I think I’m going to break up with my boyfriend after work. I have 20 minutes left at work and another 20 minute commute home. What am I doing? What am I doing? I keep thinking: Will you do it later or will you do it now? Coq, you’ve never steered me wrong before. How do I even do this?

Chill. You’ll be fine. If it’s over, it’s over.

Be firm, be clear, and be kind. Don’t bullshit, and don’t put up with any bullshit. Once you’ve done it, get the fuck out and go hang with some friends. There’s no need to wallow in break-up mode.

Don’t worry. The hardest part will be your drive home.

What makes you think Woody did it? There’s so much hate flying around the internet and a lot of misinformation, and I’m finding it really hard trying to figure out who’s more clear.

Are you fucking kidding me? When a seven year old girl confesses in graphic detail to being sexually assaulted by her adoptive father, BELIEVE HER. When, as an adult, her story hasn’t changed despite two decades of unimaginable pressure, shame, and unwanted publicity, BELIEVE HER.

Could that be any more fucking clear?

Why would u cancel the show Girls? It’s the only show on TV that’s relatable and body image isn’t everything for once.

Are you fucking kidding me? Girls is terrible. The only theme is malignant narcissism, the only stories are ones of pathological self-absorption, and every single character is a spoiled rotten navel-gazing garbage monster.

Of course, all of that would be forgivable if the show were somehow funny or poignant, but it’s so completely up its own ass that it is neither.

Honestly, if Girls is the only show on television that you find relatable, then you are a horrible fucking person. Hate me all you want for saying so, but I promise, in five years you’ll realize how right I am about this.

And for fuck’s sake, have you not seen Broad City yet? That show is brilliant and hilarious. It’s everything Girls should have been and more. Go watch it immediately.

I’m part of a fairly large Facebook group of improv friends. One friend suggested that we all go bowling sometime, which I thought was great. But then I got the idea to ask the entire group if the single people wanted to go bowling on Valentine’s Day, especially because some people in the group really feel lonely. I wasn’t trying to exclude the people in relationships, but I thought it would be nice to be in solidarity with each other. One girl in the group, someone in a “primary-but-open relationship” (her words), took offense and clearly wanted to be included. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, but I did want us single folks to have something to do together. I’ll admit that that wasn’t the best place to pose the idea, but am I crazy for thinking the offended girl lacks understanding for why I offered the idea?

It’s bowling. On Valentine’s Day. Just shut the fuck up and be happy with whoever wants to come.

My husband and I really want to start a family. I’m 30 and he’s 34. We have a combined annual income of around $110,000 but have debt of nearly $50,000. I’m scared that if we wait a couple of years until we are in a better financial position, we don’t have a lot of time up our sleeves if we have problems conceiving. On the other hand, if we start trying now I’m afraid that we’ll set ourselves up to live in a financial black hole for the next 20 years. Please Coquette, give it to me straight.

You two are a couple of salary earners, right? Yeah, the next twenty years are going to be a financial black hole no matter what you do, so if you insist on breeding, you might as well go ahead and get it over with.

Good luck clinging to the middle class.

I hate Macklemore. Isn’t a straight white man writing a hip-hop song about gay relationships the definition of exploitative?

Sure, but here’s a thought experiment: How would your opinion of Macklemore change if you knew that he liked to suck big black cock?

Let’s take the thought experiment one step further: Imagine if Macklemore and Ryan Lewis were suddenly outed as this generation’s Milli Vanilli, and it was revealed that “The Heist” was actually a secret collaboration between Frank Ocean and Big Freedia. How would your opinion of the album change?

It’s very easy to hate on Macklemore after all the Grammys the industry threw at him last night. He honestly couldn’t be a bigger, whiter, or straighter target. That’s fine. I totally get why you can’t stand the dude, and I can’t really fault you for your opinion.

He’s just so weirdly polarizing, and that’s why he’s kind of a puzzle to me. As someone who comments on pop culture, I feel obligated to have an opinion on Macklemore, and yet for some reason, I don’t.

All of my friends seem to feel very strongly about him one way or the other, and they all make perfectly valid arguments to back up their pro or anti Macklemore opinions. I hear what everybody has to say, and I hear the music, and all I can do is smile and nod.

It all just passes right through me. Nothing sticks. Even now, as I type these words, I’m trying to give a shit one way or the other about Macklemore, and the most I can muster is a mild disdain for douchebags who try and dress like him in public.

Meh. I guess time will tell. Or not. Whatever.

I’m a lesbian. Woo. Yay rainbows and shit. I was raised in a really conservative, Southern Baptist family; yeah, that was fun. Anyway, I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend, and we’re planning to marry once it’s legal in our state. However, my family refuses, completely, to ever acknowledge our relationship. In fact, they take regular measures to remind me of how disappointing and wrong my (our*) life is, and they make a point to keep it clear that they will never allow her to have any interaction with our family. I can rarely spend time with them anymore without ending up in a fight about it. I’ve tried to preserve the relationship because they’re family, but I want to know, is there a point at which I should just put my foot down and cut ties? Or should I just plaster a fake smile on my face and spend the rest of my life going stag to family functions, clenching my teeth every time someone encourages me to “find a man, already”?

I’m so very sorry that a stupid fucking religion has come between you and your family. If they won’t accept who you are because of a small-minded interpretation of an irrational belief system, then you are under no obligation to plaster a fake smile on your face for the rest of your life.

Do what you gotta do. Cutting ties is a big deal, but this is one of those circumstances where you should definitely put your own happiness and well-being above their petty and ignorant bullshit.

It may take years for them to learn their lesson, but if there is even an ounce of good in them, eventually they’ll realize that having a lesbian daughter is better than having no daughter at all.

And if not, fuck ‘em.

Why do people listen to you when you’re so full of shit? Anyone can just get the same shit you dole out by asking any random pretentious student at Barnard.

Mmm. Here comes the hate. It’s so predictable and delicious. Love your choice of cultural references, by the way. Barnard? How sassy of you. (I’m so sorry that you didn’t get into your safety school.)

Yeah, I’m in a mood this morning, like maybe I wanna see how many social justice warriors I can get to unfollow me. Come on, who wants to join me for a champagne brunch and watch me check my privilege?

“Can you ever be friends with your boss? Sure you can, but never forget that in his role as your boss he is not your friend.”

Interesting that you chose a masculine pronoun there for a question in which gender wasn’t specified. I understand that “he” is often the default, but I thought that in this context, the grammatical reinforcement of boss = male wasn’t helpful.

In some ways this shit could seem pedantic and wholly inconsequential. On the other hand, you’d call someone out for this, so I’m just returning the favor.

Personally, I have no problem using the masculine singular (he/his) as the default pronoun. Using the neuter plural (they/their) in place of a singular pronoun drives me fucking crazy, and using the feminine singular (she/her) usually has political and ironic implications that end up being more problematic than just defaulting to the masculine singular.

That’s certainly the case here. If I had said, “never forget that in her role as your boss, she is not your friend,” that would have added an extra layer of undesirable meaning. The humorless cunt brigade would have written just as many angry letters accusing me of calling female bosses duplicitous as wrote me angry letters for defaulting to the masculine singular pronoun. (Yes, I got several letters.)

There are times when defaulting to the feminine singular is necessary for emphasis, but this wasn’t one of those times. Also, I’m just not the type to write with my elbows to avoid using gendered language.

Sorry, kids. Life is full of double standards and awkward pronouns. Get used to it, and learn to pick your fucking battles.