Advice

On plus-ones.

Dear Coquette,

What are your thoughts on getting an invite to a wedding without a plus-one when you’re single, but everyone else who is in a relationship gets to bring their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?

If a conservative estimate of 25 invitations per wedding go out to singles, who are all given the option of adding a plus-one at an average cost of $200 per head, that’s $5,000 that the bride and groom have to pad into the budget so a bunch of wild cards can show up at their wedding.

Should they have to shell out an extra five grand so their single friends can date at their reception? Hell no. Especially when you consider that bringing a date to a wedding is like bringing sand to the beach.

Just suck it up and do what all the other singles do. Hang with your friends, or find a hottie on the other side of the aisle and get some.

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Advice

On my new column.

Why is there no comments section for your Unsolicited Advice column? That would make it even better.

My Unsolicited Advice column is part of The Daily’s new Weekend Magazine. So far, I’ve done Kim and Kanye and Aaron Sorkin, and if you’re reading them on the web, that’s only because they’re being shared from The Daily.

If you’ve got an iPad, I highly recommend you download The Daily app and sign up. It’s good shit delivered hot and fresh every day, and of course, you can leave all kinds of comments.

Thanks so much for reading!

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Best-Of Advice

On discussions with idiots

Dear Coquette,

My friend Joe says he wants women to discuss how they “don’t have to make an effort” regarding “sex, dating, sports, lifting things, buying drinks.” What should I say to him?


If at all possible, ignore him. If you can’t do that, challenge him. Whatever you do, don’t discuss anything with him. All Joe really wants is the debate. He wants you to counter his opinion by saying that women do have to make an effort. He wants you to validate his ignorance by establishing that this is an argument that naturally has two sides worth defending. It doesn’t. Joe is simply wrong.

If you choose to challenge him, the trick is to come at him with a barrage of Socratic questioning. Force Joe to justify his own opinions with something more than anecdotal evidence. He won’t be able to do it, because idiots who are wrong can’t make a rational argument based on facts.

Practice saying the phrases, “What’s your point?” “Where are you getting your information?” and “Why do you believe that?”

Remember, don’t let it become a debate. He’ll want to know your opinion so he’ll have something to attack, but you should never feel like you have to defend a position. You are not responsible for proving the opposite of his opinion. The burden of proof is on Joe.

You don’t have to prove that you’re right. Joe is the one who has to prove that he’s not wrong, and if he tries shifting the argument to you, simply say, “It doesn’t matter what I think. You’re the one who has to justify your beliefs.”

Inevitably, he will try and rile you up by pushing your buttons, because once you’ve backed him into a corner of his own ignorance, the only thing he’ll have left to do is get you flustered with comments that are rude, mean, or personal.

Stay cool, and don’t get emotional. When it starts to break down, just say, “It sounds like you still have a lot to think about,” and gracefully exit the conversation.

Don’t expect to change Joe’s mind, and don’t expect to “win.” There’s not supposed to be a winner, just one loser talking himself into a circle.

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Advice

On assholes, endings, and identity.

Dear Coquette,

I consider my really good friend one of the smartest people I’ve met. He is an aspiring poet and right now is teaching for a few years before getting his MFA. He told me recently that he intentionally tries to avoid learning (or at least any formal or in-depth learning) about both economics and philosophy, because he thinks ignorance in those fields will lead him to live a happier life. I think he might be right, but I can’t help think he is missing out on a lot of knowledge and truth about the world, even if it might make him unhappier. I guess he is free to do what he wants — do you have any thoughts about his choice?

An aspiring poet? What a gigantic asshole.

Listen, there’s nothing wrong with not being smart. We’re all born into this world with a certain amount of brains, and it’s perfectly fine not having the intellectual capacity to study economics or philosophy.

There’s also nothing wrong with having no interest in those fields, but that’s not what’s happening here. This guy is deliberately being lazy, and it’s disgusting for someone to intentionally avoid learning truths about the world because he thinks ignorance is bliss — especially someone with the brass balls to call himself a poet.

It’s bad enough when willful ignorance is the byproduct of some dogmatic belief system, but it’s absolutely repulsive when it’s a voluntary act by an intelligent person who just can’t be bothered.

Sure, he’s free to do what he wants, but this guy is an intellectual sloth not worthy of your respect.


Do you really believe in endings? I’m starting to think that there’s no such thing. What we consider an ending is actually just a transition into something different.

Of course I believe in endings. Life ends, my friend. One day yours will too, and as far as you’re concerned, it won’t matter much what happens to the rest of the universe after that, because there will be no “you” to experience it.

It’s fine if you want to incorporate conservation laws of mass and energy into your metaphysical belief system, and it’s fine if you want to imagine some sort of nebulous universal eternity, but you’re fooling yourself if you think it applies to you or your consciousness.

When it’s all said and done, dead is dead, and the only thing you’ll transition into is worm food.


I’m 21, and I feel like every time I think I get closer to “knowing myself better,” I’m actually wrong, and I need to start all over again. Why is my own identity so difficult to be understood by my own self?

You’re never starting all over again. It only feels that way because you think knowing yourself and acknowledging an identity are the same thing.

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Advice

On a loose translation.

Dear Coquette,

My partner of three months recently broke up with me. His reason? He said he had feelings for his ex, and that we couldn’t be together anymore because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Well, I am pretty hurt regardless and I firmly believe the whole ex excuse was some lie to cover up the true reason.

I tried to continue in keeping myself in contact with him to figure out more details on why our relationship ended so abruptly, but I never received a response from him. He just closed the doors on me. Are you familiar with these type of break-up situations?

I just don’t understand. My parents accepted and adored him. We gave him everything. It was the perfect relationship, and I could tell he sincerely loved me.

Wow. I’m sorry to hear that your heart is broken, but that’s no excuse for this kind of behavior. You desperately need a fresh slap from reality, and I’m thinking the most efficient way to drill a clue through your thick skull is to share with you what your letter sounded like in my head.

The following is a direct translation of your own words from crazy talk into real talk. (Yes, I speak both fluently.) I hope this helps:

My spring fling, whom I dated for about as long as the first season of HBO’s “Girls,” recently broke up with me. His reason? He said he was done dating me, and that we couldn’t be together anymore because he was done dating me. Well, my feelings are hurt and I have a tendency to overanalyze things and then firmly believe whatever I want to believe.

I couldn’t take the hint, so I kept bugging him for more details on why he didn’t want to date me anymore, but I never could get him to take the bait. He knew well enough to ignore me. I’m not the only one this happens to, am I?

I’m clueless and in denial. My parents tell me whatever I want to hear. I feel like he still owes me. I have no idea what it means to be in a real relationship, and I obviously couldn’t tell how he really felt about me.

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Advice

On taking a joke.

I can take a joke on the nose. Really, I can. So why am I slightly slighted at Louis CK jumping to the defense of this Tosh asshole? (let’s be honest, Tosh is about as funny as Carrot Top) Yuck.

So, why am I a little peeved that the one comedian I have a shred of respect for is jumping to the defense of a comedian who blasted a female with a rape joke?

Louis CK was not coming to the defense of rapists or rape culture by defending Daniel Tosh last night, nor was he defending homophobes or hate speech by defending Tracy Morgan last year.

In both cases, Louis CK was coming to the defense of comedians and stand-up comedy as an art form, and he was defending offensive speech as a completely legitimate expression of that art form.

Louis CK is fucking amazing, but still, if he’s the only comedian you respect, then it’s a safe bet you don’t know shit about comedy. How about trusting his opinion? He’s the expert for a reason, and if Louis CK is backing the play of an asshole who said something offensive, then maybe you should step off his nuts and consider giving an expert the benefit of the doubt.

As for what you find funny or offensive, that’s all a matter of personal taste. It’s fine if you think Daniel Tosh is an asshole, and feel free to shit all over Carrot Top like it’s still 2006, but don’t act like you can take a joke and then start getting slightly slighted or a little peeved.

If you say you can take a joke, be prepared to fucking take it.

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Advice

On speaking from experience.

Have you ever tried meth? I noticed as my girlfriend was scrolling down your blog that you called meth “sucking the devil’s dick” and said a lot of “don’t even do it once” type stuff, and I was just wondering if you were speaking from more experience other than just following the trend of ragging on hard drugs that you don’t understand at all.

I get it, dude. Not only do you have a girlfriend, but the only reason you happened to be reading my stuff is because you were looking over her shoulder. That’s fine, big guy.

Here’s the thing, though. I can spot you coming a mile away, and I already know what’s going on in your garage. Your mom wants you to quit using meth, but she “rags” on hard drugs that she doesn’t understand, so you invalidate her opinion. Your girlfriend also gives you shit about using meth, but you don’t consider her an equal, so you invalidate her opinion too.

That leaves me, but guess what? I don’t give a flying fuck if you come at me with your chest all puffed up. I’m not your mom, I’m sure as hell not your girlfriend, and I’ll bet you the lift kit on your truck that unlike the women in your life, you actually respect my opinion. That’s why you bothered to write.

I’ve got nothin’ to prove to you, dude. Sure, I could regale you with tales of my drug warrior days, but fuck you. You didn’t ask nicely.

Do whatever you want with your shitty life. I don’t care.

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Advice

On not an asshole.

I’ve helped my friends deal with some heavy shit in the past and never expected any praise or recognition in return; really and truly. After a few series of events where I have needed a friend to help me out they all came up with an excuse to avoid me every time I needed a hand.

I’ve been a genuinely good friend to them so am I an asshole for feeling pissed that no one came through, or is it time to surround myself with new people?

You are not an asshole. Friendship is a two way street. It’s time to surround yourself with new people.

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Advice

On an asshole.

I am a kind, considerate, and generous person who is never appreciated for what I do for others. Here is a recent example: I shelled out more than 50 bucks in cab fare, bus fare, and groceries for a friend’s visit only to have him decide at the last minute to stay with our mutual friend, who happens to be his ex, instead of me, wasting the time and money I put into picking him up from the airport and feeding him. I don’t expect anything in return for my thoughtfulness and I don’t want to stop being considerate and generous, but I am really tired of being unappreciated and taken advantage of. How do I make my family and friends recognize this without becoming selfish? Moreover, am I an asshole for demanding that my friends and family recognize this? Do I just need to get over myself and stop expecting others to behave in a certain way, or is my annoyance in the previously mentioned example justified? Is it even worth mentioning to the friends in the previous example?

Fuck you.

No, really. Fuck you. You are not a kind, considerate, and generous person who is never appreciated. What you are is a selfish twit who isn’t any good at being emotionally manipulative.

If you feel like someone owes you appreciation for a kindness, then it wasn’t a kindness. It was merely a service rendered in expectation of that appreciation.

That’s not generosity. That’s quid pro quo, and not recognizing the difference is what makes you an asshole.

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Advice

On my search box

Your search function isn’t working, I know you have better things to do than get it fixed, but rather than asking you a question you’ve already answered, I might as well just search for it and hope you’d give me the same advice.

Fixed it!

Sorry about that. The tumblr search function never really worked, but I installed Swiftype, and now I have fancy fuck drop-down menus and overlayed search results. It’s great!

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