what was your first love like?

Unrequited and incredibly painful.

We were partners in crime. Wild young kids with a good thing going.

It was an intimate friendship — platonic, open, and physical. Then about a year into the relationship one day I woke up and I was in love.

I remember being so angry at myself. I didn’t want to be in love. I knew it would ruin everything, and it did.

After spinning from all the fun, suddenly all we could do was wobble from the imbalance. We tried to make it work as a couple, but we both knew damn well he wasn’t capable of giving it back.

We lasted for about six more months until I begrudgingly admitted to myself that I’d have to fall out of love.

No regrets, though.

I’m meticulously planning my death and I am not ashamed of it. I am asking about it because I really have come to admire and respect your opinion but please again, rest assured it is by no means going to adversely affect me because there is no right or wrong answer with this and I am already sure of my decision to do it. So the question really is:

What do you think of someone doing this?

I told my mother (58) I love her so much endlessly however after she dies (which is in reasonably-let us say, 20-30 years or so) I will have my death planned out by then if I have not died by chance/accident already or another variable I didn’t consider. She was quiet at first but told me she’s proud. Everyone else seems to think I’m being completely absurd and hilarious. I have to be joking and so on. Actually, what’s funny to me is how nobody seems to take this too seriously at all. That’s why I thought I might write to you.

You see – my plan is to die for a cause, altruism if you will- but I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process so I am waiting for the only person that I know that would be deeply profoundly disturbed (mother) if my death would precede her own. As a fellow existential nihilist, I don’t really care about asking questions, pondering, searching for meaning. I have a shit ton of meaning everyday making friends happy, empathetically caring for others, having compassion and having fun. I just want to knowingly die that I am leaving the world behind a little bit of a better place somehow. Any thoughts on how to do that with a death? I don’t want to hurt anyone with bombings or any other melodrama. I just want to liberate people somehow. I don’t have a martyr complex or anything fatalistic like that. I am just comfortable knowing that I can go anytime and I would like to know that, if I had a choice, I would have a plan for it. If it doesn’t happen that way then I am fine with that too. But I do care about living, about the people who love and care about me and what I am going to do until I execute this said-plan. Which is just conjecture at this point until I go through with it! I think many people struggle with the thoughts of suicide but now since I have almost died three times (if you read about my trip to India and etc. note prior, you may have missed it it’s ok). I have deduced that it is not healthy to think of death as taboo under the guise of good manners.

So here is where I am with this.

Thanks for always taking the time to read these tedious things. You really have a startlingly bold and original voice I have come to admire and respect. I hope you don’t take this as flattery for the sake of because I am being sincere. Your musings on the satire of human life your commentary and unflinchingly abrasive brilliant prose are all even more amazing because of your choice to remain anonymous. What a feminist adventure! I think you are one of life’s treasure finds. You are a talent that is undoubtedly enriching peoples lives. Love that shit, it’s brave noble and you’re really fun and pornographic too. I’m writing a review that only you will be reading. Ha. Toodles

xo

Announcing that you’re not ashamed to be meticulously planning your death is a tiny bit of false humility on your part. Of course you’re not ashamed. In fact, you’re quite proud.

Admit that your proud. Own that shit and let your mother off the hook. You don’t need her vicarious pride, and she doesn’t deserve to contemplate her own death concurrently with yours.

Each of us must come to terms with our mortality in our own way, and it’s not fair for you to hoist your death onto hers. It’s incredibly selfish of you.

It’s not thoughtful enough for you to wait until your mother dies before offing yourself. She should also die believing that you will continue leading a long and happy life. At the very least, your meticulous plans should include whatever ruse is necessary to convince her of that. You may not respect the gift of life, but at least respect your mother.

That being said, I’m not going to try and talk you out of suicide. It’s your death, you only get one, and it’s certainly yours to do with as you like. Go ahead, be creative.

As long as you stay true to your word not to hurt anyone in the process, feel free to pull off something spectacular.

You’re not going to liberate anyone, though. It doesn’t work like that. Noble suicides are exceedingly rare. They are the product of history in the making, not individual planning. I’m sorry to say that you will not get swept up in the revolution.

If the goal then is to die for a cause, you’ll come up short there as well. The Catch-22 to finding a cause worthy of your death is that any cause that directly benefits from your planned suicide is inherently unworthy, and any cause that suggests otherwise is also inherently evil.

Modern science affords us only one exception to these rules — make sure you’re a fucking organ donor.

Organ donation is the only legitimate and tangible way your early demise might serve an altruistic purpose. Whatever else you do, you’d be an complete asshole not to ensure that each and every one of your donatable organs is kept in tip-top shape, both pre and post mortem.

Again, you may not respect the gift of life, but at least respect the people in dire need of your heart, lungs, kidneys, and liver.

Of course, this altruism limits you to drowning in a bathtub filled with ice water. Not particularly creative, and certainly not spectacular.

Listen, you’re obviously intelligent. I get that you take this stuff seriously, but that’s not the same as being emotionally honest. If you really are an existential nihilist, then you should know that trying to cram a bit of significance into your suicide is just as delusional as expecting life after death.

Plus, you seem to be confusing lack of purpose for a lack of value. Life may be meaningless, but it’s still priceless.

Don’t worry. You’ll die someday, and you might even get to plan it. In the meantime, how ‘bout you go do something fascinating and altruistic with your life instead?

Toodles.

what role do prostitutes play in the coketalk guide to happy sexing?

Whatever role you pay them for. Kind of the point, isn’t it?

Some of my best friends are high priced escorts, so I’m familiar with more than just the concept of prostitution. For a hard working and talented few, it can be a wild and lucrative trade, but like most jobs, the brutal reality usually involves shitty hours and undignified labor.

As with everything, street-level hustling should be discouraged. I don’t care if it’s drugs, pussy, or sacks full or oranges — you’ve got no business selling it on the corner.

Also, I don’t keep men in my life who pay for sex. Sorry guys. Life is full of double standards. I’ve got no problem with my girls selling it, but you’ve lost my respect if you’re buying.

Other than that, be safe and leave the money on the nightstand.

What’s the absolute shittiest way to do makeup?

With a shotgun.

I’m hitting hermit stage with a new boyfriend. Friends have stopped calling me mid week since they know i’ll be tucked in bed all day and night with this new boy. While i’m totally into the little existence the both of us have going on, should i ditch the seinfeld reruns and copious oral sex for listening to my friends bitch and moan? It seems anytime i’m around them now, they are so negative which is just a bad comedown from cloud nine. Its become normal for me to only see some of them in passing every saturday night out clubbing. I know its dangerous to put all your eggs in one basket but no other basket had made me cum 12 times in one night before. I just need someone to tell me how to organise my whole priorities properly.

What’s the source of their negativity? Are they bitching and moaning as per usual, or are they going through some legitimate crisis and they need you?

Obviously, you should never abandon friends in a crisis. That said, the odds are good that they’ve always been soul-draining cunts, and it’s because you’re momentarily blissed-out from all the orgasms that you’ve finally noticed.

If that’s the case, go with the oral sex and reruns. Never look back.

Now, I’m not saying choose a new boy over old friends. In fact, this has very little to do with the guy. I’m suggesting that you cut people out of your life if they are emotionally draining.

Life’s too short not to surround yourself with positive, happy people.

Talk me out of purposefully getting knocked-up by my boyfriend.

You are not ready for the privilege of motherhood.

It’s as simple as that.

I’m very sorry that you’re not happy with your life, but it’s because you’ve surrounded yourself with the wrong people.

Your boyfriend, for instance — he’s the wrong guy for you. If you don’t respect him enough to be open and honest with your intentions, then you don’t belong together. Trust me on this. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in love — and you’re not, by the way — the relationship is unhealthy and you should end it.

Also, your so-called friends. Did anyone close to you support or suggest this little scheme? If so, immediately cut them out of your life. They are the worst kind of poison. Again, trust me on this.

If you’re not strong enough to start ending negative relationships, at least consider some self-reflection. What would make you disrespect yourself like this? More importantly, how could you disrespect that poor child whose very conception would be an act of fraud?

What’s inside of you that’s capable of this? Identify it and carve it out of yourself like the psychic cancer that it is, because I promise you — that slow burning emptiness you feel in the pit of your soul won’t go away when you have a baby.

You’re banking on the promise of your child’s unconditional love to heal you, but it won’t. That’s not the kind of love you need. You need the kind of love from others that you only get when you first love yourself.

I hope you can tell how serious I am here. No stupid jokes, no rants, no name calling. I’ve spoken to you like an adult in the hopes that you’ll afford yourself that same level of respect.

Be a good person. Surround yourself with good people. Love and respect yourself. Maybe then you’ll be ready for the privilege of motherhood.

Until then — please, please don’t get knocked-up.

i made out with all my friends…and some other people at a party when i was drunk. it’s awkward. any advice?

Your best bet is to get all new friends who don’t get awkward when you make out with them.

Either that or constantly make out with everybody — let it be your thing. Soon all your friend’s won’t even notice anymore. Sure, they’ll all think you’re a whore, but at least it won’t be awkward.

Am I serious? Am I joking? Am I fucked up right now?

I dunno, can you tell?

One day I accidently stumbled on your tumblr (ha thats funny), and found your shit hilarious, and so fucking true. I enjoy reading the advice you give other people, so I decided to what the heck let me give it a try. Let me throw my quarter-life crisis on this complete stranger. Alright, so I’m 20, a girl, and currently single. I was talking to this girl before, for like 3 months. Shit ended, cuz she didn’t see herself “romantically involved” with me, the end. But of course I made it my utmost priority to get drunk and make an ass out of myself by drunk dialing and telling her I really liked her but i was afraid she might hurt me like my ex. I repented and decided just to be done with that shit. A month passes, and I find out she has a girlfriend. We went to this camp training for a weekend for this summer job we work together in, and she tells me, she wants things not to be weird, and shit. So of course I get drunk the 4th of july, weeks before the camp, and make another fucking asshole of myself. This time I repent hard, cuz she threw that shit about us being “co-workers” and that we have to have respect and bounderies (co-workers my fucking ass, i don’t go around sucking my co-workers tits), anywhoo. I break off, any and all communications with her, and swear on everything I love I will not drunk text again. So far, so good. Camp came. I’m better than ever and our friendship is good once again. We have a little staff party afterwards, I get shitaced, and were making out in the couch, and I left her hickeys. (important note: the girl is straight edge, cuz she used to fuck with hard shit before and it led to no good, so shes fucking sober). alright so whatever, the weeks that come I’m messing with her whenever i can’t walk straight, and my sober times, were text messaging “cute” shit! OK, so finally, last week we all go out for one of our friends birthday at a gay club. I ended up making out with her on the dance floor and doing shit in the bathroom (again im 10 drinks deep in this and shes sober and conscious to the say the least of the situation). We say we miss each other, she tells me she wants to see me when im sober, and it seems to be growing into like a another part 2. oh yeah i forgot to mention, that same exact day, she had broken up with her gf. so that night i told her i didnt want to be a rebound, and that im trying REALLY hard to stay celibate for the person i really like. and shes like yeah we dont have to fuck, we can just make out and cuddle. So were cute and taking pictures, and whatever. BUT we leave and she doesn’t even say bye. she just walks away. I texted her that same night, and told her I meant everything i said especially the rebound shit. never got a reply. the next day my phone was turned off, and it was gonna be for 4 days, so i wrote her a facebook message letting her know my phone was off and that if she replied i didnt get it, and to facebook me instead. (i know what youre thinking, at this point you think im fucking pathetic, I agree)…the girl replies: No i didnt write anything back, hope things work out with your mom………exact words. nothing else. in my head i was like fuck you, go to fucking hell, you fucking play too many fucking games, so i deleted my facebook, i erased her number, and i blocked her off my aim. question: why on earth would anyone do that?

Ok CONFESSION: so that same club night i had gone out with another friend/staff to a movie before hand. someone i used to fuck around with before. I thought it was on the DL, but apparently there is a fucking web (like the L word) and almost everyone knows. i was also kinda flirting with him that night, and she might or might not of seen me straddling him on a chair. :/

so im confused? what should i do?

ps: you are so awesome for reading all this post -pubescent bullshit, and if you can come up with anything as a response, it would be so fucking awesome. thanx.

Yours Truly,
Angry Bisexual

Angry bisexual? I think I’ll call you Abby for short.

Abby, sweetheart. You’re not having a quarter-life crisis. You’re not even having a pre-life crisis. Honestly, you’re writing to me about summer camp. I know, I know — it’s training for your job, but you didn’t call it a training weekend. You called it camp.

You use phrases like “straight edge.” You giggle about hickeys. The worst thing you can think to do to a person is delete them from your facebook. I swear, I can actually hear the helium in your voice.

You are confused because you are a selfish child, and if I told you the brutal truth about your situation it would seem cruel. It would be the equivalent of me sitting down an excited five year old on Christmas morning and calmly explaining that there is no Santa Claus.

You don’t need my advice any more than a kindergartner needs a lecture in particle physics. You need to go sit in the corner, young lady. You are on a “time out.”

Stop getting shit-faced, Abby. No one likes the sloppy drunk girl, and you clearly can’t handle your liquor.

Now I’m not suggesting you go all “straight edge.” Unless you’re legitimately in recovery, that kind of behavior is reserved for the worst kind of sanctimonious drama queens. Just have some fucking self-respect and learn to drink in moderation.

As for your confusion, it’s because you’re dizzy. I promise that feeling will go away when the earth stops revolving around you.

Best of luck with that.

Cut or uncut?

What are we talking about here? My cocaine? My men? My perineum during childbirth? (That’s right, bitches. I just made an episiotomy joke.)

When it comes to my blow or my taint, I prefer uncut. As for my men, I like them cut. I’m not gonna run out of the room screaming if he’s not circumcised, but if he wants a blowjob he’d better pre-treat that shit with a wet-nap.