How do you tell a flirt from one who actually likes you?
If she licks your balls, she actually likes you.

I masturbate everyday. Is that too much?
No.

When’s the best time to make a move?
The second before you start wondering whether you should.

sex now or later?
Now.

Coke or Pepsi?
Fresca.

mac or pc?
Buy me an iPad and I’ll tell.

How do i go about getting into the coke business?
Send your resume here or here.

Are you a member of the Mile-High club?
Do private jets count? If so, yes.

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?!
Are you talking to me or the voices in your head?

Would you ever partake in cake farts?
I’ll partake in cake farts if you partake in two girls one cup.

Why can’t more girls be like you?
Oh please, you couldn’t handle us if there were.

could I be too vulnerable?
No, but you could be too weak.

i think i might be gay what do i do
Love yourself. Respect yourself. Be yourself.

Do you live by any mottos?
See answer above.

How do I deal with homophobic religious people?
The same way you deal with other retarded people.

im 14 and pregnant my bfs 15 what should i do?
Get an abortion, like yesterday.

Why is everything so boring?
Because you are so boring.

Why am I not dead?
Don’t worry. You will be.

What does it take for me to get him back?
Nothing but your dignity.

What are your all-time favourite cigarettes?
The ones I share at four in the morning.

What do you think of teenagers that act like they’re in their 20s?
It’s better than twenty-somethings acting like teenagers.

Would you ever have a water birth?
You know I hate screaming kids at the pool.

How much does coke cost? I want to try some.
An excellent question for your coke dealer.

Is cum good for you skin?
Sure, sure. It’s skin cream. It’s hair gel. It’s a protein rich hangover cure.

Is anal sex a turn on for guys?
Whose ass are we talking about?

Gold or Silver?
Platinum, bitch.

How do I get into acting?
Come out to LA and treat your life like a lottery ticket.

Where do you live?
In the shade on the west side of paradise.

Did your parents love you?
Very, very much.

How do I follow you?
Click here and here.

How can I be like you?
Wait, no. Just following me is fine.

Our periods are in sync!
Okay, now it’s getting creepy.

What’s worse: Marriage or loneliness?
Thinking those are your only two options.

Do men care if they’re real or fake?
Yes.

Should i talk to him even if i don’t want to?
No.

What is your favorite word?
Yes.

How do I get myself to orgasm?
By using that thing between your legs.

Why don’t bangs look good on everyone?
Because there is no justice in the world.

My husband found out I had an affair. What now?
Get a refund from Ashley Madison.

Coke, am I knocked up?
Not if you don’t want to be.

Have you ever thought about suicide?
Not my own, no.

Can we talk about my fucking concerns?
Sure thing. Call me. Oh, wait. You don’t have my number.

Why are your answers so bitchy and rude?
Why are you so thin-skinned?

Is there anything you’re missing in your life?
Obscene wealth and the ability to drive a stick shift. Other than that, I’ve pretty much got it covered.

Can you fall out of love?
Just as hard.

Will I get a promotion?
Do I look like a magic 8 ball?

Why can’t I find a decent guy? I’m fifteen, and tired of waiting.
Decent guys find whiny teenagers annoying.

Do you have or have had any STDs or STIs?
Nope. Clean and safe. The closest I’ve come to an STD is razor burn.

Does jesus love all the children in the world?
And puppies and kittens and unicorns too!

I have been called an opportunist, was this an insult?
Not by anyone that matters.

Why don’t love live here anymore?
Love can’t afford the rent.

How do you lose weight easily?
With a chainsaw.

How can I be hot?
With an oven.

How often do you answer these questions high?
As often as possible.

Should i move to france?
Hell yes.

I’m ugly. How can I get any girls?
Start a band.

How can you tell when a woman is faking?
If you knew how to tell, she wouldn’t be faking.

When are the appropriate times to tell a person to fuck off?
During eye contact.

Do you practice conservation for the planet?
The planet doesn’t need my help.

What is your bra size?
Thirty-four double-go-fuck-yourself.

Do kegel exercises work?
Yes.

how do i ride my bf better during sex?
Kegels.

what should a girl do on the bottom during sex?
Lay there and get fucked. Also, maybe some kegels.

I fucked my drug dealer and now he refuses to take money from me.
See how that works?

is it weird to sell your panties to someone from craigslist for $40?
Yes. Not as weird as buying them, though.

Should I call him back?
Do you have anything to say?

Do blondes really have more fun?
Is ignorance really bliss?

Are you a Taurus?
I’m a BMW.

Am I a lesbian?
You’re lesbian-ish.

What’s the big deal with sex anyway?
Biological imperative is a raging cunt.

i wanna fuck you
Yeah you do.

what are your thoughts on anal sex?
Lube, lube, and more lube.

how do I become famous for being a nobody?
Narcissism and reality television.

How can i crush a man’s ego, rip it to shreds?
Be better than him without needing him.

How to get your dignity back?
Fucking take it.

Will my girlfriend and I last?
Nothing lasts.

What do you think about going to rehab?
Dylan said it best. “If you gotta go, go now.”

I’m weak. How do I get a backbone like yours?
Learn when to tell someone to fuck off.

should i wipe front to back or back to front?
Fuck off.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Not mommy blogging.

What made you want to start giving advice?

I don’t know. I guess I’m just a nosey cunt.

What are your tips for getting into a good college?

Have wealthy parents.

Coke Talk, what would it be like to fuck you?

Oh hey, Tiger Woods.

Are there many differences from you and the girls on The Hills?

Sure. When asked to be on a reality show, I said no.

I think I love you…

Put a ring on it.

what turns you on the most if you don’t mind me asking?

A guy who’s smarter than me.

I’m a little high. I have a question but it sounds so retarded. What do I do?

Puff, puff, give.

what to do when it’s time to go to sleep after a night of partying?

Ambien.

Moving in together yay or nay?

Both.

Virginity. Tell him or fake it?

Both.

why can’t he make me orgasm?

Maybe your pussy is broken.

Nicknames for your tits? Mine are Mary Kate and Ashley.

Snooki and Jwow.

What are you thoughts on psychics?

What are your thoughts on unicorns?

your drug resume?

It’s more of a menu.

is it okay to use addiherol to lose weight .. ?
Sure. Then again, it’s not okay to use drugs you can’t spell.

How do I turn a hook up into a relationship?
How do you turn a hot wing into a chicken dinner?

i think i might be anorexic.
Want a cookie?

where do you draw the line between good skinny and scary anorexic?
I draw the line with a sharpie on your visible ribs.

should i quit smoking?
Yes.

Am I fat?
Yes.

cocaine threesome?
Yes, yes, yes.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?
No. Once a cheater, you always cheated.

Where can I meet nice, interesting girls?
What price range?

what would be a good date? i’m asian. she’s white.
You pay. She drives.

why is the devil in the details?
The devil isn’t really a big picture kinda guy.

my roomate shit on my bed
Change your sheets.

How old are you?
Fuck you, that’s how old.

Have you always had a really well structured sense of intuition?
I knew you were going to ask that.