what do you think of miley cyrus?

I resent the implication that I should have an allotment of brain cells dedicated to Miley Cyrus.

I don’t give a waxed cunt-hair about her, and neither should you.

Since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend earlier this year, I’ve opted to do a lot more fucking around than “legitimate dating.” If I’m asked about it by the men I hook up with, I’m not one to hide the fact that ‘no, you’re not the only one I’m banging.’ Honesty is best, I figure.

One of these men recently suggested that I’m approaching my sex life in this manner because I hate men. I’m not feeling it; I’m just burnt out on relationships but still want to have fun, ya know? The comment has stuck with me however, and I wonder — could this be possible? Could I be fucking around and daring to be candid about it because I have some sort of axe to grind?

It’s not that you have an axe to grind. You may be dealing with some residual anger toward one man in particular, but that’s a far cry from hating men.

What you’re doing is actually a pretty transparent defense mechanism. You’re dropping a bomb in the name of honesty to explode potential relationships before you get too close to be vulnerable.

You’re not being candid with the truth, you’re weaponizing it.

It’s perfectly fine to fuck around all you like, but being emotionally honest requires that you be open about it up front.

A guy you’re regularly banging shouldn’t need to ask whether he’s the only one. It’s not any of his business who else you’re fucking, but it’s also not fair for you to lead him on when you’re romantically unavailable.

what was your first love like?

Unrequited and incredibly painful.

We were partners in crime. Wild young kids with a good thing going.

It was an intimate friendship — platonic, open, and physical. Then about a year into the relationship one day I woke up and I was in love.

I remember being so angry at myself. I didn’t want to be in love. I knew it would ruin everything, and it did.

After spinning from all the fun, suddenly all we could do was wobble from the imbalance. We tried to make it work as a couple, but we both knew damn well he wasn’t capable of giving it back.

We lasted for about six more months until I begrudgingly admitted to myself that I’d have to fall out of love.

No regrets, though.

I’m meticulously planning my death and I am not ashamed of it. I am asking about it because I really have come to admire and respect your opinion but please again, rest assured it is by no means going to adversely affect me because there is no right or wrong answer with this and I am already sure of my decision to do it. So the question really is:

What do you think of someone doing this?

I told my mother (58) I love her so much endlessly however after she dies (which is in reasonably-let us say, 20-30 years or so) I will have my death planned out by then if I have not died by chance/accident already or another variable I didn’t consider. She was quiet at first but told me she’s proud. Everyone else seems to think I’m being completely absurd and hilarious. I have to be joking and so on. Actually, what’s funny to me is how nobody seems to take this too seriously at all. That’s why I thought I might write to you.

You see – my plan is to die for a cause, altruism if you will- but I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process so I am waiting for the only person that I know that would be deeply profoundly disturbed (mother) if my death would precede her own. As a fellow existential nihilist, I don’t really care about asking questions, pondering, searching for meaning. I have a shit ton of meaning everyday making friends happy, empathetically caring for others, having compassion and having fun. I just want to knowingly die that I am leaving the world behind a little bit of a better place somehow. Any thoughts on how to do that with a death? I don’t want to hurt anyone with bombings or any other melodrama. I just want to liberate people somehow. I don’t have a martyr complex or anything fatalistic like that. I am just comfortable knowing that I can go anytime and I would like to know that, if I had a choice, I would have a plan for it. If it doesn’t happen that way then I am fine with that too. But I do care about living, about the people who love and care about me and what I am going to do until I execute this said-plan. Which is just conjecture at this point until I go through with it! I think many people struggle with the thoughts of suicide but now since I have almost died three times (if you read about my trip to India and etc. note prior, you may have missed it it’s ok). I have deduced that it is not healthy to think of death as taboo under the guise of good manners.

So here is where I am with this.

Thanks for always taking the time to read these tedious things. You really have a startlingly bold and original voice I have come to admire and respect. I hope you don’t take this as flattery for the sake of because I am being sincere. Your musings on the satire of human life your commentary and unflinchingly abrasive brilliant prose are all even more amazing because of your choice to remain anonymous. What a feminist adventure! I think you are one of life’s treasure finds. You are a talent that is undoubtedly enriching peoples lives. Love that shit, it’s brave noble and you’re really fun and pornographic too. I’m writing a review that only you will be reading. Ha. Toodles

xo

Announcing that you’re not ashamed to be meticulously planning your death is a tiny bit of false humility on your part. Of course you’re not ashamed. In fact, you’re quite proud.

Admit that your proud. Own that shit and let your mother off the hook. You don’t need her vicarious pride, and she doesn’t deserve to contemplate her own death concurrently with yours.

Each of us must come to terms with our mortality in our own way, and it’s not fair for you to hoist your death onto hers. It’s incredibly selfish of you.

It’s not thoughtful enough for you to wait until your mother dies before offing yourself. She should also die believing that you will continue leading a long and happy life. At the very least, your meticulous plans should include whatever ruse is necessary to convince her of that. You may not respect the gift of life, but at least respect your mother.

That being said, I’m not going to try and talk you out of suicide. It’s your death, you only get one, and it’s certainly yours to do with as you like. Go ahead, be creative.

As long as you stay true to your word not to hurt anyone in the process, feel free to pull off something spectacular.

You’re not going to liberate anyone, though. It doesn’t work like that. Noble suicides are exceedingly rare. They are the product of history in the making, not individual planning. I’m sorry to say that you will not get swept up in the revolution.

If the goal then is to die for a cause, you’ll come up short there as well. The Catch-22 to finding a cause worthy of your death is that any cause that directly benefits from your planned suicide is inherently unworthy, and any cause that suggests otherwise is also inherently evil.

Modern science affords us only one exception to these rules — make sure you’re a fucking organ donor.

Organ donation is the only legitimate and tangible way your early demise might serve an altruistic purpose. Whatever else you do, you’d be an complete asshole not to ensure that each and every one of your donatable organs is kept in tip-top shape, both pre and post mortem.

Again, you may not respect the gift of life, but at least respect the people in dire need of your heart, lungs, kidneys, and liver.

Of course, this altruism limits you to drowning in a bathtub filled with ice water. Not particularly creative, and certainly not spectacular.

Listen, you’re obviously intelligent. I get that you take this stuff seriously, but that’s not the same as being emotionally honest. If you really are an existential nihilist, then you should know that trying to cram a bit of significance into your suicide is just as delusional as expecting life after death.

Plus, you seem to be confusing lack of purpose for a lack of value. Life may be meaningless, but it’s still priceless.

Don’t worry. You’ll die someday, and you might even get to plan it. In the meantime, how ‘bout you go do something fascinating and altruistic with your life instead?

Toodles.

what role do prostitutes play in the coketalk guide to happy sexing?

Whatever role you pay them for. Kind of the point, isn’t it?

Some of my best friends are high priced escorts, so I’m familiar with more than just the concept of prostitution. For a hard working and talented few, it can be a wild and lucrative trade, but like most jobs, the brutal reality usually involves shitty hours and undignified labor.

As with everything, street-level hustling should be discouraged. I don’t care if it’s drugs, pussy, or sacks full or oranges — you’ve got no business selling it on the corner.

Also, I don’t keep men in my life who pay for sex. Sorry guys. Life is full of double standards. I’ve got no problem with my girls selling it, but you’ve lost my respect if you’re buying.

Other than that, be safe and leave the money on the nightstand.

What’s the absolute shittiest way to do makeup?

With a shotgun.

I’m hitting hermit stage with a new boyfriend. Friends have stopped calling me mid week since they know i’ll be tucked in bed all day and night with this new boy. While i’m totally into the little existence the both of us have going on, should i ditch the seinfeld reruns and copious oral sex for listening to my friends bitch and moan? It seems anytime i’m around them now, they are so negative which is just a bad comedown from cloud nine. Its become normal for me to only see some of them in passing every saturday night out clubbing. I know its dangerous to put all your eggs in one basket but no other basket had made me cum 12 times in one night before. I just need someone to tell me how to organise my whole priorities properly.

What’s the source of their negativity? Are they bitching and moaning as per usual, or are they going through some legitimate crisis and they need you?

Obviously, you should never abandon friends in a crisis. That said, the odds are good that they’ve always been soul-draining cunts, and it’s because you’re momentarily blissed-out from all the orgasms that you’ve finally noticed.

If that’s the case, go with the oral sex and reruns. Never look back.

Now, I’m not saying choose a new boy over old friends. In fact, this has very little to do with the guy. I’m suggesting that you cut people out of your life if they are emotionally draining.

Life’s too short not to surround yourself with positive, happy people.