I used to masturbate to porn pretty regularly, but I’ve recently been making an effort to stop because of the extreme feelings my long-distance girlfriend harbors about my looking at other women.  I’m having some trouble totally kicking the habit, though, and it sucks that a few minutes of horniness and no girlfriend nearby can lead to an hour or two of having to listen to her get upset—and pretty angry, depending on her mood.  (I usually figure that if I can’t keep from looking at porn, I at least owe her the honesty of telling her that I did.)

What do you think?  Do I just need to do a little more thinking with the upstairs head, or do you think she’s not giving me enough credit for genuinely trying here?   Do you have any miracle solution that’ll make this easier?  I need some coke-fueled wisdom, here.

This is a joke, right? You’re not really so emasculated that you confess to your nagging long distance girlfriend every time you jerk off to a little porn. Tell me this is a joke.

Come on, man. You don’t deserve credit for genuinely trying. You deserve a smack in the head for putting up with her shit in the first place.

You want a miracle solution? Here’s an idea. Don’t sign up for a long distance relationship with a ball busting cunt who’s so insanely hypervigilant that she refuses you the privilege of a pornography assisted spank session.

Too late for that, you say? Well then, maybe you should grow a pair of fucking balls. Tell the bitch that you’ll jerk off to whatever you damn well please, and if she doesn’t like it, she can fuck off. If it offends her delicate sensibilities so much that it ends the relationship, consider yourself lucky.

I don’t care what Dr. Phil says, masturbating to pornography doesn’t qualify as infidelity. In this context, porn is just another tool to get the job done. It would be like you getting all pissed off at her for using a vibrator. It’s not cheating. Don’t let her tell you otherwise.

Of course, that’s when she’ll pull the gender card and fall back on the argument that pornography is degrading to women. She’ll cross her arms and say, “I simply won’t stand for it.”

When she says this, what she really means is, “I am a hypocrite who is terrified of raw sexuality, and I prefer my degradation in easy-to-swallow form such as women’s magazines and Lifetime miniseries, so instead owning up to my petty jealousies, I’m gonna cram this unreasonable ultimatum down your throat.”

It’s all bullshit. The simple fact of the matter is that she’s threatened by other women to such an insane degree that she’s punishing you for thought crimes. I’d say it’s Orwellian, but even he had the good sense to include porn in 1984.

Seriously, you don’t have to stand for this.

Do you ever get questions that are a little less shallow? Before I explain what I mean I just want to say that I’m not a hater. In fact, this is probably my favorite blog to read.

But sometimes it gets a little repetitive. Dumb people in relationships and dumb people who don’t know how to have sex. That’s about it, over and over again.

I mean, if that’s all you ever get then cool. I’m not saying I don’t read and enjoy them. I just wonder if you ever get more interesting questions, and if so, why aren’t you answering those too?

Sorry to let you down there, Gore Vidal, but this is an advice column on the internet written by a coked up party girl in Hollywood. Not too many semiotics professors are writing in with questions about post-structuralist theories of language.

I get what you’re saying, though. You recognize my potential, but you think I’m frittering away my talents in the company of morons. (You and my mother should have coffee sometime.)

Don’t worry, you’re not hurting my feelings with words like shallow and repetitive. You could add frivolous and trivial to the list and I wouldn’t disagree. Hell, I know better than to take myself seriously. What I do here may be unfiltered, but it’s still cooked up from the same basic ingredients as the rest of pop culture.

I work with what people give me. This is a cut-and-paste operation, and I don’t make any of this shit up. I gotta be honest with my process, and as much as we’d both like it, I don’t think the grade-level of these questions is ever going up.

In the immortal words of the philosopher Popeye, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”

Thanks for reading.

First, I’m going to say what everyone says: you’re great and I need an honest opinion, no holds barred. I was in a very long term relationship that ended a couple years ago. I’ve never been much of a dater – I’m one of those annoying people who just sort of fell into relationships when I was younger. However, I’ve been trying my best to get myself out there and meet guys, which seems so fucking impossible in New York (totally cliche, I know, but it’s true).

My real problem is that I’ve met a few guys that I’ve had a good few months with and then they start the disappearing act. You know, less frequent phone calls/texts, distancing themselves, and behaving badly. In some cases, they’ve ended it, in others I have, but always because of their actions. They’ve all been fairly normal, good guys. I’m a smart, fun, good-looking laid-back woman and I don’t see what the deal is.

For the sake of full disclosure (because I want the most honest opinion from you), I’ve slept with all of these guys within the first couple weeks (which I don’t think is a bad thing) and I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. If a guy shows a serious interest in me and I like him, I don’t play hard-to-get. I’m usually very up-front and I don’t like game playing to get the “upper-hand.”Is this bad? Are these guys thinking I’m too available?

Am I just having a run of bad luck? Should I re-evaluate my judgment on the men I’m choosing? Or should I just stop “giving away the milk for free?”

D. None of the above.

Your real problem is that you think you have a problem. You’re not experiencing bad luck, you don’t need to re-evaluate your judgment, and you’re not a fucking dairy cow.

Perhaps you should start questioning the underlying notion that you exist in a binary state of either couplehood or singlehood, and that the former is somehow superior to the latter.

After all, you’re the type who “just sort of falls into relationships.” It seems like you’re long past due for some introspection into why you even bother.

Why are you looking for a man? Do you need a man to feel safe? Happy? Fulfilled? Do you want a best friend? A partner in crime? Someone to pay the bills? Do you want kids? Come on, why are you even out there dating? Let me guess, because that’s just what you’re supposed to do.

You have no idea why you’re out there engaging in the courtship ritual. All you’ve got is some nebulous set of external relationship guidelines that you’ve pulled from popular culture and whatever your mother taught you. None of it is relevant to your core self, because you haven’t take the time to reflect on what it is you want out of a relationship.

Now is as good a time as any to start figuring it out. The cool thing is, there’s no wrong answer here. Just be honest with yourself. What do you want?

Not to get all Cheshire Cat up in this bitch, but until you know where you want to go, you’re wasting your time wondering why you’re lost.

i’ve been dating a girl for about six months now. we basically live together, the sex is great, and i generally enjoy her company. Thing is, we never really had that “talk” that most relationships i’ve been in have started with. you know, the adult version of “wanna go steady.” We’ve talked about not having it, though, and both of us are kind of more comfortable without it.

She’s a gigantic flirt and a true-blue hustler of menfolk everywhere; she works (i mean like once a month) as a dancer, so she’s got regular customers that come into town and take her to dinner, you know the deal. whatever we have would definitely not work if i were the jealous type. i’m comfortable enough with the situation that it doesn’t make me crazy when she spends time with other men; it’s her bread and butter, she was doing it before i came around, and i know that she’s gonna be sleeping in my bed. And she says she appreciates the fact that i’m “the only boy who can tell her no.”

Thing is: lately she’s seemed way more attached to me than usual; i’ll be writing something and she’ll come sit facing me and just stare, or slooooowwwwlly kiss my cheek, or say “i love you” in a really tiny voice (we both crossed the ‘iloveyou’ bridge a while ago. thank you, ecstasy.)

it’s not that i’m looking to sleep with anyone else, but i don’t think i’m ready to be needed this much. i’d imagine that the time for the “talk” is nigh, but i’m not sure how to communicate my side of things without sounding… mean? heartless?

i’ve been “there for her” through a bunch of different problems, and i’d like the relationship to stay the same — casual and fun and supportive. but i don’t want to get any further down Serious Street.

what’s a guy to do?

Mean? Heartless? No, no, no. The word you were looking for is childish.

Not ready to be needed this much? Dude. Don’t flatter yourself. You’ve got one of the cool ones on your arm. Good for you, but don’t let it go to your head.

You may have learned how to grab a tiger by the tail, but that doesn’t mean she’s tame. If you show her weakness or disrespect, she will still eat you alive.

Listen up. Casual, fun and supportive isn’t a stage in a relationship, it’s a style of relationship. You guys could buy a house on the other side of Serious Street to raise a fucking family and your relationship would still be casual, fun, and supportive.

We all know what your real problem is. Deep down, you think you’re too good for her. She’s great for right now, but a whiny little voice in the back of your head keeps saying shit like, “the mother of your children can’t be a stripper.”

That, my friend, is the real problem. You know it, I know it, and don’t think for a second she doesn’t know it.

If there’s anything you need to do here it’s silence that little voice. Thing is, it probably sounds like your mother, so that’s a whole year’s worth of therapy right there.

That voice is wrong. It’s poison. It’s going to prevent you from being true to yourself, and it’s going to keep you thinking like a boy instead of a man.

Trust me on this. I’m sure in all other ways you’ve made a smooth transition into manhood, but this last little thing is holding you back.

You’re an open-minded guy who doesn’t get jealous. Good for you. You’ve lucked into a fantastic relationship with a strong, wild woman. Good for you. Don’t fuck it all up by making this about her “needing” you too much. This is your confusion, not hers.

What exactly do you classify as cheating?

Willfully participating or conspiring to participate in an act of intimacy with the foreknowledge that your partner would reasonably consider that act to be a breach of the mutually understood and agreed upon terms of the relationship.

I’d really like to know your opinions on abortion.

Personally, I am very pro choice. I think the government and psychotic evangelical christians should keep their laws and opinions off womens bodies.

It frustrates me to no end thinking of how mind-warped and controlling these people are.

I feel that partial birth abortions and having the procedure after a certain amount of time is wrong and very harmful, however i do not feel that a zygote has a brain and soul…

Making the decision to have an abortion is one no woman should ever have to make but i’m thankful that if we do, we can. we can get all the care and counseling we need.

Pro-choice? Fuck that. I’m pro-abortion.

Sure, women should always have the right to choose. That’s a given. For most pro-choice people, that’s enough. Not me. I go further.

I don’t stop at just making the shit legal. I want it to be free, safe, and readily available. And not just abortions. All family planning services. I want school nurses handing out morning-after pills like they were Skittles. Hell, I wish they’d start putting Yaz in the Diet Coke.

Seriously, whatever it takes to stop every last unwanted pregnancy, and maybe even a few of the “wanted” ones. (I’m looking at you, Bristol Palin.)

first of all, i love this blog. you are absolutely the slap in the face that everyone needs, and i mean that in the best possible way. on that note, slap me in the face. i have a very frustrating tendency to write men off for no specific reason. i enjoy the chase, but once they start actually paying attention to me i get freaked out. they say nice things and i don’t smile, i roll my eyes. they want to see me and i don’t reciprocate, i’m “being smothered”. etc. etc. i know it’s not normal, and i’m aware that i’m doing it, but i can’t seem to stop. it’s cost me a couple of potentially-great relationships. i’m trying to just suck it up and get over it, but i feel like i always look for (and manage to find) something that will talk me out of being with basically anyone. any words of advice?

Nope. You’re fucked.

You’ve got Prince Charming disease. It’s a combination of attention deficit disorder, low grade narcissism, a youthful expectation of romantic perfection, and a healthy dose of self-esteem issues on your part.

I can’t talk you out of this kind of immaturity. You’ve got to battle this one on your own. The good news is that at least you’re self aware. That’s the first step.

Next, you need to realize in your heart of hearts that you are worthy of actual love. That will help dampen the fight-or-flight response that kicks in when a man shows you genuine affection.

Finally, you need to plow through enough guys to realize that they’re all basically the same. That way, when you find a good one, not only will you be able to spot him, but you’ll also be comfortable in the knowledge that nothing better is waiting around the corner on a white horse.

Consider yourself slapped.

Best of luck.

“If you don’t want to get used, then be present in the relationship and accept personal responsibility for the decisions you make with your own body. Do that, and he won’t be able to use you. At worst, all he’ll be able to do is lie to you.”

Can you just explain that a bit more? I love it, but I’m having a hard time grasping it in those words.

I mean… I understand not letting yourself be used to an extent, but what if you’re not even aware of it? Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’d just like more of an explanation.

Whenever I hear a girl complain of being used by a guy, I instantly lose respect for her. It’s evidence of a victim mentality, one of the most unattractive traits anyone can have.

“He never really liked me,” she’ll whine. “He never really wanted to be with me. All he really wanted me for was sex.”

That kind of shit drives me crazy.

What she’s actually saying is that she entered into an unspoken contract where she would provide him with access to her vagina in exchange for some combination of affectionate attention and emotional security. He then failed to deliver on that unspoken contract, and now she’s pissed.

All I hear is a prostitute complaining that she didn’t get paid, and you know what? Tough shit. If you’re going to be a prostitute, the first rule is always get the money up front.

That’s what this all comes down to, really — girls who don’t know any better because they’re raised to think that sex is a barter currency in their romantic relationships.

Fuck that. If you insist on treating your pussy like a commodity, then you’re an idiot if you trade it for anything but cash.

It’s your body, and it’s your relationship. Do what you want with both, but be adult enough to accept personal responsibility for the decisions you make.

An unspoken contract is no contract at all. A man doesn’t owe you anything for sleeping with you. If he does, accept your role as a prostitute, and recognize that you’re kind of an idiot for expecting payment in affectionate attention and emotional security.

Now, here’s the part that always blows my mind. Some of you reading this right now are saying to yourselves, “I’m no prostitute, but how am I supposed to get affectionate attention and emotional security from a guy without fucking him?”

If that’s you, go sit in the corner. You don’t get to play anymore.

The rest of you probably get my point, even if you think it’s a bit unsavory. It boils down to this: if you don’t want to get used for sex, get the money up front, or don’t expect payment at all.

All I’m saying is that sex shouldn’t be treated like a commodity in traditional romantic relationships. Once you’ve internalized this notion and really put it into practice, then you’ll find it impossible for a man to use you for sex.

He can lie to you. He can deceive you. He can be a total douchebag asshole, but he can never use you.

What’s your take on revenge? I have so many stories to offer I won’t even pick one, but just hope you’ll tell me how you’ve dealt with scratching that itch to get back at someone, for whatever reason.

Revenge is like driving drunk: it’s always a bad idea, you have to be extra careful when you’re doing it, and if you get caught it’ll never have been worth it.

Also, if you happen to pull it off, it’s not something you should ever brag about.

With that in mind, let me just say that hypothetically, if you were never a sleazy, bigoted dickbag of a backwoods cop who abused his authority and fucked with the wrong girl, then you probably wouldn’t have had a constant stream of gay porn subscriptions paid in your name via money order that were mailed to both your home address and in care of your commanding officer at work.

Just sayin’, hypothetically.

Hello Dear Coke Talk, I have been following you since before you created a seperate tumblr, and I enjoy the cut-throat advice and wisdom you provide, and the aid you have given me indirectly through this blog.

But, I have a question/comment for you. In some of your posts you speak very negatively of religion. You’ve touched on the close mindedness of Christians.

My question for you is this, isn’t kind of close minded to lump and entire group of people like that? I am a Christian, but I don’t think less of people based on their own religious beliefs or who they go to bed with at night.

I’m not trying to show you that every Christian has an open mind. You and I both know that a majority of people in the Christian faith are what you assume them to be. Heck, I even assume them to be close minded.

What I am getting at is that there are Christians out there who are open-minded. Not all of us are alike.

Sure. Not all of you are alike, but what every practicing Christian has in common is enough for me to lump you all together and think less of you.

I don’t have to respect your beliefs. Respect is earned, sweetie.

That’s not close minded of me, by the way. I’m educated in comparative religion. I have the Bible, the Qur’an, the Bhagavad Gita, and the Tao Te Ching all next to one another on one of my bookshelves. Can you say that?

I doubt you’ve even taken the time to critically examine your own religion’s sacred texts beyond whatever Sunday school fantasy-adventure ride you were strapped down for as a child. Even if you have, you still identify as a believer, and all that tells me is that you aren’t enough of a rational thinker to separate myth from reality.

Listen, I get that you’re asking me for a Christian hall pass. You want me to wink and nod and tell you that you’re one of the good ones because you don’t think less of me for my lifestyle. Well, no. It doesn’t work like that.

You’re not doing me any favors by not condemning me. That sentiment isn’t an expression of open-mindedness. It’s an expression of tolerance, and you know what? Fuck your tolerance. I don’t need it.

You have a holier-than-thou attitude. Literally. Do you understand how condescending it is to be tolerated by someone like you? I don’t owe you respect just because you smile and pretend to show me some.

Part of the problem here is that you’re missing the point about what it means to be open minded. As a Christian, you’ve co-opted a set of canned answers to life’s greatest mysteries. It’s bullshit.

You don’t know any more about the nature of the universe than I do. All you’ve done is surrendered your rational thought to an ancient cult in exchange for peace of mind. That is inherently close minded.

Right now, all you’ve got is the potential for an open mind. Start asking questions. Examine your religion with a critical mind. Stop fearing the unknowable. Open yourself up to all possibilities and never surrender your rational thought.

Hopefully, you’ll stop being afraid of the insignificance of your life and the inevitability of your death, and you won’t need an imaginary friend in the sky to tell you everything will be all right.