Advice

On makeovers, music, and magazines

Dear Coquette,

This guy likes me, and I really enjoy spending time with him, but he still dresses like a high school stoner. How do I casually suggest that if we are going to be in a relationship that he needs to start dressing like an adult?

A grown-ass man dresses like a high school stoner because he doesn’t know any better. He simply doesn’t think about it.*

All you have to do is show him what looks good. I promise, when clothes feel right and fit him well, he’ll get it. Plus, if he really likes you, you don’t have to waste your time casually suggesting a change. You can just hit him hard and fast with your standards in one solid weekend of shopping.

Take him to the mall. Show him what you’d prefer he wear. Don’t hold back. When he comes out of the dressing room looking good, flatter the hell out of him. Make sure he winds up with a couple of outfits that you both like.

Don’t expect a complete shift in his appearance overnight, but definitely keep nudging him in the right direction.

Does listening to Odd Future make me a bad feminist? Is it possible to listen to and/or purchase music with misogynistic lyrics without implicitly endorsing the parts of it one finds offensive?

Listening to Odd Future doesn’t mean you’re a bad feminist. It just means you have awful taste in music. That’s okay, though. Listen to what you like, and don’t waste your time being offended by lyrics, especially ones by teenage douchebags.

Being offended gives acts like Odd Future more power than they deserve. Then again, so does purchasing their music, so if possible, don’t pay for it.

The important thing is to keep recognizing misogyny when you see it. If you can spot it, then you can reject it, even if it’s embedded in media you purposefully consume. If enough people learn to recognize and reject misogyny, over time, the culture shifts and progress is made.

I’m about to break up with my boyfriend of about a year and a half. It has been long distance for the last nine months and my feelings have fizzled. He really wants to stay together but it’s not working for me. My question is: What do I do with the New Yorker subscription he gave me for Christmas? Enjoy the last 10 months? Forward it to his address?

Keep the subscription. He doesn’t need a weekly reminder of his ex-girlfriend, and I have a feeling you really get those cartoons.

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Advice

On invisible children, inc.

I have no idea whatsoever how to read the audited financial statement of Invisible Children. I’m trying to educate myself more on them and Kony 2012 but I just don’t understand what’s bad and good about the statement.

Care to point anything out?

In fiscal year 2011, Invisible Children, Inc. took in a total of 13.7 million dollars in support and revenue, and spent 2.8 million dollars on direct services.

That’s really all you need to know.

In charity-speak, “direct services” is exactly what you think it is. It’s the money directly spent on actual charitable services. Everything else is administration, fundraising, and marketing. (In this case, documentary filmmaking.)

In 2011, Invisible Children doled out 2.8 million dollars in furtherance of “building an early warning radio network,” “educating local communities,” and “deploying search and rescue teams.” That’s noble work. So is raising awareness about Joseph Kony.

However, Invisible Children also spent 1.7 million dollars paying it’s employees, 1.2 million on film and production expenses, and another million on travel and transportation. It owns 1.2 million dollars of hard assets (computers and film equipment), it spent almost four hundred thousand dollars leasing office space, and it has 6 million dollars in cash just lying around.

None of this is good or bad. This isn’t about a value judgment. Nothing in the report is shady or duplicitous, and no one is lying to you about any of it.

This is all just useful information. I’m no expert, and you should do your own homework, but to me, the statement of functional expenses for 2011 reads like an operating statement of a production company, not a charity.

That’s the point, though. Like I said before, this is all just a big media-driven anti-Kony marketing campaign. It says so right on the box. That’s fine, and I hope it works.

My ultimate point is that before you buy in to something, you should know what you’re buying. That’s all.

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Advice

On donating to kony 2012.

Reading your thoughts on Kony 2012 is interesting, so do you think it would be a good idea to donate?

No, I don’t. I took the time to read the organization’s audited financial statement, and I didn’t like what I saw. These guys aren’t hardened in-the-shit organizers. They’re essentially a well-funded production company that makes slick documentaries. Noble intentions aside, they aren’t doing charity so much as they’re playing charity.

Then of course, there’s the project founder, Jason Russell. Read this interview where he says, “If Oprah, Steven Spielberg and Bono had a baby, I would be that baby.”

Yeah, those really are his own words. His middle name is Radical. His kid’s middle name is Danger. Yikes. The guy just doesn’t sit right with me. I’d say he was a narcissist with a savior complex, but it’s hard to tell through the fog of trust fund entitlement.

To be clear, I’m not saying that Russell is a bad guy, or that Invisible Children is corrupt in any way. He’s righteous, and it’s definitely a worthy cause. Still, you should know that if you donate your money to Kony 2012, you’re donating to little more than a marketing campaign.

That’s fine. Kony really is one of the most evil fucks on the planet, and he deserves all the attention he gets. If it makes you feel good, spend thirty bucks and wear a bracelet. Whatever.

On the other hand, If you want to donate to charities that actually get shit done, then send your money to Africare or Doctors Without Borders.

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Advice

On missing something

Dear Coquette,

Is it unhealthy that most of the sex I’ve had has been whilst under the influence? I never thought of it that way until my two closest friends brought it up to me the other day and now I feel like I’m meant to feel wrong for not seeing it as unhealthy. The thing is, I’m not a relationship kind of person, and I don’t have a particularly high sex-drive, so I don’t really go looking for it, so it tends to happen more if I’m out having a few drinks and a laugh. One friend claimed it’s the most depressing thing he’s ever heard, and the other said maybe I should stop. It’s not like I’m going out, getting trashed and bringing people home constantly, or being stupid or hurtful about it in anyway. In fact for the best part of the last two years until recently I’ve slept with one guy and often that was sober … so, basically, I don’t get their issue. Am I missing something?


Do yourself a favor and stop using the word “whilst” in written correspondence. It makes you sound like a gigantic asshole.

Then again, your friends sound like gigantic assholes too, so maybe you’re just a product of your environment. Either way, don’t ever allow yourself to be slut-shamed, especially by friends.

Remember, it’s not about how often you’re having sex under the influence. It’s about why you’re having sex under the influence. In your case, it sounds like you’ve built up an identity around not being “a relationship kind of person,” whatever that means.

I’m not saying it’s unhealthy, but it’s obviously a rationalization for your pattern of behavior. Odds are, you’re just a young girl with a light dusting of garden-variety attachment issues. If anything, consider focusing some energy on forming intimate connections with people in your life.

For instance, you said until recently, you’d spent the better part of the last two years in a monogamous relationship. (Actually, you said the “best” part of the last two years, which has some significance in its double meaning, but I digress.) You went out of your way not to call this guy your boyfriend. That’s fine, but it’s also significant. What’s going on there?

I don’t know any of the details, but I get the sense that you’re going through a kind of post-breakup phase. Naturally, you’d play it off as anything other than a traditional breakup, but that doesn’t change the fact that the underlying emotions are still the same, and that the resulting patterns of behavior are fairly predictable.

Like it or not, you’re rebounding right now. You asked me flat out if you were missing something (a question that’s also loaded with double meaning.) The answer, of course, is yes. You are missing something.

Maybe you’re missing the ability to connect with just one guy. Maybe you’re missing that one guy in particular. Maybe you’re just missing the point. I don’t know, but you’re definitely missing something.

That’s not to say there’s anything unhealthy or destructive about your current pattern of behavior. I’m not judging you for having drunken sex, and you shouldn’t let others judge you either. Still, it’s worth a bit of serious self-examination to discover the root causes of why you’re acting this way.

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Advice

On joseph kony’s fame.

What’s your take on the Make Joseph Kony Famous movement?

It’s an interesting experiment in charity-based international justice. It’s also well timed. The movement has the potential for success, but only during the current administration, and only in this election year.

It comes down to whether President Obama finds it politically expedient to use the U.S. military to directly intervene and either kill or capture Kony.

That’s all that matters. Everything else is marketing and public relations in furtherance of fundraising.

If you want my prediction, Oprah will end up being the one who really takes this to Obama’s doorstep in a public way. The question is, can a movement like this put enough pressure on the President in the thick of campaign season so that he chooses to dust off SEAL Team Six for a sequel? Maybe. Probably not.

One thing’s for sure, if we hear President Obama mention Joseph Kony’s name in the same breath as Osama Bin Laden, that evil fucker’s days are numbered.

We’ll see.

As always, these things are more nuanced than the hipster documentarian from USC film school would lead us to believe.

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Advice

On your doctorate in philosophy.

I have a doctorate in philosophy, and I still think theism is a logical stance. You’re a cunty little ignoramus who is so certain about something which I’m willing to bet you know very little about.

I’d rather be a cunty little ignoramus than the kind of monumental douche-nugget who refers to their PhD as a “doctorate in philosophy.”

We get it. You wrote a dissertation. Whoop-de-fuckin’-doo. Everyone still thinks you’re an asshole when you tell them to call you Doctor.

As for your logical stance on theism, thanks for writing in with your opinion. The line for people who want a cookie starts outside by the dumpster full of all the fucks I don’t give.

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Advice

On the recent change.

Why Coquette? What happened to Coke Talk?

Nothing happened to Coke Talk. Not really. It’s still me, and as much as I’ve enjoyed everyone’s wild speculation, the recent name change had nothing to do with the Coca-Cola Corporation or the Illuminati. Sorry to disappoint.

The truth of it is, I just decided it was time. It’s a different decade now. I’ve been writing professionally as The Coquette for over a year, and quite frankly, I’m not a kid anymore.

Can’t put it in much simpler terms than that.

To those of you who sent kinds words, I really appreciate it. To those of you who wrote in with variations of “I fear change,” I promise, you’ll get over it.

Either way, thanks so much for reading.

Love you, fuckers!

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Best-Of Advice

On church and state

Why does the government think it is okay to force the church to go against their core belief (right wrong or indifferent)?  Their core value of preserving life hasn’t changed and anyone who wants it can get FREE birth control at their local health department. The government wants the separation of church and and state and you can’t have it both ways. Catholic hospitals are self insured and provide more charity care than all other hospitals combined. We didn’t allow the church to stop us from legalizing abortion. How can the government force them to go against their core values? Do you really think this is ok?

1. The catholic church’s core value isn’t preserving life. It’s preserving power.

2. Your statement that free birth control is available to anyone who wants it from the local health department isn’t even close to being true. That’s like saying free housing is available to anyone who wants to live in the projects, or free food is available to anyone to wants to sign up for food stamps. Only the poorest of the poor actually qualify for government safety net programs.

3. You clearly don’t understand the concept of separation of church and state. Freedom of religion also includes freedom from religion. The church doesn’t get a free pass to do whatever it wants to its employees in the name of its own belief system. Religious organizations still have to obey the law.

4. I don’t know where you’re getting your statistic on catholic hospital charity care, but even if what you’re saying is true, so what? You’re just making an irrelevant appeal to authority.

5. On American soil, the authority of the catholic church to enforce its core values does not supercede the authority of the U.S. government to enforce its laws. If you can’t handle that, by all means, brush up on your Italian and move to Vatican City.

6. Yes, I really think it’s okay for health care mandates to require church-affiliated hospitals, charities, and schools to offer birth control to its employees.

7. All you bible thumpers might want to shut the fuck up about stuff like this before the rest of us all decide it’s finally time to revoke your church’s tax-exempt status.

8. None of this is an attack on your religious freedom. Feel free to continue being an ignorant twat who believes in angels, demons, and a jealous god.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice.

Dear Coquette,

My best friend is dating my crush. How do I deal with it?
Un-crush, or disaster will follow.


How can you tell the difference between bad timing and a jerk?
If it’s obvious to you that it’s bad timing, then that’s probably what it is. If he’s trying to convince you that it’s bad timing, then he’s probably a jerk.


What’s your opinion on Rihanna collaborating with Chris Brown?
Just gonna stand there and watch her burn. That’s all right, because she likes the way it hurts.


I cried at work yesterday. Now I feel like a pansy. Help?
No one cares. Get over yourself.


What if everybody could have sex with anyone at any given time? What do you think would happen?
You still wouldn’t get laid.


Coquette, have you reached Samādhi?
No, but I love Indian food.


What do you think about Obamacare?
I think it’s a reductive ad hominem label for complex health care legislation. It’s just branding that encourages idiots to reflexively polarize on what should otherwise be a complicated sociopolitical debate.


What’s the difference between being lovers and being “friends with benefits?”
One is a tragedy that makes you laugh. The other is a comedy that makes you cry.


Why do the Catholic bishops and Rick Santorum hate (or fear) sex so much?
They don’t hate or fear sex. They merely want to control sex, and what they hate and fear is anything that threatens that control, because without it, the patriarchy crumbles.


If a member of the opposite sex with whom you’re kind of friends asks you to go with him to a party, how can you know whether it’s a date or just two people attending a thing together because they’re kind of friends?
You do realize that you’re the one who gets to decide whether it’s a date, right? Yep, it’s completely up to you. (Relax, you can change your mind at any point throughout the evening.)


Should I use all my savings on heading to Antibes to try get a job on a super yacht, or should I stay in Melbourne, develop my professional career and explore new love with someone even my cynical, feminist mother thinks is worth putting my travel plans on hold for? WWCQD?
It depends. If you’re 20 years old with $2,000 in savings, go to Antibes. If you’re 30 years old with $20,000 in savings, stay in Melbourne. If you’re 25 years old with $10,000 in savings, flip a coin.


I keep dating men who are emotionally unavailable. Why do I keep doing this? What can I do to stop this cycle?
This is not a cycle. This is just a pattern of behavior. Your behavior. You are the common thread in all your relationships. I don’t know why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men, but if you really wanted to stop doing it, you would stop. Yes, it’s that simple.

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