Advice

On baby steps.

Dear Coquette,

Coquette, I’m coming to you because no one — not my guidance counselors, not my relatives, not my friends — has said anything that has helped me at all. 

I live in a very small town in Texas, a kind of cultural wasteland. I whine a lot, but there are some good people here. I just don’t belong in this place. I’m not country, I’m definitely not religious, and I cannot live in such a vacuum for the rest of my life. I’ve always known this, but the time is coming to decide where I’m going to go and what I’m going to do. I want to go to college; I always have. I love learning, however corny or whatever that sounds. But I also love to experience. Traveling has always been something I love to do. 

But I don’t know how to fit this all into what I’m going to do when I graduate. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Music has been the only passion I’ve ever had, but just listening to it, and critiquing my friends’ bands. I don’t know what kind of career I could have with that or if I could ever pull it off. I want to live in New York or Chicago or Seattle or Los Angeles or somewhere fascinating, but all the colleges out-of-state will swallow me in debt, and the only way I’d want to incur such debt is if I was going to do something that I’d make a lot of money in, and there’s no guarantee I will if I go the music route. And that’s just settling tuition. I’ll be supporting myself because we don’t have a lot of money, so I’d have to be working through college too. I honestly just don’t have any answers right now. Austin, Texas, is an amazing city but I want more. Maybe I’m just being a whining high school girl, but I can’t put anything together. 

Sweetheart, please just go to Austin. You have to trust me on this. You are a teenager with a high school education and no support network outside of your small town in Texas. You simply are not ready for New York, Chicago or Los Angeles. Those cities will eat you alive if you wander into them alone, wide-eyed and without a plan.

Enroll at the University of Texas. Pay in-state tuition and get financial aid. Spend the next few years working part-time and getting a degree in whatever gets you off. Try your hand at the local music scene and learn how the industry works before you make any decisions about a career.

You don’t have to have anything figured out yet, and not to spoil the surprise, but there are no answers. There are only lessons, ones that you should learn gradually.

There will be plenty of time for you to move to a metropolis, and in the meantime, Austin is a fantastic place to dip your toes into adulthood. Again, trust me. Once you hit that city, you’re gonna find yourself surrounded by bright, interesting people who think like you do, and you’re gonna love it.

Baby steps, girl. You’ll get there.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun sized advice

W.W.C.T.D? Use Blackberry or iPhone?
Both. Gotta keep work and play separate.

You talk a lot about having fun. Where do you draw the line?
Country music.

just washed down my antidepressant with the little bit of semen left in my mouth. thought of you.
How lovely, and just in time for Father’s Day!

I don’t think there’s much wrong with someone being a “slut”, would you agree?
Congratulations on being the first dude to creep me out with nothing but a pair of quotation marks.

Is it wrong to date your cousin’s husband’s cousin?
Only if you cousin’s husband is also your brother, and if that were the case, I doubt you’d bother asking.

You’re censored by the Chinese government. Fuck yeah.
It’s nothing to celebrate. Fuck the PRC.

Is going to a music festival on your own tragic?
Hell no. Rock out. Make new friends.

What happened to your readers? They all became whiny 22 year old cunts.
It’s graduation season. This is what happens.


How do you tell a guy you just started dating that you would rather just have anal without coming across like a weird horndog?
Use your words, darling. Just look him in the eye and say, “I like it in the ass.” Don’t be bashful.

What are your thoughts on an open relationship in college? How can I be more open to the idea itself? His idea, not mine.
It can’t just be his idea. It has to be yours too. You both have to want it, or it’s gonna end in disaster. Be honest with yourself. If you know you don’t want it, don’t put up with it. If he can’t handle that, go your separate ways.

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Advice

On resentment.

Dear Coquette,

I’ve got a stable, successful career that allows me the opportunity to have my own home, support my disabled mother, and put my husband through college without him having to work a job. I work really hard for what I’ve got, and I’ve come a long way from my past (super broke ghetto kid); conversely, my husband has never had to work for much (super rich golden child). I’m glad that I can support him and give him the life I wish I had — after all, who doesn’t want a free ride through college without having the distraction of a job to bog you down? But at the same time, I’m kicking my own ass because, deep down, I feel resentful of his position. Even he claims to feel “unfulfilled” by not holding down a job, which in turn makes me feel even more resentful because I feel like he should be super grateful for what I do for him.

I guess the question is, am I a jerk for feeling resentful? Didn’t I do it to myself? And shouldn’t I just be pleased with myself for doing a good deed?


Never expect someone to feel grateful. Ever. Just don’t do it. It’s always better to be pleasantly surprised when someone expresses genuine gratitude, as opposed to being constantly disappointed by a world full of petty thoughtlessness.

While you’re at it, try not to be all pleased with yourself for doing a good deed. It’s just a manifestation of your ego, and that never layers well with expectations of gratitude. It’s also the kind of thing that turns selfless acts into selfish ones, and the resulting emotions are the inevitable building blocks of resentment.

Speaking of which, are you ready for some brutal truth? Golden boy resents you too. All that whining about being unfulfilled is a manifestation of his resentment, and it’s the closest he’ll ever come to telling you the dark and sticky truth, outside of couples therapy.

His resentment isn’t justified, but that’s why he keeps it to himself. Quite frankly, your resentment isn’t justified either, and between the two of you, you’re each bottling up enough of the stuff to turn it into a slow-acting poison for your marriage.

You guys should really air out these issues. The sooner the better. Over time, this is the stuff that silently kills long-term relationships, because it erodes the foundation of respect upon which they’re built.

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Best-Of Advice

On letting him go

Dear Coquette,

My boyfriend of four years has decided he wants to move to Texas to become a police officer. We currently live in California. I have just bought my own house, and I have a full ride scholarship to a university in California. He has applied to be a police officer in California, but they aren’t moving fast enough for him. I offered to give up the home I just purchased and my education to follow him. He said he’d break up with me if I did, that he would feel bad if I did, and wouldn’t allow me to do it. If he goes, I’ll stupidly try to work through it, no matter how miserable and resentful I am that all of it was his choice.

 I’m not asking him to sacrifice anything — he can be a police officer here just as much as Texas. He told me he is doing what he has to do for him and his future, that we aren’t married, but getting married has always been the plan, so why should that matter? (Because we aren’t married gives him a free card to do anything he wants and not consider me?)

If he loved me and wanted to marry me, he would stay, there would be nothing more important to him than to be with me. I am lost, and the more I try and convince him to stay, the farther away I push him. We are in serious trouble in our relationship. How do I convince him that he’s making a terrible decision for both of us? Am I being stupid? I’m terribly lost and hurt and I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I love him, and the four years we’ve been together should mean something. Please help.


OK, I’ll help, but you’re not gonna like it. Sit down and strap in, because it’s brutal truth time.

Your relationship is over.

Let that sink in for a second. I know the thought just terrifies you, but someone needed to tell you in plain and simple language what your boyfriend is too much of a spineless douchebag to admit.

You made it four years. Well done. That’s longer than most. Unfortunately, now it’s time for you to be heartbroken for a while. It’s gonna suck. There will be a lot of tears, a good bit of wallowing, and a sizable amount of resentment and anger, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s stay focused on the present moment and see if we can’t at least get you past this initial denial phase.

Your boyfriend does not want to be with you anymore. In fact, he probably checked out of the relationship well over a year ago. He’s just been going through the motions, encouraging you to plant roots in California so he could make the jump to Texas without you following him. It’s the only way he knew how to end things after almost half a decade.

It’s a harsh reality to face, but the good news is that you’re getting rid of an emotionally stunted coward who’s just gonna end up being another jerk cop in Texas. The bad news is it’s too soon for you to see it that way.

It’s perfectly natural for you to be a hot mess right now, but I highly recommend you steel yourself up and take control of the situation. If you have it in you, summon the dignity and break up with him yourself. Make it hard, fast and clean.

If you can’t bring yourself to end it, at least prepare for the inevitable. This is not the man you’re gonna marry. He’s just the man you spent the first chunk of your 20s loving, and there’s no shame in that.

Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. In fact, you’re in a good place. You’ve got a home, a scholarship, and a couple of years to focus on your education. You’ll get through this, and eventually, you’ll find someone else.

For now, though, just take a deep breath and realize that you are not lost. He is.

Let him go.

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Advice

On waffles.

A few days ago I got home drunk and a guy asked to have breakfast with me at 5am while I was still drunk. We went out and we really hit it off and ended up having sex later that morning. Problem is, my best friend said she wanted to bang him also. They had not seen one another for a couple years though and he doesn’t feel the same way about her. How do I tell her about what happened? Should I even tell her at all?

Did you have waffles? I’m totally craving waffles now. Fuck. I haven’t had lunch yet, and you just gave me a massive goddamn waffle craving. Ugh, you bitch.

Oh well, at least I didn’t answer a sunrise drunk dial from some douche that my ugly best friend tried calling dibs on.

Mmm. I think I’ll get some bacon, too.

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Advice

On what to do.

I have strong feelings for a female I’ve met over the internet. The problem is I live in Chicago and she lives in San Diego. We’ve never met and we’ve been talking for a while now. I am going out there in a month for her birthday, what do we do if we hit it off?

Fuck like rabbits and then have a slice of cake.

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Advice

On backing the fuck off.

I had sex with a married man. His wife found out, he confessed everything. She and I are acquaintances but not friends. She’s pissed and hurt and confused, obviously, and she has been texting me threats for a few days. Warranted for sure. She says she just needs to know why. I asked her if I can call her, she said no. So I’m supposed to text her I guess. What do I say to this woman? That I’m a piece of shit, & I didn’t actually think about her or their family even once or the consequences of my actions. I hoped no one would find out. I just wanted to. I’m not trying to make myself feel or look any better, it was selfish and wrong, but is there something I could say to help her?

Nope. Back the fuck off. You’re not gonna say anything that will help her. If she demands an explanation, feel free tell her that you’re a selfish, thoughtless piece of shit with no integrity. If she wants an apology, give it to her and mean it. Otherwise, cease to fucking exist in their lives, and whatever you do, don’t add any more drama to the situation.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

Dear Coquette,

What is your favorite Muppet? And why?
Animal, because he’s a drummer.


I don’t think I respect my husband anymore. Is there any way to fix this?
That’s up to him.


What’s the worst thing a person can do?
Hate.


Am I supposed to be having fun in college?
You’re supposed to be having fun in life, my dear.


What are your thoughts on assisted suicide?
I consider the right to die as absolute and inalienable as the right to live.


At what point does Republican distrust and hatred of the government and effort to dismantle and cripple it begin to resemble treason?
Treason is a crime against a nation, not a government. You mean sedition. Also, you really need to relax. 


I’m gay and my life will fall apart if anyone finds out, what should I do?
Start changing the circumstances of your life that keep you from being true to yourself.


“Pulp Fiction” or “Kill Bill?”
True Romance.


How do you become hard to get? Do you just have to be an amazing/cool person and choosy about who you date?
It’s not about being cool and choosy. It’s about knowing yourself and having high standards.


How do you forgive someone?
Let go of all your anger and resentment for them.


What do you think of the saying “youth is wasted on the young”?
I think it’s equally valid as saying wisdom is wasted on the old.


Is the belief that it’s all gonna work out (even if it doesn’t work like you planned it) hopeless optimism or smiling peace?
It’s hopeless optimism if you expect a happy ending. It’s smiling peace if you have no expectations at all.


What are your religious beliefs?
I’m not one for irrational delusions.


How do I not grow up to be a man-child?
Actually grow the hell up.

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Advice

On commitment.

I’m in a committed relationship with a boyfriend I love. I’m 24, but I’m getting the urge to nest. I’m not talking forever or kids, but I want to settle down somewhere at least for awhile and really put my heart into making a life there. We’ve definitely never talked marriage — and that’s not even what I want right now, but I want it (or preferably, an equivalent — none of this ‘til death’ business) one day. I don’t see him as the forever guy, but I’m enjoying this relationship so much. I feel shitty for not telling him how I feel, but I don’t want to ruin it either.

I realize I can’t do this forever. It’s not fair to him, and his feelings are just as important as mine are. What do I do?

You’re not in a committed relationship. You’re just in an exclusive one. There’s a difference between temporary monogamy and actual commitment.

If you’ve led your boyfriend to believe that you’re committed to him when you’re not, then you haven’t been honest with him. Does he think he’s the forever guy? If so, you gotta set the record straight and let him know how you really feel.

If there’s no confusion on his part and all he expects out of the relationship is exclusivity, then just take that shit day by day and see what happens.

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Advice

On the post college blahs

I just graduated from college and it feels fucking weird. What do I do to get that sense of normalcy back in life? I have a job and am living with my boyfriend but I feel like everything is an out of body experience now. I know that this is the time to do shit on my own, but I’m doing that and I still feel like shit. Suggestions?

First of all, June gloom is real. You just gotta wait that shit out.

Secondly, it’s not a sense of normalcy you’re missing. It’s a sense of purpose. The goal oriented structure of college life used to give you that purpose, and now that it’s over you’re a bit lost.

Graduating from college used to mean the start of your career, but these days you’re basically just graduating from High School, Part II and you’re lucky just to get some shit job. Of course, not too long ago, the expectation also would have been that you immediately get married and start pumping out kids.

Either way, career and kids used to be the default sources of purpose for the middle class, but your generation’s post-collegiate experience no longer comes with that shit built-in.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sure, it may lead to your flavor of minor existential pre-life crisis, but there’s also a certain kind of freedom in being able to discover a purpose instead of having one handed to you by a set of sociological norms.

As for suggestions, just take your head out of your ass, look around, and find yourself a purpose.

Good luck.

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