I really like a guy and we’ve been dating for a few months but the sex is getting borderline painful because I’ll be turned on but then get super bored. What do I do. I haven’t orgasmed yet either even though he thinks I have. I feel like shit.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, USE YOUR WORDS. Talk with your sexual partners. Communicate.

The next time you’re in bed, start a conversation. It can be before you fuck, after you fuck, or while you’re fucking. It really doesn’t matter. Just pick your moment and say the words, “Hey, I wanna talk about how we fuck…” and then let it go from there.

Be frank, open, and honest about what you like, what you don’t like, what you need, and what gets you off. Find out the same things from him. Let it all come from a place of love and respect. Don’t take any of it too seriously, and don’t be afraid to laugh.

Also, don’t be afraid to get interactive. If talking only gets you part of the way, have a little show and tell. Literally demonstrate what it takes for you to orgasm. I swear, he won’t mind watching. While you’re at it, let him show you what he likes. You might learn a few tricks too.

Communication is the only way to turn bad sex into better sex and good sex into great sex. Go ahead. Talk. Be brave, loving, and respectful, and I promise you’ll be fine.

My husband killed himself four months ago. I’m trying to embrace the change. I really am. I’m going to therapy and a suicide bereavement group. I’m taking care of the finances and paperwork and bureaucratic bullshit. I’m talking to my friends. And I went on a date last week. And I really enjoyed it. Just dinner and conversation, but it felt so good. He asked if I wanted to get together again, and I said yes. The attention and the human connection felt really good. I was happy for the first time in a long time. The guy knows my situation. I’ve told him I’m not ready for a relationship, or even physical intimacy. Is this ok?

Yes. It’s okay.

It’s okay to enjoy yourself. It’s okay to go as slowly as you need. (Or as quickly, for that matter. It would be perfectly fine if physical intimacy was something that you needed.)

There’s no right or proper way to grieve, and the only wrong way is to fall into patterns of behavior that are harmful. You seem like you’ve got your shit together, though. Certainly as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Shit’s still fresh, though. You know that. This guy probably knows that too, so as long as he’s respectful of your boundaries and your grieving process, let this be whatever it needs to be.

Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Live your life.

He wants separate bedrooms once we move in together. He thinks it will prevent our relationship from falling victim to routine and boredom that slowly kills every long-term relationship and that separate bedrooms would help “keep the fire burning” by making us “miss each other”. Sex and intimacy as well as private space are important to us both so I understand what he’s afraid of but just the thought of this “solution” makes me feel rejected, unwanted and scared of potentially being treated instrumentally (come on, he wouldn’t bother to come over only to have a chat or give me a hug). I’ve told him this and given him alternatives but his idea of compromise is trying it at least for a while anyway. Is his way the way to go? Am I overreacting? I feel like I should recognize the superiority of his rationale and suppress my emotional needs because he’s older, more experienced and generally more “fixed” in his bachelor way of living… Should I?

Wait, what? You feel like you should recognize his superiority? You feel you should suppress your emotional needs? Fuck you. You should be ashamed of yourself for even typing that. Seriously, fuck you. You don’t even deserve my advice, but I’m so pissed at your manipulative piece of shit wannabe cult-leader of a boyfriend that I’m gonna throw you a bone.

Here’s my only advice: RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS. I’m dead serious. End the relationship immediately and walk straight into the nearest therapist’s office for some deprogramming. Try not to pass by any Scientology buildings on your way there.

Honestly, this whole situation has more red flags than the opening ceremony of the Chinese Olympics. Do you even hear yourself? An older “superior” man “fixed in his bachelor ways” tries to sell you on a roommate style living situation to “keep the fires burning,” and despite every fiber of your being screaming at you that this is all wrong, you feel compelled to follow along and “suppress your needs” because he’s “more experienced.”

Do you have any idea how creepy that all sounds? You’re basically agreeing to be a live-in fuck toy, unworthy of entering the master’s bedchamber unless you’re attending to his needs. Take a step back and realize how far you’ve strayed from your true self. Maybe you’ll start to notice how much you’re being exploited.

This selfish conniving manchild has managed to wash whatever brains you have, but there’s still some deep-down instinctual part of you that knows this is all wrong. It’s that tiny little voice in the back of your head that won’t stop bugging you, even though everything you’ve been trained to think says you’re overreacting. You are not overreacting. You’ve barely even begun to react.

Please, listen to that tiny voice. It’s on your side. It’s desperately clinging to your best interests, and one day it will save your life.

Please give me some words.

I am engaged to my partner of 5.5 years. When he asked me, I said yes because I was scared of what would happen to us if I said no again. (He asked me early in our relationship fyi and at that time, I said no).

He’s my best friend in the whole world and we have a good time together.

But I’m in emotional turmoil now. I have overwhelming feelings for a guy I work with (who is married). We went on a night out together and flirted outrageously all night.

I have all the signs of severe crushing; butterflies in my stomach when I see him, heart racing, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping etc.

I don’t want this to be something though. I love my fiancé and I want this to work. I’m scared I’m lying to myself about getting married. But on the other hand I’m scared of sacrificing our happiness for a stupid crush which will never amount to anything.

Help me please. I can’t talk to anyone about this and it’s eating me up.

Put your engagement on hold. Give your fiancé back the engagement ring. Tell him to hold on to it for you, just for a while, and that you will ask for it back when you are ready.

It will be a difficult conversation, but you need to do it. One of two things will happen. He will understand and agree and your relationship will continue, or it will precipitate the end of the relationship. (Whichever happens is what needs to happen.)

If it precipitates the end of the relationship, so be it. Let it end. It’s okay, and it was probably inevitable anyway.

Now, if he agrees to put the engagement on hold and keeps the ring for you, see how that feels. At first it will be a great relief, but sit with it for a while. Wait for the next set of emotions to reveal themselves. That’s when you’ll know what to do. In the meantime, don’t have an affair with your office crush. Trust me. Once you’re off the hook for the engagement, the work crush will spike for a hot minute but then it will suddenly begin to evaporate, because the crush itself is really just a manifestation of your anxiety about getting married.

I’m not saying the crush isn’t real. It is, but it’s also your subconscious’s way of screaming at you that you’re not ready to get married to your fiancé. Once the engagement pressure is off, the crush will no longer have a purpose to serve, and it will quickly seem frivolous. (Unless you indulge in it, in which case, you’ll be making a major fuck-up.)

Let me be clear. I’m not suggesting you put your engagement on hold because you have an office crush. I’m suggesting you put your engagement on hold because as much as you love him, you don’t want to be married to your fiancé (yet?). You’ve got so much denial and cognitive dissonance going on that the crush is really just a symptom of a brutal truth that you weren’t quite ready to face until right this moment.

You never answer, but I keep asking anyway. Maybe I’m a masochist.

I’m trying to find a new job since my company is pretty close to going under. I work for a small town company owned by a big corporation that only cares about the bottom line (of course they do! they’re a corporation.)

Right after they hired me, they fired the only other reporter. It’s just me and the editor now, and we do all the work. We only publish bi-weekly and it pays shit. I can’t afford rent and groceries and my student loans. So, I’m looking for something that I can support myself on. Only problem is, most jobs want you to start ASAP, and I can’t bear to leave my editor high and dry. If I leave before they find a replacement for me, the paper will literally be unable to function and my poor editor would be stuck doing everything by herself. She already does so much, I couldn’t leave her alone like that.

But I can’t stay in this position forever. What do I do? Do I just tell them that I’m looking for a new job? I don’t have a lot of experience, and I’m afraid that if I don’t get hired somewhere else, they’ll let me go because they know I don’t want to stay anyway.

Clearly you don’t have a lot of experience.

Let me tell you how this works. Keep your mouth fucking shut and go find the very best, highest paying job available to you and take it immediately.

Only tell your current employer after you’ve accepted the new position and have a firm start date. Give your employer as much notice as possible, but never let giving notice take precedence over a better opportunity.

Now, I’m sure your editor is a lovely person, but you owe her nothing except courtesy. You owe your paper absolutely nothing at all, and you owe that big corporation literally less than nothing.

The paper will be able to function without you. You are not irreplaceable. Not even a little bit. If you were irreplaceable, you could demand more money, but you can’t because you’re not. Never forget that. Even if what you’re saying is true and the paper couldn’t function without you while at least still paying you a living wage, then that means it’s a sinking ship, and you’d be an idiot not to jump off as soon as possible.

Oh, and yeah. You are definitely a masochist. Maybe even a little bit of a doormat. Loyalty is important, but if your employer doesn’t take care of you, then fuck taking care of them. (And if any of this sounds harsh, remember, you’re the one without any experience.)

If I frequently have chemistry with assholes, does that mean I’m probably an asshole?

Not necessarily, but it does mean something.

Do you frequently have chemistry with people you know up front to be assholes, or people who later turn out to be assholes? Those each mean something different.

If you frequently have chemistry with people you know up front to be assholes, that is to say, you are consciously attracted to them because they are assholes, that speaks to the environment in which you were raised. Specifically, your dad was probably an asshole. If you were raised by a single parent, then that parent was probably dating assholes around the time when you were 11 or 12 years old. Your family environment during that bridge from childhood to adolescence plays a tremendous role in your future relationship patterns. Take a hard look at how you were raised, and if you recognize any repeating maladaptive patterns, fuckin’ fix that shit before it ruins your life.

Now, if you frequently have chemistry with people who later turn out to be assholes, it could mean any number of things. Often it just means you’re a bad judge of character, but it could also mean that you’re a bit vindictive. (If everyone you date suddenly becomes an asshole the moment things end, that means you’re the problem.)

Of course, there’s always the chance that you have chemistry with assholes because you’re an asshole, but if you’re self-aware enough to know that you frequently have chemistry with assholes, you’re probably also self-aware enough to already know if you’re an asshole.

Whether you’re an asshole or not, if you frequently have chemistry with assholes, you gotta go deep and figure out why no matter what the reason, because I promise your life will be fucking miserable until you get that mess out of your system.

I’m afraid the career path I’m choosing will make me useless in the apocalypse. I’m afraid that going into software development will make me rich for a few years before the economy crashes again and I’ll be out of work and have an obsolete skill set. I’m afraid all the software jobs will be moved to India and by the time I graduate in 4-5 years, there won’t be any jobs here. I was going to be a nurse and work for MSF but I have PTSD and a weak stomach. I’m too much of a wimp to go into trades, and I’m not put together enough to do anything with my Psych degree that would make me happy. Should I just find a job to pay the bills and get on with my life? I don’t know what to do, Coquette.

Software development isn’t going to make you rich. That shit’s a trade just like everything else. In fact, you’re never going to get rich, because you only think in terms of occupational skill sets. In other words, you think like an employee.

No one who thinks like an employee ever gets rich. At best, employees get to live comfortably. You know who gets rich? Employers, and you don’t think like an employer. You don’t even know how.

The people who are gonna get rich are all the freshly minted entrepreneurial assholes in the top-tier MBA programs who are gonna hire the graduates of your software development program. They’re the ones being trained to think like employers, and they’re the ones who’ll be signing your paychecks for the rest of your life.

Oh, and yes. You’re right. If your job is even the tiniest bit outsourceable, that shit is going straight to India, and long before you graduate. So yeah, you’re a little bit fucked, because it doesn’t even sound like you enjoy software development. At least that might have justified your decision.

I can’t tell you what to do with your life, but one way or another, you’re eventually gonna have to find a job and pay your bills. That’s how you’ve been programmed, and that’s what you’ll have to do. You’re never going to be rich, but you might be able to live comfortably, so adjust your expectations accordingly.

If I were in your position, I’d look for a field with long-term job security that isn’t outsourceable. (Nursing was actually a pretty good call, and you don’t have to go all MSF to make that kind of profession rewarding.)

We’re 3 years in, long distance for half of it, we got through it, and I moved in four months ago. Our relationship is loving, respectful, fun, adventurous, silly. However, he’s recently had trouble keeping it up, and when we talked about it he seemed confused and frustrated. We both want to fuck more, but he said he’s nervous about disappointing me and he’s stuck in a negative feedback loop with himself. I’ve tried to stay positive and patient, but it’s also been awhile since sex has been good. In case it makes a difference, we’re both healthy, athletic and attracted to each other.

Is 30 too young for ED? Should he go to the doctor, or is it time for us to invest in some toys?

Well, any time is a good time to invest in some toys. Have at it.

As for your boyfriend the noodle stabber, he should absolutely go to the doctor. It’s good that you’re both healthy and athletic, but erectile dysfunction is still a pretty significant physical symptom for a thirty year old. At the very least, the doctor can throw some Cialis at the problem, and that alone might be enough to reverse the negative feedback loop.

Now, I hate to speculate, but there’s also the distinct possibility that your boyfriend’s secret porn habits have become problematic. Shit happens all the time. Dudes spank it just a little too much a little too often to porn that’s a little too hardcore, and suddenly they’re just a little too desensitized to the real thing. Thus begins the aforementioned negative feedback loop featuring sex with the sad trombone sound followed by a bruised male ego and even more secret porn.

It sucks if I’m right about this, but at the same time, I’d bet a thousand dollars cash money that if your boyfriend went for a solid week without any internet porn, he’d be able to stay solid for you the entire weekend.

Of course, there’s no easy way to broach the topic of your boyfriend’s porn habits, and getting him to commit to a porn diet would be even trickier, but it may well be worth bringing up, especially considering how common this is. (There are entire support groups dedicated just to this problem.)

One thing’s for sure, this ain’t gonna fix itself. You’re gonna have to actually do something. Action is required.

Best of luck to you and your boyfriend’s boner.

How do you know when to control your emotion versus just feel them? I know you’ve mentioned both, but they almost sound like contradictory methods of coping…?

If an emotion has come into awareness and you’re already feeling it, it’s too late to control it in the sense that I mean control.

Feelings you have to manage and process. They’ve already bubbled up from your unconscious mind, and unless we’re talking about particularly dark and dangerous shit, it’s almost always better just to feel your feelings and then move on.

When I talk about controlling your emotions, I’m talking about a certain level of unconscious (or perhaps a better term would be preconscious) control. It’s about finding yourself in a mental and physical state where negative emotions don’t bubble up in the first place. It requires a fair bit of self-knowledge, self-control, and self-discipline. It has to be practiced. That’s why it’s so difficult to do.

There are all kinds of ways to practice what I’m talking about — mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, autogenic training, autohypnosis, breathing exercises, yoga, all the various flavors of meditation, and so on, and so on.

Feel free to google any of that stuff if it interests you, but don’t expect any magic tricks. None of it’s easy.

I had a one night stand with a co-worker after the company Holiday party. I always thought he was cute and I was very drunk. He came back to my place and at first it was just about the sex but then we ended up having an amazing conversation and connection.

During our conversation, he was honest with me that he was casually dating someone else. We have moved on past that night, chalked it up to having a great connection and have become friends. We’ve started hanging out weekly. He is now in a full fledged relationship with the other girl and I am casually dating.

Here’s the problem: I’ve developed feelings for him and I don’t know how to proceed. We have so much fun together and I want to continue spending time together. Also, he’s now in an exclusive relationship and the timing clearly isn’t right.

Can these types of feelings just be repressed? I’m guessing it’s just a crush. The thing is, I haven’t had feelings for someone like this in a while and it’s scaring the hell out of me.

Fuuuck. This question hit me hard. You and I are in the exact same situation. I mean, right down to the scary details.

I don’t know if you follow my personal blog or my twitter, but I also had a holiday one-nighter with my colleague crush who is now in a full fledged relationship while I’m stuck casually dating.

We hang out professionally, and we still have a connection, and I love every minute we spend together right up until the moment I’m reminded that I’m not the one who got picked.

I’m not even crushing anymore and it’s still fucking brutal sometimes. I get those pangs. I know how you feel, but there’s nothing to do except let it wash over you and curse the gods of shitty timing.

If you’re worried that you might be falling for this guy, you probably shouldn’t repress those feelings. You can try to control your emotions a bit, but that kind of thing takes a lot of practice and is really hard to do. There is no magic trick to this stuff. Sometimes you just gotta let yourself fall a little helplessly.

I wish I had a better answer for you. I wish I could tell you this wasn’t going to hurt, but it will. It really fucking will.