Dear Coquette,

My best friend is dating my crush. How do I deal with it?
Un-crush, or disaster will follow.

How can you tell the difference between bad timing and a jerk?
If it’s obvious to you that it’s bad timing, then that’s probably what it is. If he’s trying to convince you that it’s bad timing, then he’s probably a jerk.

What’s your opinion on Rihanna collaborating with Chris Brown?
Just gonna stand there and watch her burn. That’s all right, because she likes the way it hurts.

I cried at work yesterday. Now I feel like a pansy. Help?
No one cares. Get over yourself.

What if everybody could have sex with anyone at any given time? What do you think would happen?
You still wouldn’t get laid.

Coquette, have you reached Samādhi?
No, but I love Indian food.

What do you think about Obamacare?
I think it’s a reductive ad hominem label for complex health care legislation. It’s just branding that encourages idiots to reflexively polarize on what should otherwise be a complicated sociopolitical debate.

What’s the difference between being lovers and being “friends with benefits?”
One is a tragedy that makes you laugh. The other is a comedy that makes you cry.

Why do the Catholic bishops and Rick Santorum hate (or fear) sex so much?
They don’t hate or fear sex. They merely want to control sex, and what they hate and fear is anything that threatens that control, because without it, the patriarchy crumbles.

If a member of the opposite sex with whom you’re kind of friends asks you to go with him to a party, how can you know whether it’s a date or just two people attending a thing together because they’re kind of friends?
You do realize that you’re the one who gets to decide whether it’s a date, right? Yep, it’s completely up to you. (Relax, you can change your mind at any point throughout the evening.)

Should I use all my savings on heading to Antibes to try get a job on a super yacht, or should I stay in Melbourne, develop my professional career and explore new love with someone even my cynical, feminist mother thinks is worth putting my travel plans on hold for? WWCQD?
It depends. If you’re 20 years old with $2,000 in savings, go to Antibes. If you’re 30 years old with $20,000 in savings, stay in Melbourne. If you’re 25 years old with $10,000 in savings, flip a coin.

I keep dating men who are emotionally unavailable. Why do I keep doing this? What can I do to stop this cycle?
This is not a cycle. This is just a pattern of behavior. Your behavior. You are the common thread in all your relationships. I don’t know why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men, but if you really wanted to stop doing it, you would stop. Yes, it’s that simple.

Dear Coquette,

Are there such things as absolutes, or is everything just relative to the way we choose to see them?
No.

What is the difference between self-respect and integrity?
Integrity is objective. Self-respect is subjective. 

What do you do when you come out as gay and your parents completely reject your existence and try to “fix” you? I’m disgusted and at a loss. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Fix them instead.

What do you think of Newt Gingrich’s request for an open marriage?
That raging narcissist didn’t ask for an open marriage. He asked his wife for permission to continue cheating. There’s a huge difference.

I met a guy named Jerry at a frat party. We talked in “the voice” from “Seinfeld” and then did the little kicks dance. I think I’m in love.
Yeah, but if you catch him picking his nose in his car, you have to break up with him.

When will you start taking your “happy pills” again?
I am a happy pill.

What’s your opinion of Dr. Drew?
He’s a hooker with a heart of gold.

Is it ever OK to say “I told you so”?
Sure. You don’t need my permission to be a jerk.

What do you do when you’ve been rejected?
I do what I can not to take it personally, and then I move on.

Why does it hurt so much to find out that a recent ex-boyfriend is sleeping with a new woman? We’re not together anymore … so why does this kill more than the breakup did?
That’s what happens when stale jealousy mixes with fresh envy. It’s a brutal combo, and it’s also a big red flag that you’re not over him yet.

I’m trying to get a great internship. Do you have any suggestions on how to stand out with either my cover letter or résumé?  Or both?   
Those are just pieces of paper. Find other ways to stand out than pieces of paper.

They’ve got two young kids and their divorce still isn’t finalized. She’s now living with her boyfriend, though, and it’s just a matter of paperwork. Is he fair game?
Technically yes, although not if she was your friend before you knew him. (Girl code still applies: No dating your friend’s exes.)

Dear Coquette,

What’s wrong with wanting life to be like a movie?
Wish-thinking is for children and idiots. Grow up. 

 
I’ve accidentally fallen in love with a man who is the single parent of his 1-year-old son. This is not what I had planned out for myself. What do I do?
Get used to life not going according to plan.

If she’s 26 and he’s 18, isn’t she too old for him? Or him too young for her? I know age is just a number, but there are certain limitations, right?
It’s best not to date younger than half your age plus seven. It works for all occasions.

If you had to choose one Republican candidate, who would it be?
Ron Paul. Not because I agree with him, but because I would love to see that kooky little Keebler Elf go up against Obama, make the general election a really weird conversation, and then lose.

What’s the difference between jealousy and envy?
Jealousy focuses on something you’re afraid to lose. Envy focuses on something you want to gain.

I can’t help but feel like sex is degrading to women.
That’s because you secretly hate both.

When does it stop being liberating, and start being misogynistic?
Is it rooted in a love of women or a hatred of women? Why can’t you tell the difference?

How do I reconcile the fact that I have an awesome boyfriend whom I love dearly, but who is lazy beyond belief and won’t get his act together? I want to conquer the world, but I feel anchored by his laziness.
Substitute “ex” for “awesome.” Boom. Reconciled.

How do you know if you have “the spark” or not?
Fire. Duh.

How do I find the beauty to become confident if I hate everything about myself?
You did not hate yourself as a child. Somewhere along the way, you learned how. Retrace your steps and unlearn. Forgive yourself, and get rid of the negativity.

What do I say to my friend who now wants to study homeopathy instead of nursing?
Tell your friend she’s diluted. (Get it? Deluded? Whatever. Your friend is a nutball.)

What do you do when someone demands that you do something completely nonsensical, defends it due to time constraints, and all because they didn’t listen to you two months ago during the planning phase?
Are they compensating you according to your agreement? If so, shut up and do your job. Otherwise, simply tell them no.

I can’t do it anymore.
Yes, you can.

Dear Coquette,

What’s the difference between pride and dignity?
Ego.

How do you kill your ego without killing your self-confidence?
Confidence doesn’t die with ego, only arrogance.

Can I kill somebody’s ego for him? It’s getting in the way of efforts to maintain friendliness and decency between us.
You can crush a man’s ego, but only he can kill it.

How do I reason with someone who is both dumb and mean?
With patience and small words.

How do you know if it’s justice that’s motivating you, not revenge?
If it’s motivating you, it’s revenge.

Do you suffer from post-party psychospiritual confusion? How do you deal with it? I’m very vulnerable to it, and wish I could just be rid of it entirely.
Don’t confuse an emotional hangover for an existential crisis.

Is my ex’s new girlfriend still a rebound if they get engaged?
Nope, she wasn’t his rebound. You were his prebound.

After getting out of a relationship, why does everyone seem so unappealing?
Puppet shows are no fun when all you can see are the strings.

Is it foolish to not care about money?
It depends on whether you have any.

Are you a bitterly wise older women or just an ordinary gay man?
Are you implying that gay men are ordinarily bitter or that younger women can’t be wise?

Now what do I do? My kids are away at school, I just turned 46, husband travels 50 percent of the time, and I can’t seem to get a job.
If you don’t need the income, volunteer. Otherwise, try temping. Don’t give up.

How do I build confidence and become emotionally self-sufficient?
It’s simple. First, find beauty in yourself. Then, don’t seek external validation for that beauty.

What is the difference between having high standards and having unreasonable expectations?
Expectations will disappoint you if they’re not met, and they will never be met if they’re unreasonable. High standards don’t come with built-in disappointment, only the rare pleasure experienced if they are finally reached.

Dear Coquette,

How do you kill your ego?
Separate it from your consciousness.

How do I find my calling?
Look for purpose in what makes you happy.

I’m terrified of thinking about death. I can grasp it, yet can’t come to terms with it at the same time. What do I do?
Ask yourself, are you dead yet? If the answer is no, quit whining.

How is a celebrity divorce considered “breaking news”? Do people seriously care about these things?
Of course not, but schadenfreude is a hell of a drug.

Is it possible to be happy with a life you don’t really want?
Sure. You can be happy without being content, especially if you realize that your current circumstances are not the same thing as your life.

I have a teenage daughter. When do you think dating is appropriate?
1955.

Things have gotten so mundane for me that I’m about to make a 2012 vision board. Lame or productive?
Yes.

What advice do you have for a 15-year-old girl who shamelessly flirts with her 28-year-old teacher?
Hold off on your authority figure phase until college. Instead, get your bad boy phase out of the way now while it will do the least amount of damage.

Will Prozac help my bulimia?
Not if you throw it up.

Is revenge ever a good enough reason?
Not unless it happens to coincide with justice, and that’s a lot rarer than you’d think.

So, I have a problem. I can only hook up with guys when I am drunk. The prospect of hooking up sober scares me. How do I solve this?
With self-respect and maturity. Short of that, quit drinking.

What’s the difference between not “settling” and the Prince Charming syndrome?
It’s the difference between having high standards and having unreasonable expectations.

Is it ever morally too late to have an abortion?
Yes, but precisely when is a question every woman should be able to answer for herself while having access to safe, legal, and readily available reproductive health care.

How do I stop feeling so darned lost?
Feeling lost implies some sort of emotional, intellectual or physical destination. You’ll stop feeling lost when you realize that there is no destination. There is only the present moment.

Dear Coquette,

Do you feel there’s any question in the world that can’t be answered?
Of course. Some of the deepest and most profound questions can’t possibly be answered at our current stage of evolution. Anyone who says otherwise is peddling a religion.

 
Can you have adventure while maintaining stability? Is it just a state of mind?
Stability is an illusion. Adventure just reminds you.

Why can’t I stay happy for more than a few weeks in the same place?
Because you mistake novelty for happiness.

Why do I feel guilty when I masturbate?
Because you’re ashamed of your sexuality.

Is it strange for a straight girl to like feminine men?
Who cares if it’s strange? Like what you like.

I think way too much about everything and it makes me really unhappy and paralyzed sometimes. Does that make sense to you — and what do I do/not do about it?
Yes, it’s called being human, and don’t worry, just keep breathing.

I’m getting the feeling that graduate school in the humanities is a Ponzi scheme.
I dunno, maybe you should ask your friends in business school.

Does it matter which college you go to?
Nope. No one cares where you go to college.

Hey. Since we’re all getting rejected from our dream colleges this time of year, any advice on moving on?
Yeah. No one cares where you go to college.

I just got into the college of my dreams! Any advice on college, the rest of my life, how to wear blue and orange with pride?
Congratulations. No one cares where you go to college.

In college. Final exams. Need perspective. Help.
Perspective? OK. Take a deep breath and realize that you’ll be dead by 2080.

Do I suck it up and stay at a job where my boss yells, throws temper tantrums and breaks things? Or should I quit and crawl back into my parents’ house?
Which is a greater insult to your dignity? (I’ll give you a hint. It’s more dignified to tolerate childish behavior than it is to remain a child.)

Where do you get your biting sense of humor, your mom or your dad?
I got integrity from my mom and guile from my dad. The sense of humor is all mine.