Been a huge fan of yours since the start, love your work. Writing to you is bittersweet – sucks about the problem, excited about the advice. Anyway, my issue is to do with my sex life. My boyfriend and I have been together just over two years. At first (as is the case with the start of most relationships, I suppose) we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. This suited me and my high sex drive just fine, and he also purported to be a very sexual person so it worked well. After a while it dropped off a bit, but now we hardly have sex at all. It bothers me a lot. We’ve spoken about it a fair bit and there’ve been various explanations on his part and promises from both of us to make more of an effort, to no real avail. Last night, however, he spoke to me about his last serious girlfriend and some intimacy issues they had which have made him more reserved about sex…the conversation was good and I felt like it explained a lot. He’s said he wants to be more intimate but due to his last girlfriend being very withdrawn he finds the business of starting sex very difficult (whether he or I initiates). It’s the build up that gets him, when we actually do it it’s really great and this “sexual guy” comes out. Our relationship is also very strong apart from this.
After the talk we agreed we should make more attempts to get back into it, but I don’t want to pressure him too much as that makes things worse. Oh Coketalk, what do you suggest? How do you convince someone to do something that they want to do but won’t? Are we really screwed (or not, as the case may be)? Do I need to adjust my expectations? Thanks babe.
He’s done fucking you. That’s it. That’s all. Sorry, but it happens.
Your boyfriend knows perfectly well how to initiate sex. He couldn’t keep his hands off you at one point, right? It’s not like he forgot. He just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Literally.
Maybe he’s got some sexual anxiety issues, but I doubt it. Odds are, he’s got unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex with a long-term partner. In other words, he’s just fucking lazy. The biggest clue is your remark that, “it’s the build up that gets him.” All I hear is that he’s not willing to put in the five minutes of fooling around it naturally takes a guy to work up a decent hard-on. That requires some effort on his part, and he can’t be bothered.
This is something I’ve noticed happening to men lately. Like most dudes, your boyfriend grew up jerking off to a grotesque avalanche of readily available internet porn. He’s spoiled by visual stimulation where the women are always hot and horny and the erections are always immediate and permanent. His arousal phase is fried, and so he just gives up on the real thing the second it’s not easy.
I’m not blaming porn. Not exactly. I’m blaming your boyfriend. Back when your relationship still had that new pussy smell, his novelty boners were instantaneous. Not so much anymore, and after noodle stabbing you a few too many times, he’d rather just be done fucking you than put any work into it.
What’s worse is that he’s using his ex-girlfriend as an excuse. That’s some low down bullshit right there. Whatever intimacy issues he may have had with his ex, they aren’t the reason he has problems initiating sex with you. Quite frankly, you should consider it a red flag that he would throw an ex-girlfriend under the bus like that. (Wanna guess who he’ll complain about to his next girlfriend?)
His ex isn’t the problem. He is. I don’t care if he says he wants to be more intimate. That’s an easy thing to want. I’m sure he also wants a million dollars. So fucking what? The real problem is that he’s sexually lazy, and he doesn’t want to put any work into getting aroused so he can fuck you like you need to get fucked.
Sorry, babe. I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isn’t. You can get angry, you can get kinky, or you can go get dick somewhere else, but at the end of the day, if he’s done fucking you, then he’s done fucking you.