I have strong feelings for a female I’ve met over the internet. The problem is I live in Chicago and she lives in San Diego. We’ve never met and we’ve been talking for a while now. I am going out there in a month for her birthday, what do we do if we hit it off?

Fuck like rabbits and then have a slice of cake.

I had sex with a married man. His wife found out, he confessed everything. She and I are acquaintances but not friends. She’s pissed and hurt and confused, obviously, and she has been texting me threats for a few days. Warranted for sure. She says she just needs to know why. I asked her if I can call her, she said no. So I’m supposed to text her I guess. What do I say to this woman? That I’m a piece of shit, & I didn’t actually think about her or their family even once or the consequences of my actions. I hoped no one would find out. I just wanted to. I’m not trying to make myself feel or look any better, it was selfish and wrong, but is there something I could say to help her?

Nope. Back the fuck off. You’re not gonna say anything that will help her. If she demands an explanation, feel free tell her that you’re a selfish, thoughtless piece of shit with no integrity. If she wants an apology, give it to her and mean it. Otherwise, cease to fucking exist in their lives, and whatever you do, don’t add any more drama to the situation.

I’m in a committed relationship with a boyfriend I love. I’m 24, but I’m getting the urge to nest. I’m not talking forever or kids, but I want to settle down somewhere at least for awhile and really put my heart into making a life there. We’ve definitely never talked marriage — and that’s not even what I want right now, but I want it (or preferably, an equivalent — none of this ‘til death’ business) one day. I don’t see him as the forever guy, but I’m enjoying this relationship so much. I feel shitty for not telling him how I feel, but I don’t want to ruin it either.

I realize I can’t do this forever. It’s not fair to him, and his feelings are just as important as mine are. What do I do?

You’re not in a committed relationship. You’re just in an exclusive one. There’s a difference between temporary monogamy and actual commitment.

If you’ve led your boyfriend to believe that you’re committed to him when you’re not, then you haven’t been honest with him. Does he think he’s the forever guy? If so, you gotta set the record straight and let him know how you really feel.

If there’s no confusion on his part and all he expects out of the relationship is exclusivity, then just take that shit day by day and see what happens.

I just graduated from college and it feels fucking weird. What do I do to get that sense of normalcy back in life? I have a job and am living with my boyfriend but I feel like everything is an out of body experience now. I know that this is the time to do shit on my own, but I’m doing that and I still feel like shit. Suggestions?

First of all, June gloom is real. You just gotta wait that shit out.

Secondly, it’s not a sense of normalcy you’re missing. It’s a sense of purpose. The goal oriented structure of college life used to give you that purpose, and now that it’s over you’re a bit lost.

Graduating from college used to mean the start of your career, but these days you’re basically just graduating from High School, Part II and you’re lucky just to get some shit job. Of course, not too long ago, the expectation also would have been that you immediately get married and start pumping out kids.

Either way, career and kids used to be the default sources of purpose for the middle class, but your generation’s post-collegiate experience no longer comes with that shit built-in.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sure, it may lead to your flavor of minor existential pre-life crisis, but there’s also a certain kind of freedom in being able to discover a purpose instead of having one handed to you by a set of sociological norms.

As for suggestions, just take your head out of your ass, look around, and find yourself a purpose.

Good luck.

I am constantly on the knife’s edge about giving my boyfriend oral. Should I? Shouldn’t I? I’ve never done it before. It feels silly when the question rolls around in my head, but the subject makes me scared, nervous, and slightly dirty. Society has portrayed it as an act that has instant gratification for the male (or female), and something that is reserved for those who are free with themselves, or those deeply in love.

It might be good to mention that I am not a sexual being. Or very outgoing. I don’t know what to do with myself, and sex makes me feel awkward. Not to mention I’ve never had an orgasm, which in part makes me feel obligated not to do it until he gets me there.

I guess I am just scared that I will not be respected as much. I’ve told myself I’ll wait until we’re more invested in each other, emotionally, and attached.

(This might read like I’m 16, but I’m not. Full 20 years.)

Scared, nervous, and slightly dirty are acceptable if not mildly annoying rookie emotions when it comes to your first blowjob, but all the anxiety about whether he’ll respect you as much is utter bullshit.

Quite frankly, I don’t respect you for thinking like that. It’s pathetic and weak.

Suck cock. Don’t suck cock. It’s entirely up to you. Either way, don’t ever allow yourself to be slut shamed, and sure as fuck don’t shame yourself.

On a separate note, your boyfriend isn’t responsible for your orgasm. You are.

Get your own damn self there.

But don’t you think that political officials should be held to a higher standard? They know when they take their jobs that their moves, personal and political, will be in the spotlight. The same goes for athletes, actors, etc. It’s practically part of the job description.

Fuck no. Only idiots hold athletes, actors, and politicians to a higher standard. That kind of thinking is what creates paparazzi and congressional hearings on major league baseball.

Having high standards is one thing, but holding anyone to a higher standard than you would hold yourself is a fundamental exercise in hypocrisy.

Talk me through this Weiner thing, Coke Talk. Why? Why? Whyyyyyy? He was our Lancelot.

Really? Lancelot fucked Guinevere behind King Arthur’s back. All the congressman did was tweet a few pics of his schwanz.

Sure, it’s a total dumb fuck thing to have done, but as far as beltway scandals go, it barely moves the needle on the political shitbag-o-meter.

Anthony Weiner is still one of the good guys. He may be a total asshole, but so what? He’s out there fighting the good fight and pissing off all the right people.

I haven’t lost an ounce of respect for the man, nor should anyone else who’s ever sent a down and dirty cell phone pic.

Let’s not be hypocrites, people.

Ok, I’m bisexual and I just can’t find the words to tell my mom. Almost everyone expects me to be gay, but they don’t quite know yet. I just feel uncomfortable not telling my family and I just simply can’t find the words to break it down and tell them. Should I fear about what they will say or do? If they don’t accept it should I feel disowned or bad with myself?

I’m sorry, but when did become your family’s business to know who all you’re fucking? You are not obligated to tell anyone about your sex life. It’s not about keeping secrets. It’s about personal fucking privacy. Do you expect your parents to give you dirty details about all the sex they’re having? Fuck no. Likewise, you should feel free to shut the fuck up about your sexuality.

It’s different if you’re in a loving relationship and you want to introduce that person to your folks, but until that day comes, chill the fuck out.

When has it ever been appropriate to say “tits” to a woman and even more so when she’s a young woman seeking advice on such a sensitive subject?

It’s appropriate right after you take that stick out of your ass, my dear.

(I love all my new readers from The Daily. They’re adorable.)

Sorry, Coquette! Although I agree with your advice, I believe you left an important point out: Everyone needs to take responsibility for their own actions.  What’s a senior in high school doing going out for dinner by herself with a staff member 15 years older than she anyway Poor judgment on her part.

Sorry, bitch! There’s no slut shaming allowed in my house. I’m all for personal responsibility, but how dare you infer that this poor girl should expect inappropriate behavior from male mentors?

Your kind of thinking is what leads to virginity tests by religious police.

The poor judgment is all yours.