Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On platonic vs. romantic.

Every guy I ever get really close to always seems to regard me as “just friends.” Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I mean, I don’t think I’m an unattractive girl. I’m cute, at the very least, I have honkin’ boobs, and I’m not unwilling to hook up. So what’s stopping all these guys from liking me? I don’t have bad personality, I’m not fat, and I’m not ugly, but it seems like that last few guy friends I’ve grown close to have been like, “I really like you wait jklol we’re just friends.” I’m sick of being lead on, and I’m sick of not getting any action.

How do I keep from getting lead on? More importantly, how do I keep from going into “just friends” territory?

Stop looking for boyfriends amongst your guy friends. Platonic relationships are different than romantic ones. They begin differently, they progress differently, and they sure as hell end differently.

It’s incredibly difficult and very rare to make an honest shift between platonic and romantic. It’s relationship alchemy.

You may think there’s a double standard here, but there isn’t. The friend zone is real for both genders. The only difference is that guys are more likely to fuck you if you’re in their friend zone — once. That’s probably what’s causing you such frustration.

In fact, the whole notion of “starting off as friends” is kind of bullshit. Most of the time when couples describe how they started off as friends, that’s not really true. Whether they admitted it or not, it had always been romantic, and the timing finally worked out.

If you want to keep from getting lead on, then stop kidding yourself. Every girl knows the difference between platonic and romantic. If he’s not interested in fucking you from day one, it’s platonic. It’s as simple as that.

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Advice

On standards.

So a few girlfriends and I recently just went to the bar. After getting our drink on for a few hours, some guy came over and was talking to us. We were all flirting with him and he got one friend’s number at the bar. Meanwhile, he was feeling me up under the table. As we were leaving, he whispered “Don’t go” and asked for my number. As soon as we got home, he texted my friend and I. She went to bed, though, and ignored his text. I was down for a good fuck and went to his hotel. I told my friend about it the next day and she has proceeded to continually call him “creepy” and “weird”. Supposedly a friend of hers knows the guy and says he’s a player. What I’m wondering is if you think my friend is just being bitchy out of jealousy? I mean, she could’ve fucked him too, and it’s not like I didn’t know that he also texted her. I’m fine with us all knowing he is a player but I can’t help but be slightly offended that she keeps shit talking. I’ve kind of just let it go since, but I wanted a second, unbiased opinion. Does this seem like she is acting out of jealousy? Am I just dwelling on it too much? She has had many one night stands herself.

This could be jealousy. Then again, your friend probably just has higher standards than you.

Are you so desperate for attention that you find it acceptable for a stranger to be scratching your camel toe while he’s scoring your friend’s phone number?

Are you so desperate for random dick that you’ll answer a hail mary booty text from a guy that you know is alone in his hotel room shotgunning through his phone log?

I hate to break it to you, but the guy really does sound creepy and weird. I guarantee if you didn’t show up and fuck him for free, his next call would have been to an escort service.

I’m all for one night stands, but have some dignity next time.

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Advice

On living with parents.

I want to first start by saying you reeeeeally helped me in a previous question I asked (moving the fuck on).

Anyway, I have a friend, who’s family has always kind of treated her like a step child. Her sis is the princess (mind you a princess who said she was going out of state for one week to vacation and ended up staying there to live with a boy, boy got her pregnant, some months later move back here to CA on mommy/daddy’s dime with baby and bf in tow). Her bro is barely around (always at his gf’s). My friend just got a job in her career which she loves but still lives at home to save money. I’m afraid for her sanity that she needs to move out and get her own place, at least a little apartment because her mother is ALL in her business (i.e. looks through her bills and statements to see how much money she has, always asks her who texted/called her, where’s she’s going, who is she talking to on FB, etc. It’s ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is her sis, who lives few doors away (with bf and baby) in same apt building, who thinks its ok to steal my friends clothes out of her closet (even ones with new tags) and get mad at my friend when she asks for them back. I feel bad for her, and I don’t know how else to tell her that she should move out soon for her own sanity? Mind you, she isn’t a kid/teen (she’s 26). And with her job now, I’m sure can afford at the least a studio in our area.

Like you said, she’s not a kid. If she’s not in danger, it’s best not to interfere with family business.

Privacy and dignity are the cost of living under your parents’ roof in your twenties. She may be saving money, but nothing is free.

As long as your friend considers her privacy and dignity to be worth less than rent on a studio apartment, there’s nothing you can really do.

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Advice

On me not being a doctor.

On your most recent advice: if the dude is up on his STD game, he’ll know that pretty much the only way to find out you have herpes is to have an outbreak. Some clinics tell you this, some don’t, but herpes tests aren’t really worth a damn. Most who have herpes will test negative on a blood screen if they’re not having an outbreak at the time. Just fyi.

So, yeah. Sorry. I don’t have herpes and didn’t know this.

I guess our girl will have to wait until her vagina has christmas lights before running her little scam.

Then again, she could just do the right thing and tell him.

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Advice

On the lesser of two evils.

Im 30 and I think Ive finally found a guy I can stick with for longer than 3 months. Thing is, one of my ex’s gave me genital herpes and I dont know if I should tell this guy. Ive never told any of my boyfriends between STI guy and current guy but for some reason, with this guy, I keep thinking I should tell him. On the other hand I figure if he proposes, thats when I tell him, haha. Ive never given anyone the virus either btw.

We both know the right thing to do is tell him, but I understand the temptation to play russian roulette with your vagina.

Here’s the deal. You finally found someone you respect enough that you don’t want to lie about your STD. Fine. Congratulations. What you’re really asking me is how to tell him so you don’t lose him.

You’re asking me for secret evil plans.

Normally, I’m not one to advocate manipulation, but I get the sense that if I don’t tell you how to pull this off, you’re just never gonna tell him, and that’s not cool.

If you promise to only use these powers for good, here’s what you do:

First, let him know that you’re going to get yourself tested for STDs. Let it be casual, like it’s part of an annual checkup. Don’t ask him to get tested. It doesn’t involve him at all. All you’re doing is softening the ground so later he doesn’t ask why you felt you needed to get tested. If it seems like routine lady business, guys will never question it.

Go down to Planned Parenthood and get tested for everything. When the test comes back positive for the herp, call him up and freak the fuck out. You’re scared. You’re angry. You’re incredibly upset at the news. You don’t make any accusations, and who knows where you might have gotten it, but you demand he get tested.

Now you’re in it together. Not only have his protective instincts kicked in, but he’s nervous that he might have herpes, and god forbid, what if he’s the one who gave it to you?

He’ll get tested. If it comes back positive, then you two can sail off in the same boat. If he comes back clean, he will be infinitely less likely to break things off with you. He’ll want to comfort you. He’ll want to be adult about it. After all, the two of you have been brought so much closer by the experience.

Before long, you’ll be sending him to the drug store to pick up your Valtrex.

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Advice

On how not to do it.

Dear aging bitch,

Do you believe in SSRIs?

Really? You’re gonna call me names and then ask my opinion? Hey, nobody asked you to write in. This isn’t fucking homework. Now apologize and ask nicely.

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Advice

On dating that guy in that band.

I’m dating this guy from a semi famous band openly. my friend was looking through my texts, and found out about it, gasp. she thinks i’m being ‘taken advantage of,’ am ‘one of many,’ and it’s all ‘b.s cuz honestly why would he pick you? no offense.’
anyway, I’m not some dumb bitch, and know that the long distance thing isn’t the best and that girls are throwing themselves at him because he’s in a band, but am I being an idiot? I really like him, and it seems like me, but is it worth it? And am I a cunt for wanting to slap this ‘friend’?

Just ignore the jealous bitch. She’s not even worth the slap. After all, haters gonna hate.

So what if you’re one of many? You’re dating a musician, not marrying an accountant. As long as you don’t have any illusions about what might happen on the road, enjoy yourself.

Go have some fucking fun.

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Advice

On family violence.

The other day my mom called the police on my 19 year old brother for shoving me and then slapping me in the head. I’d provoked the argument, yes, and it was a ridiculous sibling-type argument to begin with. I take full responsibility there. But did I deserve to be hit? No. The thing is, he’s hit me before and actually beaten me up. A couple of months ago he punched me in the nose and almost broke it, and yanked my 21 year old sister by the hair. This happened back in March, and this time it was a much lesser offense, but my mom was actually there to see it finally.

So here’s what really bothers me. I have to testify against him in a few hours at family court, and this may or may not give him a criminal record. I don’t like my brother one bit. For a 19 year old boy, who’s 6’ and 180 pounds to hit a 16 year old girl who’s a foot shorter and 50 pounds lighter is ridiculous. I don’t believe in hitting in the first place ever, except in a case of self-defense. And I didn’t even hit back, either time. But the thing is, as much as I dislike my brother, I still love him and care about him. I don’t want him to have a criminal record, and I don’t want him to hate me forever. He’s possibly bi-polar, suicidal, and has extreme anger management issues. I feel for him and care about him, but I don’t want to allow myself to be hurt again.

So what do I do? All I want is for my brother to realize that I, as a woman, refuse to allow myself to be subjected to abuse. He needs to get his anger under control and not take it out on me or any other woman. But like I said, I don’t want him to hate me for the rest of his life, because I DO love him. He’s my brother and when he isn’t out of control, he’s an amazing person. It’s in these cases where he really is ugly.

I don’t really know what I’m getting at, other than how can I keep my brother from absolutely hating me? I just need some reassurance that we’ll get through this, but mostly that I will. And am I wrong in still loving my brother? I feel like I am, but I hope I’m not.

You’re worried about your abuser hating you? You sound like a battered wife.

He’s your fucking brother. He’s family. To the extent that he’s capable of love, he will always love you. Regardless of how he feels, his emotional state is not your responsibility.

He’s a fucking adult who should face adult consequences. I’m sorry that it falls on you to be the one to hold his feet to the fire, but again, you’re family. Better you be the one to deal with it now than it fall to a string of his beaten and victimized girlfriends.

As much as your brother needs treatment for his anger management, you and your mom need to seek treatment to arm yourselves with a few coping skills. The fallout of domestic violence isn’t isolated to just your brother. Abusive men aren’t created in a vacuum. Your entire family could use a little airing out.

You’re going through a tough time right now. I could tell you that things will be fine and you’ll get through it, but that kind of empty reassurance helps no one.

Go get help. You need it. You deserve it.

If you do that, things may very well end up being okay.

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Advice

On why we hate teenage girls.

I bet you anything you’re going to read this and beat your head against the wall as hard as I did.

I learned from a friend last night that apparently I wasn’t welcome in her grandmother’s house anymore. At Friend X’s 16th birthday party I’d popped off some black humor and her grandmother had thought I was being serious. She thought I was “acting superior” and “had offended her personally”.

So what’s my first reflex? To do what I was raised to do. I load up Wordperfect and type the grandmother a big, completely earnest letter of apology. I figure that’ll get her attention, teenagers don’t write letters anymore. I use my good writing voice, I want this woman to know damn sure I want her forgiveness. So I get it done and I have Friend X proofread it and she drops this bomb:

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. So if I get in trouble for you sending this letter, I’m never speaking with you again. Also, you’re trying to sound older than you are in your letter. She’ll think it’s insincere.”

Sadly that’s not out-of-character. Friend X has always been toxic. She’s whiny, overreacting, self-indulgent, and has an ego bigger than the Hindenburg. She starts more needless drama than all my friends and family combined. Under all the fake problems, though, she does have some real ones, and I stay her friend because I want to help with those. I’ve had some close confidants tell me that that’s a warning sign; that it means I’ll tolerate abusive relationships in the future. If I stay her friend, I’ll feel honorable but be plagued by her vitriol. If I nut up and tell her what she really is, OR I send the letter and it goes over badly, I’ll be free of her drama but drag remorse around for years.

Fatiguing story, isn’t it? So now at long last we come to my question. Should I even send this letter? Is there any point in stretching this friendship out to the end of senior year?

First, you don’t type apologies. You hand write them.

Next, put down the fucking thesaurus. Your friend may be toxic, but she’s right about your “good writing voice.” Phrases like “plagued by her vitriol” make you sound like an asshole.

As for your letter, no you shouldn’t send it. The very fact that you’re still considering it leads me to believe that you secretly crave drama, which would also explain why you even bother keeping your whacked-out friend around in the first place.

Also, you really seem to be missing the point when it comes to honor and friendship. The point isn’t for you to “feel honorable.” The point is for you to be honorable, regardless of how it feels. In other words, treating a friend like she’s an emotional charity case isn’t honorable, even if it feels that way.

Actually, it seems as if Granny McSourcunt had you pegged when she said that you’re “acting superior.” Your friend isn’t a psych patient under your care. It’s not your job to “tell her what she really is.” It’s your job to be a friend without any of the holier-than-thou tone.

Either be her genuine friend, or move on.

If this feels like a bit of a bitch slap, it’s because someone needs to tell you that you come off as smug. It’s typical teenage pretension masking typical teenage insecurity, but the rest of the world just sees a mean girl.

Other than Twilight novels, this kind of stuff is the single biggest reason why people can’t stand teenage girls.

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Advice

On practice making perfect.

First off, I respect you so much from the posts I’ve read!
Secondly, I need some perspective. The problem is that sex just isn’t doing it for me. I feel like I only like the idea of sex. The first time I had sex, well, it didn’t last long since we were both really young and new to it, but after he got a bit of a tolerance and it lasted longer it never lived up to my expectations. There’s foreplay, we talk dirty to each other, and when we’re having sex he is trying to make me feel good. I don’t know if he’s still just inexperienced or if I just can’t feel good. I’ve never had an orgasm other than on my own, which still is disappointing, and now when he goes down on me I just make him stop because I know it’s not going anywhere (I don’t want to hurt his ego so by “telling him to stop” it’s more of me telling him to fuck me). It probably sounds like I don’t get into it, but I can promise every time I’m horny as hell, it just never blows my mind I guess i could say.

I just don’t know what to think. I’m still young, but I can’t help but worry that this is what sex is like. Shed some light?

Did you ever play a musical instrument? Ever in a band?

You were embarrassingly bad at first, weren’t you? It was an uncoordinated, cacophonous mess. You fucking sucked.

Same thing here. You are having the sexual equivalent of middle school band practice.

Don’t worry, rookie. It gets better. Much, much better.

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