Advice

On your costume

I recently said, “three cheers for slutty Pocahontas costumes.” to which a friend of mine replied, “You mean sexy. Don’t be an oppressor.” My defense was that I was slut celebrating, not slut shaming. To my mind, there’s nothing wrong with sluts, but I can see how it has negative connotations for people with less flexible definitions. So, I’m going to stop using the word until I’m certain I’m in control of its inference. Is that right?

Considering your friend called you an oppressor for using the word “slut” as opposed to an oppressor for culturally appropriating Native American dress, I’d say she’s a humorless cunt without a sense of irony.

Happy Halloween, sluts.

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Advice

On occupying wall street.

You said in “On Occupying Wall Street” to call you when there’s blood in the streets. Now that it’s been a month, and there’s blood running in the streets, has your opinion changed at all?

Sure, my opinion has changed. A month ago Occupy Wall Street was fairly flaccid and unimpressive, but now it’s a rock hard, throbbing populist movement pounding away at the socio-political zeitgeist.

If the protesters have the stamina to last into 2012, they may alter the country’s political discourse and have a measurable effect on the upcoming elections. Of course, for that to happen the police will have to keep acting like brutal thugs through the holidays, lest the bloodthirsty mass media lose interest.

I’m hopeful that the movement will continue to grow. I want it to expand. I want it to mature. I want it to reinvigorate left wing politics and grow hair on the chest of American liberalism.

We’ll see. As of now, the blood in the streets belongs to the wrong people, and I’m still looking forward to the day when investment bankers are fleeing the country in exile.

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Advice

On cancer.

Dear Coquette,

I’m 23 and I just found out that I have a tumor in my brain. The oncologist said it was inoperable and that with treatment, I have about 15-24 months; without treatment, who knows.

I haven’t told anyone this yet, but I am going to, and while I’m willing to go see any and every doctor, if they all say the same thing as my initial oncologist, I’m not going to spend the last months of my life going through all the hell of chemotherapy and radiation. How do I tell that to my family and friends, when I know all they will want is for me to fight this for as long as possible? Tell me straight, am I being selfish or cowardly for not wanting to fight a losing battle?


If you’re refusing treatment out of fear without consideration for your friends and family, then yes, you are being both selfish and cowardly. The selfish part is perfectly understandable. You’re entitled to some selfishness when facing your own mortality. However, the cowardly part is unacceptable.

Of course you don’t want to fight a losing battle. Who would? Nobody wants to suffer, but I’ve got more bad news for you. Suffering is inevitable. Your mind and body are going to deteriorate. There’s a part of you that understands that, but you’re still smack dab in middle of the denial phase, and you’re focusing too much on the effects of chemotherapy and radiation.

No doubt the doctors are telling you to start treatment immediately. You’re thinking that you’ve got the holidays coming up, and if they’re going to be your last, you’d rather not spend them puking your guts out.

Right now you’re weighing the pros and cons of blowing it out for six to nine months verses hunkering down and weathering treatment for a couple of years. Thing is, that’s a false dichotomy. This isn’t an either/or kind of situation. This is all gray area and dark, sticky unknowns.

One thing I can promise you is that eventually you will seek some form of treatment for your disease, and chemotherapy and radiation are your first best options. They’re scary, but you don’t get to walk away from them without first understanding the consequences. Don’t just talk to doctors. Talk to other cancer patients, too. They’re the ones who really know.

Nobody wants to fight a losing battle, but guess what? Life is a losing battle for every last one of us. Sure, you’ve taken a big hit, but you don’t get to quit just yet. It’s too early for that kind of decision.

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Advice

On after the third date

Gave online dating a shot, thought I had met a nice guy. Date One consisted of Farmers Market, food trucks, bloody marys and coffees and lasted 5 hours. Great conversation/banter. Second date good but not great, Indian Food, no booze. On Date 3 went to his place, he cooked steaks and 3 bottles of wine later we had sex. A few times. Texted a few days later to thank him for dinner, he responded quickly and enthusiastically, we made tentative plans for the weekend. On Friday I receive this email:

“I had a fabulous time last Sunday: there is not much I enjoy more than gorging myself on wine, pound-cake and sloppy, reckless sex.  That said, I think I need to be romantically involved with someone less intemperate than myself, lest I end up with child, HIV, and bigger pants.  I’ll call you as soon as I manage to add moderation to my quiver of vices.”

Questions 1: What does this even mean?

Question 2: How do I respond?

Question 3: All my girlfriends are telling me that I had sex with him to soon, trouble is I like sex and I don’t believe in arbitrarily following number of date guidelines to decide when to have sex…. What say you?

Thanks!

Answer 1: It means you fucked a magnificent douchebag who doesn’t want to bother coming back for seconds.

Answer 2: You don’t. Just delete the prick.

Answer 3: Ignore your slut-shaming girlfriends.

You’re welcome.

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Advice

On asking the right questions.

What is your definition of madness? When is the line drawn between creativity and insanity? Can madness sometimes be a symptom belonging to brilliance? – Crazy Artist

What is your definition of pretentious? When is the line drawn between having no talent and being full of shit? Can taking yourself too seriously be a symptom belonging to idiots? – Crazy Bitch

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice.

Dear Coquette,

What are you going to dress up as for halloween?
Boo, the world’s cutest dog.


If you had to choose one of the GOP candidates, who would it be?

Fred Karger.


What are you currently reading? Yes, I’m looking for a new stimulating book to read.

This Is Where I Leave You,” by Jonathan Tropper. It’s hilarious and heartfelt.


Do you read books on paper exclusively? How do you feel about e-readers?

My books never run out of batteries.


What do you think is the future of the publishing industry?

Longer-lasting batteries.


What’s the best way to go in for a kiss with someone you’ve known for a while?

With your head, but without your mind.


Is bad kissing a deal breaker?

Yes.


I walked downstairs to find my dad rushing away from the computer and pulling up his pants the other night. How do I act around him now?

Loudly, especially as you walk down the stairs.


Why is it that when I’m dating a guy and I start showing more interest, they decide to disappear?

Because you don’t know the difference between showing interest and acting needy.


I am constantly able to hear my neighbors having sex … what should I do?!

Record them, mix in some fresh beats, and drop a CD off on their doorstep.


What do you think of the Mississippi movement to define a person as existing at the moment of conception?

It’s yet another round of regressive, wrong-headed ridiculousness from the religious right.


I find what you say to be interesting, but do you ever get tired of being so cynical? Do you honestly like anyone in this world, aside from yourself?

Ryan Gosling seems pretty likable.


Give me some reassurance that my life isn’t pointless.

No. Go get it yourself.

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Advice

On getting healthy.

So contrary to today’s question asker I am fat… I am obese. I am a size 24 and I need lose weight. The issue is that I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. I am the most successful of my siblings – I went to college and have a degree, I have a great job, own my own place and have a nice car. Both of my siblings are divorced, neither really went to college – my brother is a (sometimes) recovering addict, my sister divorced her addict husband, and both typically are hovering just above the poverty line (at least when my brother is sober he is). Both also have children that aren’t always parented and are only well behaved about 30% of the time. Back to me – I have been fat since I was 10 – I have lost and re-gained weight a million times. I have cut ties with my family and been sucked back in over and over again. I’m 31 and although I am a serial monogamist I often feel like I am too damaged to truly have a successful relationship – thus I’ve never been married and I don’t have children. So a lot of days i feel like it’s an accomplishment that I am as “normal” and “well-adjusted” as I am considering the circumstances. Is it okay to continue to eat my feelings and dysfunction away? Should I feel accomplished that even though I am fat and cannot conquer this obstacle that at least I can hold the rest of my figurative shit together? And does it matter that regardless of your answer my self-esteem is still going to suck?

You are not normal, nor are you well-adjusted. You are incredibly unhealthy, both physically and emotionally. It’s great that you got a degree, a job, a home, and a car, but don’t confuse your bourgeois starter kit for normalcy or accomplishment.

In fact, fuck normalcy. That shouldn’t be your goal in the first place. You’re chasing security and happiness where they don’t exist. Instead, seek balance. That’s what’s missing in your life. On some level you already know that, which is why you’re coming at me with all this rationalization.

I can’t tell you how to achieve balance, but I doubt you’ll be able to do it without losing weight and coming to terms with your family. Go see a shrink, and while you’re at it, a doctor.

Getting healthy isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

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Advice

On your weight.

I’m a size 6. I’m not unhappy with my weight, but I’m not happy with it either. The problem is, I love to eat way too much. I have no self control. I’m not sure whether I should try to lose weight or not. It’s going to take a lot of will power and it’s going to be a challenge. And I’m not FAT, I’m just not skinny. Losing the weight would make me feel better about myself but it is not absolutely needed. Do you think it’s worth it? Should I try to look my best even though I’m fine the way I am?

Shut up and go burn your fucking magazines.

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Advice

On slut shaming and more.

Dear Coquette,

I blackballed a girl from living with me and my friends in our 10-person house this year, even though we had room (I’m in college). We felt that the girl was too much of a slutty party girl to live with us.

Now I am trying to make it up to her by being extra nice and inviting her out with us. She’s made it clear that she isn’t interested in accepting my apology. I am guilt-ridden over this, and I feel terrible. What should I do to make my apology heard, and how can I fix this? 

First and foremost, stop the damned slut-shaming. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to reject an unsavory roommate, but you didn’t say this girl was messy, unstable, or shady. You said she was slutty, which means you blackballed her for nothing more than openly enjoying sex. That’s a disgusting way to treat other women. Stop it.

Also, stop being “extra nice” to this girl. I know your type, and being extra nice just means acting all syrupy sweet out of a sense of self-admitted guilt. It’s fake. Insincere sweetness isn’t going to get you anywhere with someone who already knows you to be a judgmental bitch.

If you really want to fix this, skip the apologies and just be respectful. Showing this girl some genuine respect is the only way you’re gonna make it right.


Is it best to just ignore catcalls? A group of kids on the basketball team have an off-campus apartment on my street, and nearly every day I hear the same boring recycled catcalls coming from their porch. It’s a popular street for students, and I’ve heard a few girls say the same thing. One friend walks around the block just to avoid them. Seems unfair. Any clever ideas?  Thanks, Coquette.

If you want to achieve a result beyond your direct control, simply identify a source of authority that can act on your behalf and then apply the proper motivation. 

In this case, I’d show up at the basketball coach’s office with a reporter from your college newspaper, explain to the coach how his players are behaving, and then ask one simple question: “What are you doing to keep members of your basketball team from sexually harassing female students?”


Yesterday, after an amazing sex marathon, he called me “Lindsey,” who is the mother of his child. He apologized profusely and got me flowers the following day etc. … I just started grad school so I’ve been absent a little, but to be honest, I was not concerned. However … when I told my sister what happened, I realized that maybe this is something I shouldn’t shrug off since this is not the first time he’s called me by the name of one of his exes. Thoughts?

It’s not that big of a deal. Eventually he’ll quit doing it. If not, you can take comfort in the knowledge that one day, he’ll accidentally call out your name after sex with his next girlfriend.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice.

So you’ve done wedding vows. Would you be willing to do tattoos?
Fuck yeah. You know how to reach me.

My boyfriend went down on me but apparently it tasted disgusting, what should I do?
Eat healthy. Drink lots of water. Wash your fucking vagina.

Where do you fall on the Kinsey scale?
Two and three quarters.

Judy Garland or Katharine Hepburn?
Tallulah Bankhead.

What do you do when you suddenly find yourself sexually attracted to people other than your significant other?
I enjoy it while maintaining my integrity.

Hey CT, usually I agree with what you say, but I’m still not sure why you would want to wear the word cunt around your neck. Explain?
If I have to explain it to you, you couldn’t pull it off anyway.

You’ve said that prostitutes sell sex and whores sell their principles. I’m a prostitute, not a whore, and it feels wrong to sleep with a married man even though I’m turning down a lot of money. Is that incredibly naive?
It’s not naive at all. I totally respect that as a sex worker, you refuse to knowingly participate in infidelity. Ethically, you’re kind of a badass.

What is your definition of naive?
An innocent lack of sophistication.

Whats the difference between a hooker and a porn star?
A camera.

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