What do you think of OFWGKTA and tegan and sara’s comments on them?

I respect Sara’s visceral reaction to Tyler the Creator, and I totally agree with her point about the industry being a bunch of bandwagoners when it comes to acts like O.F.W.G.K.T.A., but where Sara takes issue with Tyler’s misogynistic and homophobic lyrics, I just shrug my shoulders.

A song with racist lyrics does not make the singer racist. A joke with a homophobic punch line does not make the comedian a homophobe. A novel with misogynistic themes does not make the writer a misogynist.

I separate artists from their art, and unless there is hate or ignorance in their hearts, I always give artists a pass. I honestly don’t know what’s in Tyler the Creator’s heart, and quite frankly, I don’t care. I’ve listened to his music, and while I’ll give a nod to his nascent lyrical abilities, his shit ain’t for me.

Let’s not forget, we’re not talking about a man here. He’s a boy. From what I can tell, practically a child. Like most people who do what he does, he’s managed to channel what are essentially sociopathic tendencies into a creative outlet for which he seems to have some talent.

I don’t understand pop culture’s fascination with sad and angry little boys with tales of inner city woe, but I can’t fault Tyler’s exploitation of their disproportionate share of cultural relevance. N.W.A. did it twenty years ago with “Fuck tha Police,” and now O.F.W.G.K.T.A. is doing it yet again with an entirely new generation’s “Fuck tha Police.”

The difference is that N.W.A. weren’t whiny little bitches, and when the dust settles, I think we’ll all look back on Tyler’s early work as something significantly less important.

I just wanted to ask you to speak more on “on a girl code violation.” My best friend is a guy (I’m a gal) and he had a fling with another guy. After that ended, the two of us got involved, harmless fucking. It stopped and now the boyfriend is back in the picture and I’m the “other woman.” I lost both of them as friends, even the one I considered my best friend, who I fucked, because they agree I hurt the boyfriend, just as the previous girl was saying she was hurt.

I don’t see myself as pathetic, they broke up and I wasn’t that close to the boyfriend anyway. If he had cheated with me I’d get it, but the relationship was over..move the fuck on. It was the boyfriend who fucked another person immediately after getting out of a longterm relationship. Why I am the “pathetic” one deserving pity? Isn’t the boyfriend in both situations the asshole?

The relationship obviously wasn’t over. If it was, they wouldn’t be back together. A break-up isn’t necessarily the same thing as the end of a relationship, and a best friend should know the damn difference.

Besides, what the fuck are you doing hopping in the sack with your best friend right after he comes out of a long term relationship? You’re insane to think that king of thing is harmless, and you’re an idiot if you think it’s consequence free.

Fucking him may not have been cheating, but only by a technicality. It was still a monumentally sketchy move on both your parts, one that you were too stupid or too thoughtless to know was a mistake. Either way, tough shit.

All three of you sound like assholes from a Bret Easton Ellis novel, but if you’re wondering why you are the pathetic one deserving pity, it’s because you’re basically a fag hag who got rebound fucked and then tossed out like garbage.

That sucks, babe, but maybe this will teach you the real meaning of “fling” and “harmless fucking.”

My boyfriend and I were having a drunken heart-to-heart the other night where he explained a lot of the bullshit he’s gone through in past relationships. Suddenly he paused for a moment, then said, “By the way, this is just drunk talk, not Dear Coke Talk. This is shit I’m already working my way through, not excuses for why I’m going to douche out on you later.” I laughed, then we fucked like bunnies. I just thought I’d share.

He’s a keeper.

I broke up with my awful boyfriend two years ago after he cheated multiple times, told me i should be bulimic and eventually drove me into depression.

Despite this i am still obsessively thinking about him every day, probably because i haven’t been with anyone i care about since. I feel like a crazy person and would never want to be back there again but these memories and ‘what ifs’ continue to haunt me.

How can i go about forgetting that bastard completely and moving on with my life?

Quit blaming him for your problems. He didn’t drive you into a depression. You did that shit to yourself. He was just a symptom of your low self-esteem.

Sure, he’s an asshole. So what? It’s been two years already. At this point, he’s more an idea than an actual person. You’ve elevated this prick to icon status, and you wonder why you can’t forget him.

Knock him off the pedestal by taking some fucking responsibility for your own emotional state. Accept your role in this, forgive yourself for being such an idiot, and then forgive him for being such a piece of shit.

I’m double majoring in english and education. My father wants me to have the education degree so I can work immediately out of college. I want to be an english professor. I don’t want to teach high school, middle school, or younger. Is there a second major you could recommend that I suggest to my dad so we can forget this education thing? Or do you think I should go along with the degree in education?

Forget this education thing? You want to be a professor, jackass. An education degree would not be wasted on you.

Ask around. I think you’ll find that a degree in education would make you more appealing to certain PhD programs, especially ones where you’d be teaching. You don’t have to have an English degree to be a strong applicant for an English PhD program, and if you don’t get accepted into a program, with an education degree you can always turn around and teach high school English.

Fair warning, though. Even if you do get accepted, you’ll be slogging it out in a PhD program for the rest of this decade before you get a shot at being an English professor. Competition will be fierce. Work will be grueling. You will be poor as shit.

Maybe it’s worth it. Maybe it’s not. Either way, quit worrying about your major and start looking at the bigger picture.

Someone I considered a “friend” went behind my back and is now fucking/dating my ex (which is funny cause she said she hated him, he was ugly, and she would never ever get involved with him). True colors, right? How do you come back from that?

She’s a liar who felt the need to do your sloppy seconds, so the bitch obviously has issues. Don’t make them yours. She’s the one who’s pathetic, not you. In fact, this isn’t even about you, not really, so do your best not to take it personally.

Just forgive her and move on. Cut her out of your life if need be, but in the end, she deserves your pity rather than your contempt, and she certainly doesn’t deserve the power to upset you, so don’t give it to her.

Dear Coquette,

I’m having a few issues with my mother that I could use your input on. I’m currently 20 years old and I was raised in a very devout Catholic family. My only resentment about this upbringing is that I had to attend Catholic school. Other than that, I don’t feel that it was a bad way to grow up. However, over the last few years (and especially during the BS that was high school religion class) I have realized that the Catholic church is not for me. I would not go as far as to say that I am an atheist, but I’ve reached the point where I can no longer just smile and nod along when my parents want me to go to church with them. I want to tell my mom, but I’m worried about a few things.

Firstly, the priest at our parish made a speech where he said that if children do not keep their faith into adulthood it is their parents’ fault. I am an adult, I can make these decisions for myself and it has nothing to do with whether or not my parents did a good job of teaching me about the religion. However, my mom seemed to really take this to heart and I could tell it hurt her feelings. I know that she just thought she was doing what was best for my sister and I, but we ultimately decided our own path. I understand why she would feel like she has failed, but I want to get across to her that she did not. 

The biggest thing I’m concerned about is the reaction when one day I have to tell my mom. I do not intend to marry a Catholic man (if he is I guess I could deal, but it’s not a must) or raise my kids “in the faith” as they say. Religion is such a big part of my family unit and I know that this is a very delicate situation. My mother already feels that she has failed as a mother because my sister is an atheist. I know that telling her what I want to tell her will probably crush her. I want to say what I need to say with as much tact and understanding as possible. I’m not an idiot, I know that no matter how I say this there will initially be hurt feelings. What I want to avoid is creating any sort of major rift between my mother and I. I really do love her and I know that she did the best she could, but I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not. Any advice?

There is a difference between showing respect for your mother and showing respect for your mother’s belief system, and your goal here is to learn to walk the fine line that is that difference. Unfortunately, it sounds like your mother’s religion is deeply intertwined with her identity, so it will be tricky at times to convince her that your rejection of Catholicism is not in any way a personal rejection of her as your mother.  

Right off the bat, you should get comfortable with the fact that you will never change your mother’s mind about Catholicism. This process is not and never will be about the two of you agreeing on religious matters. She’s always going to be a hardcore Catholic, and you need to let her believe as she chooses. Give her the same leeway that you want her to give you. Your eventual goal should be a spiritual détente, one in which your mutual love and respect for each other outweighs your need to see eye-to-eye on religion.

Feel free to politely decline when your parents ask you to attend church with them. Just be respectful, honest and patient with your mother. If she pressures you or starts slathering on the Catholic guilt, be firm in your convictions. You might also consider telling your mother that the priest at your parish was wrong to make her feel guilty. It’s not your parents’ fault that you aren’t keeping your faith into adulthood. It’s the church’s fault, and no doubt that kind of outrageous sanctimony is one of the many reasons you have for rejecting Catholicism.

This is a tough situation, but one that is quite common these days. Worshiping a supernatural deity simply isn’t a forgone conclusion like it was for previous generations, and the resulting rift is most evident in strained relationships with parents.

Mutual love and respect will always be the solution, but such things are always a test of patience.

Good luck.

Someone asked you “No one wants to be my boyfriend. Why?” and you said, “You’re probably not very attractive.” Ok, maybe, knowing your blog, I shouldn’t be surprised that this a rather heartless thing to say, tongue in cheek or no. Still, though, for some people, it’s really hard not to internalize that shit. I struggle every day with the fact that I can’t get anyone to stick around past a second date. Yet, at the same time, I’m told every day by friends and family members how attractive I am, and sometimes I can actually look in the mirror and genuinely believe it. And I still get lots of attention from the opposite sex, it’s just hard for me to keep it. Anyways, I guess I’m admitting that your comment really struck me hard because it’s my worst fear, but also… just, … guh. Haven’t you before said that beauty is objective, and that even weight is not a big factor when it comes to being truly attractive? What do you mean by “just not attractive”? How can you possibly legitimize that as a permanent asset (or lack thereof) for any one person? It seems unfair.

Who said any of this shit was supposed to be fair? That answer wasn’t heartless. It was fucking hilarious, and if you weren’t laughing it’s because your insecurities have a stronger influence on your personality than your sense of humor. No wonder you can’t get a third date.

Being hot isn’t the same thing as being attractive. Being ugly isn’t the same thing as being unattractive. I’d rather be comfortable in my own skin than have a flawless complexion any day of the week, and I’d rather spend time with people who get the joke than people who get their panties in a bunch.

It’s your insecurity about not being attractive that makes you unattractive, so quit looking in the mirror for validation. Quit keeping track of your number of dates. Quit being so fucking needy.

Lighten the fuck up, kiddo.