Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On keeping your conscience.

I wish I was a sociopath. Every day, something happens in my life that makes me feel guilt or shame…and most of the time they’re small things like accidentally stepping on someone’s foot after losing balance in the subway. But they follow me around all day, it’s so obnoxious! Afterwards, I always wish that I could somehow throw my conscience out the window while still having an idea of what is and is not socially acceptable. Do you happen to know any ways to dissolve one’s concience/ unleash the inner sociopath?

You’re asking to give up your soul in exchange for a spine. That’s some neo-Faustian bullshit right there. What a horrible and tragic idea. Dissolving your conscience is no path to happiness, and I’m afraid you’ve grossly misinterpreted what it means to have antisocial personality disorder.

The excessive guilt you feel isn’t a product of an overly active conscience. It’s a product of an underdeveloped self image.

You’re asking to become an evil shell of a human being when really all you need is a few friendly lessons in not giving a fuck. Adjust your knobs. Turn down the remorse. Turn up the temerity. Leave your conscience right where it is.

It’s perfectly fine to feel momentary guilt for stepping on someone’s foot, but have enough faith in yourself to know that a quick smile and an “Oops, sorry!” is all that’s required to restore the karmic balance.

Someone should have told you this before now, but you have just as much right to make your way through the world as everyone else.

You are an equal to all around you.

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Advice

On tanning while pregnant.

Should I go indoor tanning while pregnant, or will that harm the baby?

Wow. Really? It’s a tanning bed, not a microwave.

Also, if you thought there was an actual risk to your baby, wouldn’t this be the kind of stupid question you should ask your doctor instead of some party girl on the internet? You have a doctor, right?

Ugh. Fifty bucks says you’ve already referred to your fetus as Snooki.

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Advice

On self-realization.

Do you feel like a strong and self-realized man could still be against open relationships? Or is that by definition impossible to you?

Chill out, vanilla bean. Don’t get all snippy because you’re on team monogamy.

Self-realization isn’t about a particular belief system. It’s about being in tune with who you are. It’s about a certain awareness and fulfillment of character.

All I said was that it takes a strong, self-realized man to handle an open relationship, and it does. That in no way implies that self-realization is exclusive to folks in open relationships.

A strong, self-realized man could very easily be against open relationships for himself, but unless it was his true nature to be a total asshole, he still wouldn’t be against open relationships for others.

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Advice

On the perils of an open marriage.

My husband and I wanted to try and open our relationship.  We were fine for a bit, but now he seems really jealous.  He doesn’t want to be open anymore which is fine. He can’t seem to get over my having sex with other men. He says its different for men then women. He can no longer look at me the same. Any ideas on how to fix this?

Which part do you want fixed, your marriage or the double standard?

Either way, you’re gonna have to lay down some tough love, because your husband is acting like a spoiled little bitch.

He’s perfectly happy sticking his dick in another man’s wife, but the sight of you getting a good pounding from another dude sends him into fits of infantile, hyper-possessive jealousy. Ugh. There’s one like him at every party.

For the record, it is not different for men than women. Swinging is a two way street. He only says that bullshit because he’s weak and unevolved, and you know what? Fuck him for saying it in the first place.

Also, it’s not you that he sees differently. It’s his own manhood. His ego has been wounded, and as pathetic as this sounds, you’re gonna have to either stroke it until it heals or smack it until it toughens up.

It takes a strong, self-realized man to handle an open relationship. You don’t have one of those. Yet.

Good luck dragging his ass into enlightenment.

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Advice

On sex and molly.

I am planning on taking Molly with my boyfriend this weekend, and I wanted to ask your thoughts on sex while rolling. I’ve heard the rumor that once you have sex on it, you don’t desire sex when you’re not rolling because it’s so amazing. So, my question is, if I fuck while rolling, will I still be able to enjoy sober sex as much as I do now?

You capitalized Molly, which at first glance implied that you and your boyfriend were going to kidnap and have your way with some poor girl named Molly.

This struck me as particularly funny, because as many of you know, there is a Molly triumvirate out there in the tumbleverse made up of Molly Young, Molly McAleer, and Molly Lambert. Follow them immediately if you don’t already.

What struck me as funny was how each of them in their own unique voice would react and then write about a literal interpretation of the above scenario where they were the Molly in question. So yeah, that’s how my mind works. I have a fucked up sense of humor sometimes.

Anyways, when you’re referring to ecstasy as molly, don’t capitalize it.

Also, don’t listen to dumb rumors. Sex is sex. You’ll still love it just as much sober, I promise. The only grain of truth to that rumor is that in the day or two after you party on ecstasy, your brain is depleted of serotonin. You may or may not experience what’s known as an ecstasy crash where you feel kinda shitty and depressed. If that happens, you won’t feel like fucking in the first place. It’s no big deal. It passes.

As for sex on ecstasy, I’ll repeat what I’ve already said:

Ecstasy is a sensual drug, not a sexual drug. By itself, it has a tendency to delay orgasm in women, and it makes it damn near impossible for guys to get it up. You can make out all night like teenagers in love, but there won’t be much fucking if you don’t plan ahead.

If you know you want to fuck, the trick is have your man pop a viagra when he drops the ecstacy. That’s a recipe for mind-blowing all-night-long sex. Just be sure to stay hydrated, and use plenty of lube.

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Advice

On at-will employment.

I know this may sound silly, but Halloween has been my favorite holiday since I was a child and is still important to me. I work in the food industry and thinking ahead, I filled out a time off request form for my work and turned it in the week of August 17. I thought that given my forethought and consideration for my employer and boss, I would definitely have the day off, and I didn’t hear otherwise so I even began to plan my costume. To my surprise, I was greeted today (about two weeks later) with a huge sign on my boss’s door saying, “don’t bother requesting Halloween off, all requests will be denied.” I would like to know if this is legal and if I have any rights as an employee. I’m more than willing to suck it up if they are doing things correctly, but if not, I’d like to at least try and talk to my boss about this situation with some reassurance that they don’t have the authority to ban day off requests.

I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you’re not in a union or under contract, in which case, sure, you have plenty of rights as an at-will employee. For instance, you have the right to to quit, strike, or otherwise cease work if you’d rather go party on Halloween.

Your boss has plenty of rights too. Whether you show up on Halloween or not, he can shit-can your ass for good cause, for bad cause, or for no goddamned cause at all.

As long as your employer is paying you the minimum wage, he can do pretty much whatever he wants short of violating your civil rights or trying to fuck you.

Sorry, but the only leverage you’ve got here is your degree of irreplaceability, and in this economy, I guarantee you that ain’t much.

If you’re not willing to quit, then all you can do is say please. Good luck with that, and I hope your Halloween costume comes with kneepads.

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Advice

On being a female player

How do you be a female player while maintaining your integrity and not becoming a “ho”? I’m a single young female with a great job, I’m disgusted by my boring friends who give up their own lives to be with their lame boyfriends, and I want to prove that there’s an alternative. If you could give specifics that would be most helpful.

You don’t need me to tell you how to maintain your integrity. You have a conscience for that. Listen to it.

Have standards. Have your own moral code. Be true to it, and you’ll be fine.

Also, don’t have anything to prove. Your lifestyle isn’t an alternative to anyone else’s. It’s what works for you. If you don’t want friends to judge your promiscuity, then don’t judge their boring lives with lame boyfriends.

Live and let live. Fuck and let fuck.

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Advice

On cautionary tales.

I was around for the 80s wave of cocaine fun. It fucked up more people in my personal circle of acquaintances than any other drug. When I say, “fucked up” I mean: driven to suicidal despair because they couldn’t kick. So, they committed suicide. This, unfortunately,  happened more than once as you will no doubt deduce from the use of the third person plural. I also mean: death by overdose. I also mean: careers and lives ruined, as well as collateral damage on an operatic scale.

I know ex-junkies of various stripes, including booze, heroin, and cigarettes. The heroin kickers, in my experience, often make it through, along with the others.

I don’t know any ex-coke heads. They all died.

Now, I’ve done some white lines, and was able to draw some lines. So yeah, you can be all “Trotsky did it, and Freud did it” (along with a lot of other annoying, teeth-grinding egomaniacs). Many of them survived, and perhaps enjoyed some especially wonderful insights and very deeply satisfying sex.

But to be so cavalier and defensive about raising the issues of its dangers is beneath the general level of intelligence you offer up here (often accompanied by your rebranded Dr. Laura  tough talk. (Seriously, are you Jewish, or what?)

I find your touchiness about marital infidelity quaint and charmingly Victorian; I guess that same Victorianism applies to your attitude about cocaine as well.

You find me quaint and charmingly Victorian? Wow. That’s about the nicest way anyone has ever come off as a condescending prick. Normally, I’m one to respect my elders, but I don’t appreciate being compared to Dr. Laura, so if you wouldn’t mind, please go fuck yourself.

That being said, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s the same now as it was in the eighties. The chaos you describe is the hallmark of drug abuse in any decade, and it’s brutal shit. Still, drug use is not the same as drug abuse. I’ve always been clear about the distinction, and when it comes to addiction, you’ll never catch me being cavalier.

Also, I’m gonna call bullshit on you not knowing any ex-coke heads. I appreciate your dramatic flair, but who are we fucking kidding? Pretty much everyone you know from that era technically qualifies, yourself included.

Oh, and in all seriousness, I’m very sorry to hear about the people in your life who didn’t make it. I know how horrible it feels to bury someone who died too young, and I’ve seen the kind of havoc suicide wreaks on a circle of friends.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to write me back about your mid life crisis.

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Advice

On disclaimers.

This is absolutely ludicrous. Coke isn’t just a safe petty play drug and you essentially telling people that it’s “OK” to do is ridiculous. Cocaine just isn’t a drug to fuck around with, you’re playing with fire and while you may think you’re in control chances are you can lose control REAL fast. I’m not usually a crusader for shit like this, but seriously?

No, you’re right. I totally forgot to put a warning label on that last post, because that’s what our culture needs, more bullshit disclaimers written by cowards on behalf of retards that state the blatantly obvious.

Hey kids, listen up! Cocaine is dangerous, coffee is hot, and cigarettes are bad for you. There, now the world is a safer place.

Fucking pussy.

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Advice

On cocaine and self control.

How do you manage to exercise so much self-control when it comes to cocaine? Is there a regime you follow or something? I’m not trying to make it sound like a cocaine diet or anything, I just want to know what you do in order to keep the coke in control? Not use it a few days in a row, or what? Gimme some pointers. I’m new to the world of cocaine but I really want to be a part of it; I’m just unsure how to go about it, so it would be great if you could lay some wisdom on me.

Is there a regime I follow? A cocaine diet? You want me to get alltips-and-tricks up in this bitch? Hilarious. I guess I should just embrace the fact that I’ve become the Marie Claire for deviants. Here are some fucking pointers:

1. Never party with it by yourself.
2. Never party with it on the job.
3. Never party with it on camera.
4. Never party with it around people you don’t trust.
5. Never party with it for more than three days in a row.
6. Never party with it on more than three occasions per month.

Also, as a general rule, whenever you’re in a party environment, give yourself a regular hip check by asking the following question: “If the drugs weren’t here right now, would I still want to be in this room?”

The second you find yourself answering no, get the fuck out.

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