I’m writing this for a friend who is in need of some of your wit and wisdom. The girlfriend he’s been seeing since spring and living with for the past couple of months discovered that she was pregnant about two months ago. Since that time she has refused to tell her family or friends, and won’t go see a doctor or make a decision about how she wants to handle the pregnancy. My friend says he has tried to convince her to do all of the above, but instead she mopes and waxes morose about the life she is giving up. To be fair, she is 19 (he is 24), and I imagine if I was in the same situation at that age I would have struggled with it as well because of my sheltered upbringing. I can understand being absolutely mortified at the thought of her parents discovering the news. However, by not even going to see the doctor she is jeopardizing her own health—especially since he thinks she is displaying signs of a possible miscarriage—and my friend (admittedly not the most emotionally capable person) is having a difficult time reasoning with her about it. If you had some advice to pass on to them I would love to hear it.

Tell this idiot to belt his dumbfuck girlfriend into the passenger seat of his car and drive straight to the nearest Planned Parenthood office. They can provide health services and counseling for whatever decision she ultimately makes, so just get her through the door.

If they require an appointment, have him fucking make one. If there are costs involved, tell him to shut the fuck up and use a credit card. If it’s an hour away, tell them to pee before they hit the road. No excuses. She doesn’t get to mope around about it, and he can’t stand there anymore with his thumb up his butt. Tell them to go, and go now.

Obviously, this twit should get a fucking abortion, but it’s not your place to tell either of them that. It’s up to her to decide, and it’s up to him to offer support and guidance. She can terminate the pregnancy or she can keep the baby, but she can’t spend one more day living in denial. Neither can he.

What should the West be doing re: Syria at this point? The Assad regime is awful, yet the rebels are not much better. Seems like such a lose-lose.

Should? Fuck should. The west is gonna do what the west always does.

U.S. led military forces will blow some shit up for a few weeks while the CIA covertly aids the rebels in toppling the Assad regime. (I’m guessing he’ll wind up dead, but his wife and kids will get to live in the UK.)

Everyone will celebrate for 48 hours. Then, under the guise of a “democratic transition,” we’ll install a puppet “reformer” who won’t be able to do much to stop the ensuing sectarian bloodbath.

The new guy will prove himself a monster by the end of the decade, and of course, the Saudis, Russia, and Iran will find a way to profit from all the madness while the U.S. pays through the nose to keep the peace in Israel.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve been fucking someone with a girlfriend for four years. Apparently, he loves us both. It’s fun when we’re together until we’re not, then I’m left to think of him with her. How do I regain control of my emotions? I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to care about him.

Regain control of your emotions? Fuck you. It’s not like you got drunk one night and accidentally fucked a dude who wasn’t single. You’ve spent nearly half a damn decade as the other woman. Quit acting like you lost your free will and take some responsibility for your shitty behavior.

If you don’t want to care about him anymore, step back and recognize this dude for the duplicitous piece of shit that he is. Start caring for your own emotional well being, and have some fucking self-respect.

You’re better than this, aren’t you? Come on, at least admit that you deserve more than being a mistress. Who gives a flying fuck if he says he loves you both? Do you have any idea how slimy that sounds? You’re nothing but a runner-up piece of ass to a douchebag capable of long-term deceit and emotional dishonesty.

This guy has zero integrity. You don’t want his love. It’s not worth it. It never was. Cut your losses and fucking end it.

I had a friends with benefits relationship that wasn’t too enjoyable for me. I honestly felt disgusted when he kissed me, cried once during sex and at the time hated my body. I want to pick myself up and move on, but I never want to deal with his condescending ass again. Next time he tries to talk to me, should I just tell him fuck off?

That wasn’t a friend with benefits. That was just bad sex with a jerk who happened to be in your life. Good on you for wanting to pick yourself up and move on. Now go do it.

As of this moment, he’s fucking dead to you. You don’t ever have to talk to him again, but if telling him to fuck off will improve your situation, by all means, ram it up his ass with your middle finger.

Just got dumped. You have excellent taste in music and nothing I’ve got is scratching the itch (besides Signs/Bloc Party but I would rather not wear that gem out). 5 songs I should listen to while I lick my wounds?

Sorry, dude. That sucks. Here are 10 songs:

• Hands of Time – Groove Armada
• About Today – The National
• Sail On – Commodores
• Lost Cause – Beck
• On the Nature of Daylight – Max Richter
• Against All Odds – Phil Collins
• Say Hello Wave Goodbye – David Gray
• Thinkin Bout You – Frank Ocean
• Wild World – Cat Stevens
• Transatlanticism – Death Cab For Cutie

My professor said some really inappropriate things to me. Nothing sexual. I’m a girl, he’s a gay man, so there you have it. I asked him for help on a novel I’ve been working on for over a year now, and instead of constructive criticism, this is what he had to say:

“Your novel sounds awful.”

“I didn’t attack you for your earnestness. I don’t see how I attacked you at all. I merely pointed out your laziness, lack of politics, wrong usages and gave you some of my opinions on things you were doing.”

“You clearly have a problem taking criticism. Please write to someone else who tells you what you want to hear.”

No one, not even my other professors who used to teach me have been so harsh.

I mean, I just asked for help and criticism, and found myself attacked for my earnestness, I feel so discouraged and unable to write, like something is eating away from within and it isn’t just about this vitriolic man. It’s a general feeling of utter and complete worthlessness. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

In the event that you decide to answer this question, just remove the quotes please? I’m afraid someone might find out and identify me.

For the sake of brevity, I removed all but three quotes. Relax. No one is going to identify you, because no one gives a shit.

That’s actually your fundamental problem. You think people give a shit about you. They don’t. No one does. They never will, and you need to get used to it. As a writer, you are alone in this world. Not only are you alone, but odds are, your novel really is awful. If you can’t handle that brutal truth, then by all means, give up now and go try your hand at cupcakery or (god forbid) advertising.

Nothing your professor said to you was inappropriate. Clearly, he doesn’t respect you, but a lack of respect isn’t an attack. He didn’t attack you, not once, and certainly not for your earnestness. Fuck your earnestness. At your age, earnestness is indistinguishable from naiveté.

If you can’t go on like this, then don’t. The world is full of would-be novelists. If this one asshole is all it takes to discourage you, then fuck off. You aren’t strong enough to be a writer, and you don’t deserve to be one.

I have a “chicken and the egg” question, or at least that’s how it feels to me. I’ve been single for a couple months now but I’m still not over my ex. I’ve met a bunch of girls through friends that I feel a little interested in, but I don’t really think I’m ready to date or hook up. Will I know when I’m ready to put myself out there, or do I have to push myself through awkward social and sexual encounters for a while to get over her?

So yeah, I don’t think you understand the fundamental “which came first” paradox of the chicken and the egg. Unless you traveled back through time and became your own father by having an awkward sexual encounter with your mother, then your love life isn’t a problem of infinite regression.

What you’re dealing with is more of a Catch-22 type paradoxical situation in which you won’t be over your ex until you start dating again, but you can’t start dating again until you’re over your ex. It’s a pretty weak Catch-22, but it’s understandable considering how far your head is still stuck up your ass from what must have been an ugly break-up.

For the record, this is why rebounding exists. You’re allowed to fuck around a bit while you get over your ex, and it doesn’t have to mean anything. Go ahead and put yourself out there. Not all the way. Just a little. Have a one-night stand or something. Dip your toe in the dating pool.

Healing takes time. Might as well be getting laid while you wait.

I’ve been fucking the same guy for a year and a half, and for the past year I’ve been asking for him to commit to a relationship. He says he doesn’t know why, but he can’t. He’s “emotionally unavailable” or something— his words, not mine. I’m the twat who loves him, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to dump him yet. Help.

He doesn’t love you. He never will. Let that shit hurt for a hot minute, stop having sex with him, and then move the fuck on.

Been a huge fan of yours since the start, love your work. Writing to you is bittersweet – sucks about the problem, excited about the advice. Anyway, my issue is to do with my sex life. My boyfriend and I have been together just over two years. At first (as is the case with the start of most relationships, I suppose) we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. This suited me and my high sex drive just fine, and he also purported to be a very sexual person so it worked well. After a while it dropped off a bit, but now we hardly have sex at all. It bothers me a lot. We’ve spoken about it a fair bit and there’ve been various explanations on his part and promises from both of us to make more of an effort, to no real avail. Last night, however, he spoke to me about his last serious girlfriend and some intimacy issues they had which have made him more reserved about sex…the conversation was good and I felt like it explained a lot. He’s said he wants to be more intimate but due to his last girlfriend being very withdrawn he finds the business of starting sex very difficult (whether he or I initiates). It’s the build up that gets him, when we actually do it it’s really great and this “sexual guy” comes out. Our relationship is also very strong apart from this.

After the talk we agreed we should make more attempts to get back into it, but I don’t want to pressure him too much as that makes things worse. Oh Coketalk, what do you suggest? How do you convince someone to do something that they want to do but won’t? Are we really screwed (or not, as the case may be)? Do I need to adjust my expectations? Thanks babe.

He’s done fucking you. That’s it. That’s all. Sorry, but it happens.

Your boyfriend knows perfectly well how to initiate sex. He couldn’t keep his hands off you at one point, right? It’s not like he forgot. He just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Literally.

Maybe he’s got some sexual anxiety issues, but I doubt it. Odds are, he’s got unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex with a long-term partner. In other words, he’s just fucking lazy. The biggest clue is your remark that, “it’s the build up that gets him.” All I hear is that he’s not willing to put in the five minutes of fooling around it naturally takes a guy to work up a decent hard-on. That requires some effort on his part, and he can’t be bothered.

This is something I’ve noticed happening to men lately. Like most dudes, your boyfriend grew up jerking off to a grotesque avalanche of readily available internet porn. He’s spoiled by visual stimulation where the women are always hot and horny and the erections are always immediate and permanent. His arousal phase is fried, and so he just gives up on the real thing the second it’s not easy.

I’m not blaming porn. Not exactly. I’m blaming your boyfriend. Back when your relationship still had that new pussy smell, his novelty boners were instantaneous. Not so much anymore, and after noodle stabbing you a few too many times, he’d rather just be done fucking you than put any work into it.

What’s worse is that he’s using his ex-girlfriend as an excuse. That’s some low down bullshit right there. Whatever intimacy issues he may have had with his ex, they aren’t the reason he has problems initiating sex with you. Quite frankly, you should consider it a red flag that he would throw an ex-girlfriend under the bus like that. (Wanna guess who he’ll complain about to his next girlfriend?)

His ex isn’t the problem. He is. I don’t care if he says he wants to be more intimate. That’s an easy thing to want. I’m sure he also wants a million dollars. So fucking what? The real problem is that he’s sexually lazy, and he doesn’t want to put any work into getting aroused so he can fuck you like you need to get fucked.

Sorry, babe. I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isn’t. You can get angry, you can get kinky, or you can go get dick somewhere else, but at the end of the day, if he’s done fucking you, then he’s done fucking you.

I’ve been seeing a guy (“Z”) for around six months. I like him tons and we’re very compatible. In many of my past relationships people have had issues with my flat refusal to enter into any partnership that isn’t “open”. “Z” and I are both non-monogamous and enjoy carrying on relationships with multiple partners at varying degrees of intensity so long as everyone’s honest and safe. Recently, he confessed unprompted that he feels most strongly emotionally and physically about me. His actions demonstrate this, too. Also recently, I met his father. My instinct tells me that this person is a potential serious partner. We love, respect, and understand one another. We also have stupid amounts of fun. Here’s the thing- He’s 14 years my senior. I’m 21. In your opinion, (which I regard highly) am I being a total idiot to even consider dating someone who is 35? He doesn’t display any of the characteristics that I see in Man-children, and everything feels natural. Am I delusional? Should I maintain that I want to keep it casual, even though I don’t?

It’s too late to keep it casual. You guys already crossed the serious line a month or two ago. (Yes you did. You can tell by the fact that if one of you ended the relationship, it would hurt both of you much more than you’re willing to admit.)

That’s fine, though. You can keep getting serious, because it sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. Sure, 21 and 35 is a big age gap, but it’s one that can work, and it sounds like you two are equals where it counts.

Go for it. Fall in love together. Enjoy a non-monogamous, long-term relationship and then go have ten thousand of his babies.