What was supposed to be a no biggie fling has turned into a brain exploding headfuck with a guy who has suddenly decided he doesn’t want to sleep with me because he “respects me as a human-being” and even though he finds me “extremely sexually attractive” doesn’t want to use me like a “toy” and is afraid sex will lead to “feelings”.

The misogyny embedded in his dick-teasing explanations for not wanting to fuck make me want to put my head through a wall. Last time I was single, this city was a casual sex fest. I haven’t yet encountered this shit and I’m really confused.

I’m pretty butthurt I didn’t get laid cos, apparently, I’m a “woman” and I have “feelings” and those “feelings” are activated through my vagina. How should I process this stupid shit?

He just didn’t want to fuck you. It happens. Get over it.

It’s okay, though. I know his type. The sex would have been terrible, and he’d have been calling you a cab while you were still wiping his cum off your tits.

Of course, that’s what he was trying to tell you with all that coded “nice guy” bullshit. You just have to know how to read between the lines. When this guy said he’s afraid sex would lead to “feelings,” what he meant is that he’s afraid sex would lead to “you being needy.”

And he doesn’t find you “extremely sexually attractive” any more than he “respects you as as human-being.” That’s just him being patronizing. After all, for him to think that casual sex would be “using you like a toy” pretty much sums up his internalized opinion of women as sex objects.

I get that rejection sucks, but not getting laid by an emotionally crippled douchebag ain’t the worst thing that’ll happen to you this week. Hard dick is good to find, but good dick is harder to find than you think. Keep looking. You’ll get some soon enough.

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Best-Of Advice

On questioning everything

I’m a young, black Muslim girl. I started wearing hijab last year and I’m still not used to the male-gaze/the white gaze. I get so uncomfortable, sad, and annoyed to have literally everyone stare at me constantly and make such weird attempts to grab my attention. I’m an introvert obviously. Other than the scarf, I dress not much differently than your average teenage girl. What do I do?

Question everything.

Question your religion. Question your morality. Question the Islamic culture that attempts to define female standards of modesty. Question the Western culture that attempts to define female standards of modesty differently than Islamic culture.

Question the male gaze that attempts to sexually objectify you. Question the white gaze that attempts to define your value in its own terms. Question every social institution that attempts to control you or label you as the “Other.”

Question your family’s expectations of you. Question the expectations you have for your life, and then once you’ve questioned everything, once you’ve come to terms with the way the world works, once you’ve freely and thoughtfully decided upon the kind of person you want to be, then you go and do whatever you think is best.

Whether you wear hijab is incidental. What matters is your freedom to choose, the depth of your choice, the courage of your convictions once you’ve decided for yourself.

Questioning everything is what gives you the inner strength to live your life however you damn well please, and tell anyone who doesn’t like it to go fuck themselves.

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Best-Of Advice

On all that matters

So wait, in one post you said both “We’re social animals with a biological imperative to reproduce. That’s it. That’s all. Love is a neurochemical response with a shelf life long enough to perpetuate the species.”  and “All we have in this world is relationships with other people. At this stage in our evolution, nothing else matters.”  I mean, yell at me all you want, but I’m confused.  Is love not a relationship with another person?  Does that mean it doesn’t matter or it’s all that matters?  I don’t get it.

Both. It’s both, my friend. Love doesn’t matter, and yet it’s all that matters.

This doesn’t have to be confusing. You just have to be willing to accept the premise that nothing matters. We’re all dust. Not just our individual selves, but the entirety of the human experiment. It’s all going to be a pile of ashes one day.

Most people recoil at the thought of annihilation. It terrifies them. They invent silly gods and ridiculous myths of armageddon or eternal life, all to stave off the creeping inevitability of the nothingness to which we will all return.

Don’t recoil from your own impermanence. Accept it. Embrace it. Gaze into the abyss, and let the abyss gaze back into you, because if you can let go of your fear while maintaining eye contact with nothingness, the singular importance of love will crystalize right in front of you. It will be an unavoidable revelation.

Love doesn’t matter, and yet it’s all that matters. The contradiction melts away once you come to terms with not just yours but everything’s eventual annihilation. Sure, love is just a neurochemical response with a shelf life long enough to perpetuate the species, but so what? It’s all we’ve fucking got.

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Advice

On a solitary birthday

I turned 23 today and feel like shit. No money, no plans, no family or friends around to celebrate. What would you do to make this day worth it?


No need to feel like shit. It’s good to have a birthday like that every once in a while. Savor it. Reflect. Get contemplative.

You’ve spent the last decade growing out of childhood and becoming an adult. How do you want to grow over the next decade? Who do you want to be at 33? Sincerely try and come up with an answer. Put some deep thought into it, and then sit down and write a birthday letter to yourself.

Trust me, in a few years, you’ll come to appreciate how you memorialized your 23rd birthday a helluva lot more than the ones where you just blew out a few candles.

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Advice

On a jealous boyfriend

He can’t handle me having contact with other guys—- even on Facebook. I’m ONLY into him… like head over heels, otherwise I would say fuck it and head out. He has apologized profusely. He has a lot of issues involving exes cheating and an abusive dad beating the thought that’s he’s a POS into his head emotionally and physically.  He is an amazing person, the most altruistic person I have met. He treats me better than anyone ever has. How do I approach this?


He’s not an amazing person. He’s just a dude, one with severe trust and control issues who’s making a bunch of excuses for behavior that is absolutely unacceptable.

You aren’t gonna hear me when I say this, but you should run for the fucking hills. You won’t, though. You’re in love, and your standards are pretty low.

At the very least, quit making excuses for his bullshit. Don’t ever let him use his jealousy as a means to control you. You can have contact with whomever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want.

If he can’t handle it, that’s his problem to fix. He’s the one with the glaring character flaw, and it’s not on you to appease him.

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Advice

On meaninglessness

I think that things are meaningless on their own so we are supposed to give them a meaning.

Sorry, but no. The only difference between “we” and “things” is the illusion of your subjectivity. Things are not “on their own.” You can’t separate yourself from meaninglessness, and any attempt to do so is merely an expression of your ego.

That’s all your ego does, really. It gives meaning to things, relentlessly insisting that you exist, right up until you don’t.

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Advice

On things made by women

Breaking Bad has left me feeling a bit over-saturated by men’s crises, so I want to take a month where I exclusively think about things made by women. You’ve got taste, could you recommend me some good books, lectures, films, music?


Off the top of my head, try reading The Tiger’s Wife by Téa Obreht and Salvage the Bones by Jesmyn Ward. Get your daily news from Rachel Maddow. If you can, catch “In A World…” while it’s still in theaters. Binge watch Top of the Lake and Orange Is the New Black on Netflix. Listen to Lorde’s new album on repeat.

That should make for a pretty decent month.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized bullshit

My boyfriend has gained some weight and I feel like a shit person for being less attracted to him now.
Yeah, being shallow sucks. Sorry your boyfriend is gross.

Rihanna’s ‘Pour it Up’ made me think of you.
Thanks, but I’m not gonna start critiquing music videos just because you say they make you think of me.

Bonnie McKee’s “American Girl” video makes me think of you.
Okay, now you’re just being silly.

Sinead vs. Miley. Care to weigh in?
Sinead’s open letter was condescending and misguided, but her heart was in the right place. She’s wrong about Miley being exploited, though. Miley is the one doing the exploiting.

Haven’t you obtained a potentially-ostentatious amount of wealth by working hard?
Ha! No.

If I won’t receive material wealth and happiness through hard work, what is the point of living? Terrible question. I’ll think about this. Thanks.
I’ve said it before, there is no point. Work hard if you can. Attain material wealth if you can. Be happy if you can. Whatever. There’s still no point.

I don’t want to get old. Please make it stop.
Growing old is a privilege reserved for the lucky and the strong, so quit your fucking whining and accept the fact that the human condition is a death march of futility and decay.

Is rose wine tacky? Or for grandmas? Damnit I like it.
That shit is fucking delicious. Just don’t ever bring around a bottle of white zinfandel acting like it’s rosé.

Do you think sex is overrated?
What’s being sold to you as sex is overrated.

What’s the difference between snark and sass?
Proximity.

Will you be my mom?
Hell no.

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Advice

On loaning money to friends

My friend’s car got towed last night and she has to pay $240 to get it back.  She’s broke and can’t pay it all and asked me if I can loan her some cash.  I used to live with her and she was terrible about paying me back for small things like grocery money, so I really don’t want to lend her money again.  Am I being a total bitch?


You’re not being a bitch. Your friend has already proven herself to be irresponsible and unreliable, so just tell her no. If she gives you the slightest amount of shit for refusing to make her money problems your money problems, cut her out of your life. People like that are poison.

As a general rule, don’t lend money to friends unless you’re happy to do it and won’t mind if you’re never paid back.

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Best-Of Advice

On a bugatti

Forgive me for my ignorance, but what’s a Bugatti?

A Bugatti is a multi-million dollar, ultra-exotic sports car under an Italian marque built by a French manufacturer owned by a bunch of Germans.

Bugattis are hideous. They look like a Porsche wearing an angry motorcycle helmet. They’re obviously designed to appeal to coked-up Saudi Princes, but hey, if you wanna get date raped after a night of clubbing by the douchebag son of a billionaire, the Bugatti is definitely the car to do it in.

Last year some hoodrat Florida rapper jumped off of Rick Ross’s dick long enough to produce an embarrassingly bad auto-tuned mess of a track featuring the lyrical hook, “I woke up in a new Bugatti.” It was a huge hit, and now Bugatti has replaced Maybach as the vehicular status symbol most fetishized by people who don’t know any better.

Of course, for her latest single Brit-Brit needed something that rhymed with “hot body,” and since “Illuminati” would have been inappropriate, she went with “Bugatti” and “Maserati.” You know, because two Italian sports cars and visible abs represent the aspirational limits of her fan base.

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