Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On pointing to the gym.

I want my boyfriend to lose weight. He’s 230 pounds, 5 foot 10 inches, and heavier than his father. He isn’t muscular, so his weight isn’t muscle. I would never tell him that, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings (in fact, I tell him he looks fine to me). He says probably twice a week or more that he needs to lose weight and/or go to the gym and work out, but that just never happens. I’d go to the gym and work out with him and try to inspire him that way, but I have a chronic pain condition so that rules that idea out. So how can I get him to lose that belly and those manboobs without seeming like a total superficial bitch?

You don’t have to be bitchy, but stop telling him he looks fine. Buy him a gym membership. Get him a few sessions with a trainer. Use your own money and guilt him into going.

This doesn’t have to be about anything superficial. This is about health and having a little respect for one’s physical appearance.

Trust me, he wants you to push him a little. That’s what those comments are about. He’s looking to you. Your opinion matters, and until he stops getting your tacit approval of his current condition, he’s not going to change.

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Advice

On sneaking to the doctor.

How do I tell my mom that I want to start going to the Gynecologist? She’s really strict and I know she’d fucking kill me if she knew I was “sexually active”. I’m sixteen, and I could get friend to take me but I’m so nervous about the whole, payment, insurance thing. I once again reiterate, my mom is crazy. She’d slit my throat for even asking. What do I do? I want to keep my parents out of my social/private life as much as possible, but I don’t know how.

Go to Planned Parenthood. Be frank and up-front about your home situation. Tell them what’s going on, and see what they can do for you. They tend to be extra sensitive to situations like yours, and their ability to offer services at reduced cost varies from community to community, so who knows? You might get lucky and be able to afford to see a doctor.

Whatever you do, don’t use your family insurance card. Don’t give them your home address or home phone number. Cell phone only. If they need an address, consider using your school’s address or maybe a trusted friend, as long as it won’t get back to your folks.

You’re in a tough spot for the next six hundred days, babe. Sorry. It sucks that your mom is so willfully ignorant. I’m guessing she’s super religious?

Yeah. Fuck her religion.

Good luck, sweetie.

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Advice

On mother-in-law drama.

How do I deal with a meddling, manipulative controlling bitch of a mother-in-law who is trying to ruin our marriage and our lives?  We married late in life and this woman has made no bones about the fact that I’m here to work my ass off to support her son so he can do whatever she wants him to do and screw me if I don’t like it.  My darling husband doesn’t have the balls to tell her where to get off.  What should I do? I don’t want her ruin the last few good years of our lives with her selfish shit.

You need to recognize that this is a bit of a gender role reversal. It’s usually the husband who gripes about the mother-in-law for this very reason, but clearly you’re the man of the house. Own that shit.

I’m also willing to bet that your husband married a woman who was a lot like his mother. You crazy bitches are battling it out because you have more in common than either of you want to admit.

You two are both strong willed and dominant. One wife. One mother. Each competing for the love and testicles of a “darling” man. Yikes.

Don’t kid yourself, this is a fight to the death. That’s your edge, actually. You can run out the clock on the sour old cunt, so let this be a cold war, a war of attrition.

Whenever possible, ignore her. As far as you’re concerned, she doesn’t exist.

Whenever she does get in your way by giving your husband an order that fucks with your day, give your husband a countermanding order. If she asks him to do errand X, you tell him to complete task Y instead.

Enforce your precedence. You take priority. Don’t let him forget it. You’ve all but admitted that he’s a big pussy, so just put in the effort to train him. Wife first. Mother second.

Never forget, he’s the only one who can tell her to fuck off. You can’t ever say shit, but if you program your husband with enough negative reinforcement, eventually you’ll get him to where he might just tell her to fuck off for you.

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Advice

On going your separate ways.

I’ve stopped taking relationship advice from my friends since they’ve all become cynics as of late. I’m in need of some sort of direction here.

My boyfriend and I have been together 20 months. After our graduation this spring, we will be taking two very different paths in our lives. I’m heading off to college and he is enlisting in the Air Force.

Although I have no doubt that I’ll be meeting all sorts of awesome guys in the near future, I can’t imagine that any of them will amount to anything close to what my boyfriend is for me. He’s one of the few people who can manage me when I go into super-cunt mode. He’s also one of the few people on this planet who can get me to swallow my pride when I’m being a stubborn bitch.

Our relationship, especially lately, has been great. I’m not a high maintenance girlfriend. I don’t make him buy me fancy dinners every week, take me on shopping sprees, call/text me every waking moment of the day, or any other bullshit like that. Everything runs smoothly as long as I’m provided with my necessities: love, sex, spending time together, and someone to listen to my ridiculous thoughts.

I feel young, stupid, and naive to hope that we could make a situation like this work out long-term. I mean, a long distance relationship is one thing, but a military relationship sure seems a whole lot messier. I’ve seen other military relationships go down in bitter flames.

So go ahead, tell me if I’m being stupid for hoping with every fiber in my being that this could somehow work out.

You’re not being stupid, just naive. That’s fine. You’re young and in love. That shit comes standard, and it’s easily forgivable.

The two of you have been together for a year and a half, by the way. The very fact that you measure it in months speaks volumes about your stage in life. This decision you’re about to make will mark your entrance into the world of adult relationships, but right now you’re both still kids.

It’s either going to be an easy decision with an ugly outcome, or it’s going to be an ugly decision with an easy outcome.

The easy decision is stay together, but that will inevitably lead to the ugly outcome of a long distance relationship between high-school sweethearts split between college and the military. That’s a fucking Pat Conroy novel waiting to happen. Today’s good intentions don’t mean shit, sweetie. At best, your relationship would die a slow death of starvation. At worst, incidents of infidelity would destroy your mutual respect. Either way, shit ends badly.

The ugly decision is to break up after graduation. It’ll suck. Your heart will break and you will miss him terribly that first semester at college. Still, if you say your goodbyes and split amicably, you’ll end the relationship on a high note. It’s hard to see now, but the easy outcome will be that you remember each other fondly in years to come. Trust me, life is long. It’s much better to have your first love as a friend ten years later.

Good luck with your decision. Either way, you’re gonna learn a lot about yourself.

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Advice

On acting like a child

I was in a relationship with a guy for four years. In that amount of time, he cheated on me more times than God could count, missed two of my birthdays for reasons other than being legitimately busy, chose drugs over me on several occasions, broke up with me to date another girl for a month before he decided she was too much of a cunt, yet still somehow treated me like a princess and turned me into a naive, lovesick pile of stupid teenager. I hate the hell out of him. I have a new, wonderful boyfriend who bends over backwards for me and believes perfection exists in no other form than me waking up in the morning, and I’m jealous that a coke-addicted hoodrat is going to marry the guy who often treated me like I was slightly less important than the last shit my dog took. Why?

Why? Because you are a child, and children cry when they lose their toys.

It didn’t matter that the toy was broken and dangerous. You liked that the toy had sharp edges and small parts that were a choking hazard. Playing with that toy made you feel like a big girl.

It was your favorite fucking toy, and even though you’ve got a new toy, a safe toy, one with round edges made of soft, non-toxic material, you’ll still be damned if some bitch from the wrong side of the sandbox is gonna play with one of your old toys.

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Advice

On experimenting with blow.

decided to try coke for the first time. done my research and everything, but my main sources have been erowid.com and teenage boys who say i will feel like ‘king shit’. im pretty much looking for any advice or vital things i should know beforehand.

Okay, listen up. If you want people to take your research seriously, never cite teenage boys as a source.

How old are you, by the way? This shit is for adults. Unless you know what it’s like to earn a few paychecks and pay your taxes, you haven’t earned the privilege of fucking around at this level.

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Advice

On the ex-girlfriend stash.

I’m dating a 28 year old who kept all of his ex girlfriends weird-ass sex toys in a dresser drawer after 4 months of being apart. Do you think he’s just lazy or waiting for her to come back so they can have some kinkysexytimes?

Relax, sweetie.

All single guys have a drawer in their closet filled with ex-girlfriend shit. It’s a universal truth, just like all guys have a bedside stash of condoms, and all guys have a secret collection of porn.

It was bound to be something — a leftover piece of jewelry, some lingerie, an old t-shirt, or in your case, a few sex toys. Big deal. Nothing to worry about.

Most guys go to the trouble of hiding the ex-girlfriend drawer. It’s actually a good sign that your man doesn’t give enough of a fuck to bother making it a secret.

Oh, and here’s a little parting gift for you: don’t refer to them as “weird-ass” sex toys when he’s around. It sounds negative and judgmental, and you probably don’t want him thinking that you’re any less wild in bed than his ex-girlfriend.

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Advice

On steps you can’t skip

I am a university student, and am in a relationship formed around mixed signals. This is mainly my fault. It started with a drunken one-night stand, and for a while we were both acting pretty tough and like there weren’t any feelings involved. I care for the guy and am crazy about him etc etc, but we both are keeping one eye on the door, just in case. I mean, “i love you” gets tossed around with wild abandon from both parties, and we spend every night together, and underneath the sex are just really good friends. But it’s only been 6 months and we are still pretty young so there’s no future talk or anything.

My problem is that I have told him several times that I believe he should be able to hook up with people. I feel like hookups and general high-spirited physicality are both pretty important experiences, and don’t have a lot of importance to any relationship. It’s been my policy in relationships for a while, and it has never given me a problem until now. You see, intellectually I still believe that people should have sexual freedom, but even though I don’t want to retract my position, all of the sudden I am reacting emotionally just to the idea that he might have sex with someone else. The thought makes me pretty sad and a little bit sick. How do I kill these feelings of proto-jealousy before they completely take over?

Proto-jealousy? Interesting concept, but there’s really nothing proto about it. You’re dealing with good old fashioned regular unleaded grocery store brand jealousy. That’s fine. Just acknowledge it, determine its source, and eliminate whatever insecurity is causing it.

In your case, the underlying insecurity is that you haven’t established a foundation of mutual trust upon which you can form an open relationship. You’re building a house on sand, babe.

If you guys are gonna keep it open, mixed signals are a no-no. You need an explicit mutual agreement that regardless of any intimate acts outside of your relationship, the two of you are still each others’ number one. That hasn’t been communicated yet. It’s all still a bunch of too-cool-for-school innuendo and flirtatious posturing because neither of you is willing to be the first to admit vulnerability.

It has to be clear. You’re his queen. He’s your king. Feel free to hold court, but no one else can be your romantic equals. Once he makes you feel comfortable on your throne, it won’t matter to you nearly as much who he decides to fuck on the side.

You’re on track for a fantastic open relationship. Just make it an actual relationship before rushing to make it an open one. Can’t skip that step, sweetie.

Good luck!

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Advice

On how to beat an xbox

How does a girl compete with the XBox 360?

My boyfriend ignores me all the time. We get home from work and he immediately heads for the couch and stays on it long after I go to bed.

We had a daughter about 2 years ago, so in the beginning my libido was none existent, but that’s changed. I’m back in my size 2 jeans, you can barley see any stretch marks and I’m not ugly.

I try to initiate sex, I try to get him off the XBox and his response is “Babe! Your making me die” Seriously WTF is that?! Mastubating is not as good as the real deal. So what’s a girl to do?

Stretch marks and an Xbox addicted babydaddy? You are living my nightmare.

Listen, you picked this guy. Normally I’d tell you to suck it up and deal with the consequences of your stupid life choices, but for the sake of your daughter, I’m gonna ignore my bitchier instincts and throw you a bone here.

In situations like this one, your daughter is what’s known as “leverage.” As long as your boyfriend wants to be a part of her life, you have positional advantage to affect his behavior. I suggest you use it.

For your daughter’s sake, for his sake, really, for America’s sake, I want you to take that Xbox out to an empty field and smash it with a fucking baseball bat. Remember the fax machine scene from Office Space? Yeah. Do that. Go crazy.

Your child will not be raised in a house with video games. It’s as simple as that. Never forget, you are well within your rights and duties as the mother of the house to lay down the motherfucking law.

Sure, he’ll be pissed. He’ll be furious, but what’s he gonna do? Not fuck you? Right. You’re already used to that. Let him throw a tantrum like the child he obviously is. Too bad. It’s time for him to grow the fuck up.

And don’t listen to any of his man-of-the-house bullshit about “after a long, hard day at work…” He’s not out grabbing a beer with the guys to blow off a little steam. He’s a lazy sack of shit parked on the sofa playing video games instead of spending time with his family.

If he wants to be the man of the house, then he needs to put away childish things, and you know what? Now that he’s a father, he’s obligated to grow up.

That’s how you compete with an Xbox, sweetie. You don’t even allow it a place in your home.

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Advice

On playing vs being

I’d appreciate it if you could elaborate on your perspective on playing/being hard to get.

To quote you, you say that playing hard to get works on boys, being hard to get works on men, but you always draw a distinction between being hard to get and impossible to get.

1) What practical difference is there between consciously holding back to stoke interest in a lover, and unconsciously holding back if they both serve the same ends?

2) Is playing/being hard to get even a legitimate tactic in romantic relationships? Isn’t appealing to someone’s desire for what they can’t have just a matter of ego rather than a substantial bond between two people built on mutual affinity?

3) you can’t be naturally hard to get AND consciously making sure you’re not too hard to get. You’ve contradicted yourself.

 

Everything about your question — all of it — falls squarely into the category of playing hard to get. You have yet to even grasp the concept of being hard to get.

Being hard to get isn’t a tactic. It has nothing to do with conscious or unconscious action. It just fucking is.

Stop thinking about it. Let it go. I know you want me to elaborate on the distinction, but until you start getting zen about this shit, it’s only going to frustrate you.

(Sometimes I wish I could end these things with the sound of a gong.)

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