Dear Coquette,

I met a girl at a party last night who told me that she was saving herself for someone special, whenever he’d come along. Long story short, she got drunk and ended up dragging my friend to a room and proceeded to have sex.

When I saw it happen yesterday, I honestly didn’t think much of it, but when I woke up this morning, I felt like maybe I should have stopped her from doing something she’d probably end up regretting. I’ve spent most of my after-high school life trying not to impose my own sense of morality on others, but I feel like in this case, when I was confronted with a more confusing scenario (she was very assertive to the people around her), I made a mistake and sat idly by. I’m not a big party person, and sadly (or thankfully?) that’s the first time I’ve actually seen that happen in front of me.

What should I have actually done?

If the girl made a conscious choice to get drunk and then instigated the sex by her own free will, then your neutrality isn’t to blame for any morning-after regret she might be feeling. You aren’t responsible for her dubious virtue just because she was blabbing about it earlier in the evening. She is responsible for her own decisions, stupid though they may be.

For what it’s worth, I’ve found that girls who make their virginity a topic of cocktail party conversation are a special kind of crazy, and the world is full of people who say one thing and then do the opposite, especially while under the influence.

You didn’t do anything wrong by sitting idly by while she got hot and heavy. Then again, you wouldn’t have been wrong to toss cold water onto the situation. Either would have been fine, because this isn’t so much about morality as it is about decorum.

In other words, any mistake you might have made didn’t fall on a spectrum of right or wrong. It fell on a spectrum of trashy or classy. 

Morally, you’re fine. On decorum, I’ll let you judge for yourself.

Dear Coquette,

I’m in a serious relationship with a man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, but I’ve just been offered my dream job with an amazing team on the opposite side of the country. My boyfriend is in a good place at work, and it’d be unfair to ask him to uproot himself from the career he has worked so hard to build. In addition, he’s trying to reach a point where he can support his little sister in high school (and soon, college), so his parents can retire.

Moving isn’t an option to him. He originally had hoped that we would get married within the next two or three years. If I take the job, it would be a four-year commitment. Realistically speaking, I won’t be able to get an equivalent opportunity again, since my college GPA was low and I got the offer through some aggressive networking while interning at the company.

I feel like I have to choose between my career or family before I have either. Is there any way this could work? I’m just being selfish, right? To want to leave for four years and ask him to wait for me. He has said he would, but he’s incredibly hurt that I even applied for the position.

I should probably mention … we spent the last 18 months apart while I studied/temped out of state and we’ve been together two years. Knock some sense into me, please.

First of all, congratulations on your hustle. It’s not an easy thing to land your dream job in today’s economy, and it sounds like you’ve done what it takes to get your shot. You should be proud of yourself.

For what it’s worth, you’re not choosing between a career or a family. You’re choosing between a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to follow your dreams and a boyfriend who, despite a lot of talk, hasn’t put a ring on your finger.

The good news is, you’re still gonna have a family. The bad news is, it’s just not gonna be with your current dude. I know that’s an unimaginable thing to hear when you’re young and in love, but that’s just the way these things go. Sorry, kiddo. You have to sacrifice for what you want in life, and we both know damn well what you really want.

Take the dream job and don’t look back. Don’t ask him to wait for you. That’s not fair, nor is it realistic. You have to accept that moving across the country for half a decade will be the end of the relationship. It doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you selfish.

This guy isn’t your fiancé, much less your husband, so all your talk about wanting to spend the rest of your life with him sounds silly in light of your own self-made opportunity. I know right now you’re head over heels, but that kind of thing mellows with time, and if you pass up on your dreams just to stick around and be his girlfriend, eventually you will resent him for it.

Dear Coquette,

My boyfriend just went to jail. He had a court date and they took him into custody for not complying with his probation. His sentencing isn’t for another month and I’m going to do everything I can to be there. He knows I’m here for him, as does his family, and I already told him I’d wait, no matter how long it takes. I’ve been completely in love with him since I was a teen, but between the time I met him (when I was 14 years old) and now, I’ve been with other guys. While he’s away now, I’m just going to keep to myself. I really don’t want anyone else. He’s everything I want, even though he’s made mistakes. I accept him for who he is and he does the same with me. I have two kids that he absolutely adores and they adore him, too. Never, in my life, has anyone made me feel like this. I just know he’s the one. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that everything will be fine.

Everything will not be fine. Sorry, kiddo. You’ve made a string of poor life decisions, and you’re too dumb and in love to start changing that anytime soon. It sucks, because you brought two kids into this world when you probably shouldn’t have, and it’s not their fault you’re such a loser.

Yeah, that’s right. I called you a loser. I know it’s not good manners to just come out and say it like that, but it’s the damn truth, and if you’re ever gonna start changing your life, you need to feel a little shame for the choices you’ve made thus far.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person. Hell, I’m not even saying that your boyfriend is a bad person. I’m simply saying that it’s not okay to be a single mother with a boyfriend in jail. You’ve got to set higher standards for yourself than that. You’re a loser in love with a loser, and both of your kids will grow up to be losers unless you do what you can to stop being a loser.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to do that. Sure, I can tell you to raise your standards, end your relationship with this guy, get an education, and spend a lifetime working hard to provide an even better education for your kids, but you aren’t ready to hear that right now. All you want to hear is that it’s okay to keep acting like a love-stoned teenager. Well, it’s not. Your time for fooling around with bad boys ended the second you made the decision to become a mother.

No one with a clue could possibly give you any reassurance right now. Life is only going to get harder, and by the time you’re wise enough to want more for yourself, it’ll probably be too late to do a damn thing about it. Still, I hope you get it together one day. I really do. In the meantime, quit worrying about your love life and focus on motherhood.